


For All Time

by Acacia_Mac



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Assault, F/F, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:16:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 148,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4702328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acacia_Mac/pseuds/Acacia_Mac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This Universe was created by me... this is the first fic that I wrote, and it became much more than I had even</p><p>imagined it would be. When I had completed FaT I had left it open for a sequel someday in the future... and I guess this is what I came up with.</p><p>There are some things however that you will need to know in order to understand this series. First off it is set after</p><p>Season 2 of QaF, two weeks after the imfamous Rage Party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yet ANOTHER OLD fic from sooo long ago.

_ For All Time _

By Acacia

**_ Part 1 : Pushing Me Away _ **

_ I've lied to you _

_ The same way that I always do _

_ This is the last smile _

_ That I'll fake for the sake of being with you _

__

_ (Everything falls apart _

_ Even the people who never frown _

_ Eventually break down) _

_ The sacrifice of hiding in a lie _

_ (Everything has to end _

_ You'll soon find we're out of time left _

_ To watch it all unwind) _

_ The sacrifice is never knowing _

__

_ Why I never walked away _

_ Why I played myself this way _

_ Now I see your testing me pushes me away _

__

_ \--"Pushing Me Away" by Linkin Park _

As the night’s full moon shined brightly through the window, Justin sat on the couch, wondering if Brian was coming home.  Their three o’clock curfew time was rapidly approaching, and the older man had yet to return home.  Not that they had to follow the rules anymore.  _‘Hell it’s not like I’ve already broken every single one of them,’_ Justin thought.  Justin knew that Brian liked his freedom, but Justin was rapidly losing his patience with the whole situation.  He was losing himself, and was wondering how he could find himself again.  Justin wanted to talk to Brian before he fully left the man’s life.  Yes, he had left with Ethan last night, but Brian had pushed him to it.  Did Brian care at all?  Justin needed answers, and if it was over, then he would take his stuff and leave Brian’s life forever.

Never before would he have tolerated the type of treatment that he had sustained these past couple of weeks.  It was like Brian was once again pulling away – running scared and Justin wasn’t going to have it.  It wasn’t like Justin didn’t have anyone he could fall back on, ‘cause he did.  Just the thought of Ethan brought a smile to the young man’s face.  It wasn’t that he loved Ethan – ‘cause he didn’t.  He knew he liked Ethan, had feelings for him, and could in time learn to love him, but it would never be real love.  It wouldn’t be Brian.  He did however, love what Ethan was offering him.  To be with one person, the person you loved, and knowing that you were loved in every way, that you were the only one for that person.  Those were the things that Justin was finding that he wanted.  He loved Brian, and knew that he always would.  But Justin knew that he couldn’t go on in the **_‘relationship’_** – if you could call it that – with the way things were.  He wasn’t interested in the numerous, nameless tricks.  Not anymore.  He wanted Brian and Brian only.  

_ ‘But I’m not enough for Brian,’ _ he thought with sadness.  Justin knew that Brian would never change, and he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted the man to change.  He fell in love with this Brian, and he wasn’t sure if he could love a **_‘new and improved’_** Brian.  _‘Maybe everyone was right.  It just can’t work between the two of us.  We’re just too different.  Brian has too much excess baggage.’_

These past couple of months has been hard on them both.  Justin’s independence – which of course went horribly wrong – had almost ended badly.  _‘If Brian were to find out what **Sap** did that night of the party . . . no, I don’t want know.  He can never find out.’  _ The party for his boss while he worked at Babylon was something that he didn’t want to think about ever again.  Justin had come so close to being raped that he still didn’t know how he was able to get away.  He didn’t know how he was able to overcome all the drugs that he had taken, or unknowingly slipped into his drinks.

Then there was the whole comic book thing with Michael.  _‘God, Brian was such an ass,’_ he thought.  He still had been unable to fully forgive Brian for his little ‘ ** _outburst’_**.  Of course Justin’s Birthday ‘ ** _present’_** , and the botched up trip for the two.  Justin hadn’t been away from good ol’ Pitts since before the Prom, and he knew he had to get away from this place and hopefully try and salvage this ‘ ** _thing’_** between him and Brian.  _‘Hell, I wasn’t even able to use my winning prize from the King of Babylon Contest.’_

No matter what happened, however, Justin knew that if he could find out just what he meant to Brian, he could stick it out.  The problem was he wasn’t too sure where he stood anymore when it came to the other man.  Before Brian ruined his and Michael’s work, Justin could say without a doubt that Brian loved him.  Now . . . between that and this whole mess with Brian’s work . . . he just wasn’t sure anymore.  Justin knew that Brian had done more for him than anything that he could’ve hoped for.  More than he would like for Brian to do.  Justin tried to tell Brian not to worry about loaning him the money to go to school, and he would find away to pay for it on his own, or even take a year off until he could get the money up himself.  But Brian wouldn’t have any of that.  Brian would tell him that he had made an investment and planned on having it pay out.  _‘Investment?  Is that all I am to him?’_   Justin hadn’t wanted to think that, but the thought came crashing into the forefront of his mind.  

_ ‘These long nights alone, are not helping things any,’ _ he realized.  _‘I just keep coming up with more ways that Brian and I are over.  Why can’t he see that we’re in trouble?  Does he even care?’_   Justin just sat there and placed his head in his hands.  Last night at the Rage party, Brian had done the one thing that Justin wasn’t sure he could ever forgive.  Brian had pushed him into Ethan’s awaiting arms.  _‘I won’t cry.  I won’t cry.  I won’t cry.’_   After nights alone, Justin had thought of the only thing that he could.  Now all he had to do was follow through with it.  He would wait until Brian came home, and tell him.  _‘I can do this.  I know I can.  But god, why does it feel like I’m ready to die?_ ’ 

With two bags packed and sitting by the door, he began to pray that he was doing the right thing.  He needed to find himself again.  He needed to be strong on his own, and fully get over what had happened all those months ago.  He needed to heal, before he could live anymore.  If he and Brian were to survive, Justin needed to be strong _.  ‘Are we even worth fighting for,’_ he asked himself.  _‘Can he forgive me for what I’ve done?  Do I even want him to?’_  

Justin only hoped he didn’t destroy Brian during this time.  If Brian couldn’t tell him how he felt, Justin knew that he would not be able to continue in his current state.  He also knew that Brian would never be able to say the words he so desperately needed to hear.  Justin would do the only thing he could.  He would have to find his old self again, so that maybe he could have a future with Brian.  After today, Justin would never ask anything else from Brian.  He would never ask Brian how he felt.  If Brian wanted him, he would have to come to him and prove it.

***********************

Brian stood outside the door to the loft and rested his head against the cold metal.  He had been sitting outside for the past hour, after seeing Justin make his way into the building.  _‘Why is he here,’_ Brian asked himself.  He had pushed Justin away last night for the kid’s own good.  Brian knew that if Justin had stayed with him, he would destroy Justin.  No matter how much it hurt Brian, he wouldn’t be responsible for hurting Justin anymore.  ‘ _I’ve hurt him enough.  I can’t give him what he deserves.  Ethan can, I saw it myself,’_ Brian rationalized.  He didn’t think that he could stay strong if he saw Justin again. 

Brian knew that he loved Justin, as much as he could anyway.  He also knew that he would never be able to express it to the young man in the way that Justin deserved.  _‘I did that once, and everyone knows how well **that** turned out.  Justin still hasn’t fully recovered from that romantic display,’_ he cursed.  Although Brian knew that Justin didn’t remember the full night of his Prom, Brian felt that the night had been his first and last attempt at romance.  He didn’t think he could go through that again.  

_ ‘Can’t stay out here all day,’ _ Brian realized.  Brian placed his key in the lock and slowly opened the door.  When he entered he saw the two bags sitting by the door, and Justin leaning against the couch.  “Come to get your stuff?  Good, the sooner we get this over with the better.  I’m sure your new hubby will be very pleased,” he stated resorting to his old attitude hoping to hide the pain he was feeling in his chest.

Justin just sat there looking at Brian.  Closing his eyes briefly, he took a deep breath.  Brian knew that he was being cold to Justin, but dammit he was hurting too.  “Can we talk,” Justin asked him.

Brian took off his jacket and threw it on the bar stool by the kitchen.  Ignoring Justin, he reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a beer and walked over to the couch to sit down.  “I think we said everything that needed to be said.  I can’t give you what you want.  You chose Ethan last night.  So why are you here?”  Brian stared out the window, not wanting to look at Justin.  He knew that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to hide anymore.

Brian saw out of the corner of his eye, Justin moving around the couch.  A minute later, his view was obstructed by Justin’s beautiful face.  “Why, Brian?  Why are you pushing me away?  You did that last night on purpose, ‘cause you knew that I’d be so angry with you and go with Ethan.  Why?  Don’t you fucking care for me at all?”  Brian just started into Justin’s eyes, letting the coldness he was feeling take over his heart and his features.  _‘Yes, I care dammit.  You opened the fucking door, and now I’m stuck here with all my defenses shattered,’_ he wanted to yell, but just keep his eyes trained on Justin’s.  “Can’t you talk to me?  We never talk, and that’s the main reason why we’re where we fucking are.  I’m at fault in this whole thing, at least more so than you, but dammit Brian, tell me what you want, what you’re thinking.  I want to make this work, but I can’t do it alone.”  Brian felt Justin’s hand on his arm.  “Talk to me.  Please.”

Brian turned his glaze from Justin to the view outside the window.  He wasn’t sure what to do at that moment.  Here Justin was, begging him to take him back, to forgive him, to talk to him, but Brain wasn’t sure that he could do that.  Yes, he wanted Justin.  Yes, he loved Justin.  But was he ready to take the step to make the changes that Justin wanted?  Could he forgive?  He wasn’t sure of that answer.  “Look, its over.  You made your choice,” Brian began.

“Because you forced me into it,” Justin interrupted.

Brian turned his attention back to Justin with a cold look in his eyes.  Brian felt is anger beginning to build.  “You were the one who fucking lied to me, Justin.  Don’t try and fucking tell me that this is my fault,” he yelled as he stood from the couch moving away from Justin.  

Brian couldn’t look at Justin, but he felt the young man move closer to him.  They could always feel when the other was near.  When Brian felt Justin’s hand on his arm, he jerked away, knowing that the electric shock he had felt at the contact could break him.  He heard Justin take a deep breath, and felt Justin move away from him.  “Brian, I know I fucked up.  I know that you think that sorry is bullshit, but I hope you know that if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t.  I lo. .”

Brian turned to face Justin with anger in his eyes.  “Don’t you even.  Listen it’s over, live with it, Justin.  I am.  In fact, I’ll be much happier without you in my life.  So why don’t you get your shit, and get the FUCK OUT!”

Brian turned away before he did something that they both would regret, and walked into his bedroom.  He didn’t need to see Justin’s face to know that the young man was crying.  In fact, Brian had to hold his own emotions in check so that he didn’t break down himself as he felt is life, his heart break.  “I am sorry, Brian,” he heard the soft voice coming from deep within the loft.  “I love you, I always will.  I know I fucked up, but I hope that one day, you’ll be able to forgive me.”  Brian closed his eyes hoping to block out the pain.  He felt as if he was going to have a heart attack, but knew he had to keep up his façade a little while longer.  “Good-bye, Brian.  I love you,” Justin stated as Brian heard the loft door open, and close again.  

“I love you too, Sunshine,” he whispered when he felt Justin leave.  As much as he wanted to turn around, open the door, and take Justin in his arms.  As much as he wanted to forgive Justin for these past couple of weeks, he couldn’t.  He wouldn’t.  The pain and anger he was feeling was just too much for him to bear.  He knew he was doing the right thing, by letting Justin go.  _‘But why does it hurt do god damn much?’_

Sitting on the bed, he let his emotions take over as he began to let the tears flow.  He hadn’t cried since that night all those months ago while he was sitting in that hospital corridor.  “I love you, too.”

****************

Justin walked out of the building and made his way down the street.  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a car pulling out next to him.  Justin stopped and turned to see who was following him.  _‘I don’t need this right now.  I can’t break down yet,’_ he kept telling himself.  As he looked into the car, he saw Daphne leaning over to look at him.  “Hey, need a lift,” she asked, hoping to help out her friend.

Justin just smiled slightly and opened the door to put his stuff in.  He was grateful that it was her, ‘cause he knew he didn’t want to deal with anyone else right now.  “Thanks,” he said as he climbed into the passenger seat.  

Justin felt Daphne reach over and place a hand on his arm.  “Are you okay?”

Justin closed his eyes, hoping to stop the gates from opening, and letting his emotions come out.  “I really fucked up this time, Daph.  He’ll never forgive me, and I don’t blame him.  God, I love him so much.  Why,” he asked looking at her, silently hoping that she would be able to give him the answers he wanted to hear.  “Why did I do it?  I hurt him so much.”  Justin felt his world come crashing down upon him.  Finally letting go of everything that he’d been feeling these past couple of months, he cried.  Justin felt Daphne reach over and hold him as he continued to cry outside of Brian’s building.  “What am I going to do?  I don’t know who to live without him.”

“Shhh,” he heard her comforting voice.  “You’ll get through this Justin, I know you will.  Brian’s as much to blame in this as you are, so don’t,” she began.

Justin pulled away and looked into his best friend’s eyes as the tears continued to stream down his face.  “No, he’s not.  I knew. . .I knew Daph, and I still demanded. . .I still . . . God.”

Justin placed his head in his hands, not able to continue.  He didn’t know what to do, where to go, who he was.  He continued to cry as he felt the car pull away from the side and move towards town.  “Do you have a place to stay,” he heard her ask.  All he could do was shake his head no.  Justin wouldn’t stay with Ethan, he didn’t want to move back home with his mother, and he just couldn’t move back with Deb.  Not now, not ever again.  “Okay, look, you can stay with me for a while.  It won’t be a problem,” she said to him.  

“I can’t,” he began. 

“You can, and you will,” she told him.  Justin just nodded.  He felt numb, like he had just been stuck in a winter storm with no clothes on for days.  _‘How can I live without him?  I can’t believe that I fucked it up.  When everyone was warning me about him, I was the one who had messed it up, not Brian.  What have I done,_ ’ he continued to ask himself.  Justin looked up and just stared out the front window of the car.  He didn’t want to think anymore, he didn’t want to feel anymore.  All he wanted was for the pain to stop.

_ ‘I’m so sorry, Brian.’ _

*******************

Daphne stood in the doorway of her living room, and looked at her sleeping friend.  It had been three weeks since the **_‘big break-up’_** , and she felt as if she was losing Justin to depression as the days went by.  ‘ _What can I do to help you, Justin,_ ’ he asked herself.  She hated seeing Justin looking so lost.  He had lost his smile, he lost his light.  

However, what she hated most was how everyone else was treating him.  It was like since he and Brian were no more, that he couldn’t have his friends anymore either.  Michael was being an ass to Justin, which Daphne figured would’ve happened sooner or later.  Everyone knew that Michael hated Justin, and what he had represented him Brian’s life.  But damn.  Ted wasn’t talking to Justin, not that it was that big of a loss, in her opinion.  Deb would just look at Justin with a disappointed look in her eye.  Daphne had caught it even though Deb tried hard not to show it to Justin, but she knew that he knew.  

The only ones who would still talk to him, and still wanted to be friends with him were Emmett and Lindsey.  Daphne was furious with all of them.  She had thought that it wouldn’t matter if the two were together or not, that they were all friends.  She had hoped that they would try to understand her friend better.  _‘Yes, he is MY friend,’_ she stated to herself.  

The worst thing is that Justin wouldn’t even see or talk to Ethan.  _‘Granted if he left this damn room once in a while, he might be able to do that, but he hasn’t left here since I brought him here.  He hasn’t even gotten up to go to school.’_ Daphne could now see the pain that Justin was in.  Before this, she had believed what he had wanted her to see, what he wanted everyone to see.  She now knew that Justin was broken.  Looking back on these past couple of months, she could see that he had been suffering since he had woken up from his coma.  

Since Justin had been staying with her, she had been doing some research on her own.  She knew that what Hobbs had done to him had changed him drastically, but since he seemed okay with things, she never bothered to think any farther than that.  But seeing him now, seeing and looking back on things, she knew that he was far from fine.  His one constant in his life – Brian – had shut down.  No one had wanted to talk about it with him, so he had closed himself off.  He told himself that he was fine.  Then came this damn comic book.  Justin had told his story in that book.  Unfortunately what none of them had bothered to see is that it had opened a door within him, that he didn’t know how to deal with.  

Justin had almost died that day at the Prom.  Daphne knew from her readings that having a life and death situation will change people.  He felt he needed more, ‘cause he knew how fragile life was now.  Unfortunately, he didn’t know how he could talk about it.  No one would talk about it.  _‘Not even me,’_ she thought with sadness.  They had all let him down, in the worst possible way.  

  
She also knew that Justin was definitely suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  He just wasn’t sure how to express what he was feeling.  He went along with what everyone else wanted, never telling anyone how he felt.  Daphne knew that she needed to help him.  She hated to see him like this.  She wanted her friend back.

With a plan in mind, Daphne wrote a quick note, grabbed a folder that sat beside her computer, and walked out of her apartment.  _‘It’s time that I confront the problem,_ ’ she said _.  ‘Justin can’t, so as his friend, I will for him.’_

***************** 

After Daphne had left, Justin opened his eyes and looked around.  As grateful as he was for Daphne’s help, he couldn’t stand her hovering around him anymore.  He needed to think.  Quickly he reached over to the table next to him, and turned on the CD player.  

Standing and moving across the room, Justin sat on the couch, just listening to some music.  He just didn’t know what to do anymore.  Justin knew that Daphne was worried about him, but he just needed to figure out where he was going in his life.  He saw some of Daphne’s new CD’s sitting by the side of her stereo, and he knew he had to try and come up with some way to get out of the mess that he had gotten himself into.  All he had to do was clear his mind long enough to come up with something.  These past couple of weeks he had felt numb, like nothing mattered anymore.  And truthfully it didn’t.  Brian didn’t love him anymore, _‘if he ever did,’_ Justin thought.  ‘ _No!  Stop thinking about that.  You have Ethan, now.  Why can’t I bring myself to go and see him?’_

The night he had left with Ethan, he had told the other teen that he needed time to come to terms with things before he was able to fully commit to a relationship with him.  Justin only hoped that he could give Ethan what he deserved.  _‘I just hope in time I can learn to love him,’_ he thought.  Ethan was everything that Justin wanted.  At least he thought he wanted.  _‘The only problem is he isn’t Brian.’_

Justin hit play on the CD player, hoping that some music will calm him enough to come up with the proper perspective.  He owed Ethan a lot, and Ethan loved him.  _‘All I have to do is get out of this funk, and give Ethan what he wants.  What I want.  Only why does it feel like I’m still cheating on Brian?’_

The words of the song drifted slowly through the small room, and Justin felt as if the song was saying everything that he was feeling.  

**_   He doesn't taste like you _ **

**_   He doesn't touch like you _ **

**_   No, I know he can't replace _ **

**_   What never, never went away _ **

**_   There is no substitute _ **

**_   For what I shared with you _ **

**_   No, I know it's not the same _ **

**_   When he, when he calls my name _ **

**_   Does he know that when he's looking in my eyes _ **

**_   I'm thinking in the back of my mind _ **

Justin knew -- if he truly wanted to admit it, everything that he had with Ethan, that he had done with Ethan -- he had always hoped in the back of his mind that it was Brian. 

**_   He should be you _ **

**_   How can it be _ **

**_   That the man I wanna love _ **

**_   Is not the man who's loving me _ **

**_   It should be you, it should be me _ **

**_   Don't want to hurt him but it's true _ **

**_   He should be, he should be you _ **

Justin only wished that Brian felt for him the way he felt for the older man.  Justin knew that Brian loved him, if he actually sat down to remember their time together.  Justin only wanted Brian to admit it.  _‘Love just isn’t enough sometimes,’_ he thought to himself.  _‘Yes, Brian loves me, but he just can’t give me what I want.’_   

**_   Thought I was over you _ **

**_   Thought I had spent enough _ **

**_   Time alone living, living on my own _ **

**_   I guess I fooled myself _ **

**_   By thinking I could tell _ **

**_   A broken heart when it should start _ **

**_   Do you know how hard I've tried to let him in _ **

**_   Kept thinking that in time there'd be a spark _ **

_ ‘Can I get over Brian,’ _ Justin wondered to himself.  _‘Can I forget Brian, and move on with Ethan?  Is it fair to Ethan to give him only a part of myself?’_   Justin wasn’t sure of that answer.  He knew that Brian held a part of him, and always would.  He would always be in love with Brian, and Justin wasn’t sure if he could give anymore of himself away without fully losing who he was.  _‘Brian has so much of me, which I don’t know if I have anything left to give.’_

**_   How do I let him know _ **

**_   How do I let him go _ **

**_   What'll I say to him to explain _ **

**_   It's not that I don't care _ **

**_   It's just that it's not fair _ **

**_   When I look at him I feel this way _ **

Justin closed his eyes as the words continued to cry out to him.  Realization hit him.  He couldn’t put Ethan through this.  Ethan deserved the one person who is faithful.  Completely faithful _.  ‘As long as we’re together, Brian will always be in my thoughts.  I can’t do that to Ethan.  He deserves better than a damaged kid, who can’t give him what he deserves.’_   

**_   He should be you _ **

**_   How can it be _ **

**_   That the man I wanna love _ **

**_   Is not the man who's loving me _ **

**_   It should be you, it should be me _ **

**_   Don't want to hurt him but it's true _ **

**_   He should be, he should be you _ **

**_                    (“He Should Be You”  by Soluna) _ **

Justin placed his head in his hands, allowing to tears to flow from his eyes.  He cried for what he could’ve had if he was only allowed to.  He couldn’t love Ethan, and Justin knew that no matter how long they would be together, Brian would always be in the background.  He couldn’t pretend.  He wouldn’t do that to Ethan.  So Justin cried for the loss of what he couldn’t have.  _‘I’m destined to be alone.’_

*******************

Brian sat down at his computer working on the latest advertising campaign that Vance had handed him.  Since the night of the party, three weeks ago, Brian had thrown himself in his work in hopes to rid his mind of any thoughts of Justin.  When he wasn’t working he went out to Babylon to find the first available person to fuck.  So far it was working well for him.  Along with the drugs and alcohol, he hadn’t had the time or energy to think about Justin.  At least that’s what he tried to convince himself and others.

The truth was he would forget Justin, that was until he would go into the bedroom, or take a shower -- or hell -- see anything that was Justin’s that was still laying around the loft.  Justin was always on his mind.  Brian knew he would never be able to truly forget the young man, and wished he could just have one solid nights rest.  _‘God, I never thought that he would have gotten in this far under my skin,’_ he thought.  

Brian was slowly brought out of his thoughts by a banging on the loft door.  _‘Fuck, Mikey, just leave me alone,’_ he thought.  He was beginning to wonder if he just ignored the banging the person would give up and go away.  After about another minute of the banging, Brian gave up and got up to answer it.  “What the fuck do you want,” he asked when he saw Daphne standing on the other side.  This was the last thing he wanted right now.  He didn’t think that he could deal with her right now.   Brain watched Daphne as she pushed her way past him, moving deep into the loft.  “Make yourself at home,” he said sarcastically.

“Don’t mind if I do,” she said as she moved over to the couch and sat down.  Brian just stood there continuing to look at her.  

Brian went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of JB. _‘Somehow I think I’ll need a whole hell lot more than one glass,’_ he thought realizing that Daphne was there to ream him a new asshole.  _‘Now there’s a scary  thought.’_   Brian grabbed the bottle and took it with him over to sit down in the chair across from the young teen.  “Okay, you come in here. . .scratch that. . .you barge into here, without permission, and sit here like you own the place.  Want to tell me what the fuck is on your mind, before I throw your ass out,” he stated leaning back with the glass in his hand.

 Brian caught Daphne looking at him.  It felt like she was trying to see into his soul.  _‘Justin used to do that too,’_ he thought painfully.  _‘No wonder they’re friends.  They’re so much alike it’s painful.’_   He was brought out of his thoughts with her shoving a folder onto his lap.  “What’s this?  I don’t correct homework,” he said lifting the offensive article up.

Daphne just glared at him, and Brian knew that she was on a mission.  What that mission was, he wasn’t sure, but he knew that he wouldn’t like it.  “No, you stupid fuck,” she began.  Brian was taken aback at her language.  Daphne – sweet, innocent Daphne who never talked to him this way – was now a woman with one goal.  _‘Nothing’s worse than a woman scorned._ ’  “I thought that you’d like a little light reading.”  Brian saw Daphne’s eyes slightly cloud before she closed them to collect her thoughts.  “Justin’s been staying with me.  And before you say anything,” she began stopping Brian from telling her that he didn’t give a fuck what Justin was doing.  He knew that it was a lie, but what she had told him did come as a shock.  Brian was sure that Justin would move in with his new little boyfriend, not his best friend.  “Justin’s not doing well.  He hasn’t even left the room.”

“Why the fuck are you telling me this?  Justin made his choice, he has a new boy toy to play with.  Why don’t you tell him this shit?”  Brian stood and moved over to the window.  He was beginning to feel trapped.  _‘Why the fuck is she here?’_   “Justin and I are over.  What he does means nothing to me.”

“Really, then why can’t you look at me,” she yelled at him.  Brian could feel the anger coming off of her.  She was definitely a woman protecting her friend.  Brian could admire that.  “For the past three weeks, I’ve had to sit there and watch him get farther and farther away from everyone.  So I decided to do a little research.  You know what I found?”

Brian knew that she wouldn’t keep him in the dark, but he wouldn’t make it easier on her.  So he resorted to his old safety device – his sarcasm.  “What erectile dysfunction?”  _‘God I hope that little fuck, Ethan, can’t keep it up.  Justin deserves better than someone who just lets him whither away for three weeks.’_   Brian found himself getting angry at the young teen.  He had hoped when he forced Justin out that Ethan would take care of him.  That Ethan would give Justin what he deserved.  Now Brian is finding out that Ethan isn’t even there to help Justin through this.  Brian knew that the break-up would be hard on Justin, no matter what, they did love each other.  This was the first relationship for either of them.  He knew that a break-up like they had would hurt.  _‘So where the fuck is Ethan?’_

“Not funny.  I looked up information on PTSD,” she stated.

“What,” he asked even though he knew what it meant.  He just couldn’t believe that he had missed it.  He wanted to believe that it wasn’t true.

“Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, you idiot.  You know what I found out?  Justin has been suffering from it for months, and none of us even noticed,” she stated sounding to Brian as if she was regretful.

_ ‘Justin’s been suffering from PTSD and I didn’t see it,’ _ Brian thought with disgust.  _‘How could I miss that?’_   “What are you talking about?  Justin’s fine.”

“Yeah, he’s fine.  NOT!  Here, look at the folder and tell me if you can’t see a pattern here.  Think about all the stuff this past year, and tell me if you don’t see it,” she said as she pointed to the folder in his hand.  “Some of the stuff I don’t know, I need your help.  Please,” she begged.  “Help me to help Justin.”

Brian sat back down and opened the folder.  On top, he saw Daphne’s hand writing neatly gracing the page.  She had a list of symptoms, and how she related to in Justin’s life.  Brian looked down the list, shocked at what he was seeing.

_         Trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, reoccurring nightmares  -- ask Brian _

_         Fear, Anxiety -- (cured?)  Ask Brian.   _

_         Depressed, sad, low energy -- complains of being tired all the time, he hasn’t smiled as much. _

_         Emotionally numb, withdrawn -- Justin doesn’t so the same stuff he used to do.  We don’t go to the movies anymore or to the mall.   _

_         Trouble controlling emotions -- blew up at me, Michael, Deb, Lindsey, Brian on many occasions.  He gets angry and frustrated easily when he used to take things and let it roll off of him.   _

_         Avoid situations that might have strong emotions -- Easy.  He just wont do the same things that we used to do.  Anything that can make him happy (at least used to make him happy) he won’t do anymore.   _

_         Trouble having loving feelings -- Justin has just gone along with everything that Brian wanted, not fighting for what he wanted.  Not like the same guy who chased after Brian for a year.  If Brian wants to have a three some, Justin goes along with it, no complaint.  He avoids his mom, and sister.  He hasn’t told Brian that he loved him in months.   _

_         Not feeling pain -- Justin got a deep cut on his finger one day we were together, and he said he didn’t even feel it.  I passed it off that it was his right hand, and he may have problems with it, but it maybe more. _

_         Losing interest in things you used to love to do -- see above. _

_         Problems in relationships, not able to feel close to people, or trust them -- see his relationship with Brian this past year.  They were closer before the bashing then they are now.  They never talk about anything. _

_         Feeling permanently damaged -- Justin still doesn’t use regular drawing as often as he used to.  He still relies heavily on the computer. _

_         Alcohol abuse and drug abuse -- Justin has been using a lot more drugs, and drinking a great deal more now then he ever did.  It’s almost like he needs to hide the pain deep within himself. _

“Ethan can’t help him, Brian.  Only we can.  Please, I can’t lose him.”  Brian sat there staring at the list in front of him.  _‘How could I miss this,’_ he thought.  He could see now, that Justin hadn’t gotten over the bashing as they all had believed.  Justin was still suffering, and none of them helped him.  None of them saw the pain he was in.  “He hid it well,” Daphne said breaking though the fog.  “I think it wasn’t until Michael had asked him to do the comic book that even Justin knew that there was a problem.  Bringing it all back was just too much for him.”

Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose with is fingers.  He felt a headache coming on, and he knew that nothing would get rid of it.  “Of course since no one wanted to talk about it, I’m sure that it didn’t help matters.  FUCK!”

“See what I mean.  He hid it well.  I mean if you didn’t see it, and you spent the most time with him, how were the rest of us supposed to see it.”  Brian saw that she lowered her head in her hands, trying to keep it together.  He knew what she was feeling at that moment.  Failure.  They had failed Justin.  _‘I failed Justin.’_

When Daphne looked up, Brian just stared at her.  “What can I do,” Brian asked.  He knew that he had to do something.  Daphne was right, Ethan couldn’t help Justin in this.  Only those closest to the bashing had to help Justin, and that meant the two in this room.  No one else knew.   Together they would help Justin, whether or not he wanted it.

**************

Justin stood outside the door leading to Ethan’s small apartment.  From deep within, Justin could hear Ethan practicing, and Justin felt his resolve falter.  Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door.  He had to do this.  _‘Ethan deserves better than a broken down kid who doesn’t know what he wants,’_ Justin thought gathering his strength.  Strength that he didn’t feel at the moment, but he knew that he was doing the right thing for Ethan.  

A moment later the door opened, revealing the young man.  Ethan smiled at Justin and opened the door wider for him.  Justin wasn’t sure if he should go in.  If he went into the room, could he go through with what he had planned on doing.  Making a decision, Justin just stood there.  “Can we go for a walk and talk,” he asked hoping that Ethan would understand.  He didn’t want to hurt him.  Ethan had given a feeling that he hadn’t felt in a long time.  Ethan had given him love, and a sense of belonging which Justin hadn’t felt for months.  He would always be grateful, but he just couldn’t continue.  

Justin noted the look in Ethan’s beautiful eyes.  _‘He knows,’_ Justin dreaded.  Justin could see the sudden pain and realization in the other’s eyes.  Ethan went further inside the apartment, and grabbed his coat, making Justin once again think about what he was doing.  The two walked out of the complex and toward the park in silence.  Neither one sure of what to say.  Justin moved over to a bench and sat down.  Ethan had been quiet the entire time, and that began to worry Justin.  “So are you back with him,” Ethan asked taking Justin by surprise.

“No. . .God no,” Justin exclaimed.  The last thing that he wanted Ethan to think was that he had gone back to Brian.  He hadn’t, and he couldn’t see himself with Brian ever again.  The two just weren’t compatible anymore, Justin knew that.  Justin turned to look at Ethan’s pain filled eyes.  “I’m not with Brian.  I hope you believe that.  It’s over between the two of us.  I just. . .”

“You don’t feel that way about me.  You’ll always love him, and you don’t feel that way about me.  You never will,” Ethan stated.

Justin was amazed that Ethan had it all figured out _.  ‘I should’ve known better than to think that he wouldn’t know.  God, I’m such an idiot.’_   “I wish that I could, Ethan.  I care about you, and you’ve given me something that I haven’t had in a long time.  I don’t know how to thank you, but. . .Brian and I have been through a lot.  I just don’t think that it’s the right time to try to get into another relationship.  I’ve thought a lot about it these past couple of weeks, and I realized that no matter what, I’ll always love Brian.”

“I understand,” he simply said.  Justin felt a pang of guilt stabbing him in the heart.  He didn’t want to hurt Ethan, but no matter what he tried to say or do, it would hurt him.  _‘God, I’m such an ass.  No wonder Brian pushed me away.’_   

“I’m sorry.  I just don’t think it’s fair to you.  You’re a great guy, and I DO care about you, but,” Justin began hoping to at least try to be friends.  He didn’t have many of those anymore, and he wished that he hadn’t ruined any chance at the two of them being friends.

Ethan held up his hand, halting Justin from saying anymore.  “Don’t.  I understand.  I hope you have a good life, Justin.  You deserve the best.  Don’t settle for anything else.”

Justin just sat there watching as Ethan stood and began to walk away.  All hope that the two could be friends flew away with the wind, as Ethan continued to walk out of Justin’s life.  He felt numb.  _‘God, I didn’t think I could feel any worse._ ’  Justin just continued to sit there, thinking about what he was going to do now with his life.  He had no one left.  Everyone had left him.  _‘Am I that disgusting that no one wants me?’_

*****************

Justin walked into Daphne’s apartment, and immediately saw her sitting on her couch waiting for him.  Justin just acknowledged her with a slight nod as he removed his coat and set it on the chair next to the door.  “Where’d you go?  Are you okay,” she asked him.  

Justin just moved over to sit next to her.  Taking her hand into his own he took a deep breath.  Justin knew that his friend was worried about him, but he wanted to reassure her that he was fine.  He knew what he had to do now, and he hoped that she understood.  “I went to see Ethan,” he began looking down at their hands.  _‘She had always been there for me.  Ever since we were kids,’_ Justin thought.  “I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore.  I told him that I couldn’t put him through my mess.  He deserves better than me, and he left.”  

Justin heard Daphne take a deep breath in shock.  “What are you going to do now,” she asked.  

Justin was grateful to have at least one friend that he could talk to.  He wanted her to be the first one to know, she deserved that much.  He wanted her to know that he wasn’t leaving her, he just needed time.  He only hoped that his decision wouldn’t push her away too _.  ‘Please understand, Daph.’_   “I was sitting there after Ethan left, and I thought about it.”  Justin looked up into his best friend’s eyes, silently begging her to understand.  “I’m leaving.”

“What,” she exclaimed.  Justin could see the disbelief in her eyes.  “How do you plan on doing that?”

Justin let go of her hand and stood, moving over to look out of the small window.  “I’m going to talk to my mom, and see if she can’t help me.”  Justin turned to face her, knowing that she deserved the truth.  “I need to get away for a while.  I need to try and start fresh.  Maybe if I go someplace where they don’t know me, maybe I can figure out what I’m going to do now.  I feel so lost, Daph.  I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  I just need some time to get myself together.  Please understand.  Please,” he begged.  

Daphne stood and walked over to him, pulling him into her arms.  Justin felt himself start to break down.  “For how long,” he heard her ask.  She was sad, he could tell she was trying to stop any tears that were threatening to flow.  

“I don’t know,” he said with his head on her shoulder.  “But I need to do this, Daph.  There’s too much here. . .I don’t think I can take anymore.  Please understand.  I’ll keep in touch, I won’t leave you completely.  Please understand.  I need you to understand,” he begged.

Justin felt Daphne’s arms close in tighter around him.  “I understand.”  With her declaration, Justin broke down completely, letting all of his pain come out.  Her acceptance meant more to him than anything that he could ever hope for.  He only hoped that she knew what she meant to him.  ‘ _Before I leave, I’ll make sure she knows,’_ he swore to himself.  _‘I promise you, Daphne, you won’t lose me.  I won’t allow it.  I need you.  I just don’t know who I am anymore.  I need to get away, and think.’_  “I love you, Justin.  I hope you know that.  No matter where you are, what you’re doing, I’ll always be there for you.  Don’t forget that.  Okay?”

Justin clung to her, nodding his head.  “I love you to, Daph.  You’re my best friend.”

Daphne pulled back a little and gave him a small smile.  “And you’re mine.  You better keep in touch, and don’t take too long in finding yourself again, okay.  I need my best friend here with me.”  Justin gave her a small smile.  “When are you going?”

Justin closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “I don’t know yet, but soon.”

Justin could almost see Daphne’s mind working.  _‘What is she planning,’_ he thought but quickly pushed that thought away.  He didn’t care, she understood.  He wouldn’t be here in this city much longer, and he knew that he wouldn’t tell her exactly when he was leaving.  He didn’t want her to try and stop him.  He knew that he had to do this, and no one was going to stop him.  No one.

****************

_ ‘God, I have to tell Brian,’  _ she thought as she saw Justin leave to go see his mom _.  ‘Brian will know what to do.’_

__

Picking up the phone, she dialed a number that she knew by heart.  “Brian, we have a problem,” she stated.

After she explained everything to Brian, she hung up.  Holding the phone in her hand, Daphne just stared at it.  “I hope you understand that I’m only doing this to help you, Justin.  I can’t lose you now.  I’m sorry.”

__

**_ Part 2 : Cleaning Out My Closet  _ **

_ I’m Sorry Momma _

_ I never meant to hurt you, _

_ I never meant to make you cry _

_ But tonight I’m cleaning out my closet _

_ \-- Cleaning out my Closet by Eminem _

Justin walked up to his mother’s condo, and just stood there looking at the door.  Although he knew what he needed to do, he was unsure how to explain it to his mother.  _‘How do I tell her that I need to get away?  She’ll ask questions that I’m not sure I can handle right now, and when she asks. . . what do I tell her?  Hey mom, I think I’m having a mental breakdown, but don’t worry, I just need to leave here for a while so that I can NOT kill myself,_ ’ Justin thought with a slight smile.  _‘Yea, that would go over well.  If she doesn’t lock me up in some looney bin, or worse yet, in my room here for the rest of my life, I think I’ll be pretty well off.’_   Justin took a deep breath, praying that things would go smoothly.  _‘Why am I here?  No, don’t think about it, Justin.  Just knock on the door, and ask her.  You’re nineteen years old; you’re not some little faggot who can’t do this.  She’s only your mother, not the wicked witch.  So what are you afraid of?’_

Realizing that standing outside his mother’s house would get nothing accomplished.  Justin lifted his hand and knocked on the door.  _‘You made your choice,’_ he thought to himself, hearing Brian’s words come back to him.  _‘Now be a man, and live with it.’_   Gathering up his courage, Justin stood and waited for his mother to open the door.  

“Justin,” his mother answered as she opened the door.  “What are you doing here?  Not that I’m not happy to see you, but its kind of late isn’t it?”

Justin gave his mother a small smile, and shrugged. _‘Something’s not right here, but I don’t know what it is.’_ “Can we talk,” he asked feeling his insides tighten.  Remembering the last time that he had used those words, Justin could only hope that this time things would work out better.  _‘I made a mistake with Brian.  I won’t make one with mom.’_

Justin took note that his mother stepped out onto the porch with him, and shut the door.  “What do you want to talk about, sweetheart?”

Justin stood and leaned against the post by the steps, and looked at his mother.  She looked tired, and a little nervous.  Justin began to get worried about what was going on, as he felt a sense of dread begin to build deep within.  _‘What else can go wrong,’_ he thought.  He wasn’t sure how much more he could take, but this was his mother, and he would try and help her if he could.  “Is everything okay, mom?”

Jennifer just smiled slightly, and shook her head.  “I should know not to try and hide anything from you,” she stated.  Justin continued to feel the cold dread grow, as he took another deep breath hoping to stop his heart from pounding out of his chest _.  ‘Great now I’m going to have a panic attack,_ ’ he thought.  _‘I haven’t had one of those in months, why not now._ ’  “Daddy’s here,” she explained.

‘ ** _Fuck!’_**   Justin closed his eyes, knowing why he was feeling off.  Somehow he knew that things weren’t going to go his way.  It seemed to him that everything that he had tried, everything in his life, just was going wrong all at the same time.  ‘ _All the more reason why I have to get away from this place.’_   Justin didn’t look up at his mom, only nodded in understanding.  “I can come back later,” he began as he started to turn around and leave.

“Justin,” he heard as he felt her hand on his arm.  “You came here for a reason, and I know something is wrong.  Tell me.  Don’t let your father push you away.”

Justin looked out at the dark sky, hoping that somewhere he would see something that could give him some hope.  But like his life, the sky was dark, cold, and unwelcoming.  _‘Where did the light go,’_ he wondered.  Shaking those thoughts from his mind, he turned to his mother.  _‘It’s now or never._ ’  He opened his mouth to ask her, when he saw his father standing on the steps leading into the house.  Despite the distance between them, Justin could almost see the hate in his father’s eyes, the disappointment.  Justin could swear that his father’s eyes looked blood red, and he could feel the disgust stabbing him in the gut.  _‘It’s only the light playing tricks on me,’_ he chanted.  _‘It’s only the light . . . God why is this happening?  Why does he hate me so?’_   Gathering what little strength he didn’t have, Justin stood tall and looked at his father.  “Dad,” he said grateful that his voice sounded strong.  _‘God knows I don’t feel it._ ’ 

Justin saw his father turn his glaze away from him and to his mother.  “What the fuck is he doing here?  I thought I told you, Jenn, that I didn’t want him around my daughter.”

Justin felt his chest tighten and his breathing stop.  _‘I can’t breathe,’_ he thought with dread as his father’s words hit him.  Justin didn’t notice his mother stand in front of him and turn toward his father.  “Craig!  Justin has every right to be here.  He’s your son!  And Molly’s his sister.  I told you that before, and I’m sticking to it.  You can’t stop Justin from seeing me or his sister.”

“I can do anything I damn well want, Jenn.  We have Joint Custody, and I will not let him bring his . . . lifestyle around MY daughter!”  

Justin felt the hate that his father had toward him and his ‘lifestyle’ electrifying the air around them -- filling him with a sense of dread.  Closing his eyes, trying to calm himself enough to talk to his father, images began to creep up in his mind.  Brian yelling.  The bat.  The hate in Hobb’s eyes.  The pain.  _‘No, no, no, no, no,’_ he screamed in his mind.  “NO!”  

At his outburst, he noticed his mother and father looking at him.  He felt his mother’s hand once again on his arm, and Justin quickly moved away from it as if it had burned him.  “Justin,” she quietly asked him.

Justin moved over to his father, and looked him straight in the eye.  He had to know.  He just had to.  “Did I deserve it, dad,” he asked looking into his father’s eyes.  He could always tell by looking in Brian’s eyes what other man was thinking, he only hoped he could see past his father’s hate and see some spark of hope, some spark of love.  Anything to let him know that his father still cared, that he hadn’t been holding out hope for nothing.  

“Justin, please don’t,” he heard his mother quietly beg him.

“No, mom.  I have to know,” he stated.  “Did I deserve it?”  Justin saw his father look away from him.  Grabbing his father’s chin in his hand he forced his father to look him in the eye.  “The truth, dad.  I think I deserve to know.”

“I’m sorry you got hurt, Justin,” his father began.  Justin felt a little weight begin to lift off of his shoulders.  _‘He really cares.  I knew it.’_   But as soon as those thoughts crossed his mind he saw something in his father’s eyes, which sent chills through his body.  “But, truthfully, Justin, I wish that it would’ve put you out of our lives forever.”

“Craig!”

“No, he needs to hear this, Jenn.  He wanted to know; well he’ll hear what I have to say.”  Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  He heard his mother’s yell and his father’s words as though it was trying to reach him through a thick fog. 

Justin tried to clear his mind enough to make out what his parents were saying, but he felt as if every word that was being said was pushing him farther and farther into the abyss.  “Dad?”

“You’re mother has disgraced herself, hanging out with a group of gay-lovers, marching in parades, embarrassing all of us.  You go around like everything is alright.  That it’s right for you to be what you are.  To . . . to do what you do.  I will not let your sister be subjected to that any longer.”  Justin saw his father look between him and his mother.  “None of this would’ve happened if you were no longer here.  You left our home; you left this family, Justin.  You should’ve stayed away.  As for being my son . . . my son died the day that he walked out of MY home with that . . .  that monster.”  Justin tried to get some air in his lungs, he couldn’t breath.  How could his father say these things?  Craig looked directly at him, and Justin felt his world come to a complete halt.  “I have no son.  Chris Hobbs would’ve done us all a favor if he had just finished the job.”

Justin stood there letting what his father had told him get past the fog that had surrounded him when this whole nightmare started.  He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to get away.  So Justin just turned and ran, avoiding his mother.  His father hated him, had hoped that Hobbs had killed him.  As Justin ran, he felt everything around him melt away.  The cold night air ceased to touch him, the darkness of the night turned darker.  He felt nothing, he could not, would not allow anything to touch him again.  He was numb.  He felt as dead as his father had said he was.  

*******************

Brian sat on the couch at Daphne’s apartment, listening quietly as she explained what was going on.  When she had called him, and told him that there was a problem, Brian immediately got into his car and headed over.  He had learned a lot today about Justin’s state of mind, and what was going on with the young man.  He couldn’t deny that he didn’t have feelings for Justin, that he loved Justin, ‘cause he did with all that he was.  Without Justin in his life, Brian felt incomplete.  Now hearing that Justin was not only suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, but that the young man was also planning on leaving Pittsburgh, Brian knew that he had to do something.  He knew that no matter what happened with their relationship, or non-relationship, he didn’t want to be without Justin in his life in some way.  He needed Justin’s presence around him to keep him planted on the ground, to keep him sane.  

“Anyway, he told me he and Ethan are over, then just told me that he’s leaving,” Brian heard her explain as he watched her pace back and forth across the small living room.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the headache that was forming behind his eyes.  “What exactly did he say,” he asked.  He felt like he was pulling teeth trying to get answers out of the young teen.  He saw her continue to pace, and Brian was having a hard time trying to not lose his temper with the young woman.  “Will you sit the fuck down, and tell me what he said!”

Brain saw Daphne move to sit down in the chair across from him, and saw her playing with a ring on her finger _.  ‘What the fuck is it with these two and not getting to the fucking point,’_ he thought.  Of course he knew, deep down, that he was no better than they were.  He wasn’t one to share his feelings, thoughts, or hell anything with people.  He had learned that lesson well when he was growing up.  _‘Maybe if I had just said something to Justin, just talked to him once in a while, we wouldn’t be here now,’_ he realized.  _‘Fuck!  When did this become MY fault?  I’m not entirely at fault for this.  If it’s anyone’s fault it’s Hobbs,’_ he rationalized.  But deep down, Brian knew he couldn’t even blame it all on that asshole Hobbs.  He was at least partly to blame for the current situation.  Brian Kinney did what he did best when things got too much – he ignored the problem.  Brian had shut down, and tried to test the waters.  _‘I knew that Justin loved me, I guess . . . maybe I just knew it wouldn’t last.’_   His mother told him she loved him when he was young, his father may have said it once or twice too, but he couldn’t remember.  Mickey, Deb, Lindsey, his gym teacher, Mark. . .  _‘No I can’t think of him,’_ he thought quickly.  _‘I thought Justin was different.  I thought he could deal with who I was.  I thought he’d always be there.  So I pushed him away.  What the fuck was I thinking?’_

Brian was brought out of his thoughts by Daphne beginning her story, forcing Brian to sit forward and listen.  He had to know what was going on.  If nothing else, he didn’t want Justin gone.  He wouldn’t be able to live with himself is he was the ‘cause of any more problems for the young man.  _‘I’ve caused him enough pain,’_ he told himself.  “Well he said he was going to talk to his mom.  I guess he was going to get some money from her for a ticket or something, but I don’t know.  He didn’t say.”

Brian closed his eyes shaking his head.  “And,” he almost yelled.  _‘She’s as frustrating as Justin is at times.’_

“Okay.  God, you’re worse than a woman,” she stated.  Brian felt like he wanted to reach across the distance between them and slap her silly.  _‘Worse than a woman,_ ’ he thought.  _‘You’re one to fucking talk._ ’  “Anyway -- as I was trying to say before you interrupted me -- he was saying stuff like getting a fresh start, and that he felt lost.  He said he wanted to go someplace where no one knew him so that he could figure stuff out.”

“What stuff,” Brian asked.  

Brian saw Daphne shrug, and he realized that she was just as lost in this mess as he was.  He could feel for her, and almost felt bad for putting her through his bullshit tonight.  Brian knew that Daphne was hurting just as much as he was.  He also knew that he was in a great deal of pain.  Losing Justin had left a large whole inside of himself that he never knew existed.  Now all he wanted to do was find a way to fill that whole before he fell into the abyss of depression himself.  Brian had never been one to believe in love, and taking chances, but he had done both with Justin.  Now he wasn’t sure -- now that his walls were shattered -- that he could go back to the way he was before.  He didn’t know if he wanted to.  

“I don’t know really what he has planned, but he told me that there’s just too much here, and he didn’t think he could take it anymore.  Not that I blame him,” she said, and Brian saw her stand again.  “I mean come on; everyone has just treated him like shit since the two of you broke up.  Michael’s being an ass, which I knew was going to happen, since Michael hates Justin and loves you.  But Ted, Mel . . . Deb . . . . I mean God, what the hell does he have here,” she finished, and Brian felt the sadness and anger flow off of her.  _‘Or is that my anger,’_ he thought.  ‘ _How the hell could they all just shut him out?  I didn’t ask for that.  I didn’t want that to happen.  No fucking wonder he’s a mess right now.  FUCK!’_   Brian knew that once he found Justin and talked to him, he would go and talk to the ‘ ** _gang’_** and tell them how it was.  He wouldn’t let them use him as an excuse to be rude to Justin.  He wouldn’t allow that.

“FUCK,” he exclaimed letting her know that he had no idea what had been going on.  However, before he could say anything more, Daphne’s phone rang.

Brian watched as Daphne picked it up, and sat silently hoping that it was Justin.  “Oh hi, Ms. Taylor,” she said.  Brian had to smile slightly.  _‘Okay so it’s not my Taylor, but it is one of them.  MY Taylor,_ ’ he thought with a slight stab of fear.  _‘Where the hell did that come from?’_   Shaking his head, he figured that he would deal with that later, after they found Justin.  _‘What better way than the person whom Justin went to go and see._ ’  Brian sat back and continued to listen to the one-sided conversation.  If he could get to Justin first, all the better. “What!?. . . No he’s not here . . . I don’t know, but I’ll try and find him.”  Brian heard this and immediately became alert.  Justin was gone, and by the sounds of it, he left his mother’s in a hurry.  Brian silently swore to himself.  He would just have to wait for Daphne to get off the phone to fill him in, but he knew that every second wasted was just more time for Justin to get away from him.  “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him . . . I promise. . . Yea, I’ll call you as soon as I see him . . . Don’t worry . . . Okay, I promise. . . I’ll tell him . . . No, stay there and take care of Molly . . . Is he gone? Good. . . Okay, I’ll call you soon . . . Okay, bye.”

Brian watched as Daphne set the phone down on the table and just stood there in shock.  “What happened,” he asked hoping to drag her out of her shock.  The last thing he needed was for her to lose it.  Justin’s life could be in danger, and Brian wouldn’t allow anyone to stand in his way in order for him to get to the young artist.  Nothing would stop him getting to Justin if he was in danger.

Brian froze as he saw the scared look in Daphne’s eyes.  “Mr. Taylor was there,” she began, and Brian felt as if the world stopped spinning.  He knew that he needed to get to Justin NOW!  “He just turned and left.  Ms. Taylor’s worried.”

Brian closed his eyes, and swallowed the bile that threatened to rise in this throat.  _‘If Craig Taylor touched a hair on Justin’s head, I will kill the son of a bitch,’_ he swore.  “Okay,” Brian began, standing.  Placing his hands on her shoulders, he shook her gently to get her to help him.  “Go and check out anywhere you think he might be.  I don’t know, places that two of you used to hang out, whatever.  I’m going to check out some places myself.  As soon as one of us finds him, call the other.  Okay?”

Daphne nodded, and Brian saw her square her shoulders _.  ‘That’s my girl,’_ He thought.  “Let’s go,” she said as the two headed out of the apartment to try and find Justin.

****************

For the past two hours, Brian has combed the city trying to find some sign of where Justin maybe.  His frustration was building to enormous proportions, as each place he could think of showed no sign of the young artist.  Brian had just finished talking to Daphne, and knew that she as having as much luck as he was.  _‘Dammit, Justin!  Where the fuck are you,’_ he swore to himself.  Brian knew that he had to find Justin immediately.  He had to know what was going on, and all he knew thusfar was that something happened at his mother’s house, and that Justin was planning on leaving.  Brian decided he would check one last time on Liberty Ave, hoping that Justin had come back here.  He wasn’t going to give up until he found him.  

Parking his car in one of the alleys behind Woody’s, Brian got out, and made his way toward the bar.  He remembered when Justin was suffering from the inability of using his hand; he had come here and gotten drunk.  Brian only hoped that Justin had come here.  Of course he didn’t like the idea of Justin trying to find comfort in the alcohol and drugs, but he knew that he couldn’t think bad upon it either _.  ‘How many times have I lost myself in the sex, drugs, and alcohol,’_ he thought.  _‘I can’t fault him in doing the same thing I always do.’_

__

Brian walked into the bar, silently praying that none of the guys were there.  The last thing he wanted to do was deal with them right now.  He had more important things to handle right now, than Michael’s bitching.  Scanning the Friday Night crowd, Brian spotted his target sitting at the bar.  Breathing a sigh of relief, Brian made his way cautiously over to Justin.  He didn’t want to scare the young man off.  Taking the seat next to Justin, Brian looked him over.  He immediately saw that Justin was quickly on his way to getting drunk.  When Justin motioned for the bartender to bring him another drink, Brian shook his head at the man.  “I think you’ve had enough, Justin.  Don’t you?”

Justin didn’t even look at him, which caused a slight pain in Brian’s chest.  “Fuc’ off, Brian.  I’ll say when I’ve had enough,” he slurred slightly.  “And I’m just getting started.”  Justin turned to look him in the eye, and Brian flinched when he saw the look in the younger man’s eyes.

Justin was visibly high on something -- what Brian didn’t know.  But it was the empty look in the man’s eyes that caused Brian’s heart to break.  Brian shook his head in disbelief.  He hated to see Justin in this condition.  “Come on, I say you’ve had enough.  We’re getting out of here,” Brian said as he laid down some money on the counter, and pulled slightly at Justin’s arm.

“Fuck off,” Justin yelled.  Ignoring the out burst and glares from the other customers, Brian just continued to pull Justin out of the bar, and toward the jeep.  “Let go of me,” Justin said as he tried to pull his arm from Brian’s grasp.  When the two reached the jeep, Brian pushed Justin against the passenger door, and pinned him there.  “Let me go,” he heard Justin quietly beg.

Brian closed his eyes, gathering strength he needed to say no to Justin.  He couldn’t let Justin go no matter what.  He opened the door, and pushed Justin in.  “Now,” he began as he started to strap Justin in.  “We’re going back to the loft, and you’re going to sober up.  Then we’re going to talk.  Understand?”  Brian noted that Justin just sat where he was placed, refusing to look at him or even move.  “Justin,” he said reaching around to cup the younger man’s chin.  Pulling Justin’s face so that he could look into the man’s eyes, Brian rested his forehead against Justin’s.  “Everything is going to be okay.  Trust me, alright.”  

Justin didn’t respond to him, so Brian just sighed and moved toward his side of the car.  As the jeep moved through the streets on the way toward the loft, Brian would steal an occasional glance at Justin.  He noted that Justin only moved enough to lay his head against the passenger window and stared out at the passing scenery.  Seeing Justin in this position caused a tightness in his chest.  Justin was obviously suffering a great deal, and all Brian wanted to do was try and ease some of that for him.  Justin had been through so much this past year, and he didn’t need anymore crap thrown at him.  

Brian was determined to try and break through the fog that had suddenly surrounded the young man.  No matter what, he would try and bring Justin back.  ‘ _We’ll get through this, Justin.  Trust me.  I won’t let anything happen to you.  I promise.  You just have to trust me,_ ’ Brian thought as he pulled up to his building.  

**************

Justin stood by the elevator as Brian opened the loft door, and motioned him in.  Taking slow, careful steps, he walked into his former home, and just stood inside the door.  Never taking his eyes off of the older man, Justin watched as Brian made his way over to the kitchen and began the coffee pot.  _‘Like that will make it all go away,’_ Justin thought bitterly.  _‘Trust Brian to try and fix things.  What a fucking joke.’_

“Why don’t you take a shower,” Justin heard Brian say.  Justin just laughed bitterly at the suggestion.  “Trust me, you’ll feel better afterwards.”

Justin suddenly turned on the other man, with hate, and anger filling his entire being.  “Feel better!  What a fucking joke, Brian!  What the **FUCK** do you know?  What will make me feel better?”  Justin just turned away and moved over to the window _.  ‘I can’t lose it now,’_ he thought trying to calm himself.  He felt like he was slipping away, and he didn’t know what he was doing.  Justin knew that he just wasn’t in control anymore.  He felt as if some alien came and took control of his life, of his feelings, of his emotions.  The only thing he knew deep down was that he really didn’t want to dump everything on Brian.  ‘ _Brian doesn’t deserve anymore of my fucking drama.  But **dammit** , don’t I have a right to be pissed at him.  If he had just fucking **listened** once in awhile, then I wouldn’t be in this state now,’_ he thought clenching his hands tightly.  

Justin didn’t notice Brian come up behind him until he felt the hands on his shoulders, gently massaging them.  This motion – instead of calming him – infuriated Justin more.  However, he just stood there, tightening his fists, drawing blood.  What was worse, was that Brian’s calming voice, soothing voice was only agitating Justin more.  “Justin, I’m just trying to help.  Now, why don’t you just take a shower, calm down, get some rest, and we’ll talk about what’s bothering you once things calm down a little bit.  I know that it seems like everything is fucked up right now, but I want to help you.  If you’ll let me.”

Suddenly Brian’s touch felt like fire to Justin.  Brian’s calm, loving voice, and his soothing hands lit a fire within Justin that he had hoped he could just ignore.  Now Brian had unknowing unleashed the beast, and opened the doors that Justin had been carefully constructing.  Moving away from Brian, Justin laughed bitterly at the older man.  “Everything is fucked up?  Well no shit, Brian.  God, I’m glad to see that all of your college education didn’t go to waste.”

Justin saw Brian clench his jaw, trying to keep his own anger inside him.  But Justin didn’t care anymore.  Let Brian be angry, why not – Justin was.  “You’re angry,” Brian began, but Justin didn’t want to hear anymore.

Justin turned on Brian, and knew that he had nothing to lose.  _‘Why not, it’s not like I have anything left to lose anymore anyway.  I mind as well let Brian know what I never had the fucking nerve to tell him before,’_ Justin smiled.  “You’re damn right I’m angry Brian.  Why shouldn’t I be?  But you know what?  You want to know what’s wrong.  You want to try and fix me?  That’s right. . . The great Brian Fucking Kinney coming to the rescue.  He’ll fix Justin right up.  It’s what you do best, isn’t it?”  Justin turned away and began to pace around the loft.  He had to keep moving, he just had to.  Justin felt that if he stayed in one place for any length of time, he would lose his nerve, and he couldn’t do that.  Life was just too overwhelming for him right now, and he had to lash out before he truly lost himself.  Deep down he hated that Brian was the one that he was attacking, ‘cause he never would want to hurt the man he loved.  But Justin had no control over anything right now, and he just couldn’t contain it any longer.  

When Justin saw that Brian was going to say something, he immediately turned to stare at the man.  “No, don’t say a fucking word.  You want to know?  Well then just stand there while I tell you a story.  And for once in your fucking life listen.  Really listen,” Justin stated.  Seeing that Brian had moved to sit on the back of the couch, Justin began to move again, pacing back and forth.  He wanted to say things rationally, to get a point across, but none of his thoughts would come together.  His mind was like a shattered mirror – pieces scattered in front of him – and he was afraid that if he touched them, if he let them to the surface, he would be cut.  “God, I tried, Brian, I really did.  I tried everything to make you love me. . . but nothing worked did it?  I tried to push my way into your life, I tried to do everything that you wanted me to do.  I fucked other guys, no matter how repulsed I was.  I would stand by as you try and fuck Michael for fucksake.”  

Justin saw Brian flinch at that comment, and he knew that he had struck a cord.  Latching onto something to make Brian feel just a fraction of the pain that he himself was feeling; gave Justin a power that he didn’t know he wanted.  He didn’t think that he ever wanted to cause Brian pain, but he didn’t care anymore.  He wanted to be left alone; he wanted to have a clean slate, no connections when he left this city.  He wanted Brian to hate him.  _‘Everyone else does, why not Brian,’_ he thought.  “Didn’t think I would know about that, did you,” he pressed on.  “I saw you Brian, at the comic book store.  Kissing Michael, grabbing his dick, telling him you wanted to fuck him.  I was there.  Not that either one of you noticed, but I was there.”

“Oh and let’s not forget about how you chose your fucking job over me,” he laughed.  Once again, he stopped Brian from making any comment.  “Oh yeah, you were going to lose your job if you didn’t go.  But guess what, Brian.  You won’t even fucking have a job if it wasn’t for me.  How do you think that made me feel?  I almost let that idiot Kip fuck me to save your job, and you just blow me off like yesterday’s news.”  Justin saw even more shock and suddenly recognition on Brian’s face.  Justin moved in closer to Brain so that he could look the other man in the eyes.  He was out for blood, and Justin didn’t care anymore.  He was going to wield the bat this time.  He was going to be in control of the situation.  He was going to have a say in his life.  “I saw him coming here that night.  Remember.  I stood at the top of the steps, and watched as he came in here.  Was he good, Brian?  Was he?”

Justin saw Brian close his eyes, and he smiled to himself.  “What did you do,” he heard Brian ask quietly.

“I saw him at Woodys, and cornered him in the alley.  Told him that you weren’t my type, and that he was.  He took me back to his place, and started to try and suck me off.  I told him that I had to be home soon, or else my parents would be mad.  Told him that the last person I was with ended up in jail when my father found out, and that I was only seventeen.”  Justin laughed and shook his head.  “I can’t believe he fucking fell for that.  I mean it’s not like anything could be done, I was of legal age.  But he bought it.  I told him I wouldn’t tell dear ol’ dad, if he would do something for me.”

“Drop the suit against me,” Brian said shaking his head.  Justin knew that Brian had always suspected, but had never had any real proof.  That was until now.  “Why?”

“Why?  Because I loved you, or don’t you know that,” Justin stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  Justin shook his head, as thoughts began to run rampant around his mind.  It was getting harder to think straight.  Thoughts just kept moving to the front of his consciousness and he couldn’t keep them at bay any longer.  They were coming out of his mouth before he even had a chance to try and shove them aside.  “You know I should’ve listened to Michael.  He told me you would never change . . . but NO I just had to try and change you.  I had to keep pushing you didn’t I?

“But I always seem to fuck up, don’t I?  I mean, if I hadn’t done that then you would’ve come with me.  If I hadn’t tried to make it on my own, then Sap wouldn’t have tried to fucking rape me.  If I hadn’t been in doubt about your feelings for me after your pissing on my work, then I never would’ve believed Ethan.  I never would’ve left.  If we had just fucking talked, instead of fucking.  God,” he yelled grabbing a hold of his head.  He was quickly losing it, and he felt like his head was going to explode.  “If I hadn’t fucking jerked Chris off, if I hadn’t confronted him outside on the street, then I never would’ve been bashed.  If I. . .”

Justin felt Brian grab a hold of him, bringing his body against the other man’s.  “If I wasn’t gay, then my father would love me,” Justin said reaching around Brian, holding him as if he was a lifeline.  “He wouldn’t have said that.”

“What did he say, Justin,” he heard Brian whisper in his ear.  “What did he say?  Tell me, let me help you.”

Justin felt as if he was drowning.  Justin clung to Brian tighter, hoping that Brian would be able to keep him afloat.  “He said that he wished Chris had just finished . . . he said I was dead to him,” Justin cried.  He felt drained, and clung to Brian harder as he cried over his lose.  Pulling back slightly, Justin reached up and placed his hand on Brian’s cheek.  “Should I be dead, Brian?  Would it have made everyone’s life better,” he asked knowing that Brian would never lie to him.  

Justin had to know.  He just had to.

***************

_ ‘That fucking, Craig,’ _ Brian thought.  _‘I’ll fucking kill the bastard.’_   Brian looked down at Justin’s trusting blue eyes, and sighed.  He hated to see this much pain etched in the young man’s eyes.  “No, Justin.  I don’t think I could’ve lived, if you had died.  I know I wouldn’t have wanted to live,” he said pulling Justin’s hand into his own.  Suddenly Brian felt something wet in his palm.  Turning Justin’s hand over he saw the slight specks of blood on the pale skin.  Flashed entered his mind unwittingly – Justin laying on the cement floor of the parking garage, blood pouring out of his head.  Once again, Brian felt like he was to blame for Justin being hurt.  “Come on,” he calmly stated.  _‘Not that I feel calm.  I feel like someone just opened up my chest and ripped it all to shreds,’_ he thought.  _‘But I have to help Justin.  I can’t worry about myself right now.  I can deal with the fall out later, but Justin needs me.  I can’t let him down again.’_   “Let’s go get something for your hand.”  

Brian tried to move Justin over to the sink in the kitchen, but he felt Justin freeze in his spot.  Turning to look at him, Brian saw the need replace the pain in Justin’s eyes.  “Brian,” he began.  Brian stepped closer to Justin, and looked down at him.  “I feel so numb.  I feel so lost.  Help me to feel something.  Please?  Please, I need you.”  Brian placed his hands on Justin’s cheeks and slowly caressed the soft skin beneath his fingers.  

Brian leaned in and lightly brushed his lips against Justin’s, not really touching, but feeling the connection all the same.  He felt like he was coming home after being away for years – lost somewhere in the north pole.  He realized that he had been going through the motions of existing, since he had pushed Justin out of his life all those weeks ago.  He had only been half a person.  Now, holding Justin in his arms, feeling the younger man run his hands across the back of his neck, feeling his lips, his skin beneath his own – Brian felt whole once again.  Brian moved his lips from Justin’s mouth to his ear.  Lightly licking the delicate flesh between his ear and his neck, Brian sighed contently.  “I’ll never let you go, Justin.  I can’t let you go.  I need you,” he whispered in the younger man’s ear.  _‘I love you,’_ he thought, unable to say anymore as Justin pulled Brian’s mouth to his own.  

Brian plunged his tongue deep into Justin’s mouth, loving the feeling of the soft lips on his own, the feeling of Justin’s tongue dueling with his own.  Brian ran his hands down the front of Justin’s chest until he reached the bottom of his shirt.  He could feel Justin make short work of the buttons on his own shirt, as he stopped the kiss long enough to pull the offensive item off of Justin.  No words were needed as they continued to undress, trying to feel every inch of the other as they continued to kiss, and caress each other.  Brian groaned as Justin pulled away from him.  He needed to feel Justin against him, and felt the loss of him immediately.  The feeling was short lived, however, as Justin grabbed his hand and lead him toward the bedroom.

Brian laid on top of Justin in the middle of the bed, and began to trail open-mouth kissed down the man’s body.  Stopping long enough to take the small gold nipple ring into his mouth, Brian lightly pulled on it.  Brian felt Justin’s sudden intake of breath, and then Justin’s hands in his hair pulling him up so that their lips could meet again.  Brian felt like he was just offered the world, as Justin handed him a condom and the lube.  “Please, Brian.  I need you. . .now,” he panted, trying to catch his breath.  Brian knew what he was feeling, ‘cause he felt it too.  There were so many emotions running rampage within him, that he felt like if he didn’t connect with Justin soon, he would explode.  

Brian placed some lube on his fingers, and began to run them along Justin’s hole.  Sliding two fingers into the opening, Brian watched as Justin’s face glow in ecstasy.  He began to slide his fingers in and out of Justin, going deeper with each thrust.  Brian leaned down and looked into Justin’s eyes.  “Is this what you need, Justin,” he asked wanting to be sure.  He wanted Justin to have no regrets about this night.  Even if he couldn’t say the words that Justin needed to hear, he had to let the younger man know what he meant to him.  After tonight, Brian wasn’t going to let Justin go again.  He didn’t think he would be able to survive.  

“Yes,” Justin told him, pulling his mouth toward Justin’s own awaiting lips.

Brian pulled back enough to move Justin’s legs over his shoulders, giving each a kiss on the inside of the knees.  God how he loved this young man.  No one had been able to give him as much pleasure as Justin had, and Brian knew that no one ever would.  Rolling the condom on his dick, Brian looked down at his lover’s face.  He saw Justin’s eyes full of lust, love, and trust.  Brian knew that his eyes must show the same emotions.  “Are you sure,” he asked one more time.  He needed to be sure that this was what Justin wanted.  

“Just do it, Brian.  Please,” Justin begged him.  Brian closed his eyes in relief the plunged his staff deep within Justin’s awaiting hole.  _‘God, he feels so good,’_ Brian thought. _‘How did I ever think I could live without this?’_  

Brian began to push deep into Justin, pulling out until the head of his cock was almost out, then pushing back in harder, and deeper than before.  Leaning down he grabbed Justin’s face and began to push his tongue into Justin’s mouth, mimicking the motion below.  “God, Justin . . . Fuck . . . You’re so hot . . . feel so good,” he panted against his lover’s lips before continuing his assault.  

Brian pushed in deeper hitting the spot deep within that Brian knew would drive Justin crazy.  Brian felt Justin pull his lips away and turn his head to the side in pure bliss.  Brian took advantage, running his tongue from Justin’s chin, to his Adam’s apple, then up to Justin’s magic spot behind his ear.  With each thrust Brian would push both of them closer to the edge.  He knew that neither one of them would last much longer, as he felt Justin begin to wrap tighter around his cock.  “Fuck . . . Brian.  I’m coming . . . God,” Justin shouted as he began to cum, shooting his load between their sweat-slicked bodies.  

  
Feeling Justin’s cum on his skin and the grip around his cock pushed Brian over the edge.  Shooting his load within the condom, Brian cried out in ecstasy.  “Justin!”  He pulled Justin’s lips back to his own, not wanting the connection to end yet.  Breaking the kiss, Brian tried to catch his breath.  He leaned in and rested his forehead against Justin’s.  Brian rolled off Justin and pulled the younger man closer to his body.  Brian knew that Justin had fallen into a deep sleep exhausted.  He only wished that he could take away Justin’s pain.  “I love you,” he whispered, hoping that the young man would understand, and accept what he had to offer.

Feeling his eyelids begin to drop, Brian pulled the younger man even closer to his body.  He needed the connection.  Feeling content, Brian began to allow sleep to take him.  He knew that the two still had a lot to talk about, but for now, he was content.  _‘He’ll be here in the morning, and I’ll tell him everything that he needs to hear,_ ’ he thought.  Kissing the top of Justin’s head, he sighed.  “Everything will be better in the morning, Sunshine.  I promise.  I love you,” he said as he allowed his eyes to close.

*********************

Brian awoke, and reached to his side for Justin.  Feeling only empty space beside him, Brian immediately sat up in bed.  “Justin,” he called out.  Fear began to creep its way into his chest, crippling him.  Standing, he quickly made his way into the living room, and looked around.  “Justin?”  

As he walked over to the kitchen, he noticed something that made his heart stop in his chest.  Brian sat down on one of the stools, leaning his head against the surface of the bar.  He couldn’t breath.  He felt like he was having a heart attack.  “Why, Justin?  Why,” he cried as the tears began to fall down his face.  Once again he had failed.  

Sitting against the smooth surface of the counter, sat a stack of letters written in Justin’s elegant handwriting.  

Justin was gone.

**_ INTERLUDE #1 _ **

_ Can't you see _

_ You mean everything to me _

_ You're in my heart _

_ You've touched my soul _

_ You're all I'll ever need _

_ And it hurts so bad _

_ Not to have you by my side _

_ Nothing's right; I cry all night _

_ Just waiting for your call _

_ I'll be waiting for you till the sun don't shine _

_ I will wish on a star to make you mine _

_ I'll be dreaming all night that you're by my side _

_ I'll be waiting for you _

_ \-- I'll Be Waiting by Soluna _

Brian:

He’s gone.  FUCK!  I can’t believe that I honestly thought that he would stay.  I should’ve known better.  Justin always does what he says he’ll do.  But why the fuck did he actually have to follow through with this fucking plan.  Now he’s gone, and I have no clue where he’s at.  And what the hell was that shit last night?  When did Mikey say that shit to Justin?  Was it when they were spending all that time on the comic book, or was it another time?  And if Justin saw Mikey and I why did he listen to a word that he had to say?  Fuck!  Everything is so messed up.  

Deep down, I knew that Justin had something to do with Kip dropping the suit, but I didn’t really want to believe that either.  Why would someone do that for me, when all I do is treat them like crap?  And he never asked for anything in return.   That’s what shocks the hell out of me, really.  Normally when someone does something like that they expect something.  But Justin never once let on that he had done that?  Why?  What did he want out of it?  I know the answer to that one, if I really want to accept it is another question.  It’s just like he had said.  He loved me, and he didn’t want to see me hurt.  

I knew that working for Sap was a bad idea, but I didn’t think that the asshole would try and rape Justin.  That was one thing that never crossed my mind.  Drugs, sexual favors . . .yes, I thought of those.  But rape?  Fuck, and he didn’t tell me.  He just told me that he had realized it was a bad idea, and that he had to know when to ask for help.  But then again, these last couple of months, we never did talk.  It was almost all physical.  I should’ve seen this coming, but I didn’t.  Or maybe I did but didn’t want to acknowledge it.  Who knows.

I do know that I can’t live in what if’s, or should’ve done this, or that.  Nothing I think or feel right now will make a damn bit of difference.  The end will still be the same.  He’s hurting and he’s gone.  

And what the fuck is this about what his father said.  I knew that he was an asshole, but Justin still wanted to hold out hope that his father would change.  I tried to tell him, but he didn’t listen.  Telling your own son that you wished him dead, that to you he was dead.  Okay, so I had the same shit with my old man, but I never had the type of relationship with my father that Justin had with his.  He had something that I never did, and I guess I couldn’t really understand.  

I reach for the stack of letters sitting on the counter, taunting me, and pull them closer.  He has one for everyone.  When did he write these?  And how the hell didn’t I notice him not in bed with me last night.  Normally, I can tell the moment he leaves my arms.  I hate to think that I got so used to him not being here, that I just let him slip through my fingers yet again.  

I find the one addressed to me, and I slowly open it.  Seeing Justin’s handwriting, causes a pang of guilt to crash through me.  He didn’t think that he could even talk to me, he knew that I’d try to talk him out of it.  

Taking a deep breath I begin to read his final thoughts.  God I hope it’s not the end.  Please don’t let this be over.

_ Dear Brian -  _

__

_ I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything that I have put you through. I really am.  I can’t take back anything that I’ve done, or said, or anything, and for the most part, I don’t want to.  But if I could take back one thing it would be hurting you.  I knew what you were like when we started down this road, and I knew that you wouldn’t change, but I still tried.  In trying, I had almost destroyed you.  I’m sorry if being with me ruined things for you, or made things harder for you, I never meant to hurt you.  I hope you believe me on that.  If I could take it back, make things right I would.  I hope you know that it was never my intention to hurt you, and know that no matter what I do love you.  I always will. _

__

__ Know that I'm fine.  I have to do this.  I hope you understand.  I just have no idea what is going on anymore, and I don't think I can continue in the state that I am.  I have to see if I can make it on my own before I can even think about anything else.    
  


_ Please understand. _

__

_ I have been pretty messed up, as I’m sure you could tell by last night’s little drama.  I don’t know what got into me.  I never meant to take all that shit out on you, and frankly, I never wanted you to know half of that shit.  But anyway, thank-you, for helping me out.  I know that I can never repay you for all you have done for me over the past two years. _

__

_ Know that all I ever wanted, and maybe unfortunately still want, is you.  That is why I did everything I did, it was because I thought that it was the only way to have you.  I can say now, that it wasn’t me.  I know that.  The Tricking, hell everything, it wasn’t me.  Somewhere along the line, I lost myself, and in turn I started to destroy you.  I thought that I wanted what Ethan had to offer, and in a way I did, or do.  But I realized that I don’t want that, unless it’s with you.  I lied to myself, and more importantly to you.  I wish I had never done it, but it’s done, and now it’s all over.   _

__

_ I know now, that I didn’t love Ethan, I only thought I loved what he had to offer.  I walked out with him that day, because I was angry at you.  I was angry that I was told you wanted to see me, and when I found you . . . well we both know how I found you.  It hurts me, it really does, and I --being a complete idiot—never once told you that.  I just went along with whatever you wanted.  Oh well, but that’s done.  Like everything in my life right now, it’s over.  As I’m sure you know, Michael and I are still not talking, and I don’t think that we can ever work together again.  I don’t think that I could see him again, knowing the position I put him in.  I feel bad for all of it, and I’m sorry that I did what I did.  _

__

_ I wish things could have been different, that I was stronger, that we could’ve just talked about what we wanted, and worked things out.  But I know that it’s entirely my fault.  I was supposed to be the strong one; I was supposed to be the one who could open up for the both of us.  That’s the way it’s always been.  But I found out I’m not strong.  Hobbs not only took away my innocence, he also took a lot more away from me.  I didn’t realize it then, but I sure as hell do now.  I wish I could go back and change things, but I can’t.  I don’t have it in me anymore.   _

__

_ I hope that you don’t think that what we had is like every relationship.  Cause it’s not.  At least I don’t think it is, but then again, I don’t think I’m the best person to decide that.  I wish things were different, that I was different, but I’m not.  I want more out of my life than what we had, and I know that it is not in you.  I’m sorry for ever putting you through my little drama.  Please understand that it wasn’t you.  I was at fault in this relationship.  I was the one who had tried to _ _ make you change.  I was the one who came up with the stupid rules, all of which I broke.  I was the one who couldn’t deal, not you.  I wasn’t ready, I guess.  Everyone was right when they said I was too young to understand.  I didn’t think it was true then, but now I do.  I just didn’t have it in me.  Maybe before, but since the bashing, I don’t anymore. _

__

_ People say that things like that change a person.  I didn’t think that I had changed that much.  But now I know that I have.  I have changed more so than I was willing to admit.  I wanted to talk about it, with anyone, but as you know it didn’t work out that way.  I don’t blame you for that, I can’t.  I know that I wasn’t the only victim of the attack, and I know that you were hurt just as much – if not more – than me.  I do know however, I have lost everything in the past couple of years, and I have amazed myself in that I haven’t lost it completely.  You were the one who had always given me strength.  I just wish I had been able to give some of it back. You wanted to make me the best queer that I could be.  I just wish I had been able to give you that.   _

__

_ Please don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine.  I don’t want you to have to ever worry about me, or pay for anything for me again.  I need to try and find my own way.  I have to if I am ever going to survive.  I’m leaving Pitts.  Maybe getting away from here, I can find the young, innocent, and sometimes nieve twink that I was before.  The one who would not take no for an answer.  Maybe _ _ I can be myself again.  If not for anyone but myself.  I want you to be proud of me again, since I know I’ve lost any respect that you’ve had for me.  I did it, not you. _

__

_ I know that right now you hate me, and I don’t blame you at all.  I hate myself right now, so why shouldn’t anyone else.  I’ve heard it all from everyone here.  Deb, Emmett, Ted, Lindsey, Mel, Daphne, Michael.  Everyone.  My only wish or dream is . . . I just hope that someday in the future we can be friends.  I know that we have never really been that to each other, but I hope that we can.  Maybe one day, when we can get past the hurt I’ve caused you, and I’ve caused myself.   _

__

_ I will always love you, Brian.  That will never change. _

__

_ I’m sorry for all I’ve done and couldn’t do for you. _

__

_ Love Always _

_ Justin Taylor _

__

_ P.S. I was listening to one of Daphne’s CD’s the other day, and one of the songs rang so true on _ _ how I feel about you.  Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I still do love you.  I think I always will.  As I said, I can only hope that one day you’ll forgive me.’ _

__

_ ‘I’ll Be Waiting by Soluna _

__

_   Can't you see  _

_   You mean everything to me  _

_   You're in my heart  _

_   You've touched my soul  _

_   You're all I'll ever need  _

_   And it hurts so bad  _

_   Not to have you by my side  _

_   Nothing's right; I cry all night  _

_   Just waiting for your call  _

__

_   I'll be waiting for you till the sun don't shine  _

_   I will wish on a star to make you mine  _

_   I'll be dreaming all night that you're by my side  _

_   I'll be waiting for you  _

_   Said I'll be waiting for you till the end of time  _

_   Can't you see that I need you in my life  _

_   You're all that I want; I can't deny  _

_   I'll be waiting for you  _

__

_   Love is hard  _

_   When the days can seem so far  _

_   We were both inseparable  _

_   And now we're torn apart  _

_   I refuse to try again  _

_   To love to someone new  _

_   Cuz what we shared was heavenly  _

_   Like a rose that's in full bloom  _

__

_   You make me so happy  _

_   I never thought I'd lose you  _

_   You're love was and still is  _

_   The only thing I run to  _

__

_   Every minute of every hour  _

_   You know I'll be waiting for you ‘ _

I set the letter down, running a hand over my face – feeling wetness on my cheeks and eyes.  I never even noticed the tears.  I need to get out of here, I can’t fucking breathe.  Everything reminds me of him.  I need answers and I think I fucking deserve them.  It’s time to get out and deliver the rest of these letters, and see just where it leads me.  I can only hope that this nightmare will be over soon.

***************

Daphne:

I woke up this morning actually happy.  Brian had found Justin last night, and I knew, or at least thought I knew, that Brian would get Justin to listen -- to stay.  God, how wrong I was.  

I woke up and noticed the letter sitting on my night stand, and all I could do was stare at it.  When I read it, god, I felt like my life was over.  I can’t believe I thought things would be okay.

_ Daphne –  _

__

_ I wanted to let you know, that by the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone.  I’m leaving.  I know you didn’t really want me to go, and wanted to try and talk me out of it, and for that I’m grateful.  You are the only friend I have right now, and I hate to leave you.  But you know what I’m going through, Daph, and I hope you understand why I have to go.  Everything has just gotten too much for me to handle anymore.  Everyone there resents me, (well except for you, Emmett, Lindsey, mom, and Molly), and I have to try and find some peace.   _

__

_ I’m glad that you know what I’m really going through.  No one, not even mom, knows.  PTSD.  Wow, here I thought I was over it.  But I know now that I’m not.  Unfortunately, I hurt the one person in my life that I never wanted to hurt.  Please watch out for Brian for me.   _

__

_ I’ll call you everyday, (or at least every couple of days) and once I get somewhat settled, I hope _ _ that you’ll come and see me.   _

__

_ I can’t stay here anymore, Daph. _

_ Please understand. _

_  
You’re my best friend, and I love you Daph. _

_ Your friend, _

_ Justin _

As soon as I read his words, I cried.  I felt so lost, that I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  My best friend was gone to god knows where, and I was left to pick up the pieces.  

I picked up the phone and dialed Brian’s phone number.  I hope he’s okay.  I need to know what’s going on.  Why did Justin leave?  He picked up on the second ring.  “Yea,” I heard him say.  I can tell immediately that he knows.  He sort of had a hopeful sound to his voice, like he was hoping it was Justin asking to come home.  

I hate to burst his bubble, but I can’t let him get his hopes up.  Justin’s gone, and I don’t know what to do.  “Brian, it’s Daphne.”

“Oh, hey.  I guess you know,” he stated. 

I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me.  “Yea, I just got my letter.  What happened?  I thought. . .I thought. . .” I couldn’t even continue.  I can’t believe that I was so stupid as to think that things would be better after one night.  God, I’m such an idiot.

  
”I know, I thought so too, but I guess he had other plans.  Listen, can you do me a favor,” he asked.

  
”What?”

I heard him sigh, like he’s trying to hold himself together.  I feel this almost crippling need to go over there and hold him.  Don’t ask me why, I mean he’s like 12 years older than me, but I feel like he needs it.  I know I do.  “If he calls you,” he begins, and it’s almost like it pains him to even ask.

So I take pity on him.  I know what he wants, and I can understand. “I’ll let you know.  I’ll tell him that you want to talk to him.  Can you do the same for me,” I ask hopefully.  I don’t even want to think about Justin not calling me.  I mean we’ve known each other for like ever.  We’ve always been there for each other.  Okay, so there was that time our senior year, but things did get better.  We’re closer now than we ever were.  At least that’s what I thought.  I guess we were all wrong.

“I’ll let you know,” I hear him say.  “Don’t worry, we’ll find him.  I’m not giving up on this yet.  Trust me.”  And I do.  I believe that he will move heaven and earth to find Justin and try and help him.  I never doubted that, and I know that I never will.  No matter what I know that Brian loves Justin, he just needs Justin to realize it.  “Look, I have some errands to run today, I’ll talk to you later tonight.  Remember if you hear from him, call me on my cell immediately, I don’t care what time it is.  Okay?”

“Okay, I promise,” I say as I hang up the phone.  All I can do now is sit by the phone and wait for the call.  Please call Justin.  I need you.  Brian needs you.  Don’t give up on us yet.

*****************

** Deb: **

I thought it was going to be a nice quiet day.  The guys were here at the diner, having their normal breakfast.  Who would’ve thought that our lives were about to change.  Especially that it would be Brian Kinney who would turn our world upside down.  

So there I was standing my ‘boys’ table taking their order.  Emmett and Ted are looking at each other, like they’ve never fucking seen each other before.  Who would’ve ever thought that those two. . . Stranger things have happened, I guess.  All I can say is good for them.  They deserve to be happy.  

I was about to turn to take their orders back, when the bell above the door rang.  I turned to see who it was, but somehow I didn’t see him until he was right on us.  Damn, that boy can move like a fucking panther.  I didn’t even see it coming.  I smiled at him.  How I missed the angry scowl on his face is beyond me, but somehow I did.  I have known Brian Kinney for a long time . . . and unfortunately I feel that I know him pretty well.  But dammed if I’ve ever seen him this angry before.  Before I could ask him if he wanted anything he just threw something on the table, and began to turn.  His parting words were “I hope you’re all fucking happy now,” and he was gone.  

I turn to look at Michael, wondering about the tornado that just stormed through here, and what the hell had gotten up Brian’s ass.  “What the hell was that about,” I ask him.

Michael only shrugs, as I notice Emmett pick up one of the items that Brian had thrown down up.  I look closer and see that they’re letters.  And I have seen enough of that handwriting to know that it belongs to our Sunshine.  Of course my curiosity gets the better of me, as I reach for the letters.  Low and behold there’s one addressed to Vic and myself.  

Now let me tell you, I have never felt the sense of dread that I felt at that moment.  I mean the last time I saw Sunshine was two weeks ago.  I just stare at the letter, and from Brian’s entrance I can only hope and pray that it’s not what I think that it is.  Sunshine wouldn’t . . . would he?

I look up to see Emmett crying, Michael looking like he just swallowed a forty-pound pig, Ben and Ted, just shaking their heads.  I just clench the letter closer to my chest, then turn to get the boys’ their breakfast.  I figure that what I had just seen, I didn’t want to read the letter now.  It was addressed to Vic and I, and I’ll be damned if I don’t read it with him.  For the rest of the day, the gang was silent.

My shift too entirely too long.  All I could think about was the letter that was still in my hand.  For some reason, I just couldn’t let it go.  I could only think that if I let this letter go, set it down, the Sunshine would truly be gone.  I knew that he was gone.  How, why, what – I didn’t know, but I could tell by the reactions of everyone that he was gone.  I only hoped that he was still alive, and didn’t go and kill himself.  He just didn’t seem like the type to me.  I just couldn’t believe that he would do something like that.

When I got home, I called for Vic to come downstairs and I hand him the letter.  I just couldn’t read it.  I had tried. . . believe you me, I had tried.  It was just that every time I had begun to open it, my hand refused to cooperate.  “What’s this,” I heard him ask.

“Hell if I know.  All I know is that it’s from Sunshine, Brian came in and dumped them on us, like a bat out of hell, and it isn’t good news,” I tell him.  

Vic and I moved to the couch, and I watched as he opened the letter and began to read it out loud.

_ Dear Vic and Debi –  _

__

_ I wanted to thank the both of you first and foremost for everything that the two of you have done for me.  I wish that there was some way I could repay you, but I don’t think that I would ever be able to.  You allowed me into your home, and made me feel like a part of your family.  Thank-you for that. _

__

_ I wish I could tell you that I’m sorry, and make you believe it.  But I know that nothing I say or do right now makes a damn bit of difference.  I let you all down.  I know I did.  I lied, cheated, and betrayed all of you.  I am sorry.  I hope you can understand that if I could go back and change things I would.   _

__

_ I am sorry that I had hurt Brian, and all of you.  I wish I knew what I was thinking at the time, but truthfully, I don’t.   _

__

_ By the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone.  Don’t worry about me, please.  Know that I am fine, _ _ and that I just need time to try and come to terms with things that have happened in the past year.  Don’t think that you are to blame for anything that I’ve done.  Don’t think that you should’ve known, ‘cause I didn’t even know until recently.   _

__

_ I am sorry for any pain that I have caused you.  Please forgive me.  I’ll be fine, and I will try and keep in touch so that you don’t worry about me.  I hope that one day; you can all forgive me for the pain that I have caused you.  I am sorry. _

__

_ Thank-you for everything.  I am eternally grateful.  It is because of the two of you that I know that I need help in order to come to terms with everything.  You two have shown me what having strength really is.  Please take care of yourselves.  I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to either one of you.  I love you both, you are my family.   _

__

_ Thank-you,  _

_ Justin _

_ aka.  “Sunshine” _

“What,” I cry out.  What is he thinking?  He didn’t do anything wrong.  I just grab the letter out of Vic’s hand, and stare at it, wishing that it didn’t mean what it had said.  I sit there just staring at this piece of paper, waiting for my Sunshine to come through the door and tell us that this was a joke.  

Come on, Sunshine.  Come through that door.

******************

** Emmett **

There I was, just sitting there thinking that this is the best day in my life.  I mean I have Teddy, my friends, my health . . . everything was wonderful.  At least that was until Brian came storming into the diner.  I knew before he even threw the letters at us and stormed right back out, that my baby was gone.  Justin and I had talked a lot these past couple of months, heck these past couple of weeks when Daphne wasn’t around.  I knew he was having a hard time, and that he still loved Brian very deeply, but I didn’t think that it would be something like this.  

I pulled the top letter, which was addressed to me, and opened it.  I can say that honestly, I never knew that I could cry so hard.  At least I hadn’t since he was hurt last year, or of course when Georgie died.  

_ Emmett: _

__

_ I want to thank-you most of all, out of everyone (besides Lindsey and Melanie) you have been a friend to me and I am grateful for everything that you have done for me.  I will never forget all of the times we spent together, just hanging out, talking about the latest fashion, or guys.  You have always been there for me, and you have always shown me love.   _

__

_ I just wish that I hadn’t disappointed all of you.  I know you say that you understand what I did, but I don’t know how.  I don’t even know why I did it.  Em, I have been having problems lately, and I haven’t told anyone about them.  Well except Daphne, but she figured it out.  I’m sorry I wasn’t up front with you, since you have always been there for me.  I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from the bashing last year.  I didn’t even know, until recently.  That’s why I haven’t been myself this past year (just like you had mentioned on numerous occasions.) _

__

_ I wanted to let you know, however, that I am happy for you, Em.  You and Ted are perfect for _ _ each other, and I wish you all the best.  One of us deserves to be happy, and I’m glad that you were able to move on after George.  I can only hope that I am able to do the same.   _

__

_ I don’t want you to worry about me, okay?  I know that’s a hard thing to ask you, since I know you will.  But I will be okay.  I just need to get my head together.  I look back on what I was like before the bashing, and I can’t help but wonder where that young man went to.  I hope you understand why I’m doing this.  I need the time to find myself again.  It’s like the time that you ‘found the light’.  Okay, don’t hit me. ;-)   _

__

_ Know that I WILL be in touch.  Wherever I end up, I have to show you the sites, and you can point out all the good looking guys to me.  Just like the old days.   _

__

_ I love you, Emmett.  I am grateful that you are my friend.  This changes nothing.  You are and will always be my friend. _

__

_ Thank-you for being there for me. _

_ Your friend forever, _

_ Justin _

_ P.S. Please take care of Brian for me.  I do love him, and I don’t want him to suffer anymore. _

So here I was reading the letter in front of me, with tears streaming down my face, and all I could think of was why didn’t I see it coming?  What kind of friend was I to not see this?

He said he would be in touch with me, and I pray to god he will.  I have always loved my little baby, and I can’t see my life, any of our lives without him in it.  I know that the others have given him the evil eye, or just shut him out, but not me Hun.  I would never do that to him.  I know that Brian and Justin belong together, and that they both love each other very much.  I just wish that the others could see how much the break-up had hurt him.  And it did, I saw it.  

I know deep down that whenever he calls, I will be on the first plane or whatever to go and see him.  He needs to know that I’m there for him.  That I love him.  I just wish that he already knew that.  I just wish that he didn’t feel like he did not belong here.  I wish I could just take away all of his pain, and tell him everything will be alright.  I can only hope he finds what he’s looking for.  But even if he doesn’t, I’ll make sure he knows that I’m there for him.  No matter what.

******************

** Ted **

When Brian left, I looked over at Emmett.  He had grabbed the letter at the top of the stack and began to cry.  I wanted nothing more than to take him in my arms, and stop the tears, but I saw a letter sitting there with my name on it.  Of course it had Ben’s name on it as well, but I guess that’s sort of understandable.  I mean I wasn’t as close to Justin as say Emmett, or hell even Michael.  

I grab the letter and begin to read.  I mean what would Justin have to say to me?  It’s not like we were best of buddies.  

_ Ted and Ben: _

__

_ I guess, I just wanted the two of you to know that I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for a great deal, but I am sorry that I didn’t get to know the two of you better.  Yeah, we hung out, and had a lot of wonderful times, but that was about it.  I now wish that I knew more.  That we had more time.   _

__

_ I hope you understand that I feel terrible for all the pain that I have caused everyone.  I wish I could change what I did, or didn’t do, but I can’t.  Please take care of yourselves.  I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to either one of you. _

__

_ Ted – I wish you the best in your business.  You are a very smart man, with a big heart.  Take care of Emmett for me.  He has been a wonderful friend to me, and I know that my departure will hurt him.  The two of you are great for each other.  I wish you many, many happy years together.   _

__

_ Take care of yourselves. _

_ Justin _

I can say that I’m honestly shocked at what I’m reading.  I never thought that Justin would feel like this.  And here I was a total jackass to him these past couple of weeks.  Hell we all were.  Boy do I feel like a real ass.  I’ll do what Justin asked.  Mainly because I always knew that he had been close to Emmett.  I’ll take care of Emmett, and maybe when Justin comes back, we can try and be better friends to each other.

******************

** Ben **

When Ted finished the letter addressed to the two of us, I take it in my hand.  I wish that I had more time to get to know Justin better, but I also know that it wasn’t the time.  He was trying to figure out his relationship with Brian, while I was trying to figure out my relationship with Michael.  But we both knew what it is like.  It’s not easy to come in the middle of a friendship like what this small group of men and woman had.  They were a family, and they are real choosey who they allow into their circle.  

I’m grateful that they had allowed me to be a part of their family, but now I’m saddened by the loss of one of our members.  

I pulled open the letter and read what Justin had to say.  All the while wishing him the best in whatever venture he decides to take part in.

_ Ben – I wish that we had more time to get to know each other.  I know what it’s like to feel like the odd man out.  Trying to come into this little group isn’t always easy, and I hope that we had made you feel welcome.  You are good for Michael.  I’m glad that he found you.  Please take care of yourself.  I would like to get to know you better, and be friends with you.  Please allow me that opportunity.  Take care of Michael.  I know that what he did was because he cared for Brian.  I understand.  I have a lot of regrets, but I can honestly say that what I’ve done to Michael, is in the top five.  I hope you have a long and happy life, Ben.  You deserve it. _

That was always one thing that I admired about Justin.  Despite all that he had been through these past two years, he had always tried to put others before himself.  He always had a strong character, and knew what he wanted.  I can only hope he finds the peace he deserves, and he longs for.  Maybe I’ll find out where he’s at, and we can talk.  I want to help him, I think I can.  All I have to do is wait.  Wait, and be there for the rest of the family as they begin to allow this loss to sink in.  I don’t think that anyone would’ve thought that one person would have such an impact on their lives.  But anyone, even an outsider like myself, can see it.  Justin helped hold this family together.  

I can only hope that everyone survives long enough for all of us to find each other again.  I hope that this family can survive.  All I can do is be there for them, and help them through it.  Especially Michael and Brian.  

******************

** Michael **

It had been a great couple of weeks, just like the old days.  Brian and I were closer friends than ever.  At least that’s what I wanted to believe.  I knew he was hurting from what Justin had done to him, but I also knew deep down that I was at least in part to blame for the whole thing.  Don’t get me wrong, Justin was wrong to do what he did to Brian, but maybe I should’ve butted out, and let them handle it.  But I couldn’t.  Not when it was Brian.  

I hadn’t seen Justin since the night of the Rage party, and I was beginning to wonder what was going to happen.  Despite what I feel about Justin right now, which frankly is nothing, I still need his help.  I never would’ve gotten this far without him.  I know that.  We made a great team. 

I guess that’s why I was surprised when Brian came storming in, threw something at us, and told us that he hoped we were all happy.  I didn’t know what he meant until I took a closer look at the table.  I immediately recognized Justin’s writing.  

I picked up the letter addressed to me, wondering what he had to say to me.  What could he say to make things better?  What do I feel about this whole mess?  I don’t know much of anything anymore when it comes to Justin or to Brian to tell you the truth.  Despite the fact that Brian and I hang out a lot more lately, he still won’t talk to me like he used to.  I just don’t know what to do right now, so I can only hope that this letter will answer some of the questions I have.  Why?

_ Michael: _

__

_ I know that you more than likely don’t ever want to hear from me again, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand.  I know why you did what you did; I only wish that I had the chance to talk to Brian first.  I wish that you had told me, and we could’ve talked about it, but I know that it is all false hope.   _

__

_ I can say that I am grateful for your friendship these past couple of months; I never thought that it would happen.   _

__

_ I am glad that you are there to watch out for Brian.  I hope he realizes what a good friend you are.   _

__

_ I know that you most likely never want to work with me on the comic book again, and I can understand.  I don’t know if I can ever do that again.  So I am including a list of artists I know from PIFA who I think would be able to do the comic justice.  I was thrilled when we came up with the idea, and I loved working on it with you.  I had a lot of fun.  But like almost everything else in my life . . . it has come to an end.  I wish you the best in it.  If you need any input you can contact my mom or Daphne.  I’ll help out wherever I can, if you want it. _

__

_ I’m sorry for ever hurting Brian, and putting you in the position I did.  I don’t blame you for anything.  It was all my fault.  Keep an eye out for Brian, which I know you will. _

__

_ Best of luck on Rage. _

_ Forgive me, _

_ Justin _

I can’t believe it.  He’s worried about how I feel, and wanting me to continue the comic book without him?  He wants me to watch out for Brian?  I thought that he would tell me to fuck off, or something like that.  Definitely not what I just read.  And the fact that he is still willing to help me with the comic, comes as a serious shock to me.  

All I could think of these past couple of weeks was that Justin was an arrogant, little fuck, who didn’t deserve to have Brian’s love or my friendship.  But now, I see that he is blaming himself for everything.  A part of me wants to agree, but I also know that I am partly at fault as well.

I have to find Brian.  Find out what’s going on, and what I can do.  Please, let everything be alright.

******************

** Lindsey **

When Brian came to the door, I immediately knew that something was wrong.  He looked awful.  His eyes no longer held the spark that they used to.  I quickly pull him in the house, and set him down in the living room.  “Brian what’s wrong,” I ask, hoping to get some answer out of him.  He looked like he was ready to pass out, to give up.  I had to know what was hurting him so much.  I had to help.  Thankfully, Mel came in and handed him a cup of coffee, then sat down next to me.  I think that what Brian has to say will crush me.  I mean what chance do **I** have if Brian is like this?

Of course I didn’t expect the answer I got from him.  He told me all about Justin suffering from PTSD, to his planning on leaving.  He told us about what Craig Taylor had said to Justin, to him waking up this morning and finding Justin gone.  He had really hoped that he could talk Justin into staying, but from what I’ve just heard, I almost couldn’t blame Justin.  I had seen how the others treated him of late, and it had pained me to see Justin suffering.  I didn’t understand how they could be so cold to him.  

Now everything was falling into place.  All of the strange things that Justin had done, or said this past year, all make sense now.  And I find myself getting angry.  Angry at all of us for not seeing it, for not helping Justin out.  Instead we all just ignored the problem, hoping that it would just go away.  But it didn’t, and I can see that all we did was make things worse.  Not only worse for Justin, but for Brian as well.  He really does love Justin; he just doesn’t know how to show it.  

Brian reached into his pocket and handed Mel and I a small letter.  I watched as Mel opened the letter and began to read it out loud.  As Mel read what Justin had to say, I made sure that I kept a close eye on Brian.  I didn’t want to lose him too.

_ Lindsey and Melanie _

__

_ I want to thank you both for allowing me to be a part of your family, and allowing me to be a part of Gus’ life.  I will never be able to pay you back for all that you have given me over the past couple of years.  You have stood by me, and helped me through some tough times.  I will be forever grateful for all of the wonderful things that you have done for me, and for the way that you have stuck up for me.  I hope the two of you do not blame yourself for any of this.  I know that the two of you introduced me to Ethan, but know that all of this is my fault not yours.  I don’t want you to think otherwise. _

__

_ But as you know, lately, things have been hard on all of us.  I am to blame, I know.  I am sorry if what I did caused you pain.  I only did what at the time I thought was right.  I know that you hate me right now, and I don’t blame you, I hate myself for the pain I have ‘cause Brian, and you.  But please know, it was never my intention.  I am sorry for all of the pain I caused you. _

__

_ I am leaving Pittsburg.  I have realized that I have been having a lot of problems this past year, problems that I have never resolved.  I didn’t realize that I still hadn’t gotten over what happened a year ago, and I know now, that I have to.  Because of my inability to cope with it, I have pushed you all away, and I have hurt Brian the most.  I am sorry. _

__

_ Please understand that I never meant to hurt anyone.  I hope that someday, we can be friends again, but I know that it will take time.  I’m willing to give you the time to heal, for I know I have to do the same.  I will be in touch.   _

__

_ Please don’t let Gus think that I’m an awful person.  I love him with all my heart, and I will miss him everyday.  I love you both as well, and I hope to see you again soon _

__

_ I’m sorry. _

_ Justin _

_ P.S. Please watch out for Brian for me.  I have caused him a lot of pain, and I couldn’t stand it if he suffered anymore because of me. _

I began to cry.  Not only from the words of pain that Justin had placed in the letter, but the pain in Brian’s eyes.  “Oh Brian,” I began through my tears.

  
Brian just held his hand up to me, halting anything that I might have said.  “Don’t okay.  I heard it all before.”  

“I just don’t understand why he thinks that this is his entire fault,” I stress.  It was unbelievable.  I mean here we were, thinking that we should’ve seen something, we should’ve done something, and Justin is the one apologizing to us.  I had always known he was a wonderful young man, but from someone to do what he did. . . He knew that Brian and all of us would blame ourselves.  He knew that and he wanted us all guilt free.  He didn’t want us to feel guilty for doing what we should’ve done.  

  
Brian just shrugged his shoulders, and pinching the bridge of his nose.  “He’s in a great deal of pain right now, and all I know is that I have to find him, Lindz.  I have to,” he said.  I could hear the pain in his voice.  Brian was scared.  He had never felt this way about anyone, or least that’s what he always tried to convince me of.  And now he had realized what Justin meant to him, and Justin was gone.  I swore to myself that I would do whatever I could to try and help him.  I owe him that much, I owe Justin that much.  Those two belong together; I can only hope that we find Justin before it’s too late for the both of them.

******************

Mel

I sit here listening to Brian and Lindsey talk, and I just can’t believe what I’ve read and heard.  I never thought that Justin would be going through this.  I feel so guilty at what we have done.  I mean, I don’t really give a damn about Brian, ‘cause I still think he’s a selfish prick, but I’m not blind either.  I know that he loved Justin, and if I want to be honest, I can tell he still loves Justin.  Just like I know deep down that he loves Gus.  I may not always agree with Brian on things, okay, so I don’t agree with him on almost anything, but he’s right about this.  We should’ve seen it coming.  We should’ve been there to help.  

Justin had become such a large part of Lindsey’s and my life.  He helped out with Gus, more times than I can count.  Hell, he even helped us move that damn mattress upstairs.  He’s been like a younger brother to the both of us, and I know he was part of the reason that Brian had given up his parental rights to me.  But Justin would never say as much, he wanted everyone to see what he sees in Brian.  No matter how many times I told him that it would never happen, he still tried. 

When Brian turned to leave, Lindsey made sure to let him know that we were there for him, and that we’d help him out anyway that we could. 

I know that I’ll help Brian out . . . and not because it’s Brian, but I’ll do it for Justin.  No mater how much I may think that Justin deserves better than Brian, I do know that they love each other.  They both will be unhappy with anyone else, and Justin deserves a little happiness after the shit he’s been through.  So for Justin, I’m going to do whatever I have to do to help Brian find him.  For Justin and for Gus, ‘cause everyone knows that I don’t give a damn about Brian.

At least that’s what I want to believe.

******************

** Jennifer **

_ Dear Mom –  _

__

_ I know that you are worried about me, but don’t.  I’m fine.  I am leaving Pittsburg, and going to try and start over in another city.  Don’t worry about me, please.  I’ll be fine.  I have to do this, mom.  Too much has happened these past couple of years, and I need some time away.   _

__

_ Don’t blame yourself for what dad did.  He was only telling me what in my mind, I already knew.  I don’t blame you for anything that happened last night.  I love you and Molly, and I don’t want to ‘cause the two of you any more pain than I already have.   _

__

_ I’ll keep in touch, and I will let you know where I am, and how I am. _

__

_ I love you.  Take care of yourself and Molly.  Know that I will miss you, and will think of you every day, but this is something that I have to do for myself.   _

__

_ I’ll call as soon as I get to where I’m going. _

__

_ Tell dad, that I understand. _

__

_ Love you always, _

_ Your son, _

_ Justin _

I just sit there and cry.  My son is gone, and it’s all my fault.  I should’ve stopped Craig from attacking Justin.  I knew he didn’t look well, I knew that he wasn’t well since his break-up with Brian.  But I allowed it to happen.  I can only hope that he’s safe.  Please God, keep my son safe.  

  
Then after I prayed for my son, I did something that I never thought I would do.  I also prayed for Brian.  Despite all of his faults, despite that I think he’s wrong for my son, despite everything, I know that he loves Justin.  If anyone can bring my son home, it will be him.  I only hope that Justin accepts the help.  I can only hope that Justin isn’t too far gone to realize that we are here for him.  

All he has to do is call, and I’ll make sure he knows that he’s loved, and that I’m here when he’s ready to come home.  I’ll tell him I love him.  

******************

** Brian **

I got back to the loft, and just stood at the door.  For some reason, I just can’t make my legs move any further inside.  I know that Justin’s not here, and more likely he may never be here again.  Why did he have to leave?  Why did he have to open up so much to me, and not give me the chance to let him know how I felt, what I felt?  

  
I know I have no right to be angry at him for robbing me of the opportunity, but I can’t help it.  I can only hope that I will get the chance to someday.  I have to tell him what I’ve realized.  He has to know what I feel about him, what I’ve always felt about him.  I have to let him know that I made a mistake.  I lied.  I do love him; I can -- given the chance -- give him what he wants.  I just need him here to help me.  I can’t do it alone.  

I can’t believe that I was so calm at the diner.  Seeing all of them -- all of the people who had let Justin down, who had turned their back on him – I amazed myself at my control.  All I wanted to do was rip into them, yell, scream, punch something or someone.  How dare they treat Justin like that, and say that it was all for me.  How dare they try and use me as an excuse to shut Justin out.  Justin had earned his place among us, and I’ll be dammed if I allow them to shit on him.  He’s been through too much to have them turn on him too.  

Slowly, I take off my jacket, and make my way toward the shower.  I feel sick, dirty, and all around like shit.  I desperately need a drink, but first I need to feel clean.  I can only hope that I can survive long enough to find him.  And I will find him.  There’s no doubt in my mind.  I have failed him enough, but I can’t fail him in this.  I need him.  There’s nothing nor no one who can stop me from my goal.  

I also know that one of these days; Craig Taylor is going to have a nice little meeting with me.  I don’t know when yet, but I’m smart enough to know that if I see that asshole now, I’ll do Justin no good ‘cause I’ll be in jail for murder.  I want to fucking kill him; rip his fucking heart right out of his chest.  But I have to wait.  When Craig Taylor least expects it, I’ll be there.  He thinks he is good at sneaking up on me, and attacking me from behind.  Well that I could deal with, but what he did to Justin . . . that was the last straw.  Craig Taylor will feel the pain that Justin is, only on a much larger scale.  I’ll see to that.

Of course, I also know that I’m going to have to talk to the others.  I need to know what in the hell they were thinking.  But once again, I am smart enough to know that right now, I am not in the right frame of mind to be objective, and I need to be.  I need to hear them out, hear their side of things.  So maybe I won’t isolate myself from everyone that has ever meant anything to me.  No matter what I need them.  I’m not ready to give it up fully.  But dammed if they don’t have a lot to explain, a lot to make up for.  And I’m not going to make it easy on them.

I step into the shower, and turn it as hot as I can stand it.  Hopefully, I can bring some warmth back into my skin.  Since I woke up and found Justin gone, I haven’t been able to feel much of anything.  Justin told me last night that he felt numb . . . well I think he left it sitting in the loft, ‘cause that’s exactly what I feel right now.  I don’t feel anything.  I feel cold.  

I don’t know how long I stood there, but I remember feeling the water begin to chill.  As I turned off the shower, I heard the sound of the phone ringing.  Thinking that it’s Michael, or one of the others, I just let the machine get it as I dry myself off.

Then I froze. 

“Um. . . Brian. . . It’s me, Justin. . . I know that you probably don’t want to hear from me, but. . .”  I hear coming from the machine, and I immediately rush over.

“Justin,” I cry out into the phone.

“Brian, I didn’t think you were home, I was just going to leave a message,” I heard him say.  He sounded even more depressed than he did last night.  At least this time he wasn’t yelling as well.  Frankly, I think I’d rather have the yelling.

“It’s okay.  Where are you Justin?”

“I’m okay.”

I have to laugh slightly.  He’s trying to avoid the entire question, but this time, I won’t let him.  “Where are you?  Please Justin, just tell me where you are.  I need to see you, I need to talk to you,” I beg.  Okay, so now I’m begging.  The one thing I never thought I would do.  I can’t believe that I’ve resorted to this.  But I’ll do anything just to see that he’s alright.  I have to see for myself.

“I’m okay.  Look, Bri, I’m just not ready to see anyone right now, okay. Please understand.  Please say you understand,” he begged.

I feel my heart clench in my chest at his pleading voice.  He had the same voice last night; when he asked me make love to him.  I can’t stand to hear that tone come from his lips.  “I understand,” I tell him, despite the fact that I don’t.  I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me, I need to see him.  I have to.  “Will you at least let me know soon,” I ask.  Silently begging him to say yes.

  
”I promise.  Just give me some time okay.  Anyway, I just called to let you know that I’m okay, and to thank-you for last night.  I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you, but I didn’t know what I was doing,” he said to me.  

The entire time he’s talking I’m trying to listen in on the background noises, hoping to get some clue as to where he is.  “Listen, Justin.  Promise me you’ll call me if you need anything.  Call me no matter what it is, no matter what time of day it is, okay?  Promise me,” I know that he hates to have to rely on me for everything and that if he can help it, he won’t ask.  So I decide I’ll play one last card to get him to stay in touch with me.  I have to know he’s alright, that he’ll be taken care of.  “I won’t be able to concentrate on anything, to do anything if I am worried that you’re off somewhere, god knows where, hurt or something.  Promise me, Justin.  I don’t think I can stand to know you’re hurt somewhere, or need help.  Promise?”

“I promise.  Thanks, Brian.  For everything.  I’ll keep in touch.  I love you,” he said as he hung up the phone.  

For the longest time I just stood there with the phone cradled in my hand.  “I love you too, Justin.”

*******************

For All Time By Soluna 

  You’ve been the first in my life

  Who has ever made me feel this way

  And I will not deny

  I’m gonna need you right here by my side

  {Baby, I can’t wait}

  Come right over here and let me lead the way

  {Let me take your breath away}

  By holdin’ you, kissin’ you, lovin’ you, touchin’ you

  {Never will be too late}

  To see myself through your eyes

  {Baby, I can’t wait}

  Until the day I hear you say

  You are mine

  There’s no other one for me

  Keep in mind

  You make my life complete

  And tonight

  We’ll make love endlessly

  ‘Cause you’re mine

  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time

  Now that you’re here, boy

  I’m never gonna let you go

  Can I touch you there, oh

  Do you mind if we kiss real slow

  You’re my everything {Everything}

  You’re my hopes and dreams {Hopes and dreams}

  Baby, you know it ain’t no lie

  I’m gonna be with you till the day that I die

  {Baby, I can’t wait}

  Come right over here and let me lead the way

  {Let me take your breath away}

  By holdin’ you, kissin’ you, lovin’ you, touchin’ you

  {Never will be too late}

  To see myself through your eyes

  {Baby, I can’t wait} No, no

  Till the day I hear you say

  You are mine

  There’s no other one for me

  Keep in mind (Keep in mind)

  You make my life complete

  And tonight

  We’ll make love endlessly

  ‘Cause you’re mine

  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time

  You’re the one who lights my fire

  You’re the one who keeps me strong

  You’re the one that I depend on

  When my world is goin’ wrong

  You’re the one that I hold closer

  You’re the man I’m dreaming of

  And I really, really love you

  I just want you to know that

  You are mine

  There’s no other one for me

  Keep in mind (Keep in mind)

  You make my life complete (Complete)

  And tonight

  We’ll make love endlessly

  ‘Cause you’re mine

  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time

  I can’t wait till the day

  When I’ll hear you say

  You’re the one that I need

  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time

For All Time by Soluna

 


	2. II

Part 3: Do What You Have To Do

_ a glowing ember _

_ burning hot _

_ burning slow _

_ deep within I'm shaken by the violence _

_ of existing for only you _

__

_ I know I can't be with you _

_ I do what I have to do _

_ I know I can't be with you _

_ I do what I have to do _

_ and I have sense to recognize but _

_ I don't know how to let you go _

_ \--Do What You Have To Do by Sarah  _ _ McLachlan _

** APRIL 2002 **

Justin got off of the bus and looked around the large station.  _‘This place was a lot bigger than Pittsburgh, and scarier,_ ’ he thought.  Justin smiled as he saw a group of teens standing and dancing in the waiting area with their bags forming a circle around them.  Silently he wished that he could be that carefree again, that he could be that happy.  

Spotting a phone in the back of the building, Justin made his way over to it, wondering why his feet were moving in this direction.  Part of him wished that he had never gotten on that bus.  Of course this was the same part that wished he was still lying in Brian’s bed at the loft, making love to Brian.  But Justin knew that he couldn’t do that to Brian.  When he reached the phone he pulled out his calling card, and began to punch in the numbers.  _‘He deserves to know that I’m okay.  I shouldn’t have left him the way I did,_ ’ he thought as he punched in the number to the loft _.  ‘I wish I was stronger than that.  I wish that I had been able to take what he had to offer.  But I can’t do that to him.  I can’t use him like that.’_   

As the connection was made, Justin waited for the machine to pick up.  He wasn’t stupid enough to think that Brian would be at the loft at eight o’clock on a Saturday night.  “. . .You know what to do,” Justin heard, and took a deep breath.

When Justin heard the beep, he began to wonder if this was a good idea.  “Um. . . Brian. . . It’s me, Justin. . . I know that you probably don’t want to hear from me, but. . .”  

“Justin,” Brian yells in the phone, cutting off what Justin was about to say.  To Justin he sounded out of breath, and wondered if Brian had started early in his nightly routine.  _‘Don’t think about that,’_ he cursed himself.  He didn’t want to think about Brian tricking.  That’s where they had the problems before.  

“Brian,” he began.  Justin wasn’t sure what to say now that he actually had Brian on the phone.  He hadn’t planned on Brian being there at all.  _‘What the fuck am I going to say now,’_ he wondered.  “I didn’t think you were home, I was just going to leave a message,” Justin added as he looked around the bus stop.  

Justin heard Brian take a deep breath, and sigh.  “It’s okay.  Where are you Justin?”

Justin froze.  _‘I can’t tell him.  I can’t let him know.’_   Justin knew that he couldn’t let Brian know where he was.  If Brian knew then he would be down here, and Justin knew that he would never let him go _.  ‘I have to do this on my own.  I can’t depend on him, I can’t use him all the time.  Please understand Brian.  I’m doing this for us,_ ’ he begged in his mind.  “I’m okay.”

Justin hears Brian’s laugh, and knows that Brian wasn’t going to give up.  He wished that Brian would just accept what he had and forget the rest.  But once Brian got on his protective streak, Justin knew that no one could stand in his way.  _‘And I sure as hell gave him enough reason last night to worry about me.  Fuck!  What the hell was I thinking in saying anything to Brian?  I should’ve just left, and not gone to Woody’s.  Fuck!’_   “Where are you?  Please Justin, just tell me where you are.  I need to see you, I need to talk to you,” Justin hears the slight plea in Brian’s voice.

Justin knew that he couldn’t -- wouldn’t -- lie to Brian.  Not anymore.  He had to think of something else -- another way to keep Brain away.  “I’m okay.  Look, Bri., I’m just not ready to see anyone right now, okay. Please understand.  Please say you understand,” he begged. _‘Please understand what I’m not saying Brian.  It’s not that I don’t want you, I do.  It’s just that I need to do this.  I need to be strong again.  Please understand.’_

“I understand. Will you at least let me know soon,” Justin heard him say, and breathed a sigh of relief.  That’s all he wanted, and Brian gave it to him.  It wasn’t as though Justin thought that Brian really understood, but he was allowing Justin to have the space he needed at the moment.  

“I promise.  Just give me some time okay.”  Justin was scared -- more so than he had ever been in his life.  All he wanted at that moment was for Brian to be there with him, holding him, and telling him that things were going to be okay.  To tell him that he wasn’t the terrible person everyone thinks he is.  Justin knew that last night was a starting point for him.  It was the beginning of his healing process, and he had to let Brian know that he was grateful for all the help the man had given him.  “Anyway, I just called to let you know that I’m okay, and to thank-you for last night.  I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you, but I didn’t know what I was doing.” 

Hearing Brian’s voice caused a pain in Justin’s chest.  He hated to hear the pain, the need, in Brian’s voice, but he knew that he couldn’t do anything about it _.  ‘I’ve just hurt him so much,_ ’ Justin thought.  “Listen, Justin.  Promise me you’ll call me if you need anything.  Call me no matter what it is, no matter what time of day it is, okay?  Promise me,” Brian asked, almost begging.  Justin just closed his eyes, not really wanting to hear anymore.  How could he promise that to Brian?  He had come to this city to get away from it all, to see if he could make it on his own.  To be the person that Brian deserved.  “I won’t be able to concentrate on anything, to do anything if I am worried that you’re off somewhere, god knows where, hurt or something.  Promise me, Justin.  I don’t think I can stand to know you’re hurt somewhere, or need help.  Promise?”  ‘ _Fuck_ ,’ Justin thought.  _‘He would try and pull a guilt trip on me wouldn’t he.’_

Knowing that he couldn’t deny Brian at least that one promise, he agreed.  “I promise.  Thanks, Brian.  For everything.  I’ll keep in touch.  I love you,” he said as he hung up the phone.  Justin wanted to say more to Brian, to tell him where he was, and have him come here to take him away from all of this.  He couldn’t.  Justin couldn’t do that to Brian.  He left, and he couldn’t ask Brian to give up everything for him.  He wasn’t worth it.

Justin made his way toward the information counter next to the exit and waited in line.  When he reached the counter he gave a small smile to the young lady waiting on him.  “Can you tell me where the closest hotel is?  Nothing too pricey?”

The lady looked him over and smiled.  “New in town,” she asked him, and she began to type something on her computer.

“Yeah, I’ve never been here before.  Well not counting the airport,” Justin said with a smile.  The lady had a way to make him feel less scared, and for that Justin was grateful.

“You look a little young to be out here alone.”

“I’m nineteen,” Justin said, knowing that he didn’t look his age at all.  _‘Well not when I’ve been on a bus for the last eighteen hours, and wearing a worn-out t-shirt and faded jeans,’_ he thought.  _‘It’s a wonder that they don’t think I’m sort of run-away._ ’  “And you’re one to talk,” he added with a smile.

The lady just looked at him in shock for a second.  “Well then, I guess it’s okay,” she laughed.  Justin laughed back at her.  He was beginning to feel a little more comfortable with this situation.  He was silently glad that he had saved up enough money these past two years.  Brian had never once asked for the money he owed him back.  With that along with from all the tips at the diner, and the money he had earned working for Gary, Justin had enough to live on for a while at least.  What he would do after that, he wasn’t too sure, but he hoped he had a job by then.  Grabbing the list of hotels that she handed him, Justin looked it over.  “This one here isn’t too bad, and it’s cheap.  But just to let you know, there are places around here that will take people like you in.  Get you started,” she told him.  

Justin just smiled and took the paper.  “Thanks.  One more thing,” he asked.  “How do I get there?”

The lady smiled at him, and shook her head.  Handing him more papers, she began to explain.  “You can just take Marta.  Just go across the street there, and take the train to the Five Point Station, okay.  Then get on the East train and get off at the next exit.  It’ll be the hotel right outside the station.  That’s where the college students go a lot.”

Justin said his thanks, took his two bags, and made his way toward the train station.  He glanced up and saw the sign above the exit, and smiled.  

** WELCOME TO ATLANTA. **

He hoped that he would find what he needed here.  

*******************

** APRIL 2002 **

Justin walked out of the hotel, and made his way toward the club that he’d heard about.  Since he had been there, a little over a week now, he had been spending most of his time trying to find a job.  He knew that he had only enough money for a month at the hotel, and he had to find something quick before he was out on the street.  _‘I’ve been there before,’_ he thought to himself.  _‘But this time Brian isn’t here to take me in.’_   

Justin had went to the library and looked for places to go.  If he could get a job at the club even, that would be a blessing.  He only hoped that if he did get a job there, he wouldn’t be stuck in the same web that he had during his time a Babylon.  Justin knew he couldn’t handle that mess again.  He stopped at the bus stop, and waited.  Seeing a group of the guys on his floor, Justin just nodded.  “Justin, right,” one of the guys asked.

“Yeah.  You’re Nate,” Justin asked back.  He had met a lot of people in the past week that he was unsure who anyone was.  The group of young men stepped onto the bus, and began to seat themselves wherever they could find a spot.

“That’s me.  So where you headed,” the young man asked as he came to sit next to Justin.

Justin tried not to take a step back from the man.  It wasn’t that the man was going to hurt him, but Justin had been on edge for a while and he wasn’t ready to get shit upon again.  _‘Chris did a number on me,’_ he thought.  “I’m heading to the clubs, see what’s going on there,” he stated.  _‘Should I tell them which club?  What will they think of me if I tell them,’_ he wondered.  It wasn’t that he was ashamed of who he was, it was just that . . . heck like everything else in his life at that moment he wasn’t sure.  

“So are we.  We’re going to Backstreet, you wanna come,” he asked Justin.

Justin breathed a sigh of relief when Nate mentioned the name of the club. _‘At least I don’t have to worry about them hating me because I’m gay._ ’  “That’s where I was headed, actually.  So sure, why not.”  The group of young men got off at their stop, and began to walk toward a large building.  Justin looked around the area, and saw the Fox Theater near by.  It wasn’t really the type of area he would’ve thought that a gay bar would be at, but then again, this was Atlanta.  He had been told that the majority of Midtown was gay populated, so why not.  They all walked around the back of the building and began to show their ID’s.  Justin was grateful that he still had his fake ID on him, and hoped that these security officers didn’t take a real good look at it.  

After passing the inspection, Justin followed Nate and the others as they paid their way in.  Nate stood by as Justin paid for his way, and his membership, smiling at him.  Passing the pool tables,  they made their way up a set of stairs on the side of the dance floor _.  ‘It’s no where near as big as Babylon,’_ he thought.  _‘At least it doesn’t look like they have gogo dancers here.’_   “So what’s up here,” he asked, heading into a small bar area with a stage.

“Welcome to Charlie Brown’s Cabaret,” Nate exclaimed.  “You’ll love it.  Come on, let’s get a seat before this place fills up.”  The four men sat at a table in the front of the room, and Nate turned to Justin.  “By the way, this is Kevin, and Mike.”  After pleasantries were exchanged, and drinks orders, Justin sat back and looked around the room.  On the sidewall, he noticed a mural with a group of people with a saying **‘where the men are men, and the beautiful woman are men.** ’  Justin had to laugh quietly.  

“Hey,” he heard someone yell from across the room, which forced him to look up.  He saw the same young lady that he had first met when he had arrived.  “Remember me,” she asked as she took a seat next to Nate.  “Excuse me,” she stated, pushing the man a little more off of the seat.

“There’s no excuse for you.”  Nate turned to Justin and smiled.  “Justin this is my sister, Kelly.  Kelly this is Justin.  And where did you meet him, and why didn’t you tell me that he was so hot,” Nate said to his sister.

“Hush, Nate, don’t be an ass.”  Kelly looked over Justin and smiled before turning to her brother.  “I met Justin here, when he got off the bus here in the big ol’ ATL, and I did tell you that I saw a hot looking guy that would be perfect for you, didn’t I?”

Justin began to feel his face heat up with the exchange he was hearing.  “I wouldn’t be so sure,” he stated.  

“Oh, nonsense.  Anyone who can help my brother see that these two, are idiots” she stated pointing to Kevin and Mike. “Would be perfect.”  As she said that the other two guys both flipped her off.  “So anywho, where are you from originally, and what are you doing here?  Do you have a boyfriend?  What’s your story,” she asked.  

Justin just looked her over like she was crazy.  She reminded him a great deal of Daphne, and he saw himself feeling at home for the first time since he had arrived.  “Sis, damn.  Give the kid a break will ya,” Nate exclaimed. 

“You hush,” she answered back hitting her brother on the arm.  “So, what’s the 411?”

Justin just shook his head in disbelief.  “Well, I’m from Pittsburgh, and I don’t currently have a boyfriend.  I guess I really just don’t need one right now,” he stated.  ‘ _I screwed up enough relationships, I don’t need to jump right into another one.’_ He hoped that she would leave the other question alone, but by the expecting look on her face he knew that he couldn’t **NOT** answer.  “I’m here for a fresh start,” he answered hoping that he could get away from any further answer.

  
Kevin looked over to Justin, and nodded in understanding.  “Parent’s kick you out?”

“Not recently,” Justin laughed.  “I’m much too old to be living with my parents.  Besides, I haven’t lived with them for over a year now.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.   When my parents found out I was gay, they kicked me out, big time,” he told Justin.  Justin could only smile in understanding.  “If it hadn’t been for the Rainbow home, I’d most likely be dead now.”

“Rainbow Home,” Justin asked.

“Yeah, it’s this place for teens go who’s parents kick them out when they find out that their kid’s gay.  We all help out there sometimes.  You know, try and help these kids feel wanted,” Kelly stated.

Justin shook his head.  “I wish they had something like that in Pittsburgh.  Granted I was lucky, I guess.  I mean, my mom was cool, but my dad,” he began slightly closing his eyes to the rush of pain that had stabbed at his heart.  “Anyway, I had a friend who took me in, so I guess I was lucky.”

Mike turned to Justin and looked at him.  “Why don’t you come with us sometime?  They could always use an extra hand.  And you seem to know what these kids are going through.”

Justin could only nod.  ‘ _Maybe I could do some good for someone.  Maybe I can start to make amends for all the shit I’ve done, and hopefully stop someone else from becoming as fucked up as I am,’_ he thought to himself.  “Why not,” he answered as the lights started to dim, and the show started.  _‘Why not.’_

*******************

** APRIL 2002 **

Justin walked up to the house that he was told about by his new friends.  It didn’t really look like much on the outside, but Justin could imagine what it would look like to someone who had just been kicked out of their home.  It would be paradise.  He stepped up to the front door and looked around.   Immediately spotting Mike standing around the corner of the house by his car, Justin moved toward where the other man was.  “Mike?”

Mike looked up at Justin and smiled.  “Hey there, come on in,” Mike told him with his hands full of bags.  “Help with this stuff will ya?”

“Sure,” Justin said as he grabbed some of the bags out of the back of Mike’s car, and followed the other man in the house.  “I can tell you, I was thinking that this place would be bigger,” Justin stated as he set the bags down on the counter in the kitchen.

Mike just shrugged.  “Yeah, well we only have really room for six kids, plus two in an emergency.  Mostly they go to the YouthPride in Decatur, but we’re looking into getting a bigger house here soon.”  Justin followed Mike through the house, and was amazed at what he saw.  It looked just like a small house, nothing too out of the ordinary.  As they walked through the house, Mike explained to Justin what it was they did there.  “We provide these kids with food, shelter, on duty counselors, and whatnot.  They are required to finish school, and look for a job.  Curfew is 11 on weekdays, and 1 on weekends.”

“God, I don’t think I could’ve ever been able to do that,” Justin cringed.  “My main rule when I was living with Debi, a friend of mine, was that I couldn’t bring tricks home after midnight.”  

  
Both men laughed slightly at that fact, as Mike shook his head.  “Yeah, well we don’t allow sexual relations here.  But hey, they’re young right?”

“This is nice.  I’m glad that there are places like this out there.  I mean if Brian and Deb hadn’t taken me in when my parents kicked me out I don’t know where I would’ve ended up,” Justin explained.  Looking through the house, he would spot teens working on homework, or doing their chores.  It looked and felt like living with Debi.  “It feels like home,” he quietly added.  “So you said that there are counselors here?”

“Yeah, they are five total, but only one is on call at all times.  It helps . . . you know to be able to talk to someone about shit.  That’s why some of us help out.  If we don’t help out here we do up at YouthPride.  We all do what we have to do.”  Mike said as the two men made their way into the back yard.  “It’s not easy being a gay teen now days.”

Justin nodded in agreement.  “You can say that again,” Justin said with a hint of sadness.  “I know it wasn’t easy for me, still isn’t.”  Justin caught Mike’s confused look and Justin just shrugged.  “I’m going to be looking into seeing someone myself.  Hopefully, I can get some help.  It doesn’t end when you grow up,” he said with a smile.  “High School can be a pain to a young gay kid.  I know.”

“I was lucky, I guess,” Mike said.  “Or unlucky however you want to think about it.  I kept to myself, never letting anyone know that I was gay.  At least no one at school.  They found out of course when my parents kicked me out, but by then I went to a different school.  I didn’t have too hard of a time.”

“I wish I could say the same.  Everyone at my school knew about me.”  Justin thought back to all of the problems he had at Saint James Academy.  “It was tough.”

Mike sat down in one of the small lawn chairs and looked at Justin.  “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Justin sat down in the chair next to Mike, and looked out across the yard.  “There was this group of guys who would always pick on me.  You know, burning my locker, pushing me down the stairs, into walls, whatever.  I didn’t think too much of it, you know, not really caring what they thought, ‘cause I knew who I was and I wasn’t ashamed of it.”  Justin looked down at his hands, thinking.  “But I was wrong,” he began.  Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes.  “I don’t remember much of it, but I do remember I invited my boyfriend, or whatever he was at the time, to Prom with me.  He showed up, and we danced one dance.  The only thing I remember of that night was him calling out to me. . .  I turned around and I remember seeing something move through the air toward me.”  Justin didn’t see Mike move closer to him, but he felt the other man’s hand on his own.  “It didn’t even register in my mind what happened, what it was.  The next thing I remember is pain, then nothing. . .at least until I woke up in the hospital almost two weeks later.”  Justin took a deep breath, and tried to smile at his new friend.  “Wow, that’s one of the first times I’ve told anyone that.”

“What do you know about what happened?  What did they tell you,” Mike asked still holding Justin’s hand.

“They, well Brian anyway, told me that Chris came up behind me with a bat, and hit me right here,” Justin said pointing to the right side of his head.  “As I said, I don’t remember much, I don’t know if I ever will, or if I even really want to.  What I do remember is enough to freak me out.”  Justin shook his head, hoping to clear the image that came to the forefront of his mind.  The movement, the pain, the sound.  He didn’t want to remember.  “I never really told anyone that.  No one wanted to talk about it, and I guess the first time I somewhat talked about it was in the comic I helped draw with a friend of Brian’s.”

Mike took a deep breath, and Justin could almost feel the sorrow coming from the man.  He didn’t want anyone’s pity, and he was about to say as much, but decided against it.  “What doesn’t break you makes you stronger,” Mike said.  

Justin just shrugged.  “I don’t know if it made me stronger really.  That’s why I’m here, actually.  I couldn’t handle it anymore so I ran away from my problems there.  Hopefully, I can come to terms with everything so that I can talk to them again.  Who knows?  I hope I can.”

Mike nodded in understanding, but Justin knew that no one could really understand what he had gone through.  Hell, he didn’t understand it really, so how could anyone else.  “I’m sure you’ll get the help you need.  In fact, Marsha – one of the counselors here – maybe able to point in the right direction.”

“I’d like that.  But of course first I need to find a job.  That’s my number one priority.  I don’t even know where to start,” Justin explained.  

“I think I maybe able to help you out with that.  Or at least Nate maybe able to help you out with that,” Justin looked up hopefully as Mike made the statement.  “Nate said you’re an artist right?”

“I try to be,” Justin stated.

“Well, you see his ol’ man worked as an artist for this firm downtown, and they are looking for some fresh talent.  Maybe you can get in for an interview,” Mike said with a smile on his face.  Justin was beyond words.  Here he was, almost a complete stranger, and these people were willing to help him out.  

There were no words to express what he was feeling at that moment.  Of course he knew that he didn’t actually have a job yet, but if they could get him in to talk to these people, he’d get the job.  Of that he had no doubt.  “Well I guess I have to talk to Nate, now don’t I,” Justin said with a smile.  For one of the first times since he had gotten here, he was feeling like things were going to work out.  _‘Just maybe, I’ll be able to do what I want to do, and heal.  We can only wait and see,’_ he thought to himself.  

*******************

** MAY 2002 **

Brian sat down on his couch in the loft with all the light off and a half drunken bottle of Jim next to him.  For the past couple of days he had ignored messages from the gang, all asking him what he was planning for today.  He wanted to tell them to all fuck off that today would’ve been a lot better if they hadn’t done what they did.  If they hadn’t shut Justin out of their lives, then Brian would be with him today.  He wouldn’t have to be alone, thinking about Justin somewhere out there by himself.  He had avoided them on his birthday, and he was hoping that everyone would just leave him alone.  He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to be cheered up, and he didn’t want them around.  The one thing that he did want he couldn’t have, so why even talk to anyone else. 

Brian was thankful that today was Saturday, ‘cause he knew that he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on anything at work.  By early evening he had talked to one person, and avoided all other calls that came in.  When he had spoken to Daphne earlier in the day, she had said that she hadn’t heard from Justin in a while, and she hoped he was alright.  Brian knew that feeling.  He hoped that Justin was alright as well, ‘cause he knew that he wasn’t.  All he could think about, all he could see in his mind was the bat coming toward Justin’s head, Justin laying on the cold cement – lifeless, and the blood.  He couldn’t get the sight of the blood out of his mind.  Every time he looked down at his hands – he saw it.  _‘No matter how many times I try to clean it off, it will never come off,_ ’ he thought with a heavy heart.  

God, he needed Justin.  He needed to know that the younger man was alright.  He needed to know that he was forgiven.  Yeah, Justin had told Brian many times that it wasn’t his fault, but today – on the anniversary of that fateful night – Brian couldn’t believe those words.  He wanted to forget the awful moment in the parking garage, and remember the good moments that night; the dance, the kiss in the garage, the promise – but he couldn’t.  Every time he tried to think of one of those moments, Justin’s face would always morph into the damaged one with blood everywhere.  

Brian reached to his side and pulled out a small box.  When he opened it, he pulled the object out of its container, and held it tightly in his hands against his face.  He could still smell Justin’s cologne on the delicate material of the silk scarf, and although the blood was now hard and dry, he could almost feel the sticky matter soaking through the material and onto his hands.  He wished that Justin could remember the good time they had that night, but he knew that it was lost.  It pained him to know that Justin only remembered the bad.  

He was lost in thoughts when he was shocked out of his ravine by the ringing of the phone.  “Fuck, Mikey,” he said as he reached for the phone ready to tell off whoever was on the phone.  Hitting the button, Brian began to let into the person on the phone.  “Look, I told all of you to leave me the fuck alone for a couple of days.”

“Brian,” came a small voice on the other end causing Brian to sit up straight on the couch.

“Justin,” he asked.  Justin was the last person he would’ve expected to hear from today.  “You okay,” he asked realizing as soon as he said it how dumb of a question it was _.  ‘Of course he’s not okay, you fuck.’_

Brain heard the slightly hesitation in Justin’s voice, and the contained sadness and fear.  “I . . .I, uh, thought I’d call and wish you a happy belated birthday.  I knew better than to call then.  I know how much you like to celebrate them, so I figured . . . uh . . .well you know.”

Brian closed his eyes to try and steel himself away from the obvious pain in Justin’s voice.  He wished that Justin had never left; Brian desperately needed to have the man there with him.  “Don’t fucking worry about that, Justin.  Fuck,” he stated slightly irritated that Justin would even mention his fucking birthday when today was the one-year anniversary of what Brian had called **_‘the day’_**.  Silently angry with himself for even getting irritated at Justin when he knew that Justin would be hurting, Brian took a deep calming breath.  “How are you?”

“Okay, I guess.  You,” he heard Justin ask.  Brian could hear that Justin was nowhere near fine, and the thought that the young man was concerned about him caused an ache in Brian’s heart. 

Brian took a deep breath, and brought his hand to the bridge of his nose.  He felt a sudden headache appearing, and he wanted to keep his head when he talked to Justin _.  ‘I can’t lose it with him.  Not now,’_ he thought.  “Justin, don’t worry about me.  I know you’re not okay.  I can hear it in your voice.  Hell no one would expect you to be alright with any of this shit.  Talk to me, please.”

Brian heard Justin sigh and sniffed.  Brian could tell that Justin was crying, and he felt the sudden urge to find Justin and hold him tightly in his arms.  He wanted to take away the pain that Justin was in, but Justin wasn’t there.  “It’s just. . .I don’t know.  God, Brian . . . I don’t know.  It’s hard, you know.  I just. . .” 

Brian heard Justin begin to break down, and it tore him up inside.  “Shhh, baby.  It’s alright, I’m here,” he whispered into the phone, knowing that it was a false hope.  Talking to Justin on the phone and being with him, Brian knew that his words were a cold comfort to them both. 

Brian continued to offer quiet soothing words to Justin allowing the younger man to calm down a little.  When he felt that Justin had calmed a little, he heard Justin continue.  “I haven’t even left the fucking room today.  I was too fucking scared.”

“Scared of what, baby,” Brian asked.  “Tell me.  What are you afraid of?”

“Everything,” he heard Justin reply.  “I don’t know. . . I guess it’s just that when I am out there it seems as if . . . I get the feeling as if Hobbs is going to come out from around a corner and finish the job.”  Brian closed his eyes, knowing that he had similar fears, but refused to tell Justin that.  He wouldn’t add to Justin’s pain.  “I know it’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not,” Brian stated.  “It’s not stupid Justin.  After what you’ve been through, no one would blame you for feeling that way.  But it will get better Justin.  You have to believe that.”

“I wish I could, Brian.  I just don’t know anymore.  I feel like it’ll never go away, that I’ll always be scared.”  Brian could tell that Justin was trying hard to keep a brave front up, but he wished that he would just let it all go.  Brian heard Justin take another deep breath to calm himself.  “You didn’t answer my question before.  How are you?”

Brian thought about lying to Justin, but figured that if it would help Justin to open up a little more, he would tell the truth.  “Just fucking fantastic,” he said sarcastically, knowing that Justin would understand the remark.

Hearing Justin laugh slightly brought a small smiled to his own lips.  “Yeah, right.”  The two men lapsed into a silence, just trying to take comfort that the other was alive.  It was a small comfort, but it was more than they had the rest of the day.  “You do know it wasn’t your fault, right?”  Brian knew he couldn’t answer that question.  _‘Even if I wasn’t responsible for what happened that night, Justin, doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for what you’re going through now,’_ he thought.  “You do know that, Brian.  Right?  You weren’t to blame for what Chris did to me.  If you hadn’t been there. . . If it hadn’t been that night, it would’ve been some other night.  Some night when you weren’t around. . .and . . . and I don’t think that I would be alive now.”  Brian closed his eyes against the wave of pain and sadness that was building deep within him.  He had believed Justin when the man had told him he wasn’t to blame, and it was enough for Brian to know that Justin didn’t blame him.  But now . . . now, Brian wasn’t too sure.  All he had to have done is listen to Justin, take care of Justin, then none of this would be happening.  Justin would be there with him now, well and strong.  “Brian please tell me you know that.  I can’t stand to think that you blame yourself for what Chris did.  It wasn’t your fault, it was mine, okay.  Not yours. . . mine,” Justin stated.

  
At Justin’s words, Brian jumped off of the couch in shock.  “What?!”  Brian couldn’t believe what he had just come out of Justin’s mouth.  “How the hell are you to blame for what that asshole did to you?  How the **FUCK** did you come up with that shit?”  Brian felt the urge to slam something into the wall, to punch something.  Brian was beyond angry.  _‘No fucking way,’_ he thought.  _‘No fucking way, am I going to let Justin take the blame for this.  Why the fuck does he think that?’_     

Then the words that Justin had told him during his outbreak before his departure came back to him.  

_ “If I hadn’t fucking jerked Chris off, if I hadn’t confronted him outside on the street, then I never would’ve been bashed.”   _

There was no way that Brian was going to let Justin blame himself for what Hobbs did to him.  “Justin, listen to me, okay.  Are you listening?”

“Yeah,” he heard the quiet reply.

“You. Are. Not. To. Blame.  Okay?  You’re not to blame for this.  Chris Hobbs was a closet case, who couldn’t stand the fact that he enjoyed getting jerked off by you.”  Brian took a deep breath.  He had to try and get Justin to see the error in his thinking.  He wouldn’t allow Justin to blame himself to this.  “It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either,” Brian heard Justin say.  Neither man said anything for a couple of minutes, just allowing each other to think about where they were at that moment.  ‘ _Why the hell are we apart, Justin?  Why did I let you get away from me?  Especially today?’_

__

__ “Boy,” Brian laughed slightly hoping to get some positive reaction out of Justin.  He wanted to hear Justin laugh.  He wanted to know that Justin would be okay.  If he couldn’t hold Justin, he wanted to at least get the younger man to smile – even if it was for a second.  “Aren’t we the fucking poster children for much needed psychiatric help.  **_‘I’m to blame’.   ‘No, I’m to blame.’_**   Fuck!”

Brian felt a smile creep upon his face as he heard what he was looking for.  Justin laughed.  “We both have always been drama queens haven’t we?”  Brian heard Justin take a deep breath and sigh.  Brian hated that sigh, he hated knowing that Justin was in pain and there was nothing he could do about it.  “God, how the hell did we get here, Brian?  Where did we go wrong?”

Brian could hear the pain and longing in Justin’s voice, and he wished he knew the answer to Justin’s questions.  “I don’t know, Justin.  I don’t know.”

“Do you think, maybe. . .” 

“I hope so.  Someday,” Brian answered knowing the question that Justin wanted to ask.  “Someday.”

*****************

** EARLY JUNE 2002 **

Brian sat at his computer at work, looking over the new campaign that had been assigned to him.  For the past couple of weeks, he had concentrated only on work.  Since he walked into the diner and threw the letters from Justin on the table at his friends, he hadn’t spoken with any of them.  He was still angry with them for what they had done, and he wanted to have an open mind when he talked to them.  Of course Mikey didn’t help by calling him twenty times a day, begging to talk to him.  

Brian knew that he should, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do that just yet.  He missed Justin.  The last time Brian had heard from the young man was the on anniversary of the bashing.  That was the day that Brian had decided that he would not give up until he found Justin, to bring him home to him.  Brian amazed himself these past two weeks however.  He had not tricked once.  He thought that Justin’s leaving would be enough to drive him to fuck anything that moved, but he just couldn’t tolerate the thought of anyone besides Justin.  _‘Now there’s a fucking first,’_ he thought.  ‘ _Brian Kinney, God’s gift to gay PA, not wanting some mindless fuck or blowjob.  What the fuck did that kid do to me?’_   Brian knew that he wasn’t mad at Justin for his current dilemma, but damned if he knew why.  

Of course it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried either.  Cause he had.  Brian had gone out the first two weeks, and found someone to entertain him.  However, it wasn’t until one night two weeks ago that he had found some young stud with a hot body, and blond hair.  It wasn’t until the man had put his mouth on Brian’s dick, that the image of Justin had reared its ugly head in his mind.  Seeing Justin’s face, smiling at him, had almost caused a physical reaction within him.  He felt sick, and his dick immediately became soft.  ‘ _Fuck_ ,’ he thought.  He had pushed the trick away, and went home.  He hadn’t been able to bring himself to try again.  He was so fucking horny that he couldn’t think straight.  

Cynthia poked her head into the office, forcing Brian from his thoughts.  “There’s a call for you on line one,” she said with a smile.

“Well who the fuck is it?  Tell them I’m busy,” he said turning back to the fuck-up of a promo in front of him.

“Okay, I’ll just tell Justin that he’ll have to call back,” she said as she turned to leave.

“Wait,” Brian yelled, glaring at her.  “I’ll take it,” he added as he watched her walk out with a smile on her face.  Once he was sure the door was closed, he picked up the phone.  “Hey,” he said.

“Hey, how’s things in the glorious Pitts,” Brian heard Justin ask.  To Brian, Justin definitely sounded better.  Of course anything sounded better than the last time he had talked to him.  He only hoped that he would be able to get some answers out of him this time.  _‘At least he’s talking to me, and not ignoring me.  At least it’s not the frantic call I got on that day.  That’s a start,’_ Brian reasoned.  

Brian was grateful that Justin had called.  He was worried when he hadn’t heard from him in so long.  He knew that Daphne hadn’t even heard from him, and that had worried Brian even more.  “Sucks as usual.  So settled in yet,” he asked.  ‘ _Take it only as far as he wants to take it_ ,’ he told himself.  _‘Don’t push, or else you’ll never hear from him again.’_ Brian decided that if Justin wanted to be friends he could do that – at least until he could convince the younger man that they belonged together.  Brian knew that they did, at least that’s what he had decided in the past two weeks.  He had never felt so alone and empty in his life, as he had these past two weeks.  

Brian heard Justin laugh, and just hearing it brought a small smile to his lips.  “Well, sorta.  I’m still staying at a small hotel, but I start my new job tomorrow, so we’ll see.  My mom’s going to be coming down next week, and we’re going to see about getting me a car. I mean, the Marta is great, but I still need a car,” Justin babbled.

Brian tried not to laugh, as he heard Justin just babble away.  It had been too long since he had heard that from the man.  Brian could only hope that it meant that Justin was doing better.  “Marta,” he asked trying to get an idea of where Justin was.

“The public transport system, silly.”

“Oh, yeah, I knew that,” Brian stated sarcastically.  He was beginning to feel comfortable with the way the conversation was going.  The way the two were conversing, it was like it had been before the bashing.  It was something that Brian had missed, and hoped that this was a sign that things were going to be okay.  “So are you going to tell me where the hell you are?”

Justin laughed earnestly.  “Okay, I’ll give you a hint, and you have to figure it out.”  Brian cringed as he heard the challenge in Justin’s voice.  _‘Please don’t let me fuck this up.  I know he’s testing me.  I just know it,’_ he thought.  “Jambalaya is always better the second day.”

_ ‘What the fuck,’ _ Brian thought.  “You’re in Louisiana?”

“Nope, try again.  Think about when I said that and WHY it was better the second day.” Brian could almost see the glint of mischief in Justin’s eye, and see the smile on his face.  

Brian sat back and began to think _.  ‘What happened during that time?  When the fuck was it again,’_ Brian asked himself as he tried to sort through their time together _.  ‘Mikey had just gotten promoted at the Big Q, right?  So what was it about that?_ ’  Suddenly it hit him.  Lindsey’s nasty phone call, the confrontation with Justin’s parents, and farther back . . . the trick he had brought home the night Justin had made them that meal.  “Fuck!  You’re in Atlanta?”

“I can say that I’m impressed, Brian.  I didn’t think you’d figure it out,” Justin praised him. 

“Why the fuck Atlanta,” he grimly asked. _‘Why the fuck way down there?  Why not somewhere closer,’_ he asked himself.  He had hoped that Justin was close enough so that he could just go and keep an eye on him on the weekends.  But Atlanta was well over fourteen hours away.  ‘ _Fuck_!’ 

“I don’t know.  It was the first bus out of Pittsburgh that I could get, Brian.  But it’s not too bad.  I mean, I wasn’t really thinking straight when I got there, and I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible,” Brian heard Justin’s voice take a slight sadness.  “When I first got here, I was so fucking scared.  God. . .Fuck, Brian.  I really should let you go,”

“Why,” he asked, not really knowing why Justin suddenly wanted to get off the phone.  All Brian knew was that he didn’t want Justin to go.  

“’Cause you’re at work, Brian.  You should be working,” Justin had told him like he was a child.

As much as Brian wanted to tell Justin to fuck work, he knew he couldn’t.  Justin was right, he really should get some of this crap done.  “Right, work,” he stated.  “Listen, how about you call me tonight.  I want to hear all about Hotlanta.”

“I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises.  I’m trying Brian, I really am.  It’s just so hard right now.  But I’ll try,” Justin said.  Brian could relate.  It was hard.  All he wanted to do was go to Justin, take him in his arms, and make everything go away, but he knew that he couldn’t.  Justin needed to do this on his own.  He needed to feel like he was an equal partner in whatever relationship that he took part in.  

Of course Brian was determined to make Justin see that the relationship he should be in was one with him, but he’d wait.  _‘Fuck, how the tables have turned.  Wasn’t it a year ago that he was the one chasing me, telling me that he loved me.  Now here I am doing the same exact thing,_ ’ he realized _.  ‘Fuck!  He got to me worse than I thought_.’  “Alright, but Justin, don’t shut us out.  We do care what happens to you, okay?”

“Okay,” he heard Justin say.  To Brian, he had sounded a little off, but then again -- with everything that the kid had been through this past couple of years -- Brian would be off too.  “I’ll talk to you later?”

“Later,” he said, then hung up the phone.  ‘ _God_ ,’ he thought.  _‘I never thought it’d be this fucking hard.’_   All Brian wanted to do was go and see for himself how Justin was.  He wanted to talk to Justin about what he had learned that night.  Brian knew that getting much work done the rest of the day was not going to happen.  Especially since he was worried about Justin.  Yes, the young man sounded alright, but then again, he had Brian believing that everything was alright for months.  Brian hated to be made a fool of, and he had made a fool of himself by believing that everything was alright.  _‘How did I expect Justin to be alright when I wasn’t alright with it?’_

Brian still could not believe what he had told Justin when he had found out about Ethan.  At the time, he had thought it had fit, but knowing what he knows now . . .Brian definitely would not have said it.  ‘ _Or would I,_ ’ he asked himself.  ‘ _They say hindsight is twenty-twenty.  If I had known that Justin hadn’t recovered fully from the bashing last year, would I have told him he was suffering from a love bashing?  Fuck, no wonder he left me,_ ’ Brian cursed.  He hated himself for being such a prick to Justin, and he secretly vowed that when he got the chance again with Justin -- if he did -- he would try harder to understand the young man.  

*****************

** JUNE 2002 **

Brian walked into Liberty Diner a week later and immediately spotted Daphne and Emmett sitting at the counter, and Ted, Michael, and Ben sitting at their usual booth.  Silently, he walked up to Daphne and kissed her on the cheek.  “Hey, Beautiful,” he said with a smile on his face.

“Stop it,” she laughed in reply.  “No not you, stupid,” she said in the phone.  “Brian . . . Yes, here’s here, you wanna talk to him?  . . . Okay, just a sec . . .”  Turning to Brian she handed him the phone.  “It’s Justin.”

Brian smiled as he grabbed her cell phone.  “What’ going on?”

“Not much, just on my lunch break, so I thought I’d call Daphne, so we could talk.  Then of course Emmett was there so I just **had** to talk to him, and now you.  So what’s up with you,” Justin asked.

“Same ol’ shit,” Brian replied.  “So you’re at work then,” he asked raising his eyebrow at Daphne.  Justin had told him he had gotten a job, but Brian never had the chance to find out any more information about it.  “Where at?”

Justin laughed over the phone, bringing a smile to Brian’s face.  Brian thanked Deb for the cup of coffee that was set in front of him, as he waited for Justin to answer.  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Daphne leaned into Brian, and whispered in his free ear.  “He works for an ad agency there, in the art department.”

“No shit,” Brian answered.  “An ad agency?”  Brian was shocked to say the least.  He thought Justin would try and stay away from a place like that after seeing what Brian went through.  

Hearing Justin’s sigh, Brian tried not to laugh.  “Yes, I work for an ad agency, in the art department.  And don’t say anything, ‘cause I’m nothing like the idiot twins that you had to deal with.  I actually have some talent.”

“I never said you didn’t,” he replied defensively.  “Trust me I would never compare you to Brad, and Bob, or whatever the fuck their names were.”

Daphne began to reach for the phone in Brian’s hands, forcing the older man to move away a little more.  “Give me the phone, before I make your extra curricular activities come to a halt,” she threatened.  “I have plans to make and you’re taking up my time.”

Brian started at her with disbelief.  “You gave me the fucking phone so you can wait your turn,” he said holding the phone above his head to keep her from getting it.  They could all hear Justin’s laughter coming from the phone.

Emmett however, grabbed the phone quickly and handed it to Daphne.  “Say good-bye Brian,” Emmett said as he handed it back to Daphne.

“Traitor,” Brian glared at Emmett.  “Bye,” he said leaning into the phone now clenched in Daphne’s hand.  Brian moved over to Emmett and leaned against the younger man.  “So what plan is this?”

Emmett looked over to Brian with excitement in his eyes.  “Well, Daphne and I are going down to see him for the Fourth of July weekend.  We have it all planned out,” Emmett stated.  “It’ll be so much fun.  Can you believe it?”

Brian felt a sudden twinge of jealousy within his gut, at Emmett’s statement.  “Really,” he said hiding his disappointment.  Justin had invited them and not him.  Brian had hoped that he would get a chance to see the young artist soon.  These past couple of weeks, hell these past couple of months, have been hard on him.  He missed Justin immensely – not that he would tell any of them that.  But he knew that Daphne and maybe even Emmett could tell.  “Well good for you.  I hope you guys have fun,” he said turning away.  He didn’t want to think about what Justin was doing down there in Atlanta _.  ‘Not what. . . who,’_ he realized.  _‘Stop it, Justin can see whoever he wants to see, he can do whatever he wants to do.  But damn why does it hurt this much that I’m not going down there with them?’_   Seeing the sympathetic look on Emmett’s face, Brian just shook his head, and began to move away from the two.

However, before he could get two steps away, he felt Daphne’s hand on his arm.  Turning to meet her eyes, he saw a small smile on her lips.  “Justin wants to know if you’d be able to come down with us,” she asked with hope in her gaze.

Brian felt a sudden wave of hope fill his being.  “I think I could get the time off,” he said, smiling.  _‘Justin wants to see me,_ ’ he realized.  Brian knew that he had wanted to see for himself how Justin was doing.  In their phone conversations \-- although few and far between -- Justin had stated that he was doing fine, but Brian had to see for himself.  It wasn’t as though he didn’t trust Justin, ‘cause he did.  It was just that he knew that Justin wouldn’t tell them if something was wrong -- well wouldn’t tell **him** if something was wrong -- for fear of hurting him.  This was Justin’s way of showing Brian that things were going okay, that he was doing better.  Brian knew that Justin understood his fears for the younger man.  Justin understood, that Brian had feelings for him and wanted to ensure that he was safe – that no harm would come to the man.  For that Brian was grateful.  He hadn’t always been able to say what he was feeling, but Justin had always been able to understand what he couldn’t say.  _‘Well at least before the bashing,_ ’ he realized.  _‘Justin just hadn’t been able to read me as well as he had before.  And I didn’t see it, didn’t realize it.’_   Knowing that he had failed to see the signs had caused Brian many sleepless nights in resent weeks.  

Brian made his way over to the others, and cleared his mind, and facial expressions.  It had taken a lot of time try and get over his anger at them, but Brian finally was able to be calm about what had happened.  Although he was still angry, he had calmed down enough so that he could try and get the answers he wanted, or at least talk to them.  “Hey,” he said as he moved in to sit by Mikey.  

  
Michael looked at him with a confused look.  “So you’re talking to us now,” he said with a hint of anger in his voice.

_ ‘Why the fuck are you pissed, Mikey,’ _ Brian thought _.  ‘You’re the one who was an ass not me.  You’re the one who butted in where you didn’t belong.’_   “Why wouldn’t I talk to you, Mikey?”

“Oh I don’t know, how about you haven’t talked to me in over a month.  I’ve tried to call you, and you ignore me.  How about that,” he asked Brian.

Brian gave Mikey a tongue in cheek look, and shook his head.  Seeing Ben place his hand on Michael’s shoulder, Brian tried not to laugh _.  ‘It won’t work, Ben,’_ he thought to the other man.  _‘Mickey’s on one of his little tantrums.  I’ve been through enough of those to know that once he gets started he won’t be finished until he’s ready._ ’  “Michael, getting upset isn’t going to accomplish anything.  Both of you are obviously upset, and maybe you two need some time alone to try and work it out.”

_ ‘Ben . . . ever the Buddhist.  Peace, love, harmony . . .  what bullshit,’ _ Brian thought.  _‘Gotta love him.’_   “Look,” Brian began, taking a sip of his coffee and looking at Michael over the rim of his cup.  “A lot of shit happened, that I don’t even want to get into right now.  Everyone was in the wrong, so what the fuck.  Why dwell in the past,” he stated calmly.  Brian figured that if he tried to make amends with everyone that it would be the best way to get the information he wanted.  He was actually still feeling angry with all of them, and he almost felt ill just sitting there with them, knowing what he knew already.  But he was smart enough to know, and knew Michael long enough to know, that if he wanted to get anywhere he had to remain calm.  It was his best bet.  “I only have one question, and then I’m over it.  We can go on with our lives as if everything is okay.”

Michael looked over at him, and nodded.  “What?”

Although Brian had a lot of questions – one in particular – he knew that he couldn’t ask all of them in front of the others.  And it would get Michael on the defensive, which Brian didn’t want.  He also didn’t want to ‘cause any more problems between Ben and Michael.  He wanted to know if Michael knew that Justin had seen them that night all those months ago, but he knew that question would have to wait.  “When did you tell Justin that I would never change,” he asked taking another sip of his coffee, and then set it down to wait for an answer.

“What?  I never said that,” Brian heard Michael explain.  Brian just gave him a look that told the other man that he didn’t believe him.  “Okay, so I might have said that to him . . . But Brian that was when he first started to hang around us.  That was over a year ago.  Why are you bringing it up now?”

Brian thought about what he had learned, and tried not to laugh.  He knew that Michael had months ago, told Justin that the only reason Brian had him at the loft was because he felt guilty about what had happened to Justin.  _‘And that almost ended badly._ ’  Brian wasn’t sure if he should believe Michael or not.  He wanted to.  He wanted to believe that Michael wouldn’t betray him like that, but he wasn’t sure anymore.  He would have to wait and see how things turned out.  “Okay, that’s all I needed to know,” Brian answered the question vaguely.  Inside however, Brian was thinking something entirely different.  _‘If I find out you’re lying Michael, it’s over.’_   “So what’s new in life?”

*****************

** JULY 2002 **

Brian walked into the loft, threw his luggage in the bedroom, and sat down on the couch.  Leaning his head against the back of the couch, Brian rubbed his face with his hands.  He had just come back from Atlanta from seeing Justin, and he had to admit to himself that hanging out with Daphne, Emmett, and Justin in Atlanta, had actually been fun.  He had spent the entire day alone with Justin on Saturday, and the two had talked a great deal about things.  However, Brian was upset that it sounded like Justin was going to be staying there in Atlanta, and not returning to Pittsburgh.  He had hoped that Justin would get better and return home, but he also knew that he couldn’t ask Justin to give up the job that he had, or the life that he was building for himself there.  Now Brian had to think of someway to get there himself.  He knew that he wouldn’t be able to stay away from Justin much longer.  Seeing Justin again – even for just a couple of days – had caused an ache deep within his heart.  _‘And in my cock,’_ he thought to himself.  ‘ _God, Justin looked so fucking hot.’_

Brian had to admit that his time in Atlanta had been good for Justin.  He looked older, more relaxed, and hotter than ever.  Brian didn’t think that he could ache for Justin more than he already did, but seeing him again, Brian knew that he was wrong.  All he had wanted to do on Saturday, when Daphne and Emmett went shopping and left the two alone, was to take Justin to his hotel and spend all day in bed.  Justin however, had other plans.  The two found themselves just walking in the various parks throughout the city, and talked – really talked.  Brian had always known that Justin was intelligent, but the he quickly found himself admiring Justin even more.  They had talked about everything from the stock market, to the latest fashion.  They were actually becoming friends, which was something that they never had before.  Never had Brian taken the time to learn about Justin’s real passions, his time growing up, everything, at least not before the break-up.  Yes, they had talked, but not about the things that Brian was discovering now.  

They hadn’t talked about that day in the loft, or anything that was mentioned that day, but Brian knew that it would take time.  They were becoming friends now, and Brian was finding himself opening up more, and telling Justin things that no one had ever known about before.  It felt good to get things out in the open, and have someone that he could share things with.  Brian knew that some of the things that he had told Justin, Michael didn’t even know.  The fact that Justin had been his lover, had actually eased the tension between them, allowing them to be open more with each other than anyone else in their lives.  There were things about Brian that he knew Michael would never understand, that Justin would.  Things with his father, that Justin understood, things in life, that only Justin could understand.  Brian was grateful.  

He only hoped that this would lead to a much deeper connection with them, so that when they got back together, it would be forever.  _‘Yes, it is when **not** if,’_ Brian told himself.  _‘I’m not going to let the miles get in my way of getting back together with him.  I’ll find a way.’_ Brian was more determined than ever before to have Justin in his life.  Justin had made the comment that Brian had changed in the past couple of months, and Brian hadn’t had the nerve to tell him why.  He hadn’t been able to tell Justin that he had changed ‘cause he had finally realized what the younger man had meant to him.  He had finally realized that he had wanted the man in his life with the doors locked.  

Justin had definitely been getting things straight in his mind during his time there.  He had even told Brian that he had been seeing a shrink to help him get over what had happened, and hopefully help him remember that night in more detail.  For that, Brian was happy.  He could tell that whatever the shrink was doing was helping the young man; ‘cause Justin seemed more like his old self than ever before.  He appeared to be more at ease.  Gone was the young man of the past year, and the young, energetic, happy man that Brian had seen under the lamppost was reemerging.  He saw Justin smile more in the past four days than he had seen in months.  _‘Now all I have to do is try and find a way to get down to Atlanta to stay.  Or get him up here,’_ Brian planned.  He had to think of some way so that he could work on Justin, and get the younger man back into his life as a partner.  

Brian had heard Vance talking about the possibility of buying out a firm in Georgia, and Brian could only hope that it was there in or near by Atlanta.  If it was, be would most definitely have to talk to Vance and try and convince the man that he had to be there.  All he had to do was come up with the best way to sell the idea to his partner.  

Brian reached over and picked up the phone.  He had promised Justin that he would call when he got in, and he knew that he wouldn’t break his promise.  _‘Not when I’m trying to get him back,’_ Brian thought.  Dialing the number, Brian sat back on the couch and kicked his feet up.  “Hello,” Justin’s voice answered.

Although it had only been hours, Brian smiled at the sound of the younger man’s voice.  “Hey,” Brian replied.  

“So, I see, you made it back okay.”  Brian rolled his eyes slightly at the obvious statement.  “When did you get in?”

Brian smiled slightly, closing his eyes, and picturing Justin sitting beside him.  “About five minutes ago.  And since I was told to call the minute I came in,” Brian said sarcastically.

“You knew what I meant, asshole,” Justin laughed.  “Don’t get smart.”

“It’s what I do best, you should know that by now.”  Brian reached into his carryon bag, and pulled out the pictures that the group had taken on the trip.  “So have you decided on the house yet?”

Brian started to glance through the pictures and smiled at the memory they invoked in his mind.  They had a great time, and he had never felt closer to Justin before.  “I think so,” he heard Justin reply.  “I mean with the job and everything, it’s not like I can just pack up and leave now, right?  I couldn’t do that to them.  So I figured that I don’t really want to spend all that money on renting a place, when I can get my own.  If I decide to sell years from now, that’s fine, but I don’t know.  Things are just too strange right now.  But I think I will.”  Brian closed his eyes from the pain he had felt at Justin’s acknowledgement _.  ‘He’s not coming home.’_   “Are you okay with that, Brian?  I mean . . . You’re not mad at me or anything ‘cause I’ve decided to stay here.”

“Justin you need to do what’s right for you,” Brian began.  As much as he hated the thought of Justin being so far away, he knew that he couldn’t deny Justin a chance to be what he wanted to be – an equal.  He would get down there to Atlanta, and he will be with Justin again.  If there was anything that Brian had learned from this trip was that Justin felt he had to prove to himself that he could make it -- that he was strong again.  Brian wasn’t going to deny him the chance.  “Have I told you how proud I am of you,” he asked.

“Not in the last couple of hours,” Justin replied.  Brian could see in his mind Justin’s face light up.  God, how he missed that already, I miss HIM.

“Well I am.”  Brian knew that he missed Justin, and from their talk during the weekend, he knew that Justin missed him.  They just needed time apart to get their own lives, their own dreams taken care of.  They both needed to grow up a little more, before they could fully commit themselves to any relationship.  In time, if they decided that they could, or wanted to have a relationship with each other, then they would be ready for that type of commitment.  Justin had told Brian that if they were to ever try again, there would be locks on the door.  It would be forever.  Brian knew that he would have to come to terms with that word, that feeling.  Forever.  It was a long time.  Of course that was what he had been finding himself wanting more and more as time went on.  He wanted Justin forever; now all he had to do was prove it to Justin.  _‘And waiting for Justin to come around, is just what I have to do,’_ he rationalized.  _‘Of course that doesn’t’ mean that it’s fucking easy.’_

Brian and Justin talked for another hour before saying their good-byes.  When Brian hung up the phone he picked up the pictures from the trip and stared at one of Justin and him.  _‘I can wait,’_ he thought knowing in his heart that it was true.  

*****************

** AUGUST 2002 **

Brian walked down the halls of Vanguard heading toward his office.  He had just left a private meeting with Vance, and now he needed to make plans.  Never before had be been so pleased with one of his private meetings, but this time was different.  Vance had just informed Brian that his plans to buy out a firm in Georgia had been going well, and that within the next month or so they would now be charge of one of the top companies in Atlanta.  Vance was also pleased with this deal because the company that he was buying out had a lot of dealings internationally, which meant a great deal more money coming in.  Brian congratulated Vance on a job well done, and was shocked when Vance had told him that he wanted Brian to head up the team there.  ‘I want someone there I can trust to do the job, Brian.  I need someone there who will keep these people on their toes, and who will help bring in the large accounts.  I need you.’  Brian tried to hide the smile that he was sure would appear.  He had just told Vance that he would be willing to relocate, and he would ensure that things are taken care of on that end.  

Inside however, Brian was ecstatic.  He was going to be in Atlanta.  He was going to be near Justin.  Things were finally looking up for the first time in months.  Reaching his office, he opened his door, and motioned Cynthia to come in for a second.  After he sat down behind his desk, he looked up to see his secretary come in and close the door.  She had a pad of paper in her hand, and Brian could only hope that she felt the same way he did.  “I was just told by Vance that we’re buying out a company in Atlanta.”

“I heard rumors, but I wasn’t sure if it was true,” she said sitting down in the chair across from her long-time boss.  “What does that have to do with you?”  
  


“I’ll be heading the team there,” he informed her looking at her.  

Brian rested his steepled hands against his lips, hoping to figure out a way to ask her.  He had never been one to openly tell someone that he needed them, but he knew that he did in fact need Cynthia.  If it hadn’t been for her, he never would’ve gotten to where he was today.  He knew this.  He also wasn’t stupid enough not to know that there really weren’t many people who could put up with him the way she did.  Brian watched as Cynthia look directly at him, as if to try and guess what was going through his mind.  She had always been good at that, despite Brian’s denial to that very fact.  It seemed like she found what she was looking for.  Nodding her head she smiled.  “So when do we leave?”

*****************

** SEPTEMBER 2002 **

Brian walked into the small café after a late night at work.  It was close to midnight, but Daphne had made him promise to meet her there so that they could talk.  The two had gotten pretty close during the past couple of months, both needing someone whom they could talk to about Justin.  The two of them worked hard to try and come up with different ways to help Justin, and lately they had talked about Brian’s move down south.  Daphne was thrilled that Brian would be there for Justin, and that this could mean that the two men could get back together.  Brian could almost see the wheels turning in her head as more and more ideas come into her mind.  He knew that she was one of his greatest allies in the ‘battle to win Justin back.’  He admired her ideas, and took them to heart.  

Just this past week, Brian had learned from Vance which company he had bought out, and that Brain would be expected to be able to leave in a month.  He had then heard from Justin that he had helped to get one of the largest international campaigns that the company had ever received.  Of course now, Brain knew that Vance had bought out the company that Justin belonged to, he also knew that what Justin had helped to do, was the deciding factor for Vance.  The thought that he would be able to see Justin everyday, pleased him to no end.  He was proud of the young artist, and knew that Justin was finally beginning to feel like Brian’s equal.  He didn’t feel that he was completely there yet, but with enough time, he would.  

Brian walked into the café, and headed over to the table that he had spotted Daphne in.  “Well don’t you look lovely,” he said as he kissed her lightly on the cheek.  As usual Brian could see the signs of a blush creeping on her face, and he just loved to tease the girl.  “So how was your day,” he asked sitting down in the chair across from her at the table.

“It wasn’t too bad.  Did Justin tell you about that account,” she said excitedly.

“I talked to him about a couple of hours ago.  He said that Nate was going to take him out to celebrate tonight,” he stated, trying to hide the jealousy out of his voice.  It wasn’t that he thought that there was anything between Nate and Justin, it was just that HE had wanted to be the one to take Justin out.  

“You don’t do jealousy well,” she said as if reading his mind.

Brian looked at her in disbelief.  “I am not jealous.”

“But you wanted to take him out,” she stated.  Brian saw her reach across the table and place her hand on top of his.  “Don’t worry, Brian.  Soon you’ll be able to take Justin out, and wine and dine him all you want.  Just remember what I said.  I don’t want to hear that either one of you screwed it up,” she threatened.  Daphne had told Brian what he needed to do to win Justin back, what Justin had told her he wanted.  Of course it was always Brian, but the smaller stuff that Brian didn’t know about, she had been sure to inform him of.  He was glad that she was there to help him out, and that she had wanted to see the two together again.  Brian knew that in order to get Justin to see that fact, he would need her help.  “Anyway, when do you leave?”

Brian took a deep breath, and smiled at her.  “I move their permanently in about a month, but I need to go down there in the next couple of days to try and set the final paperwork finished, and get things settled down there.”

“So are you going to see Justin when you’re down there?”

“We talked about it, and I don’t think that it’s really any of your business,” he said knowing that he was lying to her.  “We shall see.  It’s up to him.”

Daphne was about to say something more when they heard Brian’s cell phone ring.  Brian sat back to look at her and shrugged.  Pulling out his cell, Brian noticed that he didn’t recognize the number on the caller ID.  “Hello?”

“Is this Brain?”

“Speaking, who is this?”

“Hi, I’m Kate, do you remember me,” she asked him.  Brian remembered the young lady that Justin had befriended down there in Atlanta.  To Brian she was almost as bubbly as Daphne was.  She always seemed happy.  However, there was something about the tone of her voice that caused Brian’s gut to twist, and tighten.  Something was wrong, and he began to pray that it wasn’t what he thought it was.

“I remember.  What happened?  Is Justin okay?”  Brian knew that it had to be something with Justin, but what he didn’t know.  Brian saw Daphne lean forward to try and hear what was happening.  When he saw the question in her eyes, Brian could only shrug.

Brian heard Kate take a deep breath, trying to hold back any tears that were coming to the surface.  Her next words caused Brian’s world to collapse in on him.  His worse fears were realized, and Brian knew that he had to leave tonight. 

“There’s been an accident.  Justin’s in the hospital.”

INTERLUDE #2

_ Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play _

_ And we ride on them things like every day _

_ Big beats, hit streets, see gangsta's roamin' _

_ And parties dont stop til' eight in the mornin' _

_ \--Welcome to Atlanta by: Jermaine Dupri and Ludicris _

** WEDNESDAY JULY 3, 2002 **

Justin stood outside the gate, waiting for the doors to open so that he could get his first glimpse in months of his friends.  He hadn’t realized how much he had missed them, until that moment.  With his new job, his house hunt, his volunteer work at YouthPride, his sessions with Marsha, and everything else he was working on, he hadn’t had time to really think about much of anything.  Justin began to rock back and forth, trying to ease his tension and excitement.  _‘God, what will Brian think of me?  Will he like my new look?  What will I feel when I see him again?’_   Questions upon questions appeared in his mind, making him second – no one hundredth – guess his choice in asking them down here.  _‘Will they get along with my new friends?  Fuck, what was I thinking,’_ he thought ready to turn around and go home.

Justin was halted mid-turn by a hand on his shoulder.  “Will you fucking chill?  God, you’re worse than Kelly when she’s getting ready for a hot date,” Justin’s companion stated.  Kate was about twenty-five, five-six, slender, athletic woman who treated Justin like a kid brother.  Justin met Kate at work his first day, when he was assigned to her group.  The two got along great after they had met, and had quickly become great friends.  She reminded him of Daphne, which made Justin feel a lot better about things.  He knew that he had someone who he could talk to, and she would always listen.  Kate also would tell him often how fucked up he was, especially when she had found out about his ex-boyfriend.  “Come on, it’s not like you’re meeting the President of the United States here, they’re your friends.”

“And Brian,” Justin added looking down at his hands.  

“Now, that’s a person I just **HAVE** to meet.  If he is anything like what you described . . . god,” she breathed.  “So quit being a drama princess, and stay put.”

Justin just rolled his eyes at his friend, and took a deep breath.  “Fine,” he said turning his attention back to the gate.  As he continued to watch the gate, Justin brought his thumb up to his mouth, and started to chew on his nail.  “Fuck, what’s taking so long,” he exclaimed.

Kate grabbed a hold of his hand and pulled away from his mouth.  “Will you fucking stop already?  You’re making me nervous.”

Both turned when they started to see people exiting the gate, and Justin began to look through the crowd for a familiar face.  Immediately he spotted Emmett, and he tried not to laugh.  Emmett was dressed in a tight pink mid-drift shirt, and tight orange leather pants.  It would’ve been hard **NOT** to notice Emmett.  Directly behind him was Daphne, who looked the same as she always did.  She wore a simple short white tank-top and blue jeans, which Justin knew that if her boyfriend saw her in that tank-top, he would kill her.  However, it was Brian that caught his attention most of all _.  ‘God, he looks fucking hot,’_ Justin thought as he caught sight of his former lover.  Brian was wearing a red button down shirt which was opened to mid-chest, and extremely tight black jeans.  “Fuck,” Justin whispered.  Turning to Kate, Justin sighed.  “This is going to be harder than I thought.”

Kate looked over at the group that was heading their way, with wide eyes.  She leaned into Justin and whispered in his ear.  “That’s Brian.  Holy Fuck!  Why did you ever let him go?  Too bad he’s gay,” she stated exasperated.  

Justin just rolled his eyes, and made his way over to his friends.  Daphne was the first to reach him, and she immediately pulled him into a hug.  “Daph, I need to breathe,” Justin joked as she held tight to him.

Justin felt Daphne pull away and then a sting on his arm as she punched him.  “Asshole.”

“What did I do now,” Justin exclaimed.  “I’m an innocent party to whatever you’re thinking.”

Daphne pulled back more, and crossed her arms over her chest.  “Yeah, right.  Since when have you been innocent?”

“Before I met you,” Justin stated with a smile.  “I missed you, Daph.”  Justin pulled her into another hug, then turned to the other two who were standing there watching.  “Emmett, I’m glad you could come.”

Emmett immediately ran to Justin and pulled him into a tight hug himself, running his hands over his body as if to check for any changes.  “Oh baby, it has been so quiet without you,” the other man cried.  Emmett pulled Justin back to look at his face, then pulled him back into his arms tighter.

Justin felt as if he was going to die if Emmett didn’t let go.  He never knew that Emmett was this strong.  “Emmett, please . . . can’t breath,” he tried to get out between breaths.  Emmett let go of him and Justin tried to get air into his lungs.  “I’m missed you too, Emmett.  But damn, what is it with all of you trying to kill me?”  Justin laughed at how good it was at seeing his friends again.  He turned to Brian wondering if Brian would be the one to kill him.  “You’re not going to hold me in a death grip are you,” he asked with one of his sunshine smiles on his face.  

Brian looked at him, and opened his arms.  “Come here,” Brian stated.  Justin just walked into the awaiting arms, and sighed.  _‘God, I’ve fucking missed this,’_ he thought.  ‘ _How many times have I wanted this in the past couple of months?  How many times have I almost gotten onto the bus heading back to Pittsburgh, and Brian?’_   Justin felt Brian’s arms wrap lightly around him, but to Justin it felt like the tightest grip of all of them.  For the first time in months he finally felt completely safe.  When he felt the light pressure of Brian’s lips on the top of his head, Justin began to feel tears starting to come to his eyes.  ‘ _God, I’ve missed you Brian.’_   Justin felt Brian pull back slightly and place his hand on Justin’s chin.  “What is this,” he asked with a smile.

Justin pulled back and smiled at Brian, hoping that the other man didn’t see the tears that were threatening to come to the surface.  “It’s called a goatee, and don’t ask.  Come on, I want you guys to meet my friend,” he said taking Brian’s hand instinctively, and moved them through the crowd toward his friend.  “Guys, this is Kate.  Kate, this is Daphne, Emmett, and Brian.”

Kate held out her hand and shook each of the gang’s in return.  “Justin has told me so much about you guys that I feel like I already know you.”  Justin saw her take an appreciative look over to Brian then looked at him with a **‘are you crazy’** look that he had learned well.  Justin just returned her look with one of his own.  **‘Leave it the fuck alone, Kate,’** it said.  Kate just nodded, but Justin knew that she wasn’t going to give up on this.  “So how ‘bout we get your stuff, and get the fuck out of here?”

Justin flicked his finger at her ear, hoping to let her know that she needed to stay out of it.  “Thank god, we don’t have to stay with you for the weekend,” he said with a satisfied look on his face.  He didn’t want her trying to force an issue between him and Brian.  The last thing he needed right now was that little extra stress.  He had enough to deal with; he didn’t think he could handle anyone else trying to get them back together.  _‘If we get back together, it will be on our own terms,’_ he decided _.  ‘I’m not ready for that.  And anyway we’re like hundreds of miles away from each other, it’s not like we can be together right now.  I am so fucked._ ’

Kate turned to Daphne, and shook her head.  “I still don’t know why you guys aren’t staying at our place.  It’s a three bedroom apartment, and we have the room.”

Justin laughed, not noticing that he still held Brian’s hand in his own as they made their way toward the baggage claim.  He felt good, and calm.  He felt safe.  Brian always had that effect on him, and subconsciously he wasn’t ready to be rid of it.  “Yeah right.  I don’t think that Kelly would like it if we all stayed there especially since she has these big plans with her boyfriend.  Then where would everyone sleep?  Brian and Emmett sure as hell can’t sleep on the couch, they’re much too big for that small ass couch you have.  And why should I subject them to your little hetro love nest with your boyfriend.  I don’t think so,” he laughed.

Brian pulled on Justin’s hand forcing Justin to realize he still had a hold of it.  Silently he cursed himself for doing it.  He didn’t want to go down that path; he didn’t want to give Brian the wrong signals when he was so screwed up in the head.  But Justin knew that he couldn’t let go even if he forced to.  He had been having a hard time since Pride last weekend, and Justin needed the anchor that Brian could provide.  He needed that strength.  “Be nice,” Brian whispered in his ear.

Justin just turned to face Brian, unconsciously bringing their faces closer together.  “I am being nice,” Justin said with a smile.  “And besides,” he began as he turned back to Kate after noticing how close he was to Brian’s lips.  All he wanted to do was take Brian’s lips onto his own, but he knew he couldn’t.  ‘ _Someday,’_ he said to himself, repeating the same words that Brian had told him on the anniversary of the bashing.  “Brian had gotten us rooms at the  Georgian Terrace Hotel,” Justin said with a smug look on his face.  

Kate stopped in the middle of the walkway forcing everyone to collide into one another.  “No, shit!  Fuck!  You lucky bastard!  Can I come and visit?”

Justin just raised his eyebrows in response.  “Maybe,” he said.  

Justin saw Kate look at Brian, and sigh.  “Marry me,” she said.

Justin removed his hand from Brian’s and took a hold of Kate’s arm.  “NO!”

“But. . .”

“No,” Justin said as he continued to pull her down the hallway with the others not far behind.  “God, what is it with all my friends and them wanting Brian,” he exclaimed as he pulled her as far away from Brian as possible, as he heard everyone else laughing behind them.  Justin quickly turned around and looked directly at Brian.  “You’re not helping at all.”

*************

The gang arrived at the hotel, and made their way into their room.  Brian had reserved one of the three bedroom suites for them, and Brian could tell that Justin was grateful.  Brian began to wonder where Justin was going to sleep.  He knew where he wanted the young man to sleep, but it would be entirely up to the young man.  He wouldn’t push, but it would be nice to just hold him again – the hug at the airport was enough to make Brian want more.  Daphne just shook her head in disbelief as she moved her bag to her room.  “I still can’t believe that your mom got you a Mustang.  Especially a convertible,” she exclaimed as she moved to sit down in the common area of the suite.  

“I know, it was totally awesome.  I can tell you that its great to be able to drive down I-20 with the top down, music blaring, not a care in the world.”  Justin sat down on the couch and gave a small laugh.  “It makes you feel free, you know.  You know, like you don’t have anything holding you back.  You’ll love it,” he finished with a smile on his face.

Brian came and sat down next to Justin wanting to as close to the man as possible.  He could tell that Justin wasn’t as calm and centered as he was trying to portray, but he would have to wait to get some answers.  Justin did seem more relaxed, but Brian knew that there was something bothering him.  He wondered if it was him being there.  He hoped not, but he would have to wait and see.  The last thing he wanted to have when he talked to Justin was an audience.  He didn’t want any outside interference when he tried to win Justin back.  That’s where they went wrong before.  Everyone wanted to make things right, make things better between him and Justin, and all it had done was drive them further and further apart.  No this time, Brian was going to do it right.  He wouldn’t pressure Justin, and he wouldn’t allow anyone else to pressure him either.  “So what do you have planned for us this weekend,” he asked hoping to get some idea of when he could talk to Justin alone.

“Well, tomorrow of course we’ll go to Centennial Park for the Fourth of July festivities.  Friday, we can just go and see some sites.  But I do have something I have to do Friday, so you’ll have to fend for yourselves for a little while,” he stated.  

Brian could tell that Justin was holding something back, and he needed to know what.  He watched Justin closely as he asked, and watched as the young man’s eyes move to his hands.  “Well, I have to see Marsha,” he said earning a look from Brian.  “She’s my shrink,” he said as explanation.

That got everyone’s attention, and Brian could see Justin withdraw slightly when questions came rushing at him from Emmett and Daphne.  The last thing that Brian wanted was for Justin to shut them out now.  “Enough from the peanut gallery,” he said glaring at the two parties on the other side of the room.  

“She just feels that a week is too long between sessions, and she wanted to make sure that I was okay with all of you down here,” Justin said as he stood to walk over to the window overlooking the city.  Brian gave Daphne and Emmett a look that told them that they were in trouble, and if they opened their mouth again he would ‘cause them serious pain.  

Brian moved from the couch and walked over to Justin by the window.  Placing his hands on Justin’s shoulders, he pulled the young man against his chest hoping to calm him some.  After a minute he felt Justin began to relax against him, and Brian was glad that his touch still calmed the younger man.  “I’m sure we can entertain ourselves for a while,” Brian said trying to get Justin to calm even more.

Justin turned in his arms, and gave him a grateful smile.  Brian let him go as they moved back to the couch.  “Actually she wants to meet all of you.  I guess she wants to hear what you guys know about what happened.  She thinks it could help her better understand how to help me come to terms with everything.”

Brian grabbed a hold of Justin’s hand and held it in his own.  “Is that what you want?”

Justin just shrugged and held tightly onto Brian’s hand.  “Yeah, sure.  I mean talking to her has helped, but it seems as if we’ve hit like a roadblock.  Since I don’t really know what happened, I don’t remember, she figures that talking to the three of you she might get an idea.”  Brian closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath.  He hadn’t talked about what happened since he was trying to get Justin to remember.  _‘Well not counting our phone call a couple of months ago, but that wasn’t really talking about it._ ’  Brian felt Justin’s eyes drilling into him.  “But I told her that it would be up to you guys.  I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with.  I mean, I can understand if you don’t want to do this.  I won’t be mad or upset.”

Brian squeezed Justin’s hand a little tighter, thankful that Justin was trying to ease his pain and guilt.  What Brian didn’t want Justin to see was the anger that Justin didn’t think that he would do anything to help him, even if it meant that he would have to talk about it.  “Why not?  If it’ll help, I’m in,” he said taking a look at the other two and getting an agreement from both.  

The room fell silent with everyone lost in their own thoughts until Daphne stood up and stretched.  “Well we have a big day tomorrow, and I need my beauty sleep,” she said as he went over and gave Justin a hug.  “Night.”

“Night,” Brian replied noticing that Emmett quickly followed suit and headed to his room.  Brian turned to face Justin who was sitting there staring at the fall wall.  “You looked tired,” he said taking a close look at Justin.  For the first time since he had seen Justin that day, he noticed the small bags under Justin’s eyes, and tired look about him.  ‘ _He’s learned to guard himself from everyone.  He doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s feeling,’_ Brian thought sadly.  _‘He’s becoming like me.  Fuck!  At least he feels he doesn’t have to hide from me.  I guess that’s a plus._ ’

Justin stretched, and rolled his neck hoping to ease the tension that Brian knew was there.  “It’s been a busy week.  With Pride last week, and you guys’ visit, then there was work, and everything else . . . I guess I haven’t been sleeping well.”

Brian leaned his back against the side armrest of the couch and pulled Justin to him.  Gently he began to massage the muscles of Justin’s shoulders and neck.  Brian could feel the tightness there and began to knead the tight muscles, hoping to relax Justin enough so that the young man could sleep.  “You’re as stiff as a board,” he said as he felt Justin give in to his ministrations.  “Relax,” he breathed against Justin’s ear.  

He noticed Justin’s head dip forward with his eyes closed.  “That feels good,” he said in a quiet voice that brought a smile to Brian’s face.  

Brian noticed Justin begin to nod off, and decided that he wasn’t ready to get up and lose contact with him yet.  “Sleep, I’m right here.  I won’t let you go,” he breathed into Justin’s ear as he felt the young man begin to fall into a deep sleep.  Brian pulled Justin closer against him, and wrapped his arms around him so that they could lay back on the couch.  Brian didn’t want to move, so he just placed his head against Justin’s and closed his own eyes.  “I won’t let you go,” he said as sleep over took him.  

*************

** THURSDAY JULY 4, 2002 **

Brian opened his eyes to see Emmett and Daphne looking at him from the kitchen area.  He glanced down and saw the top of Justin’s head.  Sometime during the night Justin had curled up to him on his side to rest his head under Brian’s chin, and lay his arm over Brian’s chest.  It was a comfortable position for the two of them.  _‘Except this damn couch isn’t made to sleep in,’_ Brian thought.  Looking over at the two in the kitchen he gave them a small smile.  “What time is it,” he asked quietly, not wanting to wake Justin up yet.  The kid was exhausted, and Brian knew that Justin needed his sleep.  

“Almost nine,” Emmett said as he brought Brian a cup of coffee.  “Should we wake him up?  He looks so peaceful,” Emmett asked him.

Brian set his cup down on one of the side tables, careful not to wake Justin.  Lightly he began to run his finger behind Justin’s ear, hoping not to startle him.  Brian felt Justin slap his hand away in his sleep, but Brian just went back to the same spot.  “Justin,” he whispered in Justin’s ear as the other man once again tried to hit his hand.

“Noo,” he heard Justin groan as the young man’s head buried itself deeper in Brian’s chest.  “Go away.”

“Time to wake up sleepyhead,” Brian said as he continued to tickle Justin’s ear.  

“Too early . . . tired . . . sleep,” came the jumbled reply from the head deep in Brian’s chest.

“Justin,” Brian repeated.  He looked up at Daphne and Emmett, and spotted their amused looks.  Brian just rolled his eyes, as he continued to try and wake Justin up.  _‘God, this kid can sleep though anything.’_ “Justin, get up.  I think my dick is asleep,” he whispered in Justin’s ear.

Brian felt Justin’s hand glide down his stomach, and cup his cock causing Brian to bite the inside of his lip to keep from making any noise.  “Nope,” Justin mumbled as he began to lightly stoke Brian through his jeans.  “It’s wide awake,” he heard Justin laugh.  Brian pushed Justin up to a sitting position which caused Justin to cry out.  “No,” he groaned.  “Asshole.”

Brian leaned into Justin, and lightly kissed his neck.  “Do that again, and I’ll show you just how awake it is,” he whispered seductively in Justin’s ear, then making sure to give it a little lick as he moved away.  Justin had buried his face in his hands, and leaned forward on the couch.  Brian tried not to laugh at Justin’s obvious discomfort at being woken up.  “Trying to wake you up has always been a challenge, Sunshine,” Brian said as he reached back to get his coffee.  “Fuck, I don’t think I can move.  This couch was not made for people my size.”

Justin looked over at Brian, and gave him an evil look.  “I’m just not a morning person,” Justin said.

“No shit,” both Brian and Daphne replied.  

Justin stuck his tongue out at the two, and stood up.  Brian tried not to laugh as Justin had a hard time trying to get to the kitchen.  “I’m not awake yet, and already I’m getting picked on.  Fuck, see if I ever invite you guys back down here.”

“Oh quit with the drama queen performance, already,” Brian said taking a sip of his coffee.  “How the hell do you make it to work everyday?”

“My car has autopilot,” Justin laughed as he got himself a cup of coffee.  Brian could relate to the auto piloted car _.  ‘Hell how many times have I gotten to work and couldn’t remember how I got there?’_  “What time is it?”

“Nine,” Daphne said as she grabbed a bagel out of the basket of food that evidentially she had order that morning.  Brian wasn’t sure who did, but he was grateful that there was something there.  

Brian knew that Justin just wasn’t awake without food, coffee, and a possible blow-job in the morning.  Brian had to hide his smile at his last thought before anyone saw it.  Unfortunately, he had been caught.  “What are you smiling about,” Justin asked him as he sat down next to him with coffee and a bagel in his hand.  

Brian just looked at Justin and smiled.  “Nothing.  Nothing at all.”  Brian could tell that Justin didn’t believe him, so he just shrugged.  “So let’s get ready to go to this little shindig, shall we?”

*************

As night came across the city, the four sat near the center of the park on a blanket that Justin had brought.  Brian was laying on his back, looking up at the sky, while the others just sat around him, talking.  Justin was trying to resist the urge to curl up beside Brian to watch the fireworks display.  Justin tapped Brian with his foot, hoping to get his attention.  “You’re not asleep are you?”

Brian looked up at Justin and rolled his eyes.  “No, just waiting for this thing to start.”  Justin tried not to laugh as Brian reached over and began to tickle his side.  Justin felt himself being pulled down on the ground as Brian continued his assault on Justin’s side.  

“Stop.  Brian,” Justin tried to get out as he tried to breath.  Brian rolled on top of Justin as he continued his assault, pinning Justin to the ground.  Justin tried to fight him off, but Brian was too heavy, and had the right leverage over him.  “Daph, Emmett . . . Help!”  Justin could see out of the corner of his eye, Daphne and Emmett just sitting there laughing at this display before them.  “Brian get off,” Justin began between breaths.  He knew that the only way to get Brian off of him – at least he hoped it still would – would be to get him onto something else.  “Have you gained weight ‘cause you weigh a ton.”

Justin felt Brian stop, and he breathed a sigh of relief.  _‘Finally_ ,’ he thought.  But his victory was short lived, as Brian placed his forehead against Justin’s he ground their hips together.  Not knowing what Brian was planning on doing, Justin looked in his eyes for some sign.  Brian leaned into him, and Justin began to close his eyes instinctively waiting for a kiss.  A kiss that never happened.  Justin felt Brian’s breath by his ear, and he felt a sudden burst of fear.  It wasn’t as if he was afraid of Brian, ‘cause he knew that Brian would never hurt him, it was a good type of fear that always went along with some of their most memorable moments.  “You really are asking for it aren’t you, Justin?”  Justin opened his eyes to see Brian looking down at him. When Brian leaned back down, Justin felt Brian run his tongue across behind his ear, causing a suddenly reaction in his groin.  “Maybe someone needs a little lesson,” Justin felt Brian whisper in his ear.  Before Justin could react, he felt Brian roll off of him, and move away.  

Justin felt a sudden emptiness at the loss, and closed his eyes briefly to recompose himself.  _‘Fuck!  I’m am so screwed,’_ he thought as he took a deep breath.  Sitting up he looked over at Brian, and just shook his head.  All he wanted to do at that moment was leave and get Brian into bed.  He wanted to feel Brian’s lean body as it hovered over him, feel Brian’s lips as they ran across his body, feel Brian’s mouth on his cock, feel Brian buried deep inside him.  He wanted it all at that moment, but he knew he couldn’t.  _‘Stop it, Justin,_ ’ he thought to himself. _‘You left him, remember.  You broke his heart, you hurt him.  Don’t start down a path that you know you can’t continue on.  You can’t hurt him again,’_ he told himself.  “Asshole,” Justin told Brian, hoping that it would show Brian that he was okay with their little display, but to also know that he wasn’t ready.  The two had always been able to communicate what they weren’t saying with looks – something that had been lost the last few months of their relationship – but Justin had hoped it was still there.  

When Brian nodded, Justin knew that he understood what he was saying.  As the two man looked at each other, they started to hear an announcement that the show was starting.  Brian leaned back down on the grass, and pulled Justin to him.  Justin placed his head on Brian’s shoulder as they began to watch the show, taking comfort in each other’s presence.

*************

** FRIDAY JULY 5, 2002 **

Justin opened his eyes, and quickly closed them again silently cursing at whoever left the blinds open the night before.  Deciding that he had to get up, he began to roll out of bed, but stopped as his mind began to process the things around him.  He glanced over to the other side of the bed, and quickly placed his head in his hands.  _‘Fuck, that’s twice I’ve slept in his arms,’_ he thought.  _‘No wonder I’ve been able to sleep through the night.’_   Justin climbed out of bed, realizing that he was still fully clothed, and made his way out of the room.  ‘ _Don’t get used to it, Taylor.  He’ll be gone soon, and you’ll be left with the nightmares once again,’_ he ordered himself.  For the past couple of months he had been suffering from nightmares, as memories of the night of the prom came back to him _.  ‘But now that Brian’s here, holding me, they’re gone.  Fuck!_ ’  Justin didn’t want to get too comfortable in Brian’s presence.  He didn’t want to have to rely on Brian that way.  He knew that Brian would be gone in a couple of days, and he would be stuck with the aftermath once again.  He would be alone. 

Justin walked out into the common area, and quietly closed the door to Brian’s room.  As he walked up to the kitchen he spotted Daphne sitting in one of the chairs at the small table.  “Morning,” she said, causing Justin to nod in reply.  “So when are we going to do this thing with . . . Martha?”

Justin laughed, “Marsha.  Close though.”  Justin reached into the small refrigerator and began to pull out things for breakfast.  “I don’t know, she said for me to call her this morning so that we could figure out a time.  She’s the back-up today at the Rainbow home, so it’s not like she had anywhere to go.  But I was thinking that we could do it somewhat early, that way while she’s talking to one, the rest of us can look around then switch off.  That and if we get done soon enough, then we can do everything that you guys wanted to do.”  Justin began to fix breakfast, as Daphne started a pot of coffee.  “I know you said you wanted to go to the Martin Luther King History Center and the zoo.  Emmett wanted to the Underground, and the Coca-Cola factory, Brian who knows what he wants to do.  I know we won’t get it all in, but we can get some of it in.”

“Hey we have time, and it’s not like we can’t come back down here you know,” she said as she watched him fix breakfast.

“I know.  And next time you come down, I just may have my own place,” he said with a smile.

“No shit!?  That is so cool.”

“I know,” Justin said.  “I found this house in Alpharetta that is just awesome.  I’m thinking I may get it.”

Justin caught the disbelief in Daphne’s face.  “So you’re really going to be staying here then?”

Justin hated the hurt tone that she had, but he didn’t know what to do.  Justin walked up so that he could face her, and hold her hand.  “I can’t just leave now, Daph.  I got this great job, I’m starting a life here for me,” he said.  “If I didn’t have the job, then I’d move back up there when the time was right, but I can’t.  I won’t.”

Daphne just nodded in understanding, and Justin gave her a small smile.  “I’m happy for you,” she said as she pulled him in a hug.  “Hey who knows when I finish school, I just move down here with you.”

“That would be so cool,” Justin said. 

“What would be so cool,” they heard a voice say from the living room.  Turning they saw Brian standing there looking at them.

“Justin’s found a house he wants to buy,” Daphne said.  

Justin caught a flash of pain in Brian’s eyes, which he quickly covered up.  Justin faked a smile, before turning back to breakfast.  “Hungry,” he asked Brian.  

“Yeah,” he heard Brian say from behind him.  He hadn’t even noticed the other man come into the kitchen.  “So you found a house?”

Justin closed his eyes briefly, hating that once again he had caused Brian pain.  “Yeah.  With the job and everything. . .”

Brian placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder stopping any explanation.  “You don’t have to explain, Justin.  I think it’s great.”  Although Brian sounded like he was okay with it, Justin could hear the underlying pain.  “So when do we meet Marsha?”

*************

Brian sat down on the couch with Marsha across from him.  Justin had been asked to sit in on these sessions so that nothing was said that he didn’t want said.  While the two where here, Brian had asked Emmett to take Daphne to some of the shops nearby to keep the two busy.  Brian looked toward the other end of the couch, and saw Justin.  He had sat through Daphne’s and Emmett’s sessions, and he was looking a little worse for wear.  Brian hated to see Justin looking so frail, especially since he had looked strong the past two days.  “So what do you want to know,” Brian had asked the woman across from him.

Marsha was about Brian’s age, but she didn’t look like any shrink he had ever met.  ‘ _It must be from her working at the place Justin was telling us about,’_ Brian thought.  She was wearing blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt.  _‘Definitely not the type of shrink I know about_.’  

“Well, Justin tells me that you were there when it all happened?”  Brian only nodded.  ‘ _Fuck, this isn’t going to be easy.’_   “I want to hear what happened, if I can.”

Brian took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.  _‘I can’t do this.  I can’t go through this again_ ,’ he thought to himself.  However, before he could put anything into words, Justin had stood up form the couch.  “Listen, you already know what happened.  Don’t do this.  Brian doesn’t need to tell you what you already know.”  Brian just looked up at Justin as he faced off with his shrink.

“Justin we talked about this,” she began.

“Yeah, we did.  But I told you to not go there.”

Brain could see the uncontrolled fury in Justin’s eyes, the uncontrolled fear, and it scared him.  He had never seen Justin so out of control, more so than the night he had left.  “Justin,” Brian began grabbing a hold of his hand.  Justin just pulled his hand away and walked to the window.

Justin took a deep breath, and turned to Marsha – his eyes pleading with her.  “Please, don’t.  Brian had been through enough.  He doesn’t have to do this.  I asked you not to,” he pleaded with her.

Brain looked between the two, and made his decision.  Standing, he made his way over to Justin and wrapped his arms around the young man’s waist, pulling him toward him.  “Justin.  Its’ okay.”

Justin turned around to face Brain, and Brain could see the tears that were streaming down his face.  “No, it’s not.  I know you don’t like to talk about it.  I know what it did to you to tell me, I don’t want you to have to go through that again.”

Brian leaned down to capture Justin’s lips, and kissed him lightly.  “It’s okay.  Maybe it can help me to,” he informed Justin as he pulled away.  Justin just looked up into Brain’s eyes, and then placed his head on Brian’s shoulder.  Brian turned his head to look at Marsha.  “What do you want to know,” he asked as he held Justin close to him.  

Marsha just looked at the two seeing their obvious love for one another, and Brian didn’t care who knew about it.  Brian was in pain, not because he would have to relive the worst moment in his life, but because of the pain it was causing Justin.  “I know about the actual event, but there are something that we’re not sure of.  Things, which I think that only you can tell us.”

Brian felt Justin grip tighter at his shirt, holding on as if Brain was his only means of survival.  “What things?”

“Justin’s been having dreams.  However, we’re not sure if they are dreams – nightmares – or memories.  I was hoping that you could tell us.”

Brain looked down at Justin, and lightly placed a kiss on the top of his head.  “How about we sit back down?  My back is still killing me from sleeping on the couch the other night,” Brain said in hopes to get a reaction out of Justin.  Justin just gave him a small nod, so Brain lead the two over to the couch and sat back down.  Once there, Brian pulled Justin into his arms, and held him tightly against his chest.  “What things?”

For the next half hour, Brian was shocked at what Justin had remembered about that night, but was angry at the actual items.  Justin had yet to remember any of the good things from that night, only the bad.  “So you’re telling me that he’s remembering things like the parking garage, the ride to the hospital, and things while he was in a coma, but nothing else?”  Brian looked down at Justin, noting that the young man had not moved from his spot on Brian’s chest.  “So when will he remember something positive form that night?”

“I don’t know, but we’re working on it.  I think that right now, the parts that want to be released are the unpleasant memories.  The ones that NEED to be released.  Once we can deal with those, then the ‘good ones’ as you say can come out.”  Brain looked over at the woman like she was crazy.  “No one understands the way the mind works, Brain, and I can’t even begin to explain why things are happening this way.  But because of the seriousness of the injury that Justin had sustained, these memories were never processed properly, at least that’s what is believed.  They never had time to take hold, to be dealt with.  They need to be dealt with, or Justin will never get better.”  Marsha walked over to the two men, and placed a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  She gave a small smile to Brian as she rubbed Justin’s back.  “But that’s just my guess,” she said with a smile.  “Don’t worry, we’ll get it all sorted out, and I’ll help him heal.  I promise you.  It won’t be tomorrow, or maybe not even next year.”

Marsha looked at Brian, offering an explanation for what was going on.  “PTSD is a disease.  One that can be debilitating.  Justin needs to understand what happened, and he needs to recognize and accept the impact of the traumatic event.  He’s already taking steps to improve things for himself, he’s working on trying to get on with his life.  Justin’s problem is that because of the amnesia, he can’t fully recognize and accept the event.  That is what is hindering his healing.  That’s why the dreams that he’s been having for the past six months or so have been traumatic for him.  That’s why he had been attacking things, people.”

Brain sat there stunned at what he had just been told. “Six months,” he asked, immediately feeling Justin stiffen beside him _.  ‘Six months,’_ Brian thought.  ‘ _We were still together then.  Right around the time that he started working on the comic book.  Fuck!’_   Realization hit Brain as he began to run his hands across Justin’s back hoping to calm the younger man.  _‘I didn’t even fucking see it.’_

“I do understand that he didn’t feel that he could talk to anyone there about these dreams, and I’m not blaming anyone.  Everyone is affected by an incident such as this.  However, part of healing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to talk about it.”  Brian sat back and listened.  Although he had been reading up on the subject for the past couple of months, he still had to hear it from her.  He had to know how he could help Justin, since he had failed thus far.  “A survivor of this type of event needs to have a support group or person.  Someone who can help the person feel less alone, feel supported or understood, or to receive concrete help with a problem that they may have.”

“What will the outcome of all of this be?  Will he be . . . cured of sorts . . . I guess that’s what I’m looking for,” Brain asked trying to understand what Justin is going through, and what he will go through.  

“Justin unfortunately will never get over it.  PTSD is permanent.  It doesn’t go away.  However, with the proper support system, among other things, Justin will eventually be able to handle it better.  He will always have some level of reaction to memories, but this is normal and reflects a normal body and mind. Healing may mean fewer and less intense reactions. But it also means greater ability to manage trauma-related emotions, and greater confidence in ability to cope.”  Marsha continued to explain to him.  “I can tell you, I’ll do everything I can to try and get to that point.”

Brain could only nod his thanks as he continued to hold Justin tightly against him.  He never wanted to let Justin go.  Marsha said her good-byes, and told Justin to try and see her the next week, then left the two men alone.  Brian cursed himself for not seeing the signs.  He had been so busy with work, and everything else that he had not taken a closer look at what was happening right in front of his face.  Now he knew why Justin had looked tired to him, and Brian decided that Emmett and Daphne would just have to fend for themselves today.  Brian was going to allow Justin to catch up on some sleep, since it had appeared to Brain that Justin was sleeping better when he was in Brian’s arms.  Brian knew that he was able to sleep better himself if Justin was there with him.  He only hoped that he could return the favor.  

*************

When Emmett and Daphne had returned to the room, Brian explained to the both of them what was going on, and told them what he had planned for the following day.  He was going to get Justin to open up to him, and in order to do that, he needed to be alone with Justin.  They all knew that Justin didn’t feel right with opening up with them all around, and it appeared that he was willing to let his guard down with Brian.  Something that he hadn’t allowed himself in months.  With a plan in mind, Brian walked back into his room, and pulled Justin against him.  _‘Sleep Justin.  No nightmares tonight.’_

*************

** SATURDAY JULY 6, 2002 **

After leaving Emmett and Daphne at the hotel, Brian and Justin made their way through the city.  Walking down the busy sidewalk, Brian held tightly to Justin’s hand as they maneuvered their way through the crowd.  Justin had told Brian that he wanted to show him this spot that he goes to when he needs to relax.  With sketchbook in hand, Justin lead the way toward the park located somewhere in the city.  Brian had no idea where they were going, but seeing Justin excited, and happy was well worth any amount of discomfort that he may experience.  When the two had awoken this morning, Justin thanked him for being there for him the day before, and for helping him out.  Brian could only tell Justin that he wouldn’t be anywhere else.  It appeared to Brian that they had gone back in time.  Justin appeared to be afraid of physical contact except the occasional hug, or holding of hands.  Brian decided that if Justin wasn’t ready for more, then he could wait – no matter how much certain parts of his anatomy wanted more.  Justin needed to know that he could talk to Brain, and if they added sex back into the equation, Brian wasn’t sure if Justin would be able to open up.  

The two reached Piedmont Park, and walked over to a small hill and sat down beneath a tree.  “I come here a lot, just to thing.  It helps to just clear your mind of all that shit, get away form the city, in a way, and relax.  It’s not much, but it helps,” Justin explained as he stared out across the field.  

Brian sat and watched Justin’s profile as the younger man stared out at the landscape.  With each deep breath that Justin took, Brian could see the stress leave Justin’s body, leaving the carefree man he knew from over a year ago.  He knew that Justin was only trying to push the thoughts away, instead of dealing with them, but Brian figured that Justin needed a break once in a while form the pain of living in that time.  “How often do you get down here,” Brian asked as he leaned back against the tree.

“Not often enough,” Justin said as he leaned back onto Brain.  “I get the chance to come here maybe once every other week.  The rest of the time I’m just too busy.”

“I know all about being too busy,” Brian said with a smile on his face.  “I thought that being a partner would mean less work, but fuck!”

Brian saw Justin turn to him, and smile. “Busier than ever huh?”

“Yeah,” Brian answered shaking his head.  “Of course who would’ve ever thought that I would be where I am today?”  

Justin leaned his head against Brian’s shoulder, as Brain wrapped his arm around Justin.  “I guess your parents didn’t think you would get this far,” he hesitantly stated.

Brian slightly laughed at the craziness of that question.  “No, they sure as hell didn’t.  Dear ol’ dad only cared ‘cause I gave him money.  Mom, well we all know what dear ol’ Joanie thinks about me.  And Claire . . . she’s worthless.  No they were just happy to get me out of their lives, and I was all to please to give it to them.”

Justin held onto Brian tighter, and Brain was grateful to have the contact.  Justin was offering support for him, he was offering to keep Brian grounded from the memories of his past.  Brian realized however, that for some reason, he didn’t feel the same loneliness that he normally feels when he talks about the people who raised him.  He didn’t feel the same anger at the whole situation _.  ‘Maybe it is Justin.  Maybe it’s his strength,_ ’ Brian thought.  Whatever it was, be was glad that Justin was there.  ‘ _Not that I’ll get all in depth about that shit, but at least something can come out.  Maybe I can let him know that he’s not alone.  I know he’s taught me that.’_   “What has Vance been making you do?”

Brian shook his head.  ‘ _He knows when to back off too.  What did I do to deserve him?’_   “What hasn’t he made me do?  I’m still doing all the same shit that I was doing before making partner, but now I just have all the added administrative shit.  I can’t tell you the last time I actually got home at a reasonable fucking hour.”

Justin laughed against his chest, causing Brian to poke him lightly in the ribs.  “Ow,” Justin said as he pulled away slightly.  Shaking his head, Justin placed his head back on Brian’s shoulder.  “I guess this means that the men of Pittsburgh just have to wait until the weekend,” he laughed.  Brian just shook his head.  “I wonder if they can file a protest with Vance.  I wonder if they can get Mickey to file one of his petitions if they can tell Vance that you are an interracial part of everyday living on Liberty Avenue, and your presence is needed for the survival of every gay man in the city,” Justin continued to laugh.  

Brian pushed Justin down on the ground and hovered over him.  “You think you’re funny do you?”  Justin just tried to calm his laughter, but having a hard time.  Brian just rubbed his finger across his lower lip, as he looked down at Justin.  “Remember what I told you two days ago,” he asked watching as Justin’s eyes got wide.

“You wouldn’t,” Justin dared.  

Brian could only smile down upon Justin, then began to tickle him into submission.  As Justin continued to squirm beneath him, Brian thought how nice it was to hear laughter from the younger man.  “Say it,” he said as he continued to tickle Justin.  

“Never!”

“Say it.”

“I’ll never surrender,” Justin laughed. 

“Okay you asked for it,” Brian stated as he began to take his attack to the next level.  Brian slowly began to move his hands toward some of Justin’s most ticklish spots.  Places that only Brian knew about.

Brian could see recognition in Justin’s eyes, as he looked down at the man, grinning.  “You wouldn’t. . . Brian!”

Brian continued his assault, waiting for the younger man to say that he gave up. 

*************

** SUNDAY JULY 7, 2002 **

Justin stood at the gate, as they waited for the plane to begin boarding.  He hated that they were leaving, and he wished that he could go with them, but knew that for now, this was the best way.  He wasn’t anywhere close to being healed, and until that time came, he would have to stay away.  He needed to be stronger before he could face that place again.  When the boarding announcement came, Justin stood and hugged Emmett.  “Thanks for coming.”

Emmett pulled back and placed his hands on the side of Justin’s face.  “Like I would’ve been anywhere else.”

“Take care of Ted okay, and I’ll talk to you later,” Justin said as Emmett kissed him on the cheek.

“See you later, Sweetie,” Emmett said as he turned to board the plane with tears in his eyes.  

Justin then stepped in front of Daphne, and gave her a hug.  “Take care of yourself, okay?  Don’t let Rick treat you like shit,” he told her.  “Call me.”

“Same goes for you.  Don’t worry, I think I’ll be down here sooner than you think,” she said as she pulled back and began to walk toward the gate.  

Justin just stood there looking at the remaining of the trio, and smiled.  Brian wrapped his arms around Justin and lightly kissed him on the lips.  Pulling away, Justin smiled up at Brian.  “Thanks, for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Justin.  I wanted to help.  I told you that.  I want to help,” Brian stated.  Justin felt better knowing that Brian was there for him despite everything he had put the other man through.  “Just call me if you need anything.  Even if it’s just to talk.  Okay.”

“Promise,” Justin replied.  “You better go, or else they’ll leave without you.”  Brian gave Justin one more kiss, then began to step back.  “Call me the minute you get in, okay?”

Brian just winked at Justin, then turned to head to the gate. Before he was able to disappear through the door, the turned around.  “Later,” he said.

Justin smiled back at Brian.  “Later.”

 


	3. III

****

** INTERLUDE #3 **

_ Well if you just close your eyes _

_ and just imagine everything’s alright _

_ but do not hide your tears _

_ ‘cause they were sent to wash away those tears. _

_ Baby we can wash away those years. _

_ Wash Away Those Years -- Creed  _

# 

“Jennifer, it’s Brian.”

“Brian?  Is everything alright?  Is Justin okay?”

“I just got a call from Kate, in Atlanta, and she said that there’s been an accident.”

“Accident?  Oh my god. . . Justin?  Is he alright?  What happened?”

“I don’t have all the details, but from what I was told it’s serious.”

“What happened, Brian?”

“Kate said that Justin was driving down the highway with Nate.  She said they were coming to pick her up.  All she knows is that their car was hit by a drunk driver, and . . . the car hit the median . . . I don’t know much else.”

“Oh my god.  I need to get down there.  Thank-you Brian . . . for telling me.”

“I’m getting a private jet to fly down there.  I’ll pick you and Molly up on my way.  Daphne said she’d meet us there.”

“You don’t have to do that, Brian . . .I’m sure. . .”

“The earliest flight to Atlanta is ten in the morning, and it’ll take longer than that to drive down there.  So I’ll pick you up in an hour.”

“Thank-you, Brian . . . Molly and I will be ready.”

****************

“Brian you promised.  Mel and I have made plans.  We were counting on you.”

“Listen, I know I promised that I’d take him this weekend, but something came up that I have to take care of.”

“What could be so important?  Bri?  I just think that with you leaving that it would be nice to spend sometime with your son.”

“You think that if I had a choice I wouldn’t be there.  I’m not that fucking cold, Lindsey!”

“Bri, I know that.  I’m sorry, I know you want to spend time with Gus, it’s just that you’re leaving soon, and . . .”

“Lindz, listen.  Justin’s been in an accident and I have . . .”

“What?  Is he alright?”

“I don’t know.  I won’t know anything until I get there.  I’m packing as we speak, as a matter of fact.”

“Do you know what happened?”  
  


“Not really.  Look I can’t talk right now, I have to get my ass on a plane in about forty minutes, and I still have to pick up Jennifer.  Can you do something for me?”

“Anything.”

“Call the others let them know.  Let them know I’ll call and tell you guys know what’s going on.  I just don’t have time right now to call everyone.”

“Bri, calm down. I’m sure that Justin’s fine.  He’s strong.”

“Fuck. . . I know he’s strong, Lindz.  It’s just. . .”

“You still love him.”

“Yeah.  Yeah, I do.  I just didn’t think that I would, you know.  After everything that’s happened . . .fuck he has the worst fucking luck of anyone I know.”

“I’m sure he’ll be alright.  You have to believe that.”

“I’m trying.  I really am.  He’s just been through so much, Lindz.  What more can he take?  I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through this again.”

“Brian, you are strong enough.  You have to believe that you are.  You can do this.  You will do this . . . for Justin.  I know you – remember.  I know you’ll do anything for him.  I have faith in you.”

“I just think about what happened and I . . . it could’ve been me Lindz.”

“What could’ve been you?”

“He was hit by a drunk driver.  And all I can think about is all the times I drove myself home – drunk, or stoned – and it fucking makes me sick.”

“Bri, listen to me, okay.  You would never purposely hurt Justin.  I know that.”

“That doesn’t matter, Lindz.  The fact is, I know that I have done some stupid shit in my life, and I realize that I could have . . . Fuck, Lindz.  I could’ve been the one driving the car that hit him.”

“But you didn’t.  You weren’t the one, Brian.”

“But I could’ve!  I could’ve driven my jeep -- thinking as I always do that I can do it -- and who knows what would happen.  What if it was Gus?”

“It wasn’t, Bri.  You need to settle down.  Getting yourself worked up won’t help him.  Don’t worry about anything here, we’ll take care of it.  Just get down there to Atlanta, and see what you can do.  Okay?”

“Christ, Lindz.  I can’t lose him now.  Not now.”

“Don’t think like that.  You don’t know for sure what happened, or how he is doing.  Just take a deep breath, finish packing, get on that plane, and be there for him.”

“Thanks, Lindz.  I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this.”

“You will.  If you need anything . . . you know that you can call me.  No matter what time of the day it is.”

“Thanks, Lindz.”

“Take care of yourself, and Justin.  I love you Brian.  Don’t forget that.”

“How the hell could I?”

“Call me, as soon as you hear something.”

***************

“Vic, I’m so glad that someone is there.”

“Lindsey?  Is everything alright?  Is it Gus?

“No, no.  Gus is fine.  But it’s Brian.”

“Brian?  What’s wrong with Brian?  . . . Hold on a sec. . . No, it’s Lindsey. . . I don’t know what she wants yet, that’s what I’m trying to find out. . . Alright, don’t get your panties in a knot.”

“Lindsey, what’s going on?  What did Brian do this time?”

“Deb, Brian didn’t do anything.  He just called me and wanted you all to know that he’s leaving town tonight. . .”

“Tonight?  What the hell is he doing leaving tonight.  He wasn’t supposed to leave for another week or so.  What’s going on?”

“He told me that he got a call.  Justin. . .”

“Sunshine?”

“Brian said that Justin was in an accident.”

“What?!  What happened?  Is he okay?  Shit, I better get my things. . . Vic start packing a bag, we’re going to see, Sunshine.”

“Deb. . . Deb!”

“What?”

“Brian is leaving in less than fifteen minutes to pick up Jennifer, and they are heading down there.   He promised to call us just as soon as he knows something.”

“Does he know how bad it is?”  
  


“If he does he’s not saying.  I think he just wants to see for himself.  I don’t know, Deb, but he did say he’ll let us all know.”

“Well let me just throw some things into a bag and meet him at the airport.”

“Deb, I don’t think that right now would be the time for all of us to head down there.  At least until we know more of what’s going on.”  
  


“But Sunshine is hurt.  Who knows what happened.”

“I know, and I want to go too . . .but I think that for right now, until we get the call from Brian we should just wait.  There’s not point for everyone to head down there, if he’s fine.  Justin wouldn’t want us to put our lives aside for him.”

“Dammit, I hate it when you’re right.  But I don’t have to like it.  How did Brian sound?”

“He’s confused, and naturally upset. But he’s fine, and he’ll be there for Justin.”

“I always knew those two belonged together.  If they hadn’t broken up then none of this would’ve happened.  Justin would be here where he belongs and not off in some god forsaken city halfway across the goddamn country.”

“I don’t know what really happened with the break-up between the two.  I do know that more went on then we know.  What I’m not sure.”

“Well Brian better get there and bring Sunshine back.  Or at least him back in his life.  He’s been fucking miserable without the kid.”

“I know, and I know that Brian wants to try, but it isn’t up to him.  Justin has to decide that for himself, but right now we don’t even know what’s going on with Justin.  I just hope he’s alright.”

“Brian told you something about what happened to Justin didn’t he?  What happened Lindsey?”

“As I said I’m not sure.  All I was able to get out of him was that it was a drunk driver, or at least that’s what I gather.”

“Sweet Jesus.”

“As I said I don’t know what really happened.  But when we hear from Brian, whoever hears from him first we’ll let the others know.”

“Who else knows?”

“I called Ted and Emmett right before I called you.  I haven’t been able to reach Michael yet.”

“I’ll call him.  You just wait by that phone and let me know as soon as we hear something.”

“I will.”

***************

“Ma, do you have any idea what time it is?”

“Of course I do, but this is important.”

“Okay, okay.  Jeez!  Just a second, let me move to the other phone okay? . . . Ben can you hang up that extension?  Thanks.  Okay, ma what’s going on?”

“I just got a call from Lindsey, and she told me that Brian’s headed down to Atlanta. . .”  
  


“What!?  Ma, Brian’s not going down there for another week.  What would he be doing going down there now?  It doesn’t make any sense.  Why didn’t he call me?”

“Michael Charles Novotny, that is enough out of you.  Can I finish what I was going to say, or do you want to just guess, and be miserable?”

“Go ahead, Ma.”

“Okay, anyway as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.”

“Ma!”

“Anyway, Brian said that he got a call saying that Justin had been in an accident.  He’s gone down there to see what’s going on.”

“What happened to Justin?”

“I’m not sure.  Hell, all I was able to get out of Lindsey was what little she had been able to get out of Brian.  So believe me, it’s not a lot.”

“So?”

“From what we DO know, Justin was in a car accident.  From what Lindsey could gather, it appears that it was a drunk driver.”

“Fuck.  So what are we going to do?  Brian will need us, so will Justin.”

“Well right now, from what I know – Brian and Jennifer are on their way down there.  I was told that once they know something . . .we’ll know something.  Besides that. . .”

“So what are we going to do?  WE can’t just sit here.  There has to be something.”

“We can do what Brian asked, and wait for his call.  That’s what we can do.”

“I don’t like it.”

“Well you don’t have to like it.  It’s what we were asked to do.  Believe you me, I want to be on that plane right now going down there, but. . .”

“I know, Ma.  I know.  But I’m sure that Justin will be okay.  I mean look at what he’s gone through this past year.  He’s tough.  He’ll get through this.”

“I hope so, sweetie.”

***************

“The jet is waiting, and ready for us.  They’ll take us straight to Atlanta, where I’ve got a car waiting for us to take us to the hospital.  The rooms however at the hotel won’t be ready until tomorrow, but . . . never mind it is tomorrow. . .fu. . . they’ll be ready for us after noon today.”

“You thought of everything.  But Brian, you know that you don’t have to do all of this.  I can take care of it, I can pay for some of this.   I can take care of Molly and myself, and Daphne.  Just take care of what you need to take care of.  Don’t worry about us.”

“It’s no problem.  It’s easier to just make the plans for everyone, and worry about the rest later.  I’ll take care of it, you just worry about taking care of Justin.  I’ll take care of everything else.”

“You don’t have to do that.  We’ll be fine.  I just don’t feel right about you paying for everything.”

“Jennifer, I don’t give a damn about the money.  Justin is my number one concern right now, and that’s what important.  Not the money.”

“I know you still care about him, that you still . . . love him . . . and I’m . . . I’m glad that he has you.  I know that I may not have always been supportive of your . . . relationship with my son, but I do know that he loves you, and you take care of him.  I don’t know where he would be if you weren’t there for him.  If you hadn’t been there for him.”

“He might have been better off.”

“I don’t think so.  You are the reason he is here today. . . Don’t give me that look, as I said I know that I haven’t always been supportive of your relationship, but I see now that I was wrong.  I regret the things I have said and done to you in the past.  I was wrong.  But I do know – now – that you have always done what was best for him.  More so than Craig or I have done.”

“Yeah, well Craig lost out.  Justin’s a good kid, with a big heart.  His father doesn’t know what he’s missing.  And I can tell you if that man ever gets near Justin again . . . I won’t be held responsible for what I might do.”

“I wish that Craig could be more understanding.  I just don’t know what’s gotten into him.  The two had always been close . . .so close.  When I saw Justin that night – before he left – I knew that Craig would do something.  I just didn’t think . . . I didn’t even realize that he had felt that way about it. All I could think of was all of the good times they had before we found out that Justin was . . . gay.  I never realized that Craig would do something like that.”

“What happened that night?  Justin didn’t tell me all of it . . . only . . .”

“That Craig had told him that Justin was dead to him?”

“Yeah.”

“Craig had told me that he didn’t want Justin around Molly.  Of course we have been fighting over that issue for a number of months.  He said that because of Justin, I have become a disgrace to the family and Justin is ‘going around like it’s alright to be who – what – he is’.  Craig told Justin that he had left the family, that he should’ve stayed away from us.”

“Did he say something about what happened at Prom?  All Justin told me was that his father had wished that Hobbs had . . . he didn’t even finish that thought.  He just said that he was dead to his father.  What the fuck did he say to Justin exactly?”

“Craig . . . I don’t know really.  He told Justin that – and these are his words not mine – that when Justin had left the family with that ‘monster’ – in Craig’s eyes, he had died that day.  Craig blamed Justin for everything that happened to the family since his coming out, and he went on to say that . . .God . . . sorry it’s just hard to think about.”

“It’s okay.  I just need to know.”

“Craig told Justin that he was sorry that Justin got hurt.  However, he said that Chris Hobbs would’ve done us all a favor if he had just finished the job.”

“That fucking. . . I mean my father was an asshole, but. . . Fuck.”

“I tried to talk to Justin, I tried to get him away from Craig and talk to him, but he just ran off.  I’m glad he went to you.  At least he had somewhere he could go.”

“He didn’t really come to me.  I found him.  But that’s beside the point.  It’s in the past.  All we can do is be there for him now.  We’ll deal with Craig Taylor at a later date.”

“Brian, I don’t want you to get into trouble.  Don’t do anything to Craig.  Justin wouldn’t want you to do anything.  He wouldn’t want you to get into trouble because of Craig.”  
  


“Mr. Taylor will sit down one of these days and have a little chat with me.  You can count on that.”

“Brian.  Please, for Justin.”

“I can’t make that promise.  Besides I can’t worry about that now.  Justin needs all of you there with him now.”

“He needs you.  Now more than ever.  He still loves you.”

“I know.  I know.  I love him too.”

“Then tell him.  Tell him what you feel about him.  ‘Cause I’m telling you, Brian, he needs to know.”

** PART 4a: Breathe – Inhale **

_ In a way I know my heart is waking up _

_ As all the walls come tumbling down _

_ Closer than I've ever felt before _

_ And I know, and you know _

_ There's no need for words right now _

_ Breathe– Faith Hill _

Brian quickly parked the car at the hospital that Kate had told him, and immediately ran in through the double doors with the others not far behind.  He ran up to the nurse’s station, and impatiently waited for him to be acknowledged.  By the time the others caught up with him, the nurse looked up from her computer, and smiled.  Brian didn’t even try to be courteous and greet her in a similar fashion.  “We’re here for Justin Taylor.”

The nurse looked over at Brian and then to Jennifer and Daphne, trying to get some understanding of who these people were.  “Relation?”

Brian felt like he wanted to reach across the desk and rip the nurse’s throat out, but Jennifer placed her hand on his arm, and stepped forward.  “I’m his mother.  Can you please tell us what’s going on?  We just came all the way from Pittsburgh.”

The nurse smiled at Jennifer briefly, glancing quickly away from the threatening look that the man in the group was giving her.  Brian didn’t care if she was afraid of him.  He still remembered the time when a stupid nurse wouldn’t let Mel back with Gus.  If anyone tried to stop him from getting to Justin, they would have to arrest him for assault.  Brian watched as the lady picked up the phone and called someone, then turned around to take a closer look around the place.  Immediately he spotted a familiar face, and ran to her.  “Kate?”

Kate ran to Brian and immediately wrapped her arms around him.  Brian held her tightly hoping to stop the sudden chill that had wrapped around him at the site of being in a hospital again.  Pulling back he looked at her face, and saw that it was streaked with tears.  Fear began to creep up further in Brian’s chest.  _‘God, no.  Please, no,’_ he prayed.  “Brian, thank god you’re here.”

“What’s going on?  What happened,” he asked as he led her toward on of the nearby chairs.  As he took his own seat beside the young woman, he heard the nurse tell Jennifer that the doctor would be out to talk to them shortly.

“Nate wanted to take Justin out to celebrate, and I told them that I just had to go,” she began through her tears.  “They decided to take Nate’s car, but Nate had already had some to drink so Justin drove.  They were coming to pick me up, when . . . when this creep came plowing down the road toward them. . . Oh god, Brian you should see the car. . .”

Brian tried not to let the tears fall down his face as he gently pulled the woman toward him.  He looked up to see Jenn, Molly, and Daphne standing close by wanting to hear what happened.  “Shhh.  It’s okay.  What happened?  Do you know?”

Kate just nodded her head in response, as Brian began to caress the back of her neck.  “Nate didn’t make it. . .” she cried.  Brian felt everything stop as she said the words.  If Nate hadn’t made it, what happened to Justin?  Brian knew that Justin would be devastated to learn of his friend’s death, but he silently hoped that Justin would be okay.  “He, Nate, had too many injuries, they said. . . I’m not sure about Justin yet.  I know . . . they said something about a leg and head injury,” she informed him.  The words **HEAD INJURY** caused Brian to halt all movement.  What would it mean for Justin to have two head injuries in such a short period of time?  Could he survive that?  If he did what would he be like?  _‘FUCK!  Why?  Why?’_   Brian wanted to punch something, but knew that he had to first find out how serious the injury was.  “I don’t know much else.  I’m sorry.”

Brian closed his eyes briefly and nodded.  Rolling his lips into his mouth, he tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to come to the surface.  He wouldn’t lose it now – not now.  “Ms. Taylor,” asked a young looking man in hospital grubs as he approached the group.  

Jennifer looked over at the man, and held out her hand _.  ‘I guess all of that time in the country club takes over at the strangest of times,_ ’ Brian thought.  He was amazed at how cool Jennifer seemed to be, when he felt like his whole world had started to crash in on him.  “I’m Ms. Taylor.”

“My name is Doctor Jamison, I treated your son when he was brought in,” he stated as he shook her hand.

“What’s wrong with my son?  Is he alright?”

Doctor Jamison held out his arm, wanting us to follow him.  “Why don’t we go into my office and I’ll fill you in on your son’s condition.”

Jennifer stood there and looked at the doctor, just nodding her head.  “These are very close friends of the family,” she said as explanation to the doctor’s look as they all began to follow him to his office.  Once inside Brian knew he wouldn’t be able to sit down, so he stood by the door and leaned against the wall.  “Now, please tell me how my son is.”

“Ms. Taylor, your son has suffered some major injuries as a result of the accident.  He has some minor cuts and abrasions from glass, but those we can deal with easily.  However there are two injuries that your son has sustained that are causes for alarm.”  Brian began to feel his anger at the doctor rise.  All he wanted was for the man to get to the point, and it seemed to Brian that it was taking forever.  “First off, Justin’s right leg was literally crushed in the impact, which has caused multiple open fractures to his lower right tibia.”  The doctor went over to the wall and turned on the light showing them an x-ray.  Brian looked closely at the x-ray, which he could only guess was Justin’s leg, and he began to feel sick.  The bones looked like they had been broken in at least three different places.  “Now as you can see here, the bone is severely damaged.”  _‘No, shit_ ,’ Brian thought.  _‘This guy is the master of under statement_.  “The other problem arises in which the bone is also no longer attached to the knee.  There is tissue damage, and ligament damage to the knee itself.”

Brian watched as Jennifer placed her head in her hands, trying to understand what the man was telling them. Brian was almost afraid to ask, and was grateful that he didn’t have to.  “What can be done?  Will he ever walk again,” Jenn asked the doctor.

“We believe that we can save the leg, and won’t have to amputate.  However, Justin will have to have multiple surgeries to repair the damage.  We will have to reconstruct the entire lower leg.  We do this by placing metal rods in the bone to try and stabilize it.  We want to try and stay away from a procedure which is called  External fixators .  This is a frame that we attach to the outside of the leg to try and stabilize it.  However, we will keep as an open option.  We will also have to try and remove the damaged tissue from his knee, and repair the ligaments.  This whole process will be long, and painful for Justin.  But we are hopeful that he will be able to walk again.  However, as I said it will be a long time before he can, and I cannot guarantee that he will ever be able to walk without assistance,” the doctor continued to explain to the group.  Brian was grateful that he was trying to tell them Justin’s injuries in a way that they could understand.  He knew that there would be no way that he would be able to put up with someone who tried to talk down to them, who would not tell them what was wrong.  Brian didn’t want to try and translate what everything meant.  He just wanted to know what was wrong.  

“And the other injury,” Brian asked trying to remain calm, but failing.  As he stood there against the wall, he continued to clench his fists into tight balls.  The more the doctor spoke of Justin’s injuries, the more Brian wanted to hurt someone.  

The doctor looked over at Brian, and sat back down in the chair behind his desk.  “I understand that Justin sustained a serious head injury a little over a year ago, Mr.?”

“Kinney, and yes Justin was bashed in the head with a baseball bat,” Brian said unpleasantly.  “So I guess you could call that a serious injury.”  Brian wasn’t about to be kind to the man before him.  He could tell that the doctor was hiding something, and until Brian knew exactly what was wrong with Justin he wouldn’t be kind.  _‘To hell with niceties.’_

“During the accident, it appears as if Justin’s head collided with the steering wheel,” the doctor began.

Brian saw Daphne lean forward in her chair and look shocked at what she was hearing.  “But what about airbags?”

“The car was an older model, one before airbags were standard in cars,” he explained.  Brian once again clenched his fists hoping to avoid pounding the doctor upside the head and causing his own head injury.  “Justin has a slight skull fracture on the right side of his head.  From Justin’s medical records we do know that that section of the skull is not as strong as the other sections, thereby causing a slight fracture.  However, we have also been able to determine that he is suffering from  Extradural hemorrhaging.  We have located the hemorrhage, and we have done a perforation to the area.  He is in ICU under heavy supervision.”

“In other words you drilled a hole in his head,” Brian hissed.  He was beginning to feel ill. 

“In order to relieve the pressure, and the fluid build up, yes,” the doctor explained. 

“Is he awake,” Jennifer asked the doctor in a weak voice.  Brian could tell that she was remembering the time in the hospital after the bashing as much as he was.  

“No.  I’m sorry but Justin has slipped into a coma.”

Brian closed his eyes, not wanting to hear anymore.  “FUCK!”  Brian leaned into the wall and allowed himself to slide down so that he could sit.  Placing his head in his hands, he shut out everything around him.  He didn’t want to hear anymore.  He couldn’t.  Justin was once again in danger, he was back where he was a little over a year ago.  Brian could almost smell the blood on his hands, and see Justin’s blood flowing onto the ground.  He felt his world come crashing in on him.  He felt like he was dying inside, and there was nothing anyone could do.  Brian hadn’t felt like this since the last time he had heard words similar to what had just been told to him.  Brian felt a sudden urge to call Michael.  He was drowning, and the only one beside Justin who could help him was Michael.  

Brian felt a hand on his shoulder, trying to bring him out of his self-imposed trance.  “Brian, the doctor said that we can see him now,” Jennifer said in a soft voice.  

Brian could only nod in response and slowly stand.  Upon standing, Brian felt his legs weaken, and he had to place his hand on the wall to steady himself.  “I’ll meet you there, I need some air,” he said as he quickly made his way out of the room.  He felt the walls closing in, and he was suffocating.  He walked past the nurse’s station, and out the front door.  Quickly finding the smoking area on the side of the building, Brian moved to sit down.  He couldn’t fucking breathe each breath felt like it was burning a hole in his chest.  As he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, he felt his hand shake so much that he knew it would be almost impossible to get one out of the pack.  He decided to give a try, but after numerous attempts, he threw the offensive object on the ground. “Fuck!”  Brian needed Michael.  He needed someone to help ground him, like Michael did after Prom.  _‘But Mickey’s too far away.  Who’s going to help me now?’_

“Let me help you with that,” came a voice behind him.  Brian didn’t even look up as the person moved to sit beside him on the curb, and reach for the pack of cigarettes.  Before he knew it he saw one being placed in his hand.  “Do you mind,” the person asked him.  Brian just shook his head, not really caring what the person was talking about, or what he just agreed to.  All he knew was that Justin was laying in a bed inside, once again fighting for his life.  “You know this is a standing joke between Justin and I,” at the sound of Justin’s name, Brian’s head snapped up to see who was beside him.  Sitting next to him was one of the last people he would’ve thought would be there.  ‘ _But then again, I shouldn’t be too surprised.  Justin has a way to get people around him to be very loyal.  No matter who it is.’_   “We always tell each other that smoking is bad for us, that we should really stop.  That it’ll kill us.  Then what do we do, we turn right around and both light up.”

Brian smiled at the woman sitting beside him, and knew that Justin had gotten to her, no matter what anyone would say about the fact.  “If you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing here?  Don’t they have some rule against shrinks spending so much time with their patients?”

Marsha shrugged, taking a deep breath of smoke.  “Fuck if I care.  Justin maybe my patient, but I do care.  When I got the call, I knew I had to be here.”   Brian saw her turn to face him, and he saw trusting eyes staring at him.  “And not only for Justin, but if I can help everyone else. . . That and I care.  I care what happens to him.  I don’t want anything to happen to him.”

“I’m glad he has friends like you,” Brian said as he brought the cigarette up to his lips with a shaky hand.  He silently cursed himself for allowing his hand to shake.  He had to be strong, but somehow his body wasn’t cooperating.  “You know about Nate,” he asked trying to get his mind off of what was waiting for him inside.  He wasn’t ready to face that yet, he didn’t want to face that yet . . . not yet – maybe not ever.

Marsha nodded as she looked down at the ground.  “Yeah, Kelly’s a mess.  As is Kate for that matter.  I know that in my profession, I shouldn’t get attached to people who are my patients -- or my co-workers really.  But I always knew I wasn’t like the others – I just couldn’t let someone get away from me.  Like Justin, when I make friends – I make them for life.  There are certain people who just have a way of finding their way right into your heart, not matter what you try to do to stop it from happening it does.  Justin and Nate were like that.  Both of them are very persistent, they knew what they wanted and to hell with anyone who stood in their way.”

“I know what you mean,” Brian said with a small smile.  “Did he tell you our story?”

Marsha nodded slightly with a smile on her face.  “He told me that you had tried and tried to push him away, but he just kept coming back.  He knew what he wanted and he wasn’t going to let anyone – especially you – stop him.”  Marsha leaned back on her arms in the middle of the sidewalk and looked up at the sky.  “He told me that every time you had pushed him away, every time that you had tried to get him out of your life – it would make him more determined.  He would stop at nothing to get what he wanted – and what he wanted was Brian Kinney.”

Brian shook his head, and leaned back as well with a small smile on his face.  Marsha had a way to make him forget the pain of the situation that lay ahead, and make him realize what was important.  She was reminding him of all the reasons why he needed to be here, and all the reasons why he loved Justin.  “He told me early on – right after that first night – that he loved me.  I told him then that I didn’t believe in love, that I only believed in fucking.  Little did I know how wrong I was.  He said he wanted me.  Me!  Hell the age difference didn’t even matter to him.  Then a year later, Deb pointed out to me that I did love Justin.  No matter how much I wanted to deny it, no matter how much I didn’t want to – how much I knew he deserved better – I had fallen.”

“And he loves you.  I shouldn’t tell you this, but he told me about Ethan, and how he was so confused.  He said that all he wanted and still wants is you.”  Marsha sat up and placed her hand on Brian’s arm forcing him to look at her.  “He loves you, and he’s going to need all of us right now.  He’ll come out of this, and he’ll need you there for him.”  
  


“I know,” Brian said as he looked up at the sky.  “No matter what I may think about how much better he would be if he never met me, I know that he needs me to help him get through this.”  Brian took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.  “I talked to him not TWO HOURS before for this.  Two fucking hours.  He seemed fine, happy.  I should’ve known that something was going to happen.  I guess I should feel lucky that I had two hours.  At the Prom, I had maybe twenty seconds.”

Brian felt Marsha’s hand on his arm, calming him.  “Let me tell you something – give you some advice.  You need to let him know when you’re hurting, let him know when he’s doing something wrong.  Don’t let him get away with things that he wouldn’t otherwise.  He’ll test you, he’ll try and push you away – don’t let him.  He thinks that you’re too good for him, and with this injury it’ll be one hundred times worse.  He doesn’t want to be a bother to you anymore – at least that’s the way he sees it.  Don’t let him get away with it.”  Marsha was looking directly into Brian’s eyes, drilling her point into him.  “He’s going to have more problems now than before.  He had reached a critical point in his therapy with me before this.  I’m afraid of what this will do.  I believe that he will try to shut down again.  He will try and go back to where he was before we started our sessions.  He will shut down again, and I don’t want to allow him to do that.  If we allow him to sink back into that hole, I’m afraid we’ll never be able to bring him back.  Please promise that you’ll help me with this.  I hate to see him go back to that.  I hate to lose a bright young man like that.”

Brian sat up and placed his head in his hands, thinking about what he was being told.  He knew that he couldn’t let Justin fall back into the person he was a year ago.  He couldn’t allow Justin to shut him out.  Brian didn’t think he could go through that again.  He couldn’t lose Justin again.  “Hell, he’ll get so sick of me by the time he gets out of here.  I promise, but I can’t do it alone,” he said the last part looking right at her.  “I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with this alone.  I’ll need help.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of support right there with you.  And remember Brian.  If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here.  I can’t tell you what Justin has said. . . okay so I already broke that rule tonight – but I won’t again,” she said waving her finger in his face.  “But I will be there for you if you need to talk.”

Brian nodded his thanks, then began to stand.  He glanced toward the door, and closed his eyes.  “I should head in there.”

“Take your time.  No one will fault you for taking your time, Brian.  No one,” she said as she stood and began to walk back into the hospital leaving Brian alone to gather the strength he needed.   _‘Thank-you,’_ he thought _.  ‘Thank-you for keeping me afloat.’_

*****************

Brian walked into the ICU, and immediately spotted Jennifer standing outside a room on his left.  He walked up to her, and placed his hand on her shoulder.  “You okay,” he asked in a quiet voice.  

Jennifer just nodded, and gave him a small smile.  “It’s not as bad as it looks,” she said to him.  “Daphne’s in there now, but you should go in.  I think that it would help him to know that you’re here.”

Brian moved to sit down in a chair next to a sleeping Molly.  “Do you want me to call the hotel and see if we can get in earlier?  Molly looks exhausted.”

Jennifer walked over to stand by her sleeping daughter, and ran her hand through the young girl’s hair.  “I tried to get her to lay down in a room the nurse told me about, but she told me that she needed to be here for Justin.  She’s just as stubborn as Justin.”

Brian smiled and leaned his head back to rest against the wall.  “I wonder where they get it from,” he said as he looked directly at her.

Jenn smiled for the first time that night, and shook her head.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I am not stubborn.”

“Yeah right.”  Brian looked up as he saw Daphne come out of the room, and immediately noticed that she was about to fall over.  He walked up to her and pulled her into his arms.  “Shhh,” he said as he allowed her to cry on his shoulder.  _‘Fuck, I knew I should’ve changed after work.  Tears on Armani just doesn’t work,’_ he thought with a sigh.  He knew that he had to think of things that were insignificant as that so that his mind didn’t wander to the last time he was in the hospital waiting on Justin to wake up.  He had to keep his mind on helping Justin, and not on his own pain.  If he thought about that, if he thought about how much it hurt and unfair it was, he wouldn’t be any help to anyone.  He would fail once again.  _‘And I’ve failed Justin enough.  Marsha’s right, he’ll try to push us all away.  I can’t let that happen.  I have to be strong for him, ‘cause he can’t do it himself.’_ “He’s strong.  He’ll be fine.”

Daphne pulled away and wiped her face, then moved to wipe the tears from his jacket.  “I hope I didn’t ruin your jacket, ‘cause I sure as hell can’t buy you a new one,” she joked through a sad smile.  

“Don’t worry I’ll take it out of your paycheck,” he lightly joked back.

“What for the next one hundred years,” she answered back.  Brian only shrugged as he watched her move to sit down in the chair that he had just vacated.  “Why is this happening?  Hasn’t he been through enough?  Why?”

Brian kneeled down in front of her and took her hands into his own.  “Fuck if I know.  But he’s strong, he’ll get through this.  He has to.  I won’t lose him now,” he said trying to reign in his emotions.  He couldn’t lose it now.  He wanted to be strong when he walked into that room.  “We’ll be there for him.  Hell, if I could lock him up in a fucking room, and never let him out, I would.  But I know I can’t.  We’ll make sure he makes it out of this, I promise.”

Daphne gave his hands a squeeze, and smiled at him.  “I know we will.  You’re right, he’ll get out of this, and be as annoying as ever.  It’s just so unfair.”

“Life isn’t meant to be fair.  We always are tested, and I guess someone felt that we weren’t done yet with our little test.  Granted when I find out who that is, I kick them square in the ass,” he joked as he placed his head on their joined hands.  He needed to gather his strength in order to get up and move his feet toward that door.  

Brian felt arms wrap around him from behind, and he began to feel himself slip.  “Don’t try to be strong for us, Brian.  Allow yourself to feel the pain, to be sad, to cry.  We will all need to count on each other and each other’s strength when he wakes up.  Now . . . now is the time to let it all out, so that we can be strong for Justin.  Don’t hold it in.  Please.  We need you to be there,” he heard Jennifer’s gentle voice quietly behind him.  Brian began to feel the tears surfacing from behind his eyes, and didn’t stop them from falling.  “Go in there.  Be with him.  Let him know that you’re there – that you love him.  Let yourself mourn, let yourself cry, do what you need to do to let go.  Don’t hold back for us, or for Justin.  You’re allowed to hurt; you’re allowed to be sad.  No one will think badly upon you.  It shows that you care, that you love him.  Let us help each other.  Please.”  Brian could only nod in thanks as he attempted to take deep breaths, hoping to get some air in his lungs.  “Go.  Justin needs you – more than he needs any of us.”  Brian felt Jennifer reach around to pull his face to look at her.  “He needs YOU.  Love my son, take care of him, let him know that you’re there.”

Brian couldn’t talk through the lump he felt choking him, so he grabbed a hold of her and wrapped his arms around her in thanks.  She had given him the best gift that he had ever received in his life, the best thing that anyone had ever granted him – permission to be with her son, to love him.  Brian let go of her, and stood.  Taking a deep breath, he forced his feet to move toward the door leading into the room that held his love.

**************

Brian opened the door and looked around the small room.  He could hear the sounds of the heart monitor, and the breathing machine, as he made his way toward the sheet that had been placed around Justin’s bed.  Briefly he wondered if Daphne had pulled the sheet around the bed in order to give him time to regroup, and he found himself grateful for the consideration.  He knew that if he had walked in and saw Justin immediately, he would’ve lost his nerve.  Brian took a deep breath, closed his eyes, then reached for the sheet, and stepped into the enclosed space.  When he opened his eyes, he immediately felt weak – sick.  He had to sit down before he fell down.  Brian found a chair near the bed, and fell into it, placing his head in his hands.  He couldn’t breathe.  Even with his eyes closed and covered, he couldn’t get the sight of Justin out of his head.  Once he felt a little more in control, he opened his eyes, and reached out with his hand to touch Justin’s own.  

Justin was laying in the middle of a bright white bed, looking peaceful, and very pale.  Justin was surrounded by machines, and IV bags -- everyone connected to various portions of his body.   Brian noticed the large bandage around Justin’s head, with spots of blood soaking though the white material.  Justin’s leg was heavily bandaged as well, and appeared to be ten times the size that it originally was.  Justin’s beautiful blue eyes were closed and surrounded by blackness, which showed the seriousness of his injury.  A tube was inserted into his mouth, and Brian believed down his throat, helping him to breathe  

Brian placed his head on the mattress beside their joined hands, and allowed the tears to fall.  He hated to see Justin so frail, so lifeless.  Justin had always been the strong one; he had always been the brave one.  And now, Brian tried to picture that man in his mind so that he could wipe out the scene before him – the scene of a weak, and battered man.  Brian looked up into Justin’s pale face, and reached out a hand to gently carress a section of untouched, unscathed skin on his cheek.  Gently, he stood, lightly placing a kiss on the area he had just touched, and then placed his forehead against Justin.  “Justin,” he whispered against the younger man’s skin.  “Justin, baby, you have to listen to me, okay.  You have to come out of this.  You have to come back to us, to me. . . I don’t,” Brian began as he felt the tears flow from his eyes, and his heart break.  “Baby, I need you.  I know that things haven’t always been easy for us, I know that I’ve been an ass. . . but please. . . you have to come out of this . . .I need you to come out of this.”

Brian sat back down in the chair and reached for Justin’s hand once again.  Holding it in his own larger hand, Brian held it to his mouth.  He placed a kiss on the back of Justin’s hand, then moved to kiss the inside of his wrist.  “Please, Justin.  I know that things have been hard for you, and I haven’t always been there for you when you needed me – the way you needed me.  But I want to fix that.  I want the chance to prove to you that we can be together, that we were meant to be together.  But I can’t do that until you wake up, baby.  You have to wake up so I can tell you how much I love you, and I do.  I know I never told you that before, but I do.  With all my heart.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about things these past couple of months, Justin.  Things that I never would’ve thought I could even stand to think about,” he continued.  Brian reached up and carefully ran his free hand through a spot of hair that was sticking out of the bandage on Justin’s head.  “I never believed in fate, never wanted to . . . but I wonder about that now.  I wonder why I had left the club when I did, why I had looked over when I did.  All I know was when I was ready to get into the jeep that night, something inside of me screamed at me to turn around.  There was a pull, a . . . I don’t know . . . but something told me to turn around.  You were pulling me toward you.  And when I saw you. . . you looked like an angel with the light dancing off of you, and the mist rising around you.  I have never before seen anything like that.  At that moment I was lost.  I didn’t realize it then, but that’s when I fell in love with you, and I knew I had to have you.”

“I have never believed in love at first sight, or love for that matter, but you proved me wrong.  You proved to me that I could be loved, and that I could love.  I know that I never really showed you, never told you what you meant to me, but these past couple of months without you, I’ve felt so lost.  Like I wasn’t complete without you there.  I’d wake up and reach out for you, I’d shower and want you there with me.  Everywhere I went, I thought of you.  I need you, Justin,” he said through the tears that were freely falling down his face.  He hoped that Justin could hear him, he hoped that Justin knew that he was there, and loved him.  Brian had heard that people in a coma could hear people around them, he hoped that it was true.  He hoped that Justin could hear him now, and that Justin understood what he was saying.  “And I love you.  If I could turn back the clock, and change the way things were between us those past couple of months, I would.  I hope you know that.  But I was scared . . . scared of what I felt for you.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be in a relationship.  Never would I have thought that I could love someone like I do you.  You taught me the meaning of the phrase soul mate.  ‘Cause you are mine, Justin.”

Brian closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.  _‘Please hear me, Justin,_ ’ he begged.  ‘ _Please_.’  “Justin. . . you need to wake up, baby.  You need to wake up and tell me you hear me, that you forgive me.  Tell me that it isn’t my fault.  I know we both messed up in the relationship.  I wouldn’t listen, and you wouldn’t talk, but we can work that out.  I know that sex isn’t always the answer, but you need to talk to me.  I needed you to be the one to tell me when I fucked up.  But we can fix that.  I want to . . . no need to fix that.  I need you.  Wake up, so that I can tell you how I feel, so that we can make it right between us.  Please . . . please.  You can’t leave me now, not when I’ve finally realized what you meant to me.  I want a second chance.  I want the chance to prove to you I can be the man you want, the man you deserve.  But I can’t do that unless you wake up.  I’ve almost lost you before, and I can’t do that again.  I need you to show me that you’re okay – that I’m not too late.  Wake up, baby, please.”

Brian couldn’t continue.  He felt drained, empty.  Brian sat back down in the chair, and placed his head on the edge of the bed still holding Justin’s hand in his own, as the tears continued to fall.  ‘ _Let him know that you’re there – that you love him.  Let yourself mourn, let yourself cry, do what you need to do to let go.  Don’t hold back for us, or for Justin,’_ Jennifer’s words came back to his mind as he allowed the pain to emerge.  He began to let it all out; all of the pain, all of the sadness, and feelings of unfairness and anger came pouring out.  He was releasing it so that he could be there for Justin when he woke up, and Brian knew that he would.  Justin had to; he just had to come back to him.  He would come back to Brian, and they would make it work.  _‘Love my son, take care of him, let him know that you’re there.’_ Brian once again brought Justin’s hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist.  “I love you, Justin.  Come back to me.”

*******************

Brian was awoken by a hand on his back, quickly he looked up at Justin wondering if the man was awake.  “Brian,” he heard Jennifer behind him, letting him know in his heart, that nothing had changed.  Justin was still unconscious, and Brian hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep.  Brian sat up in the chair and ran his hands through his hair.  _‘Fuck, I’m tired_ ,’ he realized.  “I got all of us checked into the hotel,” Jenn explained, and Brian only nodded in response.  “Why don’t you go and change, shower, eat, whatever.  I’ll stay with him for a little while.”  Brian felt a sudden sense of dread deep inside him.  He didn’t want to leave, he couldn’t leave.  If he left, and something were to happen to Justin while he was gone . . . he would never forgive himself.  As if Jennifer could feel his turmoil, Brian felt her hand gently rub his shoulder.  “You won’t be any good to Justin if you’re not taking care of yourself,” she began.  “Plus, I’m sure that that suit is not very comfortable to sleep in.  Go, I’ll watch over him.  If anything happens I’ll call.”

Brian nodded, then leaned over to kiss Justin lightly on the corner of his mouth.  “I’ll be back.  I love you,” he whispered to the young man.  Taking the keycard and car keys that Jenn held out for him, he glanced one last time toward Justin and left the room.  

When Brian reached the hotel, he immediately went to his room, stripped off his jacket, and fell onto the bed.  He reached up to loosen his tie, and closed his eyes.  The past couple of hours weighed heavily on his soul, and all Brain wanted to do was forget.  He wished that Justin was there with him at that moment so that he could lose himself in the other man.  He wanted to forget that Justin was injured, that Justin was unconscious.  He wanted to go back to a time when everything was good, when they were together, when there were no barriers.  He looked at his watch; suddenly realizing what day was coming up, and cursed.  It was coming up on Gus’ Birthday, his and Justin’s anniversary.  He thought back to their last anniversary, and what had lead them to that moment.  Justin had remembered the bashing at Gus’ party, and Brian had taken the young man home.  He never did find out who had gotten his kid that damn bat, but it didn’t matter, ‘cause Justin was hurting.  They had made love that night for the first time.  Brian had never felt closer to anyone than he had at that moment.

Still laying flat on the bed, Brian reached over to his jacket and pulled out his cellphone.  He had promised Lindsey that he would call when he had news, so he figured that he would follow through with that plan.  He waited for the phone to pick up, not sure if he wanted the answering machine or Lindsey to pick up.  “Hello,” Brian heard Lindsey’s voice say. 

“Lindz, it’s Bri,” he said placing his arm over his eyes ensuring that the phone was still tucked in tightly to his ear.

“Bri, what’s going on?  How’s Justin,” she asked.

Brian took a deep breath, not sure how much he really wanted to tell them.  Yes, they were his friends, but he wasn’t sure he could deal with all of them coming down here right now.  And he knew they would.  “It’s not good, Lindz.”

“Talk to me, Bri.”

“Justin’s in a coma right now.  He has a head injury and his right shin is fractured.  Right now all we can do is wait,” he automatically informed her.  Brian figured if he could stay closed off, and tell them just the bear essentials without going into the emotions of the whole thing, he might actually survive.  

“Do we know anything, anything at all,” Brian heard her shaky voice.  

_ ‘Don’t lose it, Lindz.  Please don’t lose it.  I don’t think I can make it if you do,’ _ he thought.  He knew if she lost it, then he wouldn’t be able to continue.  “We don’t know much right now, we’ll just have to wait until he wakes up.  When that will be we don’t know.”

“Bri?  Do you want us to come down there?  Do you need us there for you,” she asked him.

‘ _Yes_ ,’ he wanted to yell, but then shook his head.  “I don’t see the point right now.  There’s not much we can do, and I know Justin wouldn’t want all of you to put your lives on hold because of him.  Especially since he’s not even awake to enjoy it.  Besides Gus’ Birthday is coming up, and I know you have that big, fucking party planned.  Don’t put it aside because of this.”

“Brian, you know we all love Justin, and we would want to be there for him – for you, and Jennifer, and Molly,” she stated.

Brian sighed deeply, knowing that he just might lose this battle.  Lindsey had always been able to get him to do things that he didn’t want to do.  How in the hell she was able to do that, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to let her this time.  He couldn’t.  “I know you do, Lindz.  But think about Justin for a moment.  Think of what he would want.  He wouldn’t want to ruin Gus’ party, or interrupt your lives.  You know that, Lindz.  Just please don’t do anything stupid.”

“I don’t know, Brian,” he heard her said.  Then he heard the background noise coming over the line.  _‘Fuck, just what I don’t need right now.  The whole fucking gang there waiting to ambush me.’_ He knew before Lindsey even told him that the others wanted to talk to him.  “Brian, Deb wants to talk to you.”

“Lindz,” he began, but knew she didn’t hear him as the phone changed hands.

“Brian, is Sunshine going to be alright,” he heard Deb ask.

_ ‘How the fuck am I supposed to know,’ _ he wanted to yell.  “Justin will be fine, don’t worry about it.  There’s nothing that anyone can do right now, so don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry about it!  What the hell are you saying?”  Brian cringed slightly at Deb’s outburst, as he quickly pulled the offensive item away from his ear.  “Don’t worry about it.  Sunshine is hurt, and I want to know what is going on.”

“Deb, listen, as I told Lindsey, don’t worry about it.  There’s nothing that anyone can do right now, but wait.”

“Well I’m coming down there.  I’ll get on the first fucking plane down there.  Sunshine will need us down there, and so will you and Jennifer,” he heard her say.

_ ‘Fuck!’ _   “Deb, right now is not the best time.  Justin wouldn’t want you all to put your lives on hold, as I told Lindsey.  Jenn, Daphne, Molly, and I are doing okay.  There’s nothing that anyone can do.  Hell we don’t even know when he’ll wake up,” he tried to explain.

“That doesn’t matter.  We care, dammit.  We should be able to be there,” She said.  Brian knew that they all meant well, and that they cared what happened, but he also knew that since they had no idea when Justin would wake up, it would be a wasted trip.

He knew that they wouldn’t leave it alone, so he figured that he’d give them an alternative.  He needed them away right now so that he could concentrate on Justin, and Justin only.  “Listen, I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll give regular updates, and when he comes out of his coma, I’ll call you guys and let you know.  Then we can try and get you all down here.”

Brian could tell that Deb was thinking it over, and he silently prayed that she would accept.  “Alright.  I don’t have to like it, but alright.  You better let us know the minute he wakes up, you understand me.”

Brian could almost see Deb standing there with her hand on her hip waving a finger in his face.  “Yes, Deb.  I said I would and I will.  Fuck!  I’m not that fucking insensitive.”  He hated that they still thought the worst of him.  He hated it especially since THEY were the ones who had ignored Justin when he needed them the most.  He didn’t want to argue with them over anything right now.  “Look, I have to let you guys go, so that I can get back to the hospital.  I’ll keep in touch,” he finished as he hung up.  He didn’t want to hear anymore from anyone up there.  Brian threw his cell on the bed beside him, and closed his eyes.  He could feel anger growing in him at the entire situation – both with everyone back in Pittsburgh, and with Justin’s condition.  He knew that he had to try and let it go, he wouldn’t let Justin feel the tension that he was feeling.  

Brian rolled out of the bed, and began to strip his clothes.  By the door he spotted his suitcase, and began to pull out everything he needed, then headed for the shower.  As he turned on the water, he thought of Justin, and their time together.  He missed holding the younger man in his arms, feeling their bodies pressed together as the water cascaded around them.  Brian began to run the soap over his body, imagining Justin’s smooth hands caressing up and down his body.  Closing his eyes, Brian brought forth the image of Justin before him.  He could see the desire in the blue eyes -- the need -- as he felt his own need begin to grow.  Brian reached down and began to run his hand over his cock, lightly teasing the tip, the same way Justin had on many occasions.  Wrapping his hand fully over his hard cock, Brian began to stroke himself imagining Justin’s hand was working it’s magic – seeing in his mind’s eye Justin’s mouth licking his balls and moving up and down his cock.  His need for Justin was overwhelming as he continued to stroke himself, gripping harder with each stroke.  It didn’t take long before Brian felt his body begin to tighten with the oncoming release, and he didn’t fight it – allowing the sweet release that only Justin could allow him.

Brian leaned his head against the shower wall, as he tried to catch his breath.  “Justin,” he sighed, wishing once again that the man was there.  Brian fell to his knees, and cried.  As his tears mixed with the water from the shower head, Brian wished that he could make the pain stop.  He wished that he could make it wash away like the water down the drain.

*******************

It had been four days since Brian and the others had arrived in Atlanta, and still Justin had not awaken.  Brian hardly ever left the young man’s side, and when he did it was only to shower and change.  Kate had told them that it would be better if they stayed at Justin’s place, and they had checked out of the hotel, and moved to Justin’s new home.  Brian had been impressed with Justin’s choice.  The house was a two-story town home in a quiet neighborhood.  It had a two-car garage, and basement – which could convert into a small apartment.  Justin had very little furniture, but Brian knew that Justin had plans to get more in the coming weeks.  Upstairs, Justin had set up a small studio for him to work in, with his drawings, and paintings lining the walls.  The kitchen was large with a duel oven, and center island.  Just the way that Justin would like it.   

Brian could see Justin’s presence in every inch of the home, and even noticed that Justin had added his own little addition to the bedroom.  Seeing the neon lights that lined the back wall behind Justin’s bed, brought a smile to Brian’s face.  He knew that Justin had slept better with the lights on, and Brian knew that every time Justin had those lights on, Brian was in his thoughts.  

Brian stood in the bedroom, and looked in the mirror.  Today was Nate’s funeral, and Brian felt he had to be there for Justin.  He knew that Justin would’ve wanted to be there, so Brian decided that since Justin couldn’t he would for him.  Brian had met Nate once before, and talked to him many times on the phone.  Justin and Nate had become good friends, and Brian had been grateful that Justin had found someone that he could share things with.  But now those days were over with.  The same accident that had claimed Nate’s life had also left Justin in a coma.  Brain turned when he heard a knock on the opened bedroom door.  “Yeah,” he said not bothering to turn around.  
  


He spotted Kate and Kelly walk into the room from their reflection in the mirror.  “We’ll we’re ready whenever you are,” Kelly said with a sad smile on her face.  Brian walked over to her and gave her a hug.  Kelly had lost her brother, but she had still been there ever minute praying for Justin’s quick recovery.  She would come by the hospital with a cup of coffee for him and Daphne, tea for Jennifer, and milk for Molly.  Brian realized that in the short amount of time that Justin had been in Atlanta, he had made friends that would last a lifetime, no matter what happened.  Friends like Mickey was to him.  No matter how angry you got at the person, when you needed them the most, they were there for you.  Brian placed his arms around both woman’s shoulders and walked them out of the house.  He would be there in Justin’s place.  He would let everyone know that if Justin could be there he would.  He would do this for Justin, ‘cause he knew that Justin would do it for him.  

Once they reached the church, Brian felt Kelly reach over and kiss him lightly on the cheek.  “Thank-you, Brian.  For everything. . . for being here . . .for being a friend.  It means a lot to me,” she said then got out of the car and headed inside.  Brian just sat there and watched the two women as they walked away, and thought about how differently he was viewed here.  There was no one here who only knew him as the cold and uncaring Brian.  Everyone here had only seen him as he knew Justin saw him.  He didn’t have to hide here.  He didn’t have to pretend here.  He didn’t have to be the strong one here.

It wasn’t that he felt trapped by his friends back in Pittsburgh, it was just that for so many years he had acted a certain way.  They had gotten so used to that person, and almost refused to see him as he was now.  Justin HAD changed him, in more ways then one.  He knew that their refusal to see, their interference had been part of the problem between him and Justin.  Maybe here, away from their past they could have a chance to start over.  He hoped so.  _‘Now all you have to do is wake up, Justin.  You have to wake up.’_ Brian got out of the car and headed inside to say good-bye to someone he had only met briefly, but had made a big impression on him.  He would say good-bye for Justin, and himself. 

*******************

Brian walks out of the hospital the next day and moves toward the rental car with keys in hand.  He didn’t think he could handle it anymore.  He didn’t think that he could stand there and watch as Justin fought for his life and not knowing if he was going to live or die.  Upon reaching the car he opened the door and sat in the driver’s seat – putting the key in the ignition.  He didn’t turn the car on, only placed his head against the steering wheel, and tried some of the breathing techniques that the doctor had taught him to use with Justin the last time he was getting out of the hospital _.  ‘I’m not strong enough to deal with this.  I can’t fucking do this, not again,_ ’ he thought as he continued to try and breathe.  It was getting so hard to sit in that room.  Every time he walked in that room, and looked at Justin laying there he felt as if the walls were closing in around them.  He was losing Justin, he just knew it, and he wanted to stop it, he wanted to wrap Justin in his arms and never let him go.  

There was a light tapping on the passenger window causing Brian to glance in that direction.  Spotting Marsha standing there with a cup of coffee in her hands he just turned his head back to the look at the floor beneath him.  Reaching out to the lock he let her in, without saying a word.  “Thought you could use this,” she said placing a cup of steaming Starbucks coffee down beside him.  “Let’s go some place where we can talk,” she suggested, and Brian just started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.  “Just follow my directions and we should be there in no time,” she said with a slight smile.  Brian didn’t look at her or even really acknowledge her, just followed her directions heading toward parts unknown.  They had been driving for a little more than an hour or so, when they had finally reached their destination.  “It’s a secluded little spot that I take Justin to every now and then when he just wants to let loose.  It’s a good place to yell, scream, damn the gods, whatever.  I thought you could use a little break from the big, bad city.”

Brian stepped out of the car, and finally realized that he was no longer at the hospital.  He hadn’t even realized that he had shut down and was going on nothing until he felt the cool breeze and clean air hit his lungs.  “What is this place,” he asked as he took a look around.  It was dark, and there were no lights anywhere.  Trees lined in rows as far as the eyes could see, is what greeted Brian, and he felt a sudden sense of peace.  He could almost see Justin sitting on a rock nearby, sketchbook in hand, capturing the beauty around him. 

“This is what I call my office,” Marsha said, sitting on the hood of the car.  “As I said I’m not really the traditional shrink,” she said with a laugh.  “I found this spot after my parents kicked me out.  Okay, beat the shit out of me, then kicked me out after finding out I was gay.  I got in my car, and just started driving.  Something in me told me to stop here.  I don’t know what it was, but when I walked around I felt peace – I felt connected to something bigger than myself.  I came here, and just started yelling – yelling at the top of my lungs, telling the gods that they weren’t going to ruin my life.  I asked why. . .why me.  Why is this shit happening to me?  I kept going on that I wasn’t going to let them bring me down.  I wasn’t going to let THEM take what I am away from me.”  Brian turned toward her, trying to look deep in her soul – asking her, wanting answers.  “When I walked away, I knew.  I knew what I was, who I wanted to be.  I felt at peace for the first time in a long, long time.  I found the will to fight here.  This place gave me the strength to continue.  To live.”

Brian could only nod, knowing what she meant.  She had told him that she was going to help him, that she wanted him to be strong for Justin.  She had told him that she would be there for him, that he had people who would support him.  For the first time since this had happened, he felt like it was true.  Normally it was Mickey who had been able to pull him out of his despair, but here was a person who had met him on two other occasions helping him out.  They didn’t owe each other anything.  They had no history, no common bond – except Justin.  Before – back in Pittsburgh – it had been Justin who had been dragged into his world.  Now it was Brian being drawn into Justin’s world.  It felt strange, but strangely liberating.  He was finally beginning to feel like he could be himself.  Like no one here was going to judge him for his past mistakes, his past remarks.  “Go ahead.  Let it all out.  No one here will judge you for what you’re thinking what you’re feeling.  Trust me there is nothing you can say that these trees haven’t heard.  Hell, between Justin and myself, do you honestly think that there’s anything you can add that they haven’t heard already.  Just let it all out, so that you can go back to that hospital and wait it out.  So that you can go back there strong enough to deal with this.  If you hold it all in, you will only destroy yourself.  Trust me I know, I’ve seen it happen more times than I care to count.  Don’t let this destroy you.  Let it make you stronger, let it make your relationship with Justin stronger.”

Brian watched as Marsha got off of the hood of the car, and turned around to head down a small bend between the trees giving him time to be alone.  Brian looked up at the sky, and closed his eyes.  ‘ _Let it all out?  If I do that, I may never be able to return.  I’ll fucking drown,_ ’ he thought.  Then he glanced around and saw Marsha sitting on a rock well within sight to offer help if he needed it, but allowing him the space he needed.  Brian sat down on the grass, and began to pick at the fallen leaves beneath him.  Everything that he had been feeling since he had gotten that dreadful phone call days ago, began to surface of their own free will.  He began to feel consumed by the unfairness of the whole thing, and suddenly began to let it out.  “Hasn’t he been through enough?  Hasn’t he fucking proven himself to you over and over again?  Why?  Just fucking tell me why!”  With each sentence that passed his lips his felt his anger rise, forcing his voice louder until it began to echo throughout the small valley of trees.  “What the fuck has he done to deserve this shit?  Huh?  Tell me.  Is it because of me?  Are you trying to get to me through him?  Don’t fucking punish him because of me.  Don’t you fucking dare!”

Brian stood and looked at the sky above him.  “Justin is a beautiful, kind, caring, loving, young man.  If you want to fucking punish someone take me.  Leave him alone.  Let him have some fucking peace!  Fuck.  He hasn’t done a dam thing in his life except love me.  Is that so fucking wrong in your eyes?  Well FUCK YOU!”  Brian picked up a sharp rock from the ground and threw it up towards the sky.  “First you fucking send in Craig, then Hobbs, and now this.  What else do we have to go through to prove to you?  What other fucking test do you want to throw at us?  Did you want me to realize that I love him, that I can’t live without him?  Is that what the fuck you want?  Well guess what I DO!  I LOVE HIM!  HAPPY NOW!  I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!”  

Brian felt his legs begin to weaken, as he fell to the ground.  “I love him. . . Oh god,” he began as he felt his anger begin to fade to reveal the pain hidden deep within his heart.  Brian felt arms wrap around him, holding him tightly in an embrace.  “I can’t fucking lose him.  I can’t live without him. I love him,” he cried.

“And he loves you, too.  You’ll get through this Brian.  Both of you.  And you’ll both be stronger for it,” Marsha said to him still holding him tightly as he let the pain go for the first time since he got word about Justin’s accident.  

“Why,” he asked through the tears.

“Hell if I know, but I do know that you’ll get through this. . . together.  I have faith in you, and in Justin.  You’ll make it through this.  If you believe in anything, Brian, believe in that.  Believe in your love for Justin.  Never give up on that.  Never.  That’s what will get you through this, and through the years ahead.”

Brian held tightly to Marsha as he let his pain go.  When he finally felt it ease, he wasn’t sure how long they had been there, but he knew that she had been right about one thing.  He felt more at peace than he had in a long time.  He finally felt that he might be able to do this . . . he just might be able to be there for Justin, and help him through this.  He also knew that if he ever felt lost again, he knew where he could come to get himself straight.  He knew where he could come to realize what was important.  Brian pulled back form the embrace and smiled his thanks slightly at Marsha.  “Shall we head back?  I need to be there for Justin.”

“That’s my boy,” she said as she stood and began to move to the car.  “You know what,” she asked as they reached the car.  “Grass stains are a bitch to get out of jeans.”

Brian laughed at the stupidity of her comment.  Here he was yelling at the world for the unfairness of what happened to Justin and she was bitching about her fucking clothes.  “I’ll fucking buy you a new pair, okay.  Dam!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll just add the cost to your bill,” she said as she got in the car.  “Well let’s go.  Justin’s waiting.”

Brian shook his head, and got into the car.  “Bitch,” he whispered as he started the car, heading back to the hospital and Justin.

*******************

It had been two weeks since they had heard about Justin’s accident.  Two weeks of waiting for Justin to come out of his coma.  Jennifer had told Brian that she had to get back to work, and had left a week ago.  Molly couldn’t miss any more school, and they all knew that Justin wouldn’t allow it.  Not because of him.  Brian had told her that he would call the first sign that Justin was coming out of the coma, and make sure that she got down here as soon as possible.  Daphne was the next to leave.  Her classes were starting again, and Brian had to force her out of Atlanta.  She kept telling him that she could stay, that she wanted to stay. . .to hell with school.  But Brian would hear none of it.  So he had forced her on a plane back to Pittsburgh.  His stuff from there had been arriving daily to Justin’s home, and things were slowing coming to a conclusion.  Slowly his life was moving away from the past, and heading toward his future.  His future here -- in Atlanta -- with Justin.  

He had been working out of the offices here, in order to get the final preparations taken care of for his ‘official’ move down here.  Vance was actually thrilled at the chance to have Brian there to completely oversee the final details of the buyout, so he didn’t give Brian any grief over leaving two weeks a head of time.  Brian had spent most of his time either at work, Justin’s town home, or at the hospital.  He had decided that no matter how much Justin argued with him, he was moving in with the younger man – in fact he had already had all of this things sent to the town home.  Justin would need supervision when he got out, he would need to be watched and monitored.  So Brian figured it would be easier if he just moved in now.  Hopefully that way, Justin couldn’t say that he was interfering in his life, that he was forcing Brian to give up everything for him.  Brian wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and took matters into his own hands.  He would be there as a friend, as someone Justin could trust.  _‘And hopefully get him to allow me to be there for him as a partner, as a boyfriend.’_

Brian knew that it would take time for Justin to feel that he was ‘worthy’ enough to give their relationship another try, but Brian was determined to prove to Justin that it was worth it.  That he was worth it.  He wasn’t going to let this go.  Brian was now a man on a mission, and no one, not even Justin was going to stop him.  He was going to get Justin back, and he was willing to do whatever it took to accomplish that task.  

“Now all you have to do is wake up, Sunshine,” he said.  Brian sat back in the chair, holding Justin’s hand tightly in his own.  As he felt himself begin to doze off he felt something.  Immediately, Brian sat forward in the chair and stared at the bed – at Justin.  “Justin,” he asked.  “Justin can you hear me?”  When no reply came, Brian began to wonder if he was just imagining things.  As he began to relax, he felt it again.  This time there was no doubt in his mind.  Justin’s hand had moved.  Justin was waking up.  Justin was coming back to them.

  


Part 4b: Breathe – Exhale

_ I can feel the magic floating in the air _

_ Being with you gets me that way _

_ I watch the sunlight dance across your face _

_ And I've never been this swept away _

_ All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze _

_ When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms _

_ The whole world just fades away _

_ The only thing I hear _

_ Is the beating of your heart _

_ Breathe – Faith Hill _

Brian stood outside gate as the plane arrived, waiting for Jennifer to arrive.  After he had noticed Justin starting to wake, he immediately called her, and told her the good news.  Jennifer was on a plane an hour later, and now Brian was standing there waiting for her to come off the plane.  Justin had awakened fully two hours ago, and was immediately carted off for tests.  Brian reluctantly left his side, knowing that there was nothing that he could do, and headed for the airport.  After weeks of sitting by waiting – watching as life slowly crawled around him – it had seemed as if someone had hit the fast forward button.  Everything was happening so quickly that Brian wasn’t sure if he could keep up.  

Brian took a deep breath and stretched his sore muscles.  He felt like he had been sleeping in that uncomfortable hospital chair for years, as every muscle screamed at him in protest at his sudden movement.  Brian felt a smile come to his lips as he saw Jennifer walk off the plane and head toward him.  His smile was short-lived however, as he looked past her and saw a hoard of people following closely behind her _.  ‘Fuck!  I told them not to come yet,’_ he swore to himself.  Brian had called Lindsey after his talk with Jennifer and told her the news.  He had told them that until he could determine Justin’s mood, he didn’t want everyone around.  He wanted to have the chance to talk to Justin, and time to allow Justin to come to terms with his new disability, but no.  Silently he cursed as he saw Deb, Vic, Lindsey, Emmett, and Michael all make their way over to him.  Brian had hoped they would’ve listened _.  ‘But once again, they don’t fucking listen. **FUCK**!’_   Brian suddenly wished that Marsha was there with him, but he knew that she was needed more at the hospital with Justin.

“I thought I told you all to fucking wait until we knew something,” he said as he looked over at the group that had arrived in front of him.  

Jenn placed her hand on his arm, forcing him to look at her.  “Brian, they insisted on coming.”

“Fuck that.  I told all of you to hold off.  We don’t know anything right now, and the last thing that Justin needs is everyone fucking hovering around,” he said as the turned away from them.  He couldn’t look at them, as he led the way toward the baggage claim area.  He glanced over at Jennifer, and shook his head.  “I got you a rental car.  They’re most likely still running tests so if you want to drop your stuff off at the house you can, then head on over.”

Jennifer smiled at him slightly.  “Thank you, but I think I’ll head straight to the hospital.  I can only stay the weekend before I have to go back.”

“Where’s Molly?”

“She’s with her father.  I didn’t feel right pulling her out of school anymore than I already have,” she said as she began to look for her luggage.

“In other words that asshole refused to let you bring her down here,” Brian said with disgust.  He knew the answer and refused to hide his anger.  “Fucking bastard.”

Jenn just lowered her head, and Brian could see the pain and stress Craig was putting her through.  It just made Brian hate the man more.  “How is he?”

Brian shrugged, still refusing to acknowledge the others that were intently trying to listen in.  “He woke up fully two hours ago, and the doctors carted him off for tests.  I won’t know anything until we get out of here, and I can call Marsha.”

Jenn nodded.  “She stayed there with him?”

Brian nodded and looked out at the people meeting and reuniting with loved ones.  “Yeah, we both thought it best.  I asked them to hold off telling him about. . . until I got back, but who the fuck knows.  Knowing Justin as I do, he won’t stop until he gets answers.  So she’s there to try and help him if they do tell him.”  Brian finally turned his attention to the rest of the group and shook his head.  “So where the fuck are all of you planning on staying?”

Jennifer looked at Brian with shock, but Brian shook it off.  “Brian?”

Brian turned to look at her briefly and just stared.  “No, Jenn.  I told them to fucking wait.”  Brian wasn’t going to let up.  They had gone against his wishes and just done what they thought was right, yet again.  He was sick and tired of them trying to do what **THEY** thought was right for Justin.  They didn’t know Justin and what he’d been going through.  “I told you to wait.  Wait for Justin to get a little better.  He’s going to be finding out that he’s fucking crippled for the rest of his life.  Now how the hell do you think he’s going to handle that?  You don’t know.  I wanted a little time to get him through the initial shock, so that maybe he can be ready to face all of you without feeling your pity.  But you had to take matters into your own fucking hands.”  Brian noticed the shocked looks on the faces of his friends and the looks he was getting from people passing by.  He didn’t care who heard him at that moment, he was pissed.  “You know what -- fuck it.  I have to get back to the hospital.  You do what you want,” he said before any of them could say anything in return to his outburst.  He handed Jennifer the keys to the rental car, and turned to walk toward Justin’s Mustang.  

As Brian walked toward the car, he felt people behind him and knew that they were going to try and get a ride from him.  Without acknowledging them Brian pulled out his cell and dialed a now familiar number.  “Marsha, how is he?”

“He knows,” he heard her tell him.

Brian froze in the middle of the parking lot, and felt Michael run into him.  “What!?  **FUCK**!  I told them to fucking wait.  What the hell were they thinking?”  Despite the fact that he knew that Justin could find out before he got there, Brian was furious that his wishes once again had been ignored.  ‘ _None of them know what’s best for Justin.  I do.’_

Brian stood there waiting for the explanation, as he clenched the cell phone tightly in his hand.  “It was a new guy.  He just came on duty.  Justin was upset that the doctor wasn’t telling him anything so he asked this guy.  I’m going back into Justin room to try and help him through this.  I just stepped out when you called.”

“ **FUCK**!  When I get my hands on that little fucker.”

Brian heard Marsha laugh and he was suddenly grateful that she had stayed there.  “Trust me, I don’t think he’ll ever come near any of us again,” Brian heard her say.  He could almost see the evil gleam in her eyes.  Despite the fact that she was Justin’s shrink, Brian and Marsha had become friends.  She wouldn’t tell him what she discussed with Justin, but she was there to help him through his own pain.  She had helped him a lot these past couple of weeks.  “But give me some time to try and talk to him.”

Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “How is he taking it?”

Brian heard nothing for a while, and began to wonder if they had been cut off.  “Not well,” she said.  “I’m going to try and calm him down.  The doctor said that we could try and give him a sedative, but he only wants to use that as a last resort right now.  Don’t worry; I’ll work with him.  Take your time, don’t rush.  We’ll be here when you get back.”

“Yeah, thanks.  Listen, one more thing,” Brian began, turning to face the group behind him.  He shrugged and turned away again.  “We have a slight problem here, too,” he quietly said into the phone.  “It seems the gang didn’t follow my advice, and came anyway.  You think Justin would be able to see them?”

“Right now, no.  Justin still has a lot of issues from the time of his leaving Pittsburgh, and I’m not sure that it’s a good time for him to see them.  He hadn’t come to terms with any of that **BEFORE** this, and now. . .. Anyway, I’ll talk to them when they get here, because seeing them right now is not in Justin’s best interest.  And as much as I hate to say this, Brian, he doesn’t even want to see you right now.  Hell, he doesn’t even want to see me.”  Brian could hear the sadness in her voice as she told him.  

Brian reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Okay, listen I’m on my way.  Just calm him until I can get there, then I’ll talk to him.  I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me, I think I’ve earned the right by sitting by his side for the past two fucking weeks.”

“I always knew you were a determined fuck, Brian,” he heard her laugh.  “I’ll see you soon.  Oh, don’t take 75,” she said quickly.  “There’s been an accident and it’ll take you two hours just to get here, instead of 30 minutes.”

Brian glanced over at the group around him.  “I’ll remember that, but I might forget to say that to some other people.  Let them find out for themselves,” he smiled.

“You are an evil, evil man, Brian Kinney.  See ya soon,” she said as they hung up.

Brian looked over at the group, and began to plan what the next course of action would be.  Coming to a decision, Brian told Emmett, Lindsey, and Jennifer that they would ride with him, leaving the others to take the rental car.  Of course he had told Michael that the way to get to the hospital was to stay on I-75.  He needed time to prepare Justin before they all arrived, and why not let them sit in traffic and think about crossing him again?

***************

Brian walked into the hospital and headed down the now-familiar hallways toward Justin’s room.  Before they reached the door, he looked over at the three with him.  “Listen, let me go in there first.  Let me talk to him.  Once I get him calmed down, and find out what he wants, I’ll come and get you,” he said to them.  Silently he hoped that they would agree, ‘cause he didn’t have the energy to fight with them.  When Jennifer gave him her blessing, Brian sighed in relief.  As long as Jennifer agreed with him, he was okay.  He couldn't care less about what anyone else thought.  She had given him her blessing to see her son, and he wasn’t going to screw it up.  

Brian walked into the room, making sure to slide in without notice.  Sitting in the chair by Justin’s bed was Marsha.  She was trying to talk to him, but Brian could tell that Justin was refusing to acknowledge her.  Brian silently cursed once again at the damn idiot who had told Justin before he had been there to help.  _‘Time to try and clean up the mess,’_ Brian thought as he moved further into the room.  He knew the instant that Justin saw him, for Brian saw the younger man stiffen.  “Get out,” Brian heard him quietly say.

“What?” Brian asked, pretending not to have heard him.

“I said GET OUT!  **GO ON GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE** ,” Justin yelled.  

Brian moved closer to the bed, and sat down on the edge.  “No,” he simply stated.  “I think I have every fucking right to be here, since for the past two fucking weeks I have been sitting in that very chair waiting for you to wake up.  So no, I’m not leaving now.”

“Please, just go,” Justin begged him – the fight starting to drain out of the young man.  Brian knew that the little outburst must’ve taken a lot out of him, and Brian hated that Justin was hurting.  

Brian almost folded at Justin’s painful plea.  Justin sounded so weak, and so helpless that Brian almost gave in, but closed his eyes to refocus himself instead.  Brian reached over and grabbed ahold of Justin’s left hand to hold it in his own.  When he felt Justin’s weak attempt to pull away, Brian held tighter.  “No.  I’m not going anywhere.  So deal.”  Brian gave Marsha a glance, letting her know that he wanted time to be alone with Justin.  Taking the hint, she got up and left the two alone.  Brian turned his attention to Justin, who had his eyes closed and face turned away from him.  “Justin,” he quietly tried to get his attention.  “Justin.”  When Justin didn’t answer, Brian knew he had to get the young man’s attention.  He had to try and get Justin to see that no matter what, he didn’t see him any differently.  He was still the man that Brian loved.  “Fine, you don’t want to acknowledge me.  Well, then, just listen.”

“Please just go away.  Go away, and leave me alone,” Justin begged.  

“I can’t,” Brian began.  He was going to tell Justin exactly what he had planned on telling him when he woke up.  He had had a lot of time to think about what he was going to say, and he wasn’t going to back down now.  “I love you, Justin.  And no matter what you try to do – what you try to say – it’s not going to make a damn bit of difference.  I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.  You’re stuck with me.”

Justin turned to look at Brian with a shocked expression on his face.  Brian knew that he had just admitted to Justin what the young man had always wanted to hear from him.  The strangest thing was that Brian wasn't at all confused or upset by his admission.  Justin needed to know how Brian felt, and he wasn’t going to lose the chance to try and start over.  “How can you say that?” Justin asked him.  Brian was slightly confused by the question.  The last thing he ever would’ve thought was for that question to come out of Justin’s mouth when he declared his love.  “How can you say that you love me?  Look at me!  **LOOK AT ME!”**   Brian did as he was told and really looked at Justin.  He knew he saw the same man that he loved – nothing had changed.  “How can you love someone who is, and will forever be, fucked up?  How can you love someone who isn’t even a whole person?  Do you really think you would want to deal with all the shit that I’m now faced with?  There will be no more dancing for me.  No more anything!  Tell me you really want to deal with that shit – and I’ll know you’re fucking lying.  I can’t be the person you need, Brian.  I can’t be the type of person you deserve.  I can’t be anything anymore.  How can you even think that?  How?” Justin finished.  Brian could see the tears running down Justin’s face, and he felt his heart break.  

Brian had talked to Marsha in depth about what Justin would most likely be feeling when he woke up, and for that Brian was grateful.  It had prepared him for what was happening now.  He knew that Justin was trying to make Brian realize that he wasn’t worth it – that he wasn’t a whole person.  Justin was trying to show Brian that he didn’t deserve to be loved.  He was trying to make Brian angry and push him away so that he could suffer alone.  Brian wasn’t going to let that happen.  “Do you honestly fucking think that I care about that shit?  Do you think that I’m so insensitive that I care about any of that?  I thought you knew me better than that, Justin.  You should know that I never say anything that I don’t mean.  So you can’t walk right now, so fucking what?  That doesn’t mean that if you work hard enough at it you won’t be able to walk again – even if it’s years from now so fucking what?  So you suffered yet anther head injury and your drawing hand is once again weak.  Well we got through that once before and we’ll do it again.  Stop trying to be a drama princess, and get over it.”  Brian reached toward Justin and pulled his face so that he could look directly into the pale blue eyes of his lover.  "You’re stronger than that.  You should know that I don’t care about that shit.  You can survive this.”

Brian saw Justin’s eye begin to water, as the tears began to flow down the young man’s cheeks.  “You can beat this thing.  I know you can.  You’re the strongest person I know, and I won’t let you give up now.  You’ve survived so much already.  Don’t let this beat you.  Fight.  Please.”

“Why?  Why do you care?” Justin asked.

“I told you, I love you,” Brian informed him through a small smile.  “I’ll be there for you, Justin.  I’ll help you.  Take your frustration out on me, I don’t care.  You have to let it out, don’t let it overtake you.  Please.  Let me be there for you.”

Justin closed his eyes, overcome with emotion, and Brian felt himself start to lose control.  “I don’t know if I can.  I’m so fucking scared, Brian.”

“I know you are, baby.  I know.  I’m scared too, but I want to help you.  I told you that before, remember.  I want to help you; I want to be there for you.  But I’m going to need your help here,” Brian told him.  Brian wasn’t going to screw this up.  He had to get Justin to understand that no matter what, his disabilities didn’t change how Brian felt for the other man.  “Tell me something.  Do you honestly think that I care about this?” Brian said pointing toward Justin’s injuries.  “Do you?  'Cause if you do, stop it right now.  I don’t care about that.  That is not the reason why I love you.”

“Then why?” Justin asked.  

“Because you are the most persistent, loyal, kind, caring person I know . . . and no one adores me as much as you,” Brian said with a smile.  When he saw a small smile on Justin’s face he knew that he was getting through.  “And because you taught me so much, Justin.  You taught me that I could love, and be loved.  You taught me how to open up and let people in.  You fought tooth and nail to get me, and now that I finally am ready to give myself to you fully, do you think that I’m going to let you go?  Well guess again.  I love you, Justin Taylor.  I’m not letting you go.”

Justin just leaned into Brian as he moved further onto the bed to pull Justin to him.  “I don’t know if I can, Brian.  I don’t know if I have it in me anymore.”

Brian laid his head on top of Justin’s and held the boy closer to him.  “Then I’ll teach you, like you taught me.  It may not be tomorrow, Justin, or a month from now.  But I can wait.  I can wait for you to come around, and realize – like I have – that we belong together.  You can’t get rid of me now.  You’re stuck with me.  I love you, baby.  No matter what.”  Brian just continued to hold onto Justin as he felt the younger man shake with sobs.  “Let it out, Justin.  Let it all out.  Let me be here for you, like you have for me.  I won’t let you go.  I’ve got you,” Brian whispered to Justin. 

“Why?  Why is this happening to me,” Justin asked him turning slightly to look at Brian.  “Am I such a terrible person that I deserve this?  What did I do wrong to deserve this?  Why am I being punished?”

Brian looked down at Justin’s sad, questioning face, and knew that he didn’t have the answers to his questions.  “I don’t know.  I wish I did, Justin.  God, I wish I knew, but I don’t.  But you’re not being punished.  You did nothing wrong.  You hear me?  Nothing.”  Brian leaned in and kissed Justin lightly on his bruised and chapped lips.  He pulled away and took Justin’s hand into his own.  “I want you to do something for me.”

“What?” Justin asked, and Brian could hear the exhaustion in the man’s voice.  

Brian reached over and began to take off his cowry shell bracelet.  “I want you to wear this, okay?”

“Brian, no.  You never take that off.  Never.  I can’t take that,” Justin began to protest.

”Listen to me before you start getting yourself worked up.”  Brian heard Justin take a deep breath, and was silent.  “Okay, now I want you to wear this so that you'll know that no matter what is going on – no matter where you are – you'll know that I’ll be there for you.”  Brian took Justin’s right hand and gently placed it around his wrist, tying it securely.  “If you start to feel like you can’t take it, or you feel like you’re not good enough, or whatever, I want you to look at this, and know that no matter what, I love you, and I’m here for you.”  Brian watched as Justin looked down at the addition to his wrist.  “You can yell and scream at me all you want when it gets too much.  I can take it.  Just let me be there for you.  I’ll watch out for you.”

“Brian,” Justin began as he pushed himself further into Brian.  “Help me.”

“I will, Justin.  Don’t worry about that.”

“Promise me something,” Justin began.  “Promise me that you won’t let me hurt you again.”

“I don’t know if I can, Justin.  We’ll both hurt each other, but I promise you that we’ll work it out,” Brian said.  “No matter what, we’ll make it through this.”  Brian felt Justin begin to relax a little in his embrace and knew that this was just the first of many outburst that they would have to work through.  Justin’s anger and sadness at this whole ordeal was only starting.  “There are some other people here to see you,” Brian stated, and immediately felt Justin stiffen in his arms.  “But if you’re not ready to see them, I’ll tell them to go away.  I’m not going to force you to see anyone.  Well, except maybe your mom, but that’s it.”

Justin just shook his head.  “I don’t want to see them.”

Brian just nodded.  “Okay, I’ll tell them that they’ll just have to wait.  Okay?”

“Okay,” Justin said.  Brian could feel Justin start to slip away into sleep.  All the drugs that had been pumped into his body and the whole ordeal of waking up and learning the extent of his injuries had taken its toll on the young man.  “Tired,” Justin stated.

”Sleep.  I’ll be here when you wake up,” Brian said as he laid a kiss on top of Justin’s head.  

“Promise.”

“I promise,” Brian stated as he felt Justin lose his fight with sleep.  “I’ll be here, Justin.  You can count on that.”

******************

Brian walked out of Justin’s room to face the **_‘firing squad from Pittsburgh’_**.  He knew that they were going to give him shit for what he was about to tell them, but he had promised Justin that he would keep them away.  He walked into the small waiting room, and immediately noticed that the others had finally made it.  _‘I guess they cleared up the accident pretty well,_ ’ he thought with a smile.  He saw that Marsha was sitting there talking to them, and Brian just stood by the door so that he could listen in without interrupting.  “As I was saying, Justin has a lot to deal with right now, and it’s not just from this recent event either.  He still has a lot of issues still unresolved from when he left Pittsburgh.  He’s not sure that he can trust any of you, and he’s not sure if he is ready to face his past mistakes.  I’m not sure he’s ready to face those yet either.”

“Why wouldn’t he be able to trust us?” Michael stated, forcing Brian to laugh.

Brian walked into the room, and sat down next to Marsha and leaned his head back against the chair.  “Why the hell would he trust you, Michael?  Fuck, you were the one who betrayed him.”

“What?!  I did what was right, Brian.  He was cheating on you, you needed to know,” Michael angrily stated.  

Brian continued to relax in the chair, not wanting to get into this conversation here, but knowing that Michael wasn’t going to let it go.  He had gotten over his initial rage at the group for what they had done, or not done, to Justin during his final months in Pittsburgh.  However, he had not fully gotten over his anger.  Brian felt something being placed in his hand, and he looked up to see Marsha place a cup of coffee in it.  Smiling his thanks, he turned his attention back to his friends.  “Look, we all know that Justin was cheating on me.  That is not in dispute here.  But you could’ve talked to him about it.  You should’ve just let him handle it himself.  Let him know what you saw, and let him handle it in his own way.  But you had to play the hero, didn’t you, Mikey?  You just had to try and rescue me.”

“I did it because you’re my friend, and I care about you.  HE was the one who was cheating on you.  He’s at fault here, not me,” Michael stated, standing.

“Sit your ass down, Mikey,” Brian said.  When Michael sat back down, Brian took a deep breath.  “I don’t fucking care what happened, and frankly it’s over.  What I want to know is why none of you fucking bothered to check up on him after the break-up.  Why did all of you just blame him, and shut him out?”  Brian heard everyone begin to talk at once, and Brian raised his hand to silence them.  “That’s what I’m talking about.  You all just decided to take it upon yourselves, once again, to interfere where you should’ve just left well enough alone.  You all decided that Justin needed to be punished for _‘breaking my poor wittle heart’_.  Fuck that.  You were wrong.  No one bothered to even notice that he was suffering.  No one even bothered to try and talk to him.  So don’t fucking tell me what is right and what is wrong.  If Justin doesn’t want to see you, or deal with your shit right now, who could blame him?  Why should he have to face being judged by you again?”

“Bri, that’s not what we were doing,” Lindsey spoke up.

”Lindz, I know that you, Emmett, and Vic stood by his side, and for that I’m grateful.  What I’m talking about is you – Deb and Michael – sitting there and treating him differently.  And it wasn’t just the two of you either.  It was everyone.”  Brian placed the cup of coffee on the side table and leaned forward to run his hands against his face.  _‘God, I am tired._ ’  “Jenn, Justin says that he’ll see you, but he’s resting right now, so if you want to wait,” he said.  Jenn agreed to wait, and Brian turned to the others in the room.  “However, Justin’s not ready to deal with all of you yet.  He doesn’t want you to see him like this, and he just doesn’t want to deal.  I agree.  So until he tells me differently, you’ll have to wait.  I’m sorry if it seems unfair, but you should’ve listened to me when I told you to stay where you were.”

“Brian, how can he not want to see us?” Deb asked.  “We love him.”   Brian could hear the pain that his words had caused her.  He knew that Deb loved Justin, and that Justin loved her.  

“I’m sorry, but Justin’s my responsibility, and I promised him that I would do what he wants.  If he says he’s not ready, then he’s not ready.  I’m sorry,” he said honestly to her.  “You can see him through the glass, you can stay and wait it out, or you can go home, whatever.  But until he says that he wants to see you and talk to you, you need to abide by his wishes.”

“We wanted to see Justin,” Deb persisted.

“Yeah, well he doesn’t want to see you right now.  But did you listen?  No.  Once against you are butting in where you have no right to butt into.  You are trying to interfere . . . and this time, it’s not going to work,” Brian stared at them, daring them to say anything.  

Marsha let out a loud sigh, bringing everyone’s attention toward her.  “Alright, the important thing here is Justin.  Nothing else matters right now.  Not the past, nothing.  Justin is what matters.”  Marsha turned toward Brian and smiled.  “You know, you asshole, you never told me he had such a mouth on him.”

Brian smiled at her attempt to break the tension in the room.  He picked up his cup of coffee and tipped toward her.  “I can attest to that,” Brian said in his normal tongue in cheek manner.

Marsha hit him lightly on the arm, and shook her head.  “You are such a pervert, you know that?  You know what I mean, and it wasn’t that.”

“But it was a good attempt at distracting us, wasn’t it?” Brian said as he began to stand.  “Why don’t all of you head up to the house, and the rest of us will be up there as soon as we can.  Marsha, can you take them to the house, show them where to go?”

“Of course, but you have my number if he needs me,” she said, standing as well.  

“Well, it’s been real, but I promised Justin that I’d be there when he wakes up, so . . .”  Brian just turned and walked away, having had the last word.

****************

Justin had been awake for two weeks, and he still felt terrible.  Brian had been trying hard to get him to understand that his disabilities didn’t matter, but Justin was finding it hard to believe.  He had suffered two seizures, and every time he had one, the pain that followed was excruciating.  The drugs they were giving him to stop the seizures were making him sick, and he couldn’t take them with the pain medication.  Overall, life was terrible. Brian was with him everyday, and Justin felt guilty.  Most of the time, he treated Brian like crap, yelling, crying, puking all over him, and so on.  But Brian stayed.  He would hold him tightly against his body, telling him that he loved him, and that he was there.  He never said that it would be okay, and for that Justin was grateful.  It wasn’t going to be okay.  Not anymore.  His life had changed and he wasn’t sure where he was going to go from that moment on.  His only thought was that as long as he got through the day, he was alright.  He couldn’t think past a day at a time.  His head hurt, his leg hurt, and his hand was worthless once again.  

Brian had brought Kate over one day, when Justin was feeling low, and Justin found that he was still able to work.  He had felt before that visit that he would never be able to work for the firm anymore – hell he couldn’t draw, so why would they want him?  But Kate had brought a horrendous drawing that one of the other guys had done for an ad, and Justin had immediately told her what she needed to do to fix it, what would look right.  It wasn’t until Kate had left that he had realized what Brian had done, and he laughed.  Brian was doing things like that for him, without Justin even realizing it until after the fact.  Brian was the only one who hadn’t let him down.  He said that he would be there no matter what, and that he would help Justin.  Brian had followed through with everything he had promised.  This was the side that only Justin saw – the side that he had fallen in love with.  Brian would let Justin yell and scream at him, hit him – and he never once batted an eye.  He would look at Justin when the spell had passed and ask him if he was done.  Justin didn’t know what he would do without Brian there for him.  

When Justin would get sick, or depressed, Brian would crawl into bed with him and hold him until it passed.  When Justin’s anger showed, Brian would stand there and just look at him – taking everything that Justin could throw at him, every insult.  Even though Justin knew that emotional outbursts were a part of the whole ‘brain injury package’ he hated what he was doing to Brian.  Every time he would start in on Brian – he knew in the back of his head that it was wrong – that he shouldn’t be taking it out on Brian.  Brian was the only one who was there for him.  But somehow he couldn’t stop.  He just couldn’t calm himself enough to think about what he was doing – it would just all come out.  

His mother had been there for a couple of days, and Justin was grateful that she was gone.  Despite the fact that he loved her, he hated how she tried to hover around him, doing everything for him.  Brian would just tell him to do it himself, and only help if Justin wasn’t physically able to do it alone.  He knew that some of the others from Pittsburgh where there, but he just didn’t want to see them.  He saw Emmett, Lindsey, and Vic briefly, but he couldn’t stand to see the looks in their eyes – the look of pity.  He had enough pity for himself, and he didn’t need theirs to add to it.  So they came only that once.  After that visit, Justin told Brian that he wouldn’t see any of them anymore.  He just couldn’t take the looks they were giving him.  So they didn’t come back.  Justin didn’t know if they had gone back to Pittsburgh or not, but to him the farther away they were right now the better.  He wasn’t ready to face all of that right now, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would be.  

Justin knew that the doctors had told him that he’d be able to walk again.  He might need to use assistance, such as a cane, but they were hopeful.  Of course all Justin cared about was that he wouldn’t be allowed to put any pressure on his leg for nine month to a year.  That meant either a wheel chair or crutches.  Brian had joked about it, telling Justin that as long as his ass and cock were alright, things were okay.  Justin had to laugh at Brian’s technique for getting him to laugh about things – especially since he felt that there weren’t many things to be happy about.  

Justin looked down at his right hand, hating that once again his art career was in jeopardy.  The only positive thing about it was that Justin now knew that he could get through this disability.  He may never be as good as he was before the bashing or the accident, but he could still have his art.  He also knew that there would be times when he wouldn’t be able to hold a pen -- that was just all part of the package.  It was just another thing that Justin had Brian to thank for.  Lightly he ran his left hand over the shells on Brian’s bracelet.  Brian had given it to him so that he wouldn’t forget what he meant to Brian.  Brian would never realize just what it meant to Justin.  When he felt his worst, Justin would lightly run his fingers over the shells and remember Brian’s words ** _.  ‘I want you to look at this, and know that no matter what, I love you, and I’m here for you.’_**   Justin only hoped that one day he would be able to return that love again.  He hoped that one day he would feel worthy of Brian's love, and that they could start over.  He owed Brian so much.

Marsha had come by often to sit and talk when Brian was at work.  Their talks had also helped Justin.  Justin was glad that she was there for him, and that she had also been helping Brian.   They had realized that the missing memories of the prom may never return, and Justin was trying to come to terms with that.  She had told him before that the likelihood of Justin regaining all of his memories of that night was slim, and he had been working hard to accept that.  He also knew that with his current injury, any memories that might have been able to resurface were now lost to him.  He mourned their loss, especially the loss of his and Brian’s dance.  That was the one memory of the night he wanted most of all, but now it looked like it would never return.  

Marsha had also been helping him try and come to terms with his new disabilities.  She had been as much help to him as Brian had – both actually allowing him to believe that it wasn’t the end.  He was starting down a new path – a more difficult path.  She had told him that despite the bad things, he could turn it into something positive.  He could make his life, others' lives better.  This would make him stronger in the long run, and once he got past this – got past the initial shock – he would be much happier than he ever had been before.  Of course she had mentioned that it was already looking up ‘cause he had Brian there with him, willing to do anything for him.  This had gotten Brian to admit what he felt, and they now had a chance to make a life together in the future.  A chance that wasn’t allowed them before.  They were now equals, and that was what made the biggest difference of all.  

Justin looked up when the door opened and smiled when he saw Brian come in.  “Hey,” he said.

“Well, I see that you’re up,” Brian answered as he came over and kissed Justin lightly on the lips.  “So how was therapy today?  It did start today, right?”

Justin nodded and laughed slightly.  “Yeah, it did.”  He moved over so that Brian could sit on the edge of the bed, careful of his leg.  “It wasn’t too bad.  They think that for right now, I will have to use an electronic wheelchair, ‘cause of my hand.  I mean since it’s still weak, and will be for awhile, I can’t very well use crutches or a regular wheelchair.”

Brian picked up Justin’s hand and ran his fingers over the shell bracelet the same way Justin had earlier.  “I guess you can be giving me rides then,” he said with a smile.  “I’m sure we can come up with some uses for it.”

Justin just shook his head.  He should’ve figured that Brian would think of something sexual.  “I don’t know it’s kinda small.  It’d be a tight fit.”

Brian leaned into Justin and breathed in his ear.  “You should know how much I like a tight fit.”

“God, you are so bad.  Here I am, getting fitted for a fucking wheelchair, and you’re thinking about sex,” Justin laughed.  “I should’ve known.”

“Well, you know me by now.  I just can’t get enough of you.”  Justin just continued to shake his head.  Once again, Brian had made him laugh about the sadness of what was happening to him.  He had pulled Justin out of the edge of depression with a single comment. 

“What?”  Brian asked.

“How do you do it?”  Seeing the confused look on Brian’s face, Justin just smiled.  “Right when I’m ready to fall into a depression fit, you always seem to find something to say that makes me laugh.  I mean first it was the whole deal with me not being able to work again, and here you come with Kate, and make me see how stupid I was to think that.”  Justin watched as Brian turned his face to look at the far wall.  He knew that Brian didn’t want Justin to know half of the stuff that he had done to make it easier on Justin, but Justin wasn’t going to let it go.  “Then it was the medication.  I mean did you have to make the comment about Codeine, and how much of a bumbling, scared kid I was that first night.”  Justin saw a small smile play across Brian’s lips.  “How about when you said that as long as my cock and my ass are still in working order I’m good to go?  And let’s not forget all of the comments you made about sponge baths.  The list goes on and on.  How do you do it?  Why do you put up with all of my shit and still make me laugh about it?” 

Brian moved in to lay down next to Justin and pulled him against his chest.  “I told you that I’d be there for you.  Didn’t I?  What do you want me to do?  Run?  Leave you to fall into the abyss all by yourself?  Well fuck that.  I told you that I loved you, and that I’d be there for you.  Good, bad, or indifferent.  Trust me, you have put up with enough of my shit, that this is like a walk in the fucking park.”

“A dark, gloomy, and haunted park maybe,” Justin said with a smile as he buried himself further into Brian’s arms.

Justin felt Brian move away slightly, and pull Justin’s face to his.  “Never dark and gloomy.  I can agree with haunted; we both have our own demons.  But no matter what, we’ll be there for each other.  I believe that.  You should too.”

Justin turned away and rested his head back against Brian’s shoulder.  “I want to, Brian.  I really do.  I just see how I treat you, and I can’t believe that you’re still here.  I mean why?  Why do you stay when I treat you like shit?”

“Why did you stay when I did the same to you?  Why did you keep coming back to me when all I did that first year was treat you like shit?”  Justin just sat there thinking about what Brian was asking.  He knew why.  He loved Brian – always had and always will.  “When you love someone, you have to take the ups and downs, or else life would be boring.  But Justin, you need to realize that most of your outbursts right now are not because you mean them, you just have no control right now over them.  Things have been turned upside down for you, and your mind is trying to heal.  It’s natural for you to feel out of place, out of sync.  The smallest thing can set you off, and it’s nothing you can change.  I understand that, and I have learned to just let it pass.  You should too.”

“I’m trying, Brian.  It’s just so hard.  I don’t know what I’m doing, or where I’m going.  It’s confusing.  I mean everything has changed for me.  Everything.  And I feel like I’m just waiting for things to get worse.”  Justin placed Brian’s hand in his left hand, holding it tightly.  “I don’t know where I am, who I am.  I’m so confused.”

Brian placed his head against Justin’s and lightly kissed his temple.  “Things will get less confusing, Justin.  Things will start to look up.  It’ll just take time.  But no matter how long it takes, I’ll be there.  I can be just as stubborn as you are, you know.  When Brian Kinney wants something he gets it.”

Justin laughed.  ‘He’s done it again. Fuck!  How do I always walk into it without realizing it?’  Justin turned his face to look at Brian.  “So sure of yourself are you?”

“Sure of us.”  Brian kissed Justin on the forehead, and looked into his eyes.  “I love you.”

“I know,” Justin said, as he leaned back against Brian.

****************

It was time for Justin to leave the hospital.  He had been there a month and a half, and finally he was going to be going home.  Brian had moved in with him, and Justin was glad that he would have Brian there to help him.  He still had trouble getting around, but it was getting better.  He still had spells of depression, and he knew that it would be a long time before he would stop having them.  Justin knew that with Brian around, things would get better.  He would make it through this.  As much as he knew he shouldn’t right now, he found himself falling in love with Brian all over again.  The two would find themselves at night, when the hospital was quiet, just talking – something they didn’t do much in the past.  As their friendship grew, Justin also felt the pull of love tugging at his heart.  No matter what he felt for Brian, he knew that it would still take time before he felt worthy of that love.  However, he knew that Brian was going to wait for him.  He had seen the change in Brian, and it amazed him. Brian had told him that he hadn’t tricked in months – which shocked Justin.  He had thought that tricking was one thing that Brian wouldn’t be able to give up, especially since they were not a couple.  They had also been more communicative toward each other, telling each other if the other was doing something wrong, or something that had hurt the other.  

Justin knew that they still had a long way to go before they could truly be together.  They still hadn’t talked about the night that Justin had left, both leaving it alone until they were stronger.  There were so many things in their past that they needed to get out in the open and talk about, but Justin wasn’t ready to face the emotional pain that went along with those memories right now.  Someday, he knew he would be, but that time was not now.  

Today however, none of that mattered.  He was going home.  He was going home to the place that he was going to be sharing with Brian.  There would be no one here to tell them that they were doing something wrong, that they needed to do this or that differently.  They only had each other, and that’s what was important.  Justin knew that his friends here all loved Brian and stood by their relationship, or at least hoped that the relationship would blossom.  Their mistakes of the past didn’t matter here, and Justin found it liberating.  He knew that Brian had been feeling the same way.  They could be together, with no outside interference.  Justin knew that it wouldn’t take long for his defenses to break down, and allow himself to take what Brian was offering him.  It wouldn’t take long at all.  

He looked up as the door opened revealing Brian, Kate, Kelly, and Marsha.  He knew that Kevin and Mike had wanted to be there as well, but Justin knew that they had to work.  “Well, are you ready to leave this place?” Kelly asked as she moved to sit down on the bed beside him.

Justin looked up at her and smiled.  “You'd better believe it.  Trust me if I never see a hospital again, it’ll be too soon.  Once I get out of here, I’m never coming back.”

Kelly just shook her head.  “Yeah, well too bad ‘cause you still have to come here every other day so that they can check up on you.  That and you still have therapy, so you don’t get off that lucky.”

“Damn,” Justin whispered under his breath then looked up at her through his eyelashes.  He was trying to give her one of his most innocent looks, but he could tell that it wasn’t going to work.  “Fine, fine, fine.  I give.”

Brian pulled the wheelchair over to the side of the bed, as Kate grabbed his small duffle bag.  “Now that we got that settled, and you’re checked out, can we please get the fuck out of here?” Brian stated.

“Please,” Justin replied giving Brian his best puppy dog look.  “Can I go home now?”

Brian shook his head and helped Justin into the chair.  “Well everyone, let’s blow this pop stand.”  The four made their way through the halls of the hospital on their way to the awaiting car.  Brian pushed Justin to the side of the car, and Justin immediately noticed that ‘his’ chair was already secured in the trunk.  Shaking his head, he noticed where the car was parked, and turned to look up at Brian.  “What?”

“I see how it is now,” Justin began as he was helped into the passenger seat.  “You only love me for the handicapped sticker that will allow you to park closer to where you want to go.  You’re just being lazy.”

Brian buckled Justin into the seat, then leaned over and kissed him on the lips.  Justin pulled away slightly so that he could look into the other man’s eyes, daring him to say that he was wrong.  Brian just smiled and kissed him again.  “What can I say?  I have to save my energy with dealing with you.”

Justin noticed the tongue-in-cheek and lustful look that Brian was giving him, and he just shook his head.  “It’s always about sex with you.  Don’t you ever get bored?”

Brian pulled back so that he could shut the door, stopping only briefly to add his final comment.  “Bored with you?  Never.”

Justin just shook his head, and waved good-bye to his friends.  He began to realize that life with this ‘new’ Brian would never be boring.

  


INTERLUDE #4

_ Of all the things / I've believed in / I just want to _

_ Get it over with / Tears form behind my eyes _

_ But I do not cry / Counting the days _

_ That pass me by / I've been searching _

_ Deep down in my soul / Words that I'm hearing _

_ Are starting to get old / It feels like _

_ I'm starting all over again _

_ The last three years / Were just pretend _

_ \-- Goodbye to You – Michelle Branch _

__

Justin sat at the desk that had been placed in his living room, trying to get up the courage to make some phone calls.  Brian had moved the desk from its upstairs location to a section of the living room, in order for Justin to be able to use it.  Brian had made every attempt to make life as easy for Justin as possible, and Justin was grateful.  Brian knew that with the full-leg cast that he had on, it would be difficult to get up the stairs.  Hell, it was difficult for Justin to get around period.  Since he had gotten out of the hospital, Justin had tried to get back to life, like nothing was wrong.  Unfortunately that was no longer an option.  He was quickly discovering that his life would never be the same.  He was feeling trapped in his own home, unable to do what he wanted.  Brian was always around, unless he was at work, and Justin was almost ready to tell Brian to get out, and leave him alone for a while.  Brian wasn’t hovering, or babying him, it was just that Justin felt like he was holding Brian back in some way – not that Brian would see it that way, but it was the way that Justin was feeling. 

Since Brian was at work, Justin decided that it was time to contact everyone in Pittsburgh.  He had already called his mother, Daphne, and Emmett, and now he was trying to decide whom he would call next, if anyone.  Emmett had told him how the others had been disappointed that he had refused to see them while he was in the hospital, and that had angered him.  He had told Emmett that he had reasons for not wanting to see them, and he wanted to know what right they had to be upset with him.  He’s the one who was fucking crippled, not them.  He knew that he should call them, but he wasn’t sure if he could keep his anger in check long enough.  Justin’s emotions had been running wild these past couple of months, ever since he woke up in the hospital.   _‘Hell ever since last year,’_ Justin cursed.  Justin closed his eyes, and tried the breathing techniques that Marsha had taught him.  

Once he felt calm enough, Justin picked up the phone and dialed the number of one of the ones who he knew would be easy.  He heard the phone pick up, and smiled.  “Hello.”

“Lindsey?  It’s Justin.”

“Justin?  It’s good to hear from you.  Brian says that you’re home now?” Lindsey said, making it sound like a question.  

Justin could tell that she was trying not to sound sad, or show pity.  “Yeah, got home last week.  The doctor said that I should be able to return to work full-time next week.  So it’s going okay, I guess.  A little strange, different, but okay.  How’s Gus doing?”

“Gus is fine.  Of course he misses his playmates, but Mel and I thought that it would be good to visit you guys in a couple of months,” Lindsey stated.

  
Justin closed his eyes, willing his emotions back into place.  He had been working hard to try and keep them in check, and not let a little word or comment affect him, but it wasn’t easy.  Lindsey’s comment began a seed of anger within him, almost forcing him to yell at them to not pity him, that he was fine.  Luckily he was able to still that emotion for the moment.  “We’ll talk about it.  I’m not sure I’m ready for that.  Maybe some day, but right now. . . I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, whenever you’re ready.  We don’t want to force you into anything that you don’t want to do, Justin.  That’s not what we are trying to do.  I hope you understand that,” he heard her explain.  He was grateful that it was Lindsey telling him this, ‘cause he knew if anyone else had tried to say the same thing he would’ve lost it.  “We’re there if you need us.  Okay?”

“I know, it’s just that things right now are a little . . . difficult I guess,” Justin tried to explain.  “It’s just that I had heard how some people were upset that I didn’t see them when they were here.  I mean, fuck, what does everyone expect from me?”

“Justin, I can’t talk for anyone else here, but not all of us think that.” Justin closed his eyes, listening to what Lindsey had to say.  He could feel his emotions slip away from him, and he hated it.  He hated losing control, but he couldn’t believe all the shit that was going on.  “Know that Mel, and I understand.  As much as we can understand, anyway.  When you’re ready, we’ll be there, okay?”

“Okay, thanks.  Look I better go, I have a lot to do before Brian comes home,” he lied.  In truth, he just wanted to hang up before he lost it and blew up at one of the people who was actually trying to understand where he was coming from.

“Call us if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.  Thanks,” Justin said as he hung up the phone.  He hated it.  He hated losing control.  Justin knew that there would be no way that he could call anyone else.  No way he would be able to control his anger long enough to talk to them.  Justin opened the drawer to his left, and pulled out the medication for his headaches.  He knew that Brian hated it when he took them when Brian wasn’t there, but Justin didn’t care at that moment.  He felt a headache coming on, and Brian could just be mad at him.  He didn’t care anymore.  _‘Fuck ‘em,’_ he thought as he swallowed the pill dry.  

Justin reached over to the control unit of his wheelchair and began to move toward the bedroom.  He knew from experience that he would start to feel tired, and he decided that it would be best to already be in bed before the drugs kicked into his system.  His therapist had taught him how to move from the chair to other pieces of furniture, such as the bed or couch, without using his right hand too much, and without a lot of pain.  He moved the chair as close to the bed as he could, then lifted himself onto the bed, biting his lip from the pain in his leg, and weakness of his hand.  _‘Fuck, I hate this shit,’_ he cursed.  Once settled on the bed, Justin closed his eyes, hoping for sleep.

*************

Brian walked into the town home, and threw his coat into the small den.  He walked through the hallway into the main area of the home, and looked around.  He didn’t see Justin anywhere, so he decided to check in the bedroom.  Brian was worried that  Justin was still tired all the time, but he knew that if he mentioned anything, Justin would just get upset.  Justin had enough on his plate and Brian didn’t want to add anymore to it.  He knew that Justin had hoped that things could return to normal when he got home, but the realization that things would never be the same was frustrating to the young artist.  Brian continued to try and make Justin feel better, but he knew that most of the time it was a lost ‘cause.  Justin had so many issues that he was dealing with that Brian didn’t even know where to begin.  He didn’t even know everything that was going on.  He knew that it was time for them to talk about what had been touched upon the night that Justin had left.  They needed to talk about what happened those last couple of months that Justin was in Pittsburgh.  If Brian was going to help Justin, he needed answers.  He needed to know.

Brian walked into the bedroom and looked down at the sleeping form on the bed.  As quietly as he could, Brian stripped his shirt off so that he was only in his jeans, and crawled into bed with Justin.  He noticed Justin stir and open his eyes slightly.  “Hey,” he said as he brushed some loose hair from Justin’s forehead.

  
”Hey.  What are you doing home so early?” Justin asked as he stretched his sore muscles.  

Brian smiled down at Justin, and glanced over at the clock.  Justin turned slightly and read the display, turning back around and buried his head in the pillows.  “Oh guess it’s not really early.  You hungry?”  
  


Brian watched as Justin sat up in the bed, and moved over to his wheelchair.  Brian could see the pain etched in the young man’s face as he moved from the bed to the chair, but he stayed where he was.  If Justin needed help, he would ask him.  The last thing that Brian wanted was to make Justin feel pressured, and weak.  “Why don’t we just order take-out?” Brian asked.  Brian could see the little look that Justin had given him, and he knew he had to explain.  Brian knew that look – the **‘I can do it.  Don’t treat me like an invalid’** look.  “I’m just saying that I’m hungry now.  Not an hour from now.”

Justin just shook his head, and Brian knew that Justin had an idea of the real reason.  In truth, Brian had tried to do everything to make things easier for Justin.  Of course he had  tried to be discreet, but knew that Justin realized what was going on.  “Why don’t you order, while I try and get some of this work done that I brought home?” Justin asked.

Brian watched Justin maneuver the chair out of the room, and Brian could only close his eyes.  He hated to see Justin in pain, and he knew that the young man was experiencing more than his fair share of it the past year and a half.  He also knew that Justin was trying to put on a brave front.  Justin didn’t want anyone’s pity, and he was trying to show people that his disabilities didn’t mean anything, and that they didn’t bother him.  Brian however, knew differently.  He had learned Justin’s subtle signs – how Justin would flex his right hand to try and get the circulation back into it, the pain in Justin’s eyes when his leg moved in the slightest, or how his eyes would tightly close trying to ward off a headache.  Brian also noticed how Justin would always change the subject when talks would lead to something personal, whether it was something about the past, or what he was feeling now.  Justin was building a wall around himself, and Brian knew he had to get past that wall, and soon, before he lost Justin forever.

Brian walked out of the bedroom, and headed into the main living room.  He immediately spotted Justin sitting at his desk with a letter opener in his hand, glancing at the bills that had arrived.  “Fuck, do you believe this shit?  I can’t believe how much that time in the hospital costs.  Fuck!  How the hell did my mom pay for it?  I mean I know that I have good insurance, but . . . Fuck!”

Brain came and sat down next to the young man, and looked at the bill from the anesthesiologist.  “Well at least it’s all covered.  I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Still, I have to pay some of it.  The insurance doesn’t cover all of it, you know,” Justin said looking at Brian.  “Fuck it.  I’ll worry about it later.”  Justin threw the bill down on the corner of his desk with the rest of the bills, and turned to the work that was displayed on his computer.  “How was work?”

Brian stared at Justin, wondering about the line of questioning, but decided to go along with it for now.  “Not too bad.  You know how it is.”

  
”So did you order yet?” Justin asked.

Brian knew that there were times that Justin’s mind seemed scrambled.  Thoughts didn’t flow right, and he would jump from one thing to the next, and not even know it.  Brian had learned to just go along with it, and hope that he could keep up with the topics.  “Yeah, it should be here soon.”

“Good, I’m actually hungry.”  Brian stood and moved away to sit at the bar in the middle of the room, so that he could watch Justin from a distance without being obvious.  He pulled out the Wall Street Journal, and started flipping through it, all the while watching Justin out of the corner of his eye.  He could see Justin struggle with the pen for the art computer Brian had bought the last time Justin’s hand was damaged.  It pained Brian to see Justin so weak, knowing that the younger man felt useless.  Brian could hear the occasional curses coming from Justin as he watched Justin’s hand begin to shake uncontrollably, and he saw the lines of frustration begin to form on the young man’s brow.  _‘I wish I could make it right, Justin.  I wish I could make you better,’_ he thought to himself.  He felt useless.  Justin was in pain and unable to do what he loved, and there was not a damn thing that Brian could do about it.  

Brian heard the doorbell ring, and watched as Justin finally gave up on his work, obviously frustrated.  Brian got up and retrieved the food, and walked back into the dining room.  “Food’s here,” Brian said as Justin looked up.  They both sat in silence eating, but Brian could see the frustration still etched on Justin’s beautiful face.  _‘Maybe I shouldn’t bring this up now,’_ he wondered briefly to himself.  ‘ _No, the only way to move on is to get him to open up.’_   Brian had been worried about Justin’s withdrawal these past couple of weeks, and he knew that they had to talk, before they ended up where they were before Justin left Pittsburgh.  That would require Brian to do something that he never thought he would ever do – talk.  He would have to talk about his feelings, and things that for a long time had been buried deep within his psyche.  He’d do it, if it would mean that Justin would open up.  He needed the old Justin back, and this was the only way he knew to do that.  

When Justin had finished his food, he went back to his computer to try and work on the bills, and finish reading the mail.  Brian cleaned up the kitchen and made his way over to the chair next to Justin.  “Justin,” Brian said, trying to get the young man’s attention.  When Justin turned to face him, Brian almost changed his mind.  Taking a deep breath, Brian steeled his nerves.  “We need to talk.”

Brian noticed Justin’s eyes widen, and an eyebrow raise.  “About?”

Brian watched as Justin started tapping the letter opener against his right hand, and Brian tried not to grab the object out of his hand.  He knew that Justin suspected what he wanted to talk about and that he didn’t want to.  Brian just looked Justin in the eye.  “You know what about.”

Brian watched as Justin quickly turned away, and tried to move the wheelchair away from Brian.  “No.”

“Justin,” Brian quietly said.

  
”I don’t want to talk about it.  So drop it.”

“Justin, we can’t just drop it.  This shit has been sitting here like a fucking elephant.”  Brian hoped that he could explain to Justin the need to get things out in the open.  He noticed Justin begin to dig the letter opener into his skin, and Brian reached over, grabbed the object, and threw it to the other side of the room. “Now, fucking stop trying to hurt yourself, and get me to change the subject.  We’re going to talk.”

”No.  Okay, forget about it.  It’s in the past, and we can just fucking leave it there.  So forget it, I’m not talking about it.”  Justin began to get frustrated as he tried to get the chair to move, but Brian was standing in Justin’s way.  “Move!”

“No, not until we talk about this,” Brian said, standing firm.

  
”You?  You want to talk?  Well guess what, I don’t.  So move your ass so that I can get ready for bed,” Justin said trying to push past Brian.  Brian quickly picked up Justin from the chair and moved him toward the couch.  “Put me down!  Dammit, Brian.”

Brian carefully placed Justin on the couch, and sat down beside him.  “Now you can’t get away.”  Brian reached over to a very upset Justin, and pulled the young man’s right hand into his own.  Small droplets of blood began to stain the pale skin.  Brian grabbed the napkin that he had left on the table and placed it over Justin’s hand, hoping to stop the blood.  “Why?  Why the fuck did you do this,” he cursed.  

Justin just looked down at his hand confused.  Brian could tell that Justin didn’t even know that he had done it, and that frightened Brian even more.  “I don’t know. . . I didn’t. . . I don’t know.”

Brian reached his hand to raise Justin’s chin so he could look in the other man’s eyes.  He could see the confusion in his blue eyes, clouding them.  “It’s okay.”

“IT’S NOT OKAY!  Nothing will ever be okay anymore, Brian.  What the fuck did I do?” Justin asked, trying to turn his face from Brian’s grasp.

“Justin. . .we need to talk about it.”  Brian saw Justin try to deny it, ignore it, but Brian wasn’t going to allow it.  “Listen.  It’s the only way.”

“No,” Justin persisted.  He pulled away from Brian and sat back on the couch with his arms crossed defiantly.

“Fine, then you’ll listen to me for once.”

Brian heard Justin laugh, and shake his head.  “Yeah, like you’ve ever been one to talk, Brian.  This is a first.  Let me get the calendar so we can commemorate it in years to come.  Brian Kinney wants to talk,” Justin said cruelly.

Brian took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.  _‘It’s the head injury.  It’s the head injury.  He’s not fully in control,_ ’ he kept telling himself.  He always started this saying in his head whenever Justin started in on one of his mood swings.  Despite the fact that he knew it was from the injury, it still stung.  Justin could be cruel when he wanted to be, and lately Brian had taken a lot.  “Yeah, well you should.  Do you want me to hand you the calendar?” Brian said back at Justin, and watched as the young man just turned to gaze at the back wall.  “Alright, there are some things that we need to talk about, Justin.  When you left, the night you left . . .you said some things that I think we need to talk about.  And I don’t care if you acknowledge me or not, but you will listen.”

Brian noted that Justin didn’t acknowledge him at all, only the slight stiffening of Justin’s shoulder showed Brian that he was listening.  “Okay. . . Fuck!  Now that we’re finally here, I don’t even know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.  Let’s just drop it,” Justin said still looking at the back wall.

Brian took a deep breath, and released it slowly.  “Okay, you told me that I was always trying to fix you. . .Well I guess I was, in a way.  Did you ever think that I did it for the same reasons that you had blackmailed Kip?”  Brian saw Justin’s breath catch, and his shoulders stiffen even more.  “You blackmailed Kip, to try and help me. . . to save me – my job.  Well I was trying to do the same thing. Without your art, you feel incomplete.  I know this.  You would have never felt right unless you realized that it wasn’t gone – that you could still draw, and have that release.  Work is my release, yours is your art.  What was I supposed to do?  Let you suffer?  I cared about you too much for that to happen.”

“We should’ve talked, I know that now.  I got scared.”  Brian saw Justin turn slightly to face Brian, but quickly turn away.  “I was scared about what I felt for you.  I never had felt about anyone the way that I feel about you.  I know this now, but then . . . I was scared and I did what came naturally for me. . .I ran.  I ran from my feelings, I ran from you.  But I had counted on YOU to talk to me.  You were the one who had always kept me on the right path.  If I screwed up, you told me. . . and I don’t blame you for not straitening me out that time.  I know now why.  We both fucked up in that.  I should’ve realized then what I do now.  I look back on the things we did, and things that I refused to acknowledge then.  I now know that it wasn’t you, and I hurt you every time I forced you into it.”

“You didn’t force me into anything,” Justin’s quiet voice said.

“I did.  You thought that if you just did what I wanted that I would love you.  You were wrong. . . I was wrong.  There are a lot of things, Justin, that I did wrong.  Your birthday present for one. . .I knew I should’ve bought those flowers,” Brian said with a small smile.  When he caught Justin looking at him, confused, he tried not to get too excited.  ‘ _At least I know he’s listening to me, and not shutting me out.’_ “I almost did.  I had them in my hands and I almost got them.”

“Why didn’t you?  If you would’ve just shown me a sign, Brian,  I never would’ve left,” Justin stated in a pained voice.

“I know that now. . . as I said we both made a lot of mistakes.  I should’ve explained to you about the job thing, or hell, come after you once I found out you had already left.  But I didn’t.  I was angry . . . and hurt.  It’s funny how you can look on things now, and see just how stupid you were.”  Brian shook his head in disbelief.  “I know that you said you were too young to understand, and that Michael had told you that I would never change.  But Justin I was the one who was too young . . . emotionally, and Michael . . . Michael didn’t see what I let you see.  I had changed. . . I have changed.  Reluctantly, but I have.  You got me to change – kicking and screaming the entire way.  I fought it all the way, but I am ready now.”  Brian had to take a deep breath.  The last thing he wanted was to push Justin away by talking about starting a relationship again.  He had to take things one step at a time, and that would not be taking things slowly.

_ ‘Talk about diving head first into a shallow lake,’ _ he thought.  ‘ _A very cold, shallow lake.’_ He couldn’t breach that subject yet.  He couldn’t allow Justin to withdraw from him anymore than this conversation would already make him do.  Their ‘relationship’ would have to wait until Justin could trust him again, and that was the only way.  Brian could wait – he had to.  “I know that you must think that I fucked Mikey, but I didn’t.  I swear to you, I didn’t.  He was upset about finding out about Ben and me. . .”

“Which I blabbed,” Justin said closing his eyes.  

“He would’ve found out eventually.  Ben’s too good of a guy NOT to tell Mikey.   Anyway, I went there, told Mikey that if he wanted it . . . he could have it.  Fuck, I have never been so thrilled, so pleased to be turned down before.  I knew that he wouldn’t do it, but I had to prove it to him.”  Brian reached over and lightly touched Justin’s hand, running a finger over the delicate flesh there.  “I don’t see Mikey like that, but I had to show him that we were never going to be more than friends.  Luckily I didn’t have to follow through with it.”

“Would you have?” Justin asked, turning to face Brian.  Brian could see the pain in his eyes, and hated for causing Justin more pain.  “Would you have fucked him?”

Brain leaned his head back on the couch, and reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose.  “I hoped that it wouldn’t come to that.”  Brian sat there and knew that his answer wasn’t enough for Justin, and that the young man deserved more.  “I don’t know.  I’m glad that I didn’t have to find out.”  Justin only nodded and turned back to look at the spot on the far wall.  “Why didn’t you tell me about Sap?” Brian asked, needing to know.  “He didn’t rape you, did he?  I mean he didn’t get that far?”

Justin just shook his head.  “No, at least not physically.”  Brian looked at Justin with confusion, begging the boy to continue.  “I took a hit off of a joint, and snorted some coke, but I think . . . I mean I was okay until Gary handed me a drink.  I’m sure he slipped something into it.  I was totally out of it, and he led me back to one of the rooms.  I saw . . . one of the other guys was in a sling, and . . . I told Gary that I didn’t want to . . . I felt someone behind me holding me up, ‘cause I couldn’t stand straight anymore. . .I was totally fucked up. . . Anyway, I kept telling him that I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to,” Justin continued to relive that night.  Brian closed his eyes, hoping to release the anger that was brewing deep within him.  The problem was that he wasn’t sure if he was angry at Justin for putting himself in that danger, or at Sap for doing it.  He was shocked to hear a small laugh come from Justin, and Brian immediately looked up at the young man.  “When he tried to suck me off, I kneed him in the chin.  I got out of there as quickly as I could, and walked home.  Of course I heard him yelling at me saying that I chipped his crown, and that I was fired.”

Brian shook his head in disbelief.  _‘At least he got out of there without anything happening.  Thank god for that.’_   “You were lucky.”  Justin only nodded, and Brian looked at him with a new respect.  Justin had been able to get through the haze of the drugs enough to fight back.  He could only guess what was in that drink that Sap had given him, and it was amazing that Justin had been able to fight back.  “You are so strong,” Brian whispered.  He caught Justin’s quick glance in his direction as if to say that he was crazy.  “You are, Justin.  You are so fucking strong, that you don’t even realize it.  You could’ve been seriously hurt, but you fought back.  And it’s not the first time that your strength has come out.  You stood up to your father, Hobbs, Michael, Deb, . . . me.  You are undoubtedly the strongest, bravest person I know.”

“I’m not,” Justin began.

  
”You are.  I know you don’t feel it now, Justin, but you are.”  Brian moved so that he was sitting on the table in front of Justin, careful not to move the injured leg that was resting on it.  Reaching out, he grabbed a hold of Justin’s hand and held it tightly in his own.  “You are strong.  A whole hell of a lot stronger than me.  I know that I haven’t always given you things or said things that you could hold onto, especially in regards to my feelings for you, and for that I’m sorry.  I should’ve been more open with you, I should’ve talked to you.”  Brian reached up with his other hand, and pulled Justin’s face so that their eyes met.  “You have been through a lot of shit these past two years.  Your dad . . . the shit that happened at your school, me . . . Hobbs,” Brian felt himself beginning to get choked up with the last thought.  

Brian watched as Justin’s eyes moved away from Brian’s to look over his shoulder.  “Please, don’t.”

“I know what happened with your dad, Justin,” Brian gently stated.  “He was wrong, in a lot of things.  He doesn’t realize that you are still his son.  I mean at least my old man never once said that he wanted me, so I can’t say that I understand what you’re going through.  I know that it can’t be easy for you.  I know it hurts.  No matter what my old man did, I did feel pain when he was gone.  I didn’t get to know him, really, until the end.  But you. . . you have years of wonderful memories. . . I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that he’s such an ass to NOT see what a wonderful person you are.  Some day, he may see that he was wrong.  I hope for your sake that he realizes it before it’s too late.”

“It is too late.  I don’t care about him.  My father is dead to me, just like I’m dead to him,” Justin said with little emotion, which scared Brian more than anything.

Brian hated to see Justin in so much pain, and he wished that he could kill Craig Taylor for what he had put his son through.  If the man could just see what a treasure Justin was – what a strong, loyal, caring young man that he had helped to raise.  But Brian knew that it might never happen, and he hated Craig more for taking away something that meant so much to Justin.  “No matter what, Justin, even if your father can’t get past his hate – you still have people there for you, who love you.  Don’t give up on us.”  Brain saw Justin nod slightly in agreement, and Brian breathed a sigh of relief.  “I know that you’re hurt ‘cause he never showed up when you were in the hospital either time.”

“Don’t,” Justin warned.

Brian reached over and pulled Justin’s chin so that their eyes could meet again.  “Justin, please.  I . . . I need to talk about it.  For the longest time, I thought I was to blame for what happened.  I thought that if I hadn’t shown up at the prom, then Hobbs. . . then it never would’ve happened.  I was wrong, I know that now.  YOU taught me that.  But Justin,” Brian said forcing Justin to look at him – to really look at him.  “You are not to blame either.  Not for Hobbs, and not for the accident.”  
  
Brian felt that Justin wanted to flee, and he would’ve if his leg hadn’t been in a cast.  “How can you say that?   If I had just left well enough alone, and not jerked Chris off . . . then bragged about it every chance I got . . . You can’t tell me that if I hadn’t done all of that, Chris wouldn’t’ve left me alone.”  Justin turned his face away from Brian, hoping to hide the tears that were beginning to flow down his face.  “If I had been paying more attention to what was going on around me. . . If I had just seen that guy coming . . . then Nate. . . “

“It’s not your fault,” Brian said, carefully pulling Justin into his arms, allowing the younger man to let the pain out.  “Chris Hobbs was – is – a closet case who couldn’t face the fact that he might have actually enjoyed being jerked off by you.  He couldn’t deal with the fact that we didn’t care who knew who and what we were.  He didn’t like the fact that you were not ashamed.  As for what happened to Nate . . . you couldn’t have known that something like that would happen.  By the time you would’ve seen him it still would’ve been too late.  No one blames you for any of it, Justin.  You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“How can you love me, Brian?” Justin asked him, pulling away slightly to look in his eyes.  “How can you love me when everything I touch gets destroyed?”

Brian felt his own tears come to surface at Justin’s pain-filled question.  “How can you love me?  How can you love someone who is as fucked up as me?  We don’t choose who we love, Justin.  It just happens.  I learned that. . . You taught me that.  Together we can get through anything, we just have to be strong for each other.”

Justin laid his head back down on Brian’s shoulder, and held onto him tightly.  Brian slowly ran his hand up and down Justin’s back hoping to calm the younger man.  There was so much more that he wanted to talk about, so much more they needed to talk about, but he knew that they would have to wait.  He didn’t think that they could survive if they let it all out at once.  They had time – time to work through everything.  Brian wasn’t going to give up.  Justin had been able to tear down his walls, now it was his turn to break down Justin’s.  They would work all of this out, and become stronger for it.  Brian knew that he had help in his new friends.  Together they would help Justin, and help him get through all of the pain. Brian knew that it wouldn’t happen overnight.  He knew that they would be working on this for years to come.  They both had things in their past that they had buried down deep within them.  But he also knew that they could get past all of the old hurt together.  

Brian felt Justin relax against him, and he knew that the young man was exhausted, and emotionally drained.  _‘Hell, I’m drained,’_ Brian thought to himself.  He had never been so open in his life.  He felt raw, but in a strange way, he felt more at peace than he had in a long time.  Brian carefully picked Justin up into his arms, and began to carry the young man toward the bedroom.  After placing Justin under the covers, Brian slowly crawled in next to him, and pulled the young man into his arms.  “Sleep, Justin.  Everything will be okay.  No matter what, I’m not going anywhere.  I love you.”  Brian placed his head on top of Justin’s and closed his eyes.  “I’ll be here for you,” he stated as he let his eyes drop, and sleep take over.

  


 Part 5:  It Matters to Me

__

_ so what will I do without you / who will I see when I close my eyes _

_ I can’t face another night alone without you here / ‘cause I can’t face the night _

_ without you here / sometimes you just can’t tell _

_ you are my paradise / the source of my desires I believe in you so much _

_ I’m waiting / here for your touch _

_ I need you by my side so with my dreams I can touch the sky _

_ I can’t live this way ‘cause this time I know / I cry alone _

_ I fear to cry here alone / so I’m looking for an angel _

_ I’m looking for you. _

_ Looking for an Angel – Laura Pausini _

__

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

Justin woke to a slight pressure against his side, and an arm draped across his mid-section.  Justin smiled, and bit his lower lip.  He couldn’t believe that Brian had been so patient with him in everything.  He knew that it must be hard on the man not to have sex, but he was willing to go without, because Justin felt he wasn’t ready.  _‘What did I do to deserve him?’_ he thought.  _‘Where did the Brian Kinney I know go to?_ ’  Justin just couldn’t believe the changes in the man that he had witnessed over the past couple of weeks – months.  Brian was everything that he wanted.  _‘So why can’t I give him what we both want?  Why am I so afraid?’_ Justin hated that he felt this way.  He felt that he was denying Brian something that the man deserved.  Brian deserved his love, and the showing of that love – but Justin just couldn’t bring himself to follow through with it.  _‘Of course it doesn’t mean that I can’t give him some release,_ ’ he thought with a slight smile.  

Justin gently touched Brian’s arm, and watched as Brain moved onto his back without waking.  Justin tried not to laugh as he thought about how much things had changed between them.  Not only was it Brian who had taken over HIS role in the relationship by being the strong one – the one who would talk – but it was also the little things that made Justin smile.  Even in bed they had changed positions.  Brian’s side, Justin’s side no longer mattered.  Brian often slept on the left side of the bed now, and Justin knew that it was because Brian was afraid to hurt him since all of his injuries were to the right side of his body.  Brian was being so considerate that it often brought tears to his eyes.  Justin couldn’t believe how much Brian had changed.  

Looking down at the peaceful look on Brian’s face, Justin had to smile.  He didn’t know when, or why, he got so lucky as to have someone like Brian in his life.  Brian had been so caring to him these past couple of months that Justin just couldn’t believe this was the same man that he had fallen in love with.  Brian had gone out of his way to make things easier for Justin, without Justin being aware it was happening.  It was the little things that Brian was doing that had made all the difference in the world to Justin.  He remembered all of the things that Brian had done for him while he was in the hospital, and it hadn’t changed a bit when they came home.  Brian would make sure that they had things to eat that wouldn’t frustrate Justin when he couldn’t use his hand much.  He would set things within reach of Justin, so that the young man didn’t have to try and get up out of his wheelchair.  So many little things that Justin knew he would never be able to repay Brian for.  All Justin knew for real was that he had fallen in love with Brian all over again, and he knew that it wouldn’t be much longer before he gave in and gave both of them what they truly wanted.

Grateful that he was able move around a little more, now that he no longer had the full leg cast, Justin slowly inched closer to Brian.  Trying not to wake the man beside him, Justin gently brushed his fingers across Brian’s cheek, down to his neck.  The skin beneath Justin’s fingers was as smooth and warm as he remembered, and the feel of it made Justin want the man even more.  He wanted to taste Brian; he wanted Brian to know that he was loved, and that Justin was glad to have him there.  Justin leaned in a little more and began to lightly place kisses on Brian’s neck, moving down Brian’s torso.  Justin knew that the movement was waking Brian up, but he didn’t care.  Justin would have to leave soon for work, but felt that he just had to be close to Brian before it too late.  He didn’t want Brian to think that Justin didn’t want him.  He was afraid that Brian would give up on him – on them, and Justin couldn’t let that happen.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want Brian – he did.  It was just that he still wasn’t sure that he was good enough for Brian.  But that belief was changing, and Justin knew that soon he’d be ready to show Brian just what he meant to him.  

Justin felt Brian’s hands lightly caress his body as he continued to kiss and taste his way down Brian’s body.  Justin lightly dipped his tongue into Brian belly button, and nipped the delicate flesh around the area.  Upon hearing Brian’s moan of approval, Justin continued his path until he reached Brian’s erect penis.  Justin glanced up at his lover over the head of his cock, and saw that Brian’s eyes were closed and mouth open slightly.  Brian was the picture of pure bliss.  Slowly he ran his tongue up the back of Brian’s cock, running it along the vein there, heading straight toward the tip.  Justin then ran his tongue along the tip, and was awarded with the taste of Brian’s pre-cum.  The taste of Brian only fueled Justin more – feeding his need.  He could never just have a taste of Brian, he needed ALL of Brian.  

Keeping his eyes trained on Brian, Justin took Brian into his mouth, while he ran his hand over Brian’s chest, teasing his nipples.  As Justin continued to move his mouth up and down Brian’s cock, he moved his left hand down Brian’s smooth body down toward the smooth sacs below Brian’s cock.  Justin heard Brian’s sharp intake of breath as he removed his mouth from the cock to take the sac into his mouth instead.  “Oh, god . . . Justin,” he heard Brian moan.  “Stop teasing.”

“Relax,” Justin replied, as he moved back to take Brian’s cock into his mouth.  Justin felt Brian’s tight grip on his hair as he moved up and down taking all of Brian in his mouth.  He knew that Brian wouldn’t last long as he felt Brian begin to stiffen beneath his hands.  As Brian came, Justin continued to take all of the man until there was nothing left.  

Justin moved up to rest his head against Brian’s chest, and smoothed his hands over his lover, calming him.  Brian pulled him up to his lips and hungrily kissed him.  As their tongues began to fight for possession of one another, Justin began to feel his resolve weaken.  Knowing that if he allowed this to continue any further he would never get to work, Justin pulled away a little and looked down at the lust-filled look in Brian’s eyes.  “I’d better get ready.  Kate will be here in twenty minutes to pick me up,” he stated with a slight hint of sadness.  He wanted Brian now more than ever, but he also knew that he had to get his bearings so that he wouldn’t give in.  He couldn’t.  Not yet.  

“Fuck,” Brian breathed.  Justin knew that the older man was more than a little frustrated at the whole thing, but Justin could only hope that Brian would allow him a little more time.  In fact, Justin had already begun his plans for their reunion, knowing that soon he would be unable to control his own needs and desires when it came to Brian.  He wanted to feel Brian in him, and that feeling was getting stronger as the days went on.  He was brought out of his thoughts as he realized that Brian was talking to him.  “Why the fuck are you going in so early?  It’s only 5 a.m.”

Justin slowly moved over to the edge of the bed and pulled his wheelchair closer so that he could get in. “Because Kate and I are working on the Anderson account, and we need to make sure that everything is set for YOUR nine o’clock meeting with the boss.”

“Fuck,” Brian cursed, as Justin moved the chair into the bathroom.  Justin heard Brian continue to talk to him as he began to ready himself for work.  “I never thought that you guys did so much.  I can say that I have a new respect for your department,” Brian said, as he came up behind Justin to look at the younger man in the mirror.  

Justin smiled up at Brian in the mirror.  “What?  Did you think that people like Brad and Bob did all the work?”

“No,” Brian said, as he lightly tapped the side of Justin’s head.  “Smart ass.  I just didn’t think that it was as much work as it really is.  I mean come on, what the fuck does the Art Department know about deadlines and pressure?”  Justin just threw Brian a look of disbelief.  “That was before.  Now I see what you guys do, and I have a newfound respect.”

“Oh, it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that it takes MY time away from YOU would it?” Justin asked with a smile.  “It wouldn’t be because I have to spend hours fixing the fuck-ups of people like the idiot twins in the other departments would it?”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Brian said as he leaned in to kiss Justin’s cheek.  “I was thinking about Kate.”

“Asshole,” Justin said with a smile.  Taking a deep breath, he knew he had to try and explain what had just happened between them.  He didn’t want Brian to think that it was something that it wasn’t.  “Brian. . . about before. . .”

Brian ran his hands over Justin’s shoulders, lightly caressing and massaging the flesh beneath his hands.  “Don’t think about it.  Hell, it was the best damn blowjob I’ve had in a long time,” he said with a smile.  “I’m not going to push you Justin, but don’t do anything that you don’t want to do because you think you owe me or anything.”

“That’s not it, Brian.  I want you . . . there’s not doubt about that.  It’s just that I’m not ready for more . . . not yet.  Do you understand?” he asked, looking into the deep hazel eyes in the reflection of the mirror.  “I just need to be sure of myself before we take that step.  I need to make sure that I’m not going to hurt you again.  I need to know that this is going to last, ‘cause I can’t go through what we went through those couple of months again.  I need to be sure that I won’t start to doubt you when some asshole comes around to tell me shit about you, or us. I just. . .”

Justin felt Brian wrap his arms around his smaller frame, and pulled him close.  “Shut up, will you?” Brian said with a smile.  “I understand, Justin.  I told you before, and I’ll tell you again: I can wait.”  Justin turned his head so that he could look directly into Brian’s eyes without the obstruction of the mirror.  He needed to be one hundred percent sure of what Brian was telling him.  “I love you,” Brian said, looking directly into Justin’s blue eyes.  “Nothing is going to change that, and I won’t allow anything to ruin it.  Not again.  I can wait.”

“It doesn’t make you frustrated?” Justin asked.

Brian gave Justin a small smile and laughed.  “Oh, I’m frustrated,” he said with a slight gleam in his eyes.  “Just so you know, when the time comes . . . payback is a bitch.”

Justin laughed and pulled Brian down so that their lips were close.  “I guess you’ll just have to punish me properly,” he said with one of his sunshine smiles.

“Believe me, you will,” Brian answered back as he placed his lips on Justin’s.  Pulling away he raised his eyebrow and ran his tongue over his lips.  “You’d better get moving if you’re going to be ready when Kate gets here.”

As Brian moved out of the bathroom, Justin could only shake his head in disbelief.  _‘What in the world did I do to deserve him?’_ he asked himself with a smile on his face.  Justin knew that for the rest of the day images of his ‘punishment’ would be running through his mind.  _‘Fuck, how the hell am I supposed to work with that running through my head?’_   Knowing that Brian had once again turned his slight sadness into a very vivid image of what was to come made Justin wonder what he was getting himself into.  Life with Brian would never be boring.

***************

Justin was sitting at his desk with Kate and Rick putting the finishing touches on the Anderson account.  Rick was one of the top Ad Execs of the firm, much like Brian was with Ryder, and the three of them had been discreetly declared the “Kinney Fix-up Team” by the others in the firm.  Justin had to laugh at the whole thing.  Most people in the firm were so afraid of Brian’s wrath that they had had to create a special group, just so that things wouldn’t be fucked up when they went up to the boss for approval.  Justin hadn’t witnessed the incident that had led to the group, but he had heard of poor old Marcus standing there getting ripped a new asshole by Brian, because the ad for a top account was . . . to say shitty would be an understatement, and had taken no small satisfaction from the mental image.  So it was decided that since Justin and his group had always produced high quality work that always – well almost always—passed the high end approval of Brian, they would take the responsibility for making sure things were up to “Kinney standards”.  It also helped that Justin’s group had been responsible for getting and maintaining some of the highest paying clients for the firm.  Of course Justin would never tell Brian any of this, but it was fun to pick on everyone else in the department.

Justin and Kate’s desks faced each other, which allowed a large space upon which to spread things out in front of them as they worked.  Kate was sitting down at her desk and continued to work on the presentation format.  The three worked well together, with Justin doing the art, Kate preparing the physical presentations, and Rick coming up with everything else.  Without Rick, Justin knew that they would be lost.  Knowing Rick had helped Justin understand what Brian had had to go through before he became a partner.  Rick was like a straight Brian.  They both had the same work ethic, which Justin was grateful for – he understood Brian , mostly – so he could work well with Rick’s outbursts.

As Justin and Kate were putting the finishing touches on the presentation, Rick came in the office, and sat down next to their desks with three coffees and box of Krispy Kreme donuts.  “Oh, god Rick, if you weren’t already dating Nichole, then I’d snatch you up in a heartbeat.  Coffee and Krispy Kremes early in the morning.  Gotta love it.”  Kate grabbed her coffee and a donut and began to eat, waiting for Justin’s final piece of the presentation.  “Justin,” Kate asked him with a small smile on her face, “aren’t you hungry?”

Justin looked up, grabbed the coffee, and returned her smile.  “I already had my breakfast for this morning.  Full of high protein goodness,” he said as his smile grew.  

Rick looked at the two with confusion, then as if a light suddenly light in his head he groaned.  “Please don’t tell me this,” he cried out.  “I have to meet the man in less than forty-five minutes, and the last thing I need to have in my mind is the thought of him receiving a blow job.”

Kate just laughed and leaned back in her chair.  “Come on Rick, it would be an interesting picture.  I mean he is hot as hell, and I can just imagine just how big he really is.”

“Will you please be quiet, fuck!  I mean, I respect him, I like him . . . but I just can’t think of my boss. . . fuck,” Rick laughed back at the two while Justin continued to sit there with a look of innocence.  Justin was glad that his friends weren’t bothered by the fact that he was gay, nor were they bothered that he was with Brian.  They all supported his relationship, or were for a relationship between the two.  Even Rick, who was god’s gift to straight Atlanta, was thrilled with the idea of Justin and Brian.  Of course he had often told Justin that he needed to teach his girlfriend how to give the best damn blowjob that a person could get.  Rick said that she was “lacking” in that area.  “Can’t we talk about this AFTER the presentation?”

“Why?” Kate asked.  “This is the best news that we’ve gotten in a long time.  Are the two of you really getting back together?”

Justin hit the print button on his computer, and sat back in his chair.  “We’re working on it.  I think we’re getting there – just a little bit at a time – day by day.”

Rick placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder, and waited for Justin to acknowledge him.  “I think that’s great.  The two of you deserve to be happy.  I mean hell, with what you’ve been through this past year, and what you said you’ve been through before – you deserve some happiness.”

“Thanks.  You guys have helped with it all too, you know.  I mean you have helped me see a lot of things that I wasn’t ready to face – and I thank you for that,” Justin told his friends.  They had helped him come to terms with a great deal, and helped him to be able to accept what Brian was offering.  Justin knew that with their help, and Marsha’s help as well, he and Brian would make it last this time.  They wouldn’t let Justin fuck it up.  “So anyway, have you heard about the new guy?”

“Yeah, what the hell was his name?” Kate asked.

“Matt something or another. . . I heard Chris talk about putting him with us so that he can quote learn the ropes unquote,” Rick stated – obviously not thrilled with the idea.  None of them were pleased with the idea of another in their group.  They had tried that once, and it had just messed up their rhythm and they couldn’t get things done.  The three knew each other so well that they could predict what each other was thinking and it worked well for them, and the firm.  When someone else came in everything would be thrown out of whack.  

“Great.  I hope they change their minds.  I am not ready for some new guy to come along and fuck things up.”  Justin placed his coffee on his desk, and shook his head. Reaching for the printout, he handed it to Kate, and then looked back at Rick.  “What would he be doing?  I mean we already do everything; what more could they add?”

“I think that he’s an artist, and Chris said something about giving you a hand.  I don’t know, I think it’s complete BS,” Rick stated.  Justin knew exactly why they had decided to bring another artist into their group.  Since the accident, his hand had been giving him problems again.  It was still really weak, and he could only work for short periods of time before he had to take a break.  It had added time to his work, but he still got the work done.  The computer that Brian had gotten him, and that they had purchased for the firm, worked wonders, and helped him a great deal.  Justin knew that his ability to draw without it was greatly diminished, but he didn’t think that he was so bad that he would need someone to ‘help him out’.  ‘God, I fucking hate being crippled.’

Kate continued to work on placing the final picture on the presentation board and shook her head.  “Let’s hope he’s not like Marcus.”

“You mean King Marcus,” Justin asked with disgust.  Marcus was the son of one of their top stock holders, and worthless as hell.  Justin and Marcus had gotten into a lot of arguments over things, and Justin knew that Marcus was definitely homophobic.  Marcus would do anything in his power to destroy Justin if he could, but luckily he hadn’t tried anything.  Justin knew that if he did, that would be the end of Marcus.   

Rick shook his head, obviously remembering his own confrontations with Marcus.  “No, I hear he’s not too bad.  He’s just a little green.”

Justin looked over at Rick and smiled.  “Well, we’re all green at some point in time.”

“Yeah, but some of us rise above that BS and prove in short order that we won’t take any shit from anyone,” he stated reminding Justin of the major account the three had landed shortly after Justin had come on board.  

Kate stood up, and placed the boards into a large carrying case and handed them to Rick.  “There you go, boss.  All set for your big presentation.”  Rick took the case and stood to leave.  “Don’t forget your protein,” Kate yelled as Rick began to walk out of the area.

“You’re cold,” Justin said with a smile.  

“Had to get him calm before the meeting.  You know how he gets.”

“Still that was mean,” Justin said shaking his head.  What he wouldn’t do to be a fly on the wall during that meeting.  He began to wonder if he shouldn’t have told Kate what he had done.  _‘Nah, let Rick try and cover this one up,’_ he thought with a smile.  _‘It will be the best presentation yet.’_

********************

Brian was sitting in his small office in the townhouse, going over some of the work he had brought home with him.  He knew that Justin was downstairs with the new guy, working on another account, and Brian tried to stay out of their way.  Brian wasn’t too sure about this new guy.  He knew that he was protective of Justin, but he wasn’t going to let anyone know that he was watching out for him as much as he was.  Brian had looked into the people that Justin worked closely with and determined that they wouldn’t hurt him, but this new guy had slipped through the cracks.  Brian hadn’t met him before he had been assigned to work with Justin, and Brian hated that he wasn’t in control.  Rationally, Brian knew that he couldn’t control everything, and he couldn’t always protect Justin, but it didn’t mean that he had to like it.  Brian was also smart enough to know that if Justin were to ever find out that Brian had screened his co-workers, Brian would be in BIG trouble.  Justin hated to be ‘protected’ and hated to have Brian try and control everything.  ‘ _Love makes you do the whacky,_ ’ Brian decided.  _‘I love him, and I won’t allow him to be hurt again if I can help it.’_

Brian was happy with how things were going between he and Justin.  Since the other morning when he had been awakened by a mind-blowing blowjob, he had been in a good mood.  They were getting closer together, and each night took them one step closer to a reunion.  Brian knew that Justin was still worried, but Brian was tearing down those walls, and making Justin realize that they belonged together.  _‘One step at a time,_ ’ he thought with a smile.  Brian had never realized that it could be more satisfying to work at a relationship than if you just took want you needed.  He knew that when they finally reached the point where they could make love again, it would be the best moment in his life.  Of course it wasn’t that Brian wasn’t getting frustrated with the whole thing; he would be lying if he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t.  He was extremely frustrated that he couldn’t show Justin just what he felt.  He couldn’t always put into words what he felt; he had always relied on actions and not words.  It did help however, that Justin had told him that Brian’s understanding showed him more than anything else could’ve.  So Brian would wait, and take frequent cold showers.  _‘But dammit, when it comes time, Justin’s going to know. . . all the teasing these past couple of months . . ..’_ Brian smiled thinking of his ‘revenge’.  Justin would never be able to doubt anything after what he had planned for the young man.  

Brian stood and made his way down the stairs toward the kitchen.  Neither Justin nor Matt looked up at him as he stood there in the kitchen watching them, listening.  Brian tried not to laugh at what he was hearing between the men, and wondered if Matt knew about him and Justin.

“What is it with him anyway?  I mean, I heard how he blew up at Chris and Vinny.  What is it?  Is he always that much of an ass?” Brian heard Matt ask Justin.  Brian leaned on the counter to listen to what Justin’s answer would be.  

“Brian’s just a complicated man,” Justin replied.

“Brian?”

Brian watched as Justin shook his head.  “Mr. Kinney,” he said in reply.  “He worked hard to get where he is today, and he won’t settle for second best.  He only wants the best, and he won’t let you do second class work.  Brian. . . Mr. Kinney is a perfectionist.  Don’t fuck with him; don’t screw him over, do your best work and things will go smoothly.  The thing with Chris and Vinny was that Bri. . . Mr. Kinney knew that they could’ve done a much better job then what they had done. They tried to snowball him.”  Brian watched as Justin looked Matt right in the eye.  “Don’t try to pull one over on him.  Don’t try to think that you’re smarter than he is. You won’t succeed.  He’s smart, and knows when someone is trying to pull one over on him.  As long as you work hard and do your best, things will be okay.  Don’t forget that.”

“Jeez.  He just seems a little untouchable.  I mean he can be a major asshole from what I heard,” Matt stated, causing Brian to raise his eyebrows at the statement.  Brian knew that he shouldn’t be listening in on the conversation, but he was grateful for the insight of what his workers thought of him.

Justin shook his head, and laughed.  “Yeah, he can be.  But he knows the deal and how to handle people like clients.  He’s good at what he does, and everything that we do reflects directly on him and Vance.  If we fuck up, then it makes them look bad.  If you want to stick around this job for a while, you make them look good.  It’s as simple as that.”  Justin picked up his pen and began to work on the art in front of him on the computer screen.  

“Still. . .”

“No ‘still’. . . You have to know the game.  Follow the rules, and things will go smoothly for you.  This is a cutthroat business, and if you can’t keep up, you’re dead.  Brian knows this and he’ll do whatever he needs to do to be on top,” Justin stated.  Brian smiled at Justin’s words.  Brian could hear the pride and respect in Justin’s words, and it made him feel good that Justin understood how he was.  Knowing that Justin truly understood him and what made him tick made Brian love the young man even more.  

Matt shook his head, and looked at Justin.  “Why do you keep calling him Brian?”

Brian saw Justin pause in his work, thinking of how to reply.  Brian decided that he would take the pressure off, and maybe show this new guy just what the stakes were, he made his way over to the two men.  Pretending that he hadn’t been listening in, Brian leaned in and gave Justin a light kiss on the head.  Brian wasn’t afraid of outing him to the new guy, since Justin had informed him that he had told Matt from their first meeting that he was gay.  Justin didn’t want any problems with anyone, and wanted to be upfront with people.  HE didn’t want to work with someone who would treat him differently, and Brian respected Justin for that.  “Hungry boys?” Brian asked with a smile, when he saw the shocked look on Matt’s face.

“Brian you are such an ass,” Justin said with a smile.  “Matt, Brian. . .Brian, Matt.”  
  


Matt just looked up at Brian then to Justin and back up to Brian.  “You two. . .”  
  


“Yep,” Justin stated.

“But . . .”

Brian just stood there with a smile on his face, loving the confused look on the man’s face.  Justin just shook his head, knowing that Brian was loving playing with the man, and took pity on him.  “Brian and I have known each other for years . . . Long before either one of us came here to Atlanta.  So don’t mind him, he’s just being a pain, as usual,” Justin stated with a smile on his face, looking up at Brian.

“Twat,” Brian replied lightly tapping Justin’s head.  “Ruin all my fun.”

“You have enough fun,” Justin stated with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean, wow.  I heard Kate say something about this, but I just thought she was kidding,” Matt said shaking his head.

Brian ignored the comment and the look that Justin was giving him, and shook his head.  “So, you two hungry or what?”

**************

After Matt left, Brian and Justin sat down on the couch and relaxed.  It had been a hard couple of days for the two, and both just wanted to relax in each other’s arms.  “When is your next appointment with Marsha?” Brian asked as he ran his finger along Justin’s wrist, under the cowry shell bracelet.

“Tomorrow,” Justin replied, leaning against Brian and resting his head on the man’s shoulder.  “I think she said something about going to ‘her office’,” he said with a small smile.  

Brian nodded, and held Justin closer to him.  “I like her office.  Now if I could have one of those types of offices then maybe everyone wouldn’t think me such an asshole,” he said with a smile.

Justin just laughed slightly at the remark.  “Don’t think that would happen.  You’d still be an asshole.”

“Hey,” Brian said, pretending to be hurt.

“You know that with your little . . . okay huge, perfectionist streak, you can’t be all nice to people who fuck up.  You have to be the strong arm,” Justin explained.

“True, but you love me for it.”

Brian felt Justin nod as the young man began to doze off slightly.  “Yeah, I do.”

“So how about we go away for New Year’s?”  Brian had been talking to Kate and Kelly and the three had decided to take a trip to the ocean for New Year’s.  It would be all of their friends getting together for a ‘fresh start’.  Kelly had told Brian that she had wanted to get away with everyone that meant something to her, so they could put this past year behind them and start fresh with what really mattered – their friendship.  Brian was hard pressed to disagree.  There were a lot of things this past year that he would like to forget, and put behind him, but the one thing that he didn’t want to forget was lying in his arms.  The two had made great strides these past couple of months in their relationship, and Brian had wanted to put the bad things behind them and concentrate on what was important to him – Justin.  

Justin looked up at Brian.  “Where would we go?”

Brian explained to Justin about Kelly’s plan, and what he wanted for himself that night.  “New Year’s is supposed to be the night of new beginnings,” he said finally.

“We can’t get away from our past, Brian.  It’s a part of us,” Justin stated.

  
”I know that, but we can move past it, move forward.”  
  


Justin sat back in Brian’s embrace, and thought about what Brian was asking.  He knew that he wanted what Brian was offering almost as much as Brian himself.  “Yeah,” he said finally.  “Let’s go away.”  Brian could feel his heart swell with the knowledge of what was being offered.  Justin was ready to let go, and it was the greatest gift that Brian could ever ask for.

“You sure?” he asked, wanting Justin to be sure in his decision.

  
”Yeah, I think I am.”

**************

Justin sat in his wheelchair looking out over the vast mountainside, taking the peace he felt there into his soul.  “What do you want out of this trip, Justin?  What do you want to happen?” Marsha asked him from her spot next to him.

Justin looked out, thinking of his answer.  He knew that he couldn’t lie to Marsha; she had always been able to see right through him.  She had helped him a lot with things and with coming to terms with himself and with Brian.  She had helped them both get to where they were now, talking to both of them and letting them get things out in the open.  She would never tell him what Brian had said, and visa versa, but she had allowed each one to be more open, and allowed them to be able to express things to one another that they wouldn’t have been able to before.  They both owed her a great deal.  “I want to move forward.  I want to try and begin to put the past behind us.  I want to . . . not forget really, but . . . I don’t know, allow it to be a part of me instead of controlling me.  Does that make any sense?”

“Yeah, it does.  Right now, you feel like things are controlling you.  Things that you have no control over.  Your disability, your life . . .everything.  You want to be in control.”  Marsha placed her hand on his arm in order to bring his attention solely on her.  “And you’ve made great strides toward that goal.  The one thing that you feel you need to do, you’re working on.  Your relationship with Brian is what you are, who you are.  You’re working on your fears, and not letting them control you.  The fact that you’ve accepted this trip means a lot.  But Justin, don’t think that just because things are getting better between you and Brian, that you are finally able to allow him to be a part of you, doesn’t mean that you’re better.  You’re far from it.  We have a long way to go before you can really let go.”

Justin nodded.  “I know.  But I think I’m finally getting to the point where I can be open with Brian.  Really open.  You’ve helped me to see that, and he’s been a great help too.  I want to be with him, I want to make love to him.  That’s something I didn’t think I was going to be able to feel for a long time.”

“I’m proud of you,” she said with a smile on her face.  “But . . . I want you to know that even if you take this step, which I hope to god you do, it doesn’t mean that everything will go away; that all of your problems from before will just disappear.  You still have a lot of issues that you need to deal with on your own.  Don’t think that Brian can take it all away, ‘cause he can’t.  NO one can.  Only you can come to terms with everything, and we’ll be there to help you.  All of us.”

“I know, and I can’t thank you guys enough.  I was a fucking mess when I first came here, and you’ve helped me.  Thank you,” Justin said with tears in his eyes.

“That’s my job. . . as your shrink and as your friend.  You’ve come a long way, and I’m proud of you.  No matter what, I’ll be there for you.”  Marsha looked out over the mountainside, allowing them both to take in the calm that surrounded them.  “How’re the medical things going?  Headaches?”

“I still feel like shit most of the time, but that’s to be expected.  I still have blow-ups, too.  I hate that I can’t control it, but I’m getting better.  The doc said that it would be a little while before I can even resemble normal,” he said with a sigh.

Marsha knew that Justin felt helpless when it came to his medical condition, and she had tried to get him to open up.  She knew that he didn’t tell Brian half of the problems that he had, but she also knew that Brian knew that they were happening.  Things weren’t always perfect between her two friends, but they were getting better everyday, as Justin continued to heal and come to terms with his medical condition.  “It will take time.  Everything is getting better.  You’re coming to terms with your past, as is Brian.  That’s a big step in the right direction.  I hope you two can put some things behind you on New Year’s, but no matter what happens, we’ll all be there for the both of you.  I’ll be there for you.”

“You’re coming, right?” Justin asked in a pleading voice.

Marsha knew that Justin needed to have her there for him, and she wouldn’t deny him that.  She had promised that if he ever needed to talk, she would be there, and she wasn’t about to break her promise.  Too many people in his life had done that, and she wasn’t going to do that to him.  “Yeah, I’m going to be there.”

“Good,” Justin said as he looked out again at the mountain side.  “Good.”

“Besides, I have to hear all about what you have planned and how it turns out,” she said with a smile.

Justin turned to her with his own smile.  “I think I’m ready.  I think I’m ready to take the next step.”

“I know you are,” she said.  She believed it too.  Justin had worked hard to overcome his fear of not being good enough for Brian, and his fear that he would hurt the older man again.  They had worked on it together as a couple, which Marsha was grateful for.  They were definitely growing as a couple, and she was glad to see the two happy.  They both deserved to be.

She only hoped that it would make them stronger, and that no one would try to fuck it up between them.  She knew all of the problems that they had had in the past, and she wasn’t going to allow anyone to take this away from the two.  They deserved some happiness after the past couple of years that they’d had together.  They deserved to be together and happy.  They deserved each other.  She knew that New Year’s Eve would be the turning point in their relationship.  She only hoped that it would make their bond that much stronger.  She hoped that it would make it so strong that nothing would be able to tear them apart again.  Marsha knew that if it didn’t work out between them this time, neither one of them would survive.  She would lose both of them, and that was something that she would not let happen.  She would not allow anyone to destroy these two people who had become her family.  She’d fight to save them.  Brian and Justin belonged together, and no one was going to stand in the way of that happening.

That was her promise to them.

 


	4. IV

_ For All Time Interlude #5 _

_ You're the reason I believe in love _

_ And you're the answer to my prayers from up above _

_ All we need is just the two of us _

_ My dreams came true because of you _

_ From this moment as long as I live _

_ I will love you, I promise you this _

_ There is nothing I wouldn't give _

_ From this moment _

_ I will love you as long as I live _

_ From this moment on _

_ From This Moment by Shania Twain _

# 

# 

** Monday December 30, 2002 **

Brian came into the town, home after loading up the jeep, and walked into the bedroom to check on Justin.  The rest of the gang was supposed to be there shortly, so that they could all go away for a couple of days.  Brian had talked to Kelly and Kate, setting things up, hoping that he and Justin could finally put the past behind them and move forward.  Brian had made big plans for the two of them, and he worried that he wouldn’t be able to fulfill those plans.  The other thing that had Brian worried was that he had hopes of not screwing things up with Justin.  No matter how many times Justin said that he was afraid of ruining things between them, Brian wasn’t so sure that he himself could stay strong in the relationship.  

Brian hated that feeling of dread, and he hoped that things would work out between Justin and him.  He knew that he wouldn’t be able to live his life without Justin, and he knew that the young man felt the same way.  He couldn’t however, get rid of that slight bit of fear when he thought about them – no matter how irrational it was.  Justin had mentioned it to him before, and he blew it off then, but now he was beginning to wonder if Justin was right.  **_“Every time things start getting good in my life. . . every time that I think that things are perfect, something comes a long and fucks it up,”_** Justin had told him.  Brian could only hope that he was wrong – that things wouldn’t get fucked up this time.  He didn’t think he could survive it again, but more importantly, he didn’t think that Justin could survive it again.  

Shaking the maddening thoughts away, Brian walked into the bedroom, and spotted Justin sitting by the window looking out toward the backyard.  Seeing Justin just sitting there with the light reflecting off of his golden hair, Brian knew that no matter what, he would fight to ensure that this man was in his life for a long, long time.  “No, Daph it’s not like that. . . You’re such a freak. . . yes. . . Oh god, don’t tell me, I don’t wanna know. . . Really, that’s cool . . . So is it serious? . . . Not answering that one . . . I don’t know yet, but ask me again after the New Year. . . Yeah, I think so. . .”  Brian smiled as he sat down on the corner of the bed to watch Justin.  He knew what the younger man was currently discussing with his long-time friend, and just thinking about the week ahead brought a smile to his face.  The two men were definitely going to try and put the past behind them this week, and try to move forward _.  ‘Just don’t let me fuck it up,’_ Brian thought, feeling the fear come back.  

“Okay, I’ll call you next week. . .Later, Bye,” Justin finished, and Brian felt Justin next to him.  Looking up, Brian smiled at the young man as he reached for Justin’s hand.  

“So, you ready to get out of here?” Brian asked as he began to rub his fingers lightly across Justin’s knuckles.  

Justin reached across the distance with his other hand, and began to pull a not very reluctant Brian closer.  “Yeah,” he whispered as their lips met in a light kiss.

Pulling back, Brian looked deep in Justin’s blue eyes, and smiled.  “Well then, Sunshine, let’s get moving.”  Brian followed Justin out of the house, ensuring that everything was locked up, and the alarm was set.  “You sure you don’t want to stay here and watch the ball drop?”

Justin turned slightly to Brian with a smile on his face, which caused Brian’s heart to beat rapidly in his chest.  “You’re in Georgia, Brian.  Here we have the Peach Dropping.”

“The what?” Brian asked, confused, as he helped Justin get into the car.  “What the fuck is that, and where would they have it?  I haven’t seen anything like that around here.”

Justin laughed as Brian hooked up the seatbelt.  Brian felt Justin lean forward to give him a kiss on the cheek.  Turning his head so that he could get a real kiss, Brian saw the large ‘sunshine’ smile that played on his lover’s face.  “The peach is at the Underground, and it’s the Atlanta thing to do.  Don’t you know anything?” Justin said with a smile.

Brian could only shake his head and close the door.  After placing the wheelchair in the jeep, he walked over to the driver’s side and got in. “Don’t be a twat.  I wasn’t raised in the South, and I can honestly say that I don’t understand half of the shit that these damn southerners do,” he said with a slight smile playing on his lips.  

Justin looked over at Brian and shook his head.  “You’re just a damn yank,” Justin said playfully.  “But I still love you.”  Brian stole a quick glance at Justin before starting the jeep.  He tried not to get too excited about Justin’s words, since it was the first time that the young man had said them to him in a long time.  _‘I love you,_ ’ played over in Brian’s head as he pulled out onto the street.  He could only hope that after this little trip, Justin would be able to say those very words to him more often.  He could only hope that after this week, the two would truly be together in every way possible.  _‘Only time will tell,’_ he thought with a smile _.  ‘Just don’t let me fuck it up.’_

******************

After driving for hours, the two finally pulled up to an old Bed and Breakfast overlooking the beach.  Justin looked out at the scenery, watching the waves crash against the rocks and sand.  He was glad that he had brought his sketchbook with him, ‘cause he wanted to capture the way the sun was playing across the water, leaving it a dark purple in color, and the pristine white rifts crashing against the rocks spraying the landscape with water.  He only hoped that his hand would hold off getting tired long enough for him to get some pictures done.  In the past couple of months, Justin had been working hard on trying to get the use of his hand back, and he had been somewhat successful.  He could now draw for a least a half an hour before he had to take a break.  It was no where near what he used to do, but it was a start. 

Brian had brought the wheelchair over to the side of the car, and Justin wished he had been able to use the crutches.  Of course with his hand being as weak as it was, he had a hard time keeping his right side steady.  Justin remembered when he had tried the crutches at therapy last week, and remembered how he had almost fallen flat on his face.  He hated being so helpless, and no matter how long it had been, he was no where near where he was before.  Justin knew that he couldn’t expect a one hundred percent recovery, but he would he happy to be close to what he was after the bashing.  Hell, he couldn’t even remember when he had been 100%.  _‘When was the last time I  lived without pain?  When was the last time I didn’t have the shakes?’_ he asked himself.  _‘Back in May of 2001 . . . before Hobbs,_ ’ he realized.  _‘I’m not even twenty and I’m totally fucked for the rest of my life.  But at least I have Brian,’_ he thought with a smile.  Justin was grateful, eternally grateful that Brian was with him – that they were working on their relationship.  He knew that without Brian he wouldn’t survive.  When that thought came to his mind, Justin halted for a brief second.  _‘Should I tell him about that?  Should I tell him about what I did?’_ he wondered.  Justin was scared at the thought.  He hadn’t told anyone about what happened to him, or what almost happened to him – what he had almost done.  If it hadn’t been for Marsha, he knew he wouldn’t even be here today.

Justin knew he would have to talk to Marsha during these next couple of days.  If he and Brian were going to take the next step in their relationship, he would have to let go of the past.  He had promised himself that he would tell Brian everything in time – that he would hold nothing back from the man he loved.  He only hoped that Brian wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

“You seem deep in thought,” Brian whispered in his ear.

Justin turned quickly to Brian and forced a smile on his face.  “Just thinking.”

“About?”

Justin took a deep breath, knowing that now was NOT the time to tell Brian the whole truth.  He would have to wait.  “I was thinking about trying to draw the view here.  I hope my hand holds out,” he informed Brian.  _‘It’s not an entire lie,’_ he rationalized.

Brian kneeled down and grabbed a hold of Justin’s right hand, gently massaging the delicate flesh.  “It’s getting better, and I’m sure if you keep at it, you’ll be able to draw all day long again,” Brian said as he was looking down at Justin’s hand.

“I know that. . . it’s just frustrating, that’s all.  But even if it takes me all week, I’m going to get this drawing done,” Justin replied with a small smile.  

Justin caught Brian’s look, and laughed.  “All week?”

“Well, when I am not busy doing other things,” Justin stated as he pulled Brian’s hand up to his lips.  Kissing the top lightly, Justin looked into Brian’s dark, hazel eyes.  To Justin, Brian was a gift from the gods.  He was good-looking, kind, loyal; all the things that Brian had said he admired in Justin, Justin saw in the older man.  Although, Brian didn’t want many people seeing that side of him, Justin knew that it was there, and had been on the receiving end of that side on many occasions.  Justin still could not believe that Brian wanted him.  The other man could have anyone he wanted – he had proven that for years – but he had chosen this young kid to be his partner.  Knowing that he had caught the infamous Brian Kinney of Liberty Avenue caused Justin’s heart to swell even more.  

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin fully on the lips, tracing his tongue across Justin’s lips.  Justin reached up and grabbed hold of Brian’s head, pulling him closer to him, deepening the kiss.  Justin knew both in his heart and in his mind that this was the right time, that he was ready to take the final step.  Justin began to feel everything fade away as he became lost in the feel of Brian’s mouth on his.  As Brian began to run his hands down Justin’s arms, both men were shocked out of the moment by a sudden chilling rain storm.  Looking up, Justin saw Kelly standing there beside Kate with a bucket at their sides.  “Get a fucking room,” Kelly said with a large smile on her face, waving her bucket at her side.  

Justin immediately buried his face in his hands, turning a bright shade of red, as he felt Brian pull away.  Looking up, he watched as Brian stood and faced off with Kelly, with an evil glint in his eye.  “Kelly,” he said with a grin.  Justin knew what that look meant, for he had seen that menacing look many times over the past two years.  All Justin knew was that Kelly and Kate were in BIG trouble.  He knew that even if Brian didn’t get the two women back now, their days were numbered.  Brian’s paybacks were legendary.  

“Yes, Brian?” she said, backing up from the man with a smile on her face.

“Come here,” he playfully said as Kelly continued to back away from him.  “Kelly?”  

“Later,” she said as she ran, with Brian following closely behind.  Justin watched as Brian caught up with her, picked her up, and carried her toward the ocean.  “Brian!  Let me down, you big ass.”

Brian smiled up at where Justin was and Justin knew what was going to happen.   Feeling sorry for his friend, Justin just watched as Brian threw her into the cold ocean water.  “I knew that was going to happen,” Justin said to Kate standing by him.  “You might want to high-tail it out of here too, unless you want to be next.”  

“Right,” she said as she turned quickly and ran into the house.

Brian walked back up to Justin and resumed his previous position in front of the young man.  “Now,” Brian breathed against Justin’s skin.  “Where were we?”

Justin leaned back a little to look into Brian’s eyes.  “I think we were going to head in and get settled,” Justin said, instantly hating the fact that it came out of his mouth at all.  All he wanted at that moment was to continue making out, but he knew that if he continued, he would not be able to stop.  If Kelly hadn’t dumped the water on them, who knows what they would be doing now?  Justin didn’t even think that they would’ve made it into the house, and as much of an exhibitionist as he was – he wasn’t ready to show all of his friends Brian’s ass.  He wanted their first time to be for them only – not on display.  No, when they did make love again, it would be in the privacy of their own room – alone.

Brian laid his head on Justin’s lap, and sighed.  Justin could only run his fingers gently through Brian’s silky hair.  “Room, right,” Brian said.  When Brian looked up however, Justin could see the mischievous, well-known look in his eyes.  “We’ll definitely be more comfortable.  Come on,” Brian said standing and grabbing their bags.  Justin could only look at his lover and shake his head as he followed Brian into the house, maneuvering the chair through the hallways toward their single room in the back of the building.  When Justin entered, he felt the breath leave his body.  There was a window facing the ocean, large canopy bed, and on the table close the bed a dozen red roses.  Justin went over to the roses, and picked up the card in front of the vase.  **_‘To New Beginnings.  I love you, B’_** it read.  Justin could feel the tears begin to gather behind his eyes.  Justin felt Brian wrap his arms around Justin’s shoulders.  “You like ‘em?”

“I love them,” Justin said with a smile on his face.  Justin turned his head so that he could face Brian, and reached up his hand to caress Brian’s cheek.  “I love you,” he said as he leaned across the distance to kiss Brian.  “Thank you.”

Brian pulled back so that he could look into Justin’s eyes, and Justin hoped he could see the love that he knew was there.  He hoped that Brian knew how he felt about him, the same way he could tell how Brian felt about him.  “They should be getting dinner ready.  Hungry?”

Justin leaned his forehead against Brian, realizing that Brian was giving him a chance to back out, and for that he was grateful.  “Aren’t I always?”

“Let’s go,” Brian said, as he stood and moved away from Justin.  “Rick and Kate are planning a small bonfire down by the water tonight.  It should be fun.”

“How the hell am I supposed to get down there,” Justin asked with a slight smile on his face.  He knew that no matter what, he would be there, sitting by the fire with his friends.  They would all ensure that.  But he still felt the pang of sorrow that he couldn’t do it on his own, that he would be unable to walk down the beach with Brian.  He would be unable to feel the soft sand beneath his feet, as he walked hand in hand with the man that he loved with the waves crashing into them.  Justin wanted nothing more than to do just that, but he knew that it wouldn’t happen . . . not for a long time.  

Justin caught Brian looking at him, and instead of pity that he would’ve gotten from anyone else, he could only see the love reflecting in the man’s eyes.  “Don’t worry about a thing, Sunshine.  You’ll be there.”

“Somehow I don’t doubt that, Brian.  I don’t doubt that at all,” Justin said as the two began to head down to the small dining room.

*******************

After dinner Justin and Marsha excused themselves.  The two went out of the house and began to move down the sidewalk heading toward town.  “How have things been these past couple of days?” she asked as they reached a small café and ordered a cup of coffee.

Justin only shrugged slightly.  “They’ve been going pretty good.  I still can’t believe that this is happening – that Brian is being so considerate.  Since he came back into my life, he’s changed.  I’ve had to get to know him all over again.  It’s strange.”

“Good changes though?”

Justin placed his thumb by his mouth, and began to chew slightly on the nail.  He ran through his head everything that Brian had done for him these past couple of months, and tried to compare that to the Brian that had pushed him away.  He couldn’t even begin to compare the two images – but he knew that no matter what he loved Brian more at that moment then he had ever thought possible.  “Very good.  I mean he’s considerate, caring – but he’s always been that, but it’s the little things.  Things that he NEVER would’ve done before seem to come like second nature to him now.  It’s strange.  I never thought that I could love him more than I did then, but I was wrong.  I don’t think I can live without him anymore.  I don’t think I’d be able to survive.  He’s the other half of my soul.”

“So what’s the problem?” Marsha asked, as she took a sip of her coffee.  Justin marveled at how alike Marsha and Brian were.  Of course neither would admit it, but the two were a LOT a like.  Both were very loyal, caring, and brave.  Both had come from an abusive home and overcome the tragedies of that life to be someone of great importance.  They both had made something of themselves.  Justin didn’t know what he would do without either one of them.  Of course it was the little things that Justin found was similar.  Both liked latte, smoked, and had eyes that allowed you into their soul.  It was the similarities between the two that had allowed Justin to open up so much with Marsha, when he had wanted only to shut down.  All she had to do was look at him, and Justin was unable to lie to her.  

Justin took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.  “It’s just that . . . what happens when he finds out everything that I haven’t told him?  What happens when he finds out what I did?  He’ll hate me,” Justin said, as he placed his head in his hands, feeling the weight of everything on his shoulders.

Justin felt Marsha’s hand on the back of his head, gently massaging his scalp.  “Justin,” she began.  Justin looked up at her with tears in his eyes.  He was scared, and was unable to hold it in anymore.  “Listen to me.  Brian won’t hate you.  You need to talk to him.  Get things out in the open.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  You were lonely, you were scared, and you were suffering from the memories of what happened last year.  He’ll understand, I know he will.  Tell him what happened, what you were thinking, feeling.  Tell him why you felt you had to do it.”  Marsha leaned back in her chair and looked deep into his eyes.  “You tried to end it all, finish what Chris Hobbs had started, just as your father had wished upon you.  It was a difficult time for you.  You were in a strange new place, with no one around, and you were hurting.  You wanted it all to go away.  But you survived, you didn’t kill yourself.”

Justin nodded.  “Because you found me,” he said with a grateful smile.  “I can’t ever thank you enough.  I know back then I was a major pain in the ass.”

“You still are,” she laughed.

Justin shook his head, and bit his lower lip to keep from saying anything in return.  “Anyway,” he began.  “I just don’t know what he’ll do.  I’m scared.”

“Justin, you were having those nightmares.  You were in a great deal of pain.  It’s natural for someone to be depressed after what you had been through.  But you survived, and now you and Brian have a chance,” she said as she laid her hand on his, giving him the support that he needed.

Justin remembered the day that he had tried to commit suicide.  It had been Brian’s birthday when he had taken all of his anxiety and headache medication out and laid them on the table in front of him.  With a bottle of vodka, Justin began to swallow handfuls of pills and washing them down with the hard liquor.  He had passed out sometime during the night, only to wake up in a small clinic with Marsha standing over him.  She had told him that she had been worried about him.  Evidently sometime before he had passed out, he had called her – frantically telling her that he couldn’t go on, that he wanted it all to end.  She had headed straight to his small room, and rushed him to the clinic where they had pumped his stomach.  Once he had been released, Marsha took him back to his room, removed any pills and alcohol around the room, and forced him to call Brian.  She knew that he had needed to talk to the other man, and he was grateful that she had been there for him.  She had helped him realize that there were things to live for.  That Brian was worth living for.  Justin knew that he would never be able to pay her back for saving his life.

“Yeah, I guess we do.  I just don’t want to fuck it up,” Justin said, coming back to the present and answering her previous statement.  

“Please, you both will make mistakes, don’t think that you won’t.  But as long as you talk to one another, be there for each other. . . you can get through anything.”  Marsha leaned forward in her chair so that they were inches apart.  “The love that the two of you have only comes once in a lifetime, Justin.  Embrace it.  Don’t let it go, fight for what the two of you have.  Don’t give up on yourself or him.  Let Brian be there for you.  You need to tell him everything.  You know that.  Maybe not now, but when you’re ready, you’ll be able to let him help you through it.”

“I know,” Justin answered.  “You’re right.  I just get scared sometimes.  You know.  It just seems that whenever things are going good, something comes along and rips it all away from me.  I don’t want to lose him.”

“You won’t.  Don’t think that something will happen to tear you apart, cause then you will go and find something.  That’s what happened with Ethan.  You and Brian were going so well, then the comic book thing started to bring things back for you, and you began to shut down. You felt that something was going to break the two of you up, and unconsciously you went and found it.”  Justin could only nod in reply.  He knew that what she was saying was true – they had talked about all of this in depth since they had met.  He had feared that something was going to tear them apart, and he had found Ethan.  He had self-destructed, and in turn almost destroyed any chance with Brian.  He knew that he shouldn’t think that something was going to tear them apart again, but it was hard.  “Brian and I have talked about what happened at the prom, and Justin. . . what you did with Ethan, with your relationship, with Brian, is all a part of the whole PTSD package.  You were afraid, but you’re getting better.”

Justin nodded again, and looked down at the coffee cup in front of him.  “I’m not there yet.”

“But you’re getting better.  You are,” she said looking at the young man, and smiled.  “It’ll just take time, and if you and Brian continue . . . it’ll only get better.  But you two need to talk about what happened – all of it.  The prom, your father, your relationship, everything.  That’s the only way you will be able to get past it.  I know you’ve talked about some of it, but you still have a long way to go.  But I know the two of you will make it.”

Justin returned her smile, and knew that she was right.  He would have to get Brian to talk to him about things that neither one of them wanted to talk about.  But he would do it – for the both of them.  He would tell Brian everything, so that they could finally move forward.

*******************

Brian and Justin left the room, and headed down toward the beach.  The cool winter air bit into their flesh as they put on their jackets.  Justin stopped at the end of the cement walkway and looked up at Brian.  They could see the others sitting by the blazing fire, taking warmth in the heat that was being emitted.  Brian looked down at Justin and smiled.  “Ready?” he asked.

“Yeah, but how?” Justin began, when he suddenly felt himself being lifted up out of the wheelchair.

Brian carried Justin down toward the fire and set him down in the sand.  Brian then moved in behind Justin and pulled the younger man closer to his chest.  Brian felt Justin melt into him, and lean his head against Brian’s shoulder.  “Comfy?”

“Yeah,” Justin quietly said.  “This is nice.  I should’ve brought my sketchpad with me.”

Brian wrapped his arms around him and leaned his head against Justin’s.  Brian and Justin continued to take warmth from each other as they would join in the conversations of the gang.  Brian couldn’t believe that they were all doing this.  Never before had he had a group of friends that would just sit down at the beach and watch as the fire burned brightly.  He thought to all of the things that he had done with Mikey, and he could never picture the two of them doing something so peaceful.  Yeah, they had done a lot of things together, things that could rival this, but for the most part it was always places like the bars, or clubs.  Once in a while they would sneak into an old warehouse and sit and talk, but never anything like this _.  ‘I must be growing up,’_ Brian thought to himself.  It felt good to just let go, and forget everything for a while.  No one was there to get drunk and party – they were only there to sit and talk.  It was unusual for Brian.  He was actually liking this whole new lifestyle.  Never before would Brian have thought that just relaxing and being with friends would be his cup of tea.  But now, Brian was finding himself doing just that.  This small group of people had quickly become his friends, as well as Justin’s.  

Brian knew that they would still have their wild moments, where they would all go to the clubs and just let loose, but it was no longer a daily routine.  He knew that no one would ever be able to replace Mikey’s place in his life, but he could start fresh.  He wanted to start on this new path in life with Justin.  _‘I’ve finally grown up and became an adult,’_ Brain thought with a slight smile.  He was learning new things every day, new ways to live and enjoy life.  Gone were the endless tricks, booze, and drugs – not that he didn’t drink or use some drugs every now and then, ‘cause he did – but it no longer ruled his life like it had before.  

As the night progressed, Brian noticed some of them head into the hotel to turn in.  Brian felt Justin turn slightly in his arms, and Brian smiled down at him.  All of the changes in his life lately were because of the man in his arms.  Since Justin had come in his life, things had started to change for him.  He still couldn’t believe that the same night that he had become a father, Justin had also arrived in his life.  If he had believed in God, he would’ve thought that it was all a sign that it was time to give up on the past.  All Brian knew was that after two years, he was finally ready to take that step.  Catching Justin looking at him, Brian leaned in and kissed him lightly on the forehead.  “What?”

Brian could tell that Justin wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what it was.  However, it was obviously bothering the young man a great deal.  “There’s something I have to tell you, but you have to promise to listen and not say anything until I’m done, okay?”

Brian felt his heart stop in his chest, hoping that it wasn’t what he was fearing.  _‘Could Justin believe that they didn’t belong together anymore?  No, I would’ve been able to tell.  At least I hope I would’ve._ ’  Brian nodded, agreeing to Justin’s terms reluctantly.  Brian felt Justin turn back to the fire and lean closer into his body.  Brian closed his eyes briefly trying to calm his nerves.  “I don’t want you to blame yourself for this, ‘cause it wasn’t your fault,” Justin began.  Brian could tell that whatever Justin wanted to tell him wasn’t going to be easy on either one of them.  “Remember when I called you . . . you know the anniversary of sorts of . . .”  
  


Brian knew what Justin was talking about and could tell that the man was having a hard time telling him whatever it was he wanted to say.  “Yeah, I remember,” he said taking the pressure off of his love.

Justin took a deep breath, as Brian pulled him closer.  “I don’t even know where to begin. . . It was a hard time for me, you know.”  Brian nodded, understanding fully.  That time was not easy on him either, and all he had wanted was to find Justin wherever he was and hold the younger man to him.  Brian remembered how he had threatened the others with great bodily harm if they even came near him during that time.  He could only guess what Justin had gone through.  All he knew was the little bit that Justin had told him on the phone that night.  “It was before that day, and well . . . I was lonely and scared. . . I didn’t think that anything was going to be alright.  I kept hearing my dad’s words, and with the nightmares . . . memories, I didn’t know what to do.”

Brian was beginning to understand what Justin was saying, but he hoped and prayed that he was wrong.  Justin was strong, he would never try and do something like what Brian was thinking _.  ‘Could he?’_   Brian knew what Craig Taylor had told his son, and Brian could only cringe at the thought of Justin sitting alone in a strange city with those hateful words ringing through his head.  “How?” Brian asked, knowing what Justin had tried to do, no matter how much he didn’t want to believe it.  A person could only take so much, and Justin had taken a lot these past couple of years.  

Justin leaned forward to place his head on his bent left knee.  Brian began to run his hand in a soothing manner across Justin’s back, hoping to keep Justin in the present, and not lose the young man to the memories of the past.  “I still had all of my pills, you know my anxiety pills, and headache pills. . . anyway, I went and got someone to get me some liquor.  I really don’t remember why I did it, just that I didn’t think I could take it anymore. I wanted the pain to stop.  I wanted to be with you, I wanted things to be okay. . . But I knew that it wouldn’t . . . things could never be the way they used to before. . . before the prom.”  Justin took another deep breath, and Brian moved forward a little to wrap his arms around Justin’s waist.  “It was almost like watching a movie . . . I don’t even really remember taking the pills, I just know that it wasn’t long before I looked down and they were half gone and the bottle was almost empty as well.  I guess sometime during that time, I had called Marsha ‘cause the next thing I knew I was at this small clinic.  When I got home the next day, she forced the phone into my hand and told me to call you.”

Brian closed his eyes, hating that his boy was hurting, hating that Justin had felt that the only way out was to kill himself.  Brian didn’t even want to think about what his life would be like if Justin had succeeded.  All Brian knew was that more than likely he would’ve followed in Justin’s footsteps and ended it all as well.  “It’s over now,” Brian said.  “You made it, and things are getting better.”

“It’s still there though Brian.  Those thoughts . . . those feelings.  I know that it’s still there, and that one day. . . I don’t know,” Justin said painfully.  

Brain knew those feelings well.  He remembered his own suicide attempt exactly one year prior to Justin’s.  Brian was grateful that he had Mikey to save him, and was equally grateful that Justin had Marsha.  If it wasn’t for the two of them, then neither Justin nor he would be around today.  Brian had remembered contemplating death after Justin had left him earlier that year, but was glad that he had decided against it.  When you try and confront death. . . try to take your own life, those feelings of despair never fully leave you.  “I know.  I know all too well, Justin.  I have those same feelings at times,” Brian explained to Justin, opening up to the young man.  Brian never wanted Justin to know about the scarfing incident, but knew that Justin needed to know – especially now.  When Brian felt Justin’s eyes on him, he looked down at the young man – seeing the love reflecting in the young man’s eyes.  “I’ve been there, Justin.  More times than I care to admit.”

“You?” Justin asked in disbelief.  

“Yes, me.  The most recent one was on my thirtieth birthday.”  Brian caught the shock in the younger man’s eyes, and leaned in to kiss Justin’s lips lightly.  “If Mikey hadn’t come when he did. . . well it’s the same thing as what would’ve happened to you if Marsha hadn’t found you when she did.”

“You never told me,” Justin whispered, as he laid a hand on Brian’s cheek.  

Brian felt the tears rising to the surface of his eyes, as he watched the tears flow down Justin’s own cheeks.  “Why do you think I went to the prom with you?  To ‘recapture my lost youth.’”

“I thought it was just a joke . . . I never would’ve thought that you. . .”

“I’m not invincible, Justin.  I’m not now, and I sure as hell wasn’t then.  But you’ve helped me, in more ways than one.  You showed me that there were things to live for.  Things that I still had to do.”

“I love you, Brian,” Justin said as he leaned his head against Brian’s chest.

“I love you too, baby.”

*******************

** Tuesday December 31, 2002 **

Brian sat down on a group of rocks overlooking the ocean, thinking about the past couple of months, hell the past couple of years.  Where would he have been if Justin hadn’t entered into his life.  He knew – no matter how much it pained him now – that if Justin hadn’t arrived the same night as Gus, then Brian wouldn’t have been able to change.  No matter how much he loved Gus, no matter how much his son meant to him – it was Justin that had taught him how to let Gus and others in.  It was Justin who had opened the door to allow Brian to feel the things that he had refused to feel before.   

After their talk the night before, Brian had taken an emotionally drained Justin up to bed.  They both just held each other through the night, taking comfort in each other’s presence – knowing now how close they had come to losing everything.  If either one of them had succeeded, they would not have been in this moment now.  

Brian looked over to his right as soon as he felt a change in the air.  Marsha had sat down on the rock next to him – as always, with two cups of coffee in her hands.  “So I guess you two talked last night?”  Brian could only nod as he accepted the cup of coffee.  “You know that things are better now then they were then, right?”  Brian once again nodded.  “But you both have a long road a head of you in order to get past all of this.  I don’t want you two to think that you can fully put the past away and not think about it anymore.  It’s a part of who you are.”

“I know.  I was hoping though,” Brian said closing his eyes.

“You can hope all you want, but you can’t change the past.  You can only learn from it, and not make the same mistakes.  I’ve told Justin the same thing,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee.  “But I’m positive that the two of you can make it.  It’ll just take time and a whole lot of effort on both of your parts.”

“I just . . . I never would’ve thought that he would try something like that,” Brian stated, letting the pain of what Justin had been going through flow through him.  It hurt him to know that Justin had felt that the only thing he could do was to end it all.

Marsha turned to face Brian, and placed her hand on his arm.  “You both have done some stupid things, I know this.  But Justin felt at that time that he had no other option open to him.  He felt that no one would care if he had ended it, he felt that it would be better for everyone.”  Marsha turned back to look out at the vast ocean before her.  “His father’s words hurt him deeply.  He loved – still loves the man very much.  He can’t distinguish between the father that he knew while growing up from the father that he has today.  It’s one of the biggest hold-ups we have.”

“Craig Taylor is an ass,” Brian said viciously.  

“What is he like?  Craig I mean,” Marsha asked.  

Brian gripped his coffee cup tighter in his hand as he thought of the man who had caused his love so much pain.  “He’s a homophobic asshole, who can’t believe that any son of his could be gay.  He blames Justin for everything bad that had happened to his family, and refuses to let Justin see his family.  He smashed my jeep, beat me up, hit Justin, refused to pay for Justin’s college, and never once came to see his son while he was fighting for his life.  That’s the type of man that Craig Taylor is.”  Brian ran his hand through his hair, hoping to calm himself enough to keep himself from heading up to Pittsburgh and killing the man.  He had tried to avoid thinking of the man who had fathered Justin ‘cause he knew that he was only biding his time before he confronted the man.  But every time that he had started to believe that Justin didn’t want him to confront Mr. Taylor, something would come up and make Brian hate the man even more.  “I had taken Justin to his parent’s house after Craig had beaten the shit out of me.  Mr. Taylor,” he spit the words out, hating the thought of the man, “told Justin that if he lived in HIS house then Justin would have to deny who he was, what he was, and how he felt.  I just stood up and dragged Justin out of there.”

“It was for the best that you did.  Justin would’ve been unhappy being there with that man, and it would’ve ended badly.  I’m sure you’re well aware of what could’ve happened,” she stated, hinting at their shared abusive homes.  “Justin wouldn’t have survived the year.”  Brian could tell that Marsha was getting an idea of what was going on.  He knew that Justin still tried not to speak ill of his father, which unfortunately, didn’t give Marsha much to work with.  “So how are things going between the two of you?” she asked, changing the subject to a happier note.

Brian tried not to smile at her tactics.  She had done the same thing in the hospital when he was ready to kill Michael and the others.  “Good,” Brian said.  “However, I do need to ask you a favor.”

Marsha turned to Brian and looked into his eyes.  “What can I do?”

“Justin and I won’t be joining you guys tonight . . . well, if I have anything to say about it,” Brian stated with a smile on his face.

“What are you planning, my dear boy?” she replied playfully.

  
”That’s where you come in.  There are a couple of things I need you to get for me, if you can.”  Brian informed Marsha of his plans for tonight, knowing that the romantic in her wouldn’t be able to pass this up.  Seeing her face light up, Brian knew that she would help.  Brian knew that after this night was over, Justin would never be able to doubt Brian’s love for him.

*******************

Justin came into the room after talking to Kelly and immediately felt his heart jump out of his chest.  The room was dark, illuminated only by dozens of candles spread throughout the room as soft music played in the background.  There was a small table set up with another bouquet of roses placed in the middle.  Justin couldn’t believe what his eyes were telling him.  “You coming in or are you going to stay by the door all night,” Justin heard coming from the side of the room.  Turning he spotted Brian standing there with a rose in his hand, dressed in an all black Armani suit.  He looked even more beautiful than Justin could ever remember.  “Well?”

Justin shook his head, trying to clear it.  ‘ _If this is a dream, I don’t ever want to wake up,’_ he thought to himself.  Closing the door, Justin maneuvered his chair further into the room.  “What’s all this,” Justin asked.

Brian came to stand in front of Justin and handed the young man the rose.  “To make up for all of the times that I didn’t do right by you,” Brian said, as he leaned down to kiss Justin fully on the lips.  Justin began to feel the tears building behind his eyes as he took in everything that was happening.  This was the most romantic thing that he could’ve ever dreamed of.  “Come on, the food’s getting cold,” Brian said, as he picked Justin up and placed him in a chair at the table.  

Before Justin was the most delicious tasting food he could’ve even thought of – things that meant something to the two of them.  Jambalaya, spicy Thai chicken, strawberries, ice cream, and an expensive bottle of wine.  “What’s all this?” Justin asked again in shock.  

“What, you don’t like it?” Brian asked him in a slightly amused voice.  “I can always take it all back.”

“No,” Justin quickly said looking at Brian.  “It’s just that. . . I mean. . .”

Brian reached across the table to grab a hold of Justin’s hand.  “I know that I haven’t always been the best boyfriend, but I’m trying Justin.  I want to be the man that you want – that you deserve.”

“Brian,” Justin said, letting his emotions take over.  “You are.”

“I haven’t always been, but that’s going to change.  I promise,” Brian said as he pulled Justin’s hand closer to his lips and kissed the top of his hand, then moved to place a kiss on the inside of his wrist under the bracelet.  “I don’t want you to doubt my feelings for you again.  I love you, and I don’t ever want to lose you again.”  Brian set Justin’s hand back down on the table, still holding it tightly in his own.  “Now, can we eat before this gets cold?”

Justin smiled as he picked up his fork, and started to eat the food on his plate, keeping his eyes on Brian.  He was afraid that if he turned away, Brian wouldn’t be here . . . that this really wasn’t happening.  He didn’t think he could survive if he was dreaming this, if it wasn’t real.  “Who helped?” Justin asked, knowing full well that Brian would’ve had to have had help to accomplish all of this.

“Who didn’t?” Brian said with a smile.  “Marsha, Kate, and Rick helped get all of this ready as Kelly and Nichole kept you away.”

Justin could only shake his head in disbelief.  He knew that his friends were all eager to get him and Brian together, but this was more than he could’ve ever dreamed of.  “Remind me to thank them,” he replied.

“Oh, I’m sure we can think of some way,” Brian answered back.  For the rest of dinner the two quietly ate, just allowing themselves to take comfort in each other’s presence, and love.  Justin knew that whatever came out of this night, things would never be the same.  He would no longer be able to doubt Brian’s love for him.  Never.  Brian was showing Justin a side of himself that no one knew existed.  When they finished with the dinner, Brian stood still holding onto Justin’s hand.  “May I have this dance?” 

Before Justin could ask how he was supposed to dance, Brian had lifted him up into his arms and held him up in the air so his feet barely touched the ground.  Justin laughed lightly as he wrapped his arms tightly around Brian’s neck.  He felt free, which was something that he hadn’t felt in as long as he could remember.  Justin listened to the music as it played and instantly remembered it from those awful days before Gus’ birthday the year before.  Justin’s heart swelled even more knowing that Brian was trying to recreate the one moment that had been the best and worst moment in their lives.  Brian was recreating for the both of them the one night that ended so tragically, in hopes to give them both closure on that part of their lives.  In order to have a happier ending to their one magical night, and replacing the bad memories with ones that will only bring happiness to them. 

_ You can dance _

_ Every dance  _

_ With the guy who gives you the eye _

_ Let him hold you tight _

_ You can smile _

_ Every smile  _

_ For the man who held  _

_ Your hand ‘neath the pale moon light. _

__

_ But don’t forget who’s taking you home  _

_ And in whose arms you’re gonna be _

_ So darling  _

_ Save the last dance for me. _ __

As the music played, Justin held tightly to Brian, loving the feel of the man, and finding himself getting lost in the music.  Brian was giving him the dance that would never return, the dance that was lost to him forever.  It was the greatest gift that Justin could ever have asked for.  

_ That the music’s fine  _

_ Like sparkling wine _

_ Go and have your fun _

_ Laugh and sing _

_ But while we’re apart _

_ Don’t give your heart to anyone.  _

__

_ But don’t forget who’s taking you home  _

_ And in whose arms you’re gonna be _

_ So darling  _

_ Save the last dance for me.  _

__

_ Baby don’t you know I love you so _

_ Can’t you feel it when we touch _

_ I will never, never let you go _

_ I love you so oh much _

Justin pulled back slightly to look at the man he loved, the man who had given and taught him so much.  He knew that no one would be able to take Brian’s place in his heart.  Brian was the other half of him, and Justin knew that there would be no one else who would ever be able to fill that space in his life.  Brian was his life, and Justin knew that they would make it, they would make a life together, no matter what.  Their lives were a part of each other, and nothing could take away what they had shared, and what they were to each other.  He wouldn’t be able to give up on Brian after tonight.  He would never allow Brian to leave his life without a fight.  No matter what, he belonged to Brian, and there was no doubt in his mind that Brian belonged to him.  Nothing would come between them.  If he ever had a doubt about what he meant to Brian, or that he wasn’t good enough for Brian, those doubts were quickly disappearing in the air as Brian continued to hold him tightly, moving him around the small room in time with the music.

_ Go carry on  _

_ Till the night is gone  _

_ And it’s time to go. _

_ If he asks _

_ If you’re all alone  _

_ Can he take you home _

_ You must tell him no. _

__

_ ‘Cause don’t forget who’s taking you home  _

_ And in whose arms you’re gonna be _

_ So darling  _

_ Save the last dance for me.  _

__

_ Cause don’t forget who’s taking you home  _

_ And in whose arms you’re gonna be _

_ So darling  _

_ Save the last dance for me. _

_ Save the last dance for me. _

_ Save the last dance for me.  _

Justin reached up and placed his hands on either side of Brian’s face.  “I love you,” he whispered, as he leaned in and kissed Brian with everything that he was.  Pouring all of his emotions into the kiss, Justin felt Brian’s arms tighten around him, in hopes of making each a part of the other.  “Make love to me, Brian.”

Brian pulled back slightly and looked into Justin’s eyes.  Justin could tell that Brian was making sure that Justin was really ready, and he was.  Receiving the answer he was looking for, Brian moved the two to the bed, and gently placed Justin down in the middle of the large mattress.  Justin ran his finger’s through Brian’s hair as the man leaned down to lightly kiss Justin’s forehead, eyes, and cheeks then moved to run his tongue over Justin’s awaiting lips.  Justin opened his mouth and immediately felt Brian’s tongue enter.  Justin began to move his own tongue inside Brian’s mouth, feeling all the contours and texture deep inside.  Needing more, Justin quickly reached up and removed Brian’s jacket, so that he could run his hands under his shirt.  Lightly, he began to run his fingers up and down the tight muscles of Brian’s back, branding the feel deep within his brain.  

Justin felt Brian’s own larger hands slowly caress his stomach, up his sides and to his nipples.  “God, Brian,” Justin breathed, feeling Brian’s hands gliding over his hot flesh.  Brian leaned back slightly to help Justin out of his shirt, and then removed his own.  Justin’s breath caught in his chest the moment he felt Brian’s flesh against his own.  Brian began to kiss his way down Justin’s neck, sucking, and biting the flesh beneath his lips.  Justin moved his head to the side to give Brian better access to his neck, and was not disappointed when he felt Brian lightly bite down in the flesh connecting his neck and shoulder.  “Oh god,” Justin moaned, feeling each kiss and bite of his love send an instant signal to his aching cock – hardening it even more.  Justin knew that the moment had arrived; there would be no turning back after this night.  He was ready to give himself fully to Brian.

Brian moved from Justin’s neck down his chest to his nipples.  Justin hissed in a sudden breath, as Brian took the hard nub into his mouth and sucked on it.  Justin grabbed a hold of Brian’s shoulders and dug his fingers into the man’s flesh – marking Brian as his.  Justin looked down at his love and watched as he moved to the other nipple and lightly pulled on the golden ring with his tongue, sending an instant of pain through Justin’s body.  Justin felt like he was ready to burst if Brian didn’t continue his journey, but stayed where he was waiting to see what the other man was going to do – enjoying every painful second of the sweet torture he was receiving.  Justin felt Brian’s hands move to the belt of his jeans and he sighed in relief.  _‘Finally_ ,’ he thought.  

After Brian had divested Justin of his jeans and underwear, he stood to remove his own remaining clothes.  Justin just watched in wonder as he looked upon his lover.  Brian’s body never ceased to excite him, never ceased to amaze him.  Brian was perfect in every way – from his well sculptured chest, to his long hard cock.  Brian was a god in Justin’s eyes, and nothing would ever change that belief.  They both knew that they wouldn’t last long this time, since it had been so long for the both of them and the feeling, the need to connect was too strong.  As Brian laid back down on top of Justin, he reached to the side and picked up the lube.  “I love you, Justin.  I need you now,” Brian said as explanation.  Justin didn’t care ‘cause he felt the same need that Brian did.  The need to be one with each other.  

“Do it,” Justin said as he reached for Brian’s hand and opened the tube.  “I love you.”  Justin arched off the bed slightly as the first contact of Brian’s fingers near his awaiting hole.  “Please Brian,” Justin begged.  Brian instantly gave his reply by placing two fingers deep into Justin’s hole – stretching him, filling him.  Justin grabbed a hold of Brian’s head and pulled him down to kiss the man deeply.  He wanted and needed to feel Brian.  He had never felt this strong a need before in his young life.  As they kissed, Justin heard the condom package open and felt Brian lift himself enough to place it on his long, hard cock.  

Pulling back slightly the two men looked into each other’s eyes as Brian positioned himself at Justin’s opening.  “I love you,” Brian breathed against Justin’s skin as he drove his cock in deeply.  Justin wrapped his left leg around Brian, arching as much as he could with only one leg to support him.  Justin was silently grateful that his injury didn’t hinder the feeling that Brian was producing deep within him.  Justin felt Brian reach around Justin’s thighs – careful to keep Justin’s right leg as straight as possible – and pulled them onto his shoulders, driving himself deeper into Justin.  Justin felt the air leave his lungs and Brian began to move in and out of him.  

Not caring about any pain he may feel, Justin reached up and pulled Brian closer to him so that he could drive his tongue deep into the man’s mouth, mimicking the movements below.  With each thrust, Brian drove in deeper hitting Justin’s prostate with each solid stroke.  Justin felt the tightening of his balls and ass, as his orgasm began to build.  The friction of Brian’s pounding, and his own cock rubbing between their bodies was getting too much for Justin as he turned his head slightly to the side and bit his lip.  Knowing he couldn’t last much longer, Justin closed his eyes, he began to let go.  

Feeling his own cum as it shot out between their sweat soaked bodies, Justin felt Brian continue to pound into him.  Opening his eyes, he watched as Brian’s eyes closed tightly, his own orgasm moving through his body.  After a few more thrusts, Brian was spent, and laid down on top of Justin, both holding tightly onto the other.  Justin reached up and pulled Brian toward him for a kiss.  Brian leaned his head against Justin’s shoulder as Justin ran his fingers through the sweat soaked hair beneath his fingers.  Suddenly, Justin heard the sounds of fireworks going off in the distance, and quietly laughed.  “I guess we missed the show.”

Brian leaned up and rested on his elbows so that he could look down at Justin.  “Are you sorry that you are missing it?” he asked Justin with a smile on his lips.

Justin looked up at his lover and returned the smile.  “Not in the least.  We had our own fireworks anyway.  Better than anything they would have.”

“Much better,” Brian stated as pulled out of Justin and moved off to the side.  Pulling Justin to him, so that the young man’s head rested on his chest, Brian began to run his hands up and down Justin’s arms.  “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Justin just shook his head, letting the other man know that he was fine.  Justin knew that even if he was in pain, it would all be worth it.  “I love you, Brian,” Justin said as he began to close his eyes to sleep. 

“I love you too, Justin.  Happy New Year, Baby.”  

*******************

** Wednesday January 1, 2003 **

Justin laid his head on Brian’s chest, taking comfort in the feeling.  He felt safe and loved for the first time in a long time, and he couldn’t believe that Brian was there with him.  The night before had been a dream of Justin’s, and there was no way that he could ever doubt Brian’s feelings for him again.  If he had learned anything last night, it was that.  Brian loved him, and nothing would tear them apart again.  No matter what came up, they would be able to get through it.  At least that’s what he wanted to believe.  Justin didn’t want to think of being anywhere else except in the arms of the man that he loved, and who loved him back.  He had finally found what he had been looking for the past year and a half.  He had finally found what he had thought he could find in the arms of Ethan.  Justin had known that he didn’t want all of those things with Ethan, that he had only wanted all of that with Brian.  But Justin had thought that Brian wouldn’t be able to give him what he craved.  How wrong Justin was.  Brian had given him everything that he had ever wanted, plus much more.  

Justin leaned up so that he could look into Brian’s face.  After brushing some hair from Brian’s forehead, he leaned in and kissed his lover lightly.  Brian slowly opened his eyes and stared into Justin’s eyes.  “Morning,” Justin said with a smile.

“Morning,” Brian said, trying to wake up.  Justin felt Brian stretch, then pulled his body down on top of his own.  “So,” Brian began.

Justin buried his head into Brian’s shoulders, breathing in his lover’s scent.  “It was perfect,” Justin answered Brian’s unasked question.  “I love you, Brian.”

Brian pulled Justin tighter against him, and Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s slender frame.  “I love you too, baby.  Now sleep, you wore me out last night.”

Justin laughed, letting his body shake against Brian’s.  “Wore you out?  I find that hard to believe.”

Justin felt his face being pulled to Brian’s and a light kiss being placed on his lips.  “Yeah, well, with all the emotions that were floating around here last night . . . A mindless fuck is one thing, but shit. . .”  
  


“I know, we definitely have to watch out for the emotional stuff, don’t we?” Justin said with a smile.  “It was different though wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, it was.  I can say that I have never cum so hard before in my life,” Brian said, with a smile playing across his lips.

“I know what you mean,” Justin said as he placed his head once again against Brian’s neck and shoulder.  “Brian?” he asked.

Justin knew that Brian was exhausted, but he felt that he needed to say this.  He needed to let the man know how he felt, and what he wanted.  He would never again hide things from his lover, not when they have come so far.  “Hmm?”

“You know that if you ever. . . you know if you need that little thing that I can’t give you. . . “

“I’m not going to do it, Justin.  Don’t even think about it.  You’re stuck with me,” Justin heard Brian state clearly, as the older man held onto him tighter.

“I’m glad,” Justin answered.  “But if you ever do, I’ll understand.  All I ask is that you tell me, okay?”

Justin waited for a reply.  After a while he began to think that Brian had fallen asleep again, and the conversation was over.  “It’ll never happen, Justin,” Justin heard the reply, about ready to protest.  Justin didn’t want to force Brian into anything that the man wasn’t ready for.  He knew now what he meant to Brian, and he didn’t want to push too much.  He didn’t want Brian to hate him in the long run.  “But if it does I promise to tell you,” he finished before Justin could protest, and Justin breathed a sigh of relief.  “Now go back to sleep.”

Justin could only lean into Brian taking comfort in his love for the other man and the new hope for their future.  They were together and nothing was going to break them apart now.  Nothing.

*******************

When the two arrived at home, Brian moved into their bedroom.  ‘Their,’ Brian thought with a smile.  It had finally happened, he realized.  _‘Justin and I are finally a couple.’_   The thought of what they had shared the night before and where they were heading didn’t scare Brian as much as he had thought that it would.  Of course it wasn’t as if he wasn’t scared, because he was.  There was still a part of him that craved the freedom of his former lifestyle.  Although Justin told Brian that the man was free to do what he wanted, but that Justin had wanted to be told, and not kept in the dark, Brian wasn’t sure he could do that.  He wasn’t sure that he could hurt Justin like that – ‘cause he knew that it would hurt the young man no matter what was said.  Brian wasn’t too dumb to know that locks had been placed on the doors, and that he wouldn’t be able to escape.  And truthfully, he didn’t want to.  He loved Justin, and he wasn’t about to lose the young man now that he had found him again.  Brian wouldn’t let it.

Brian was brought out of his thoughts as he felt Justin wrap his arms around Brian’s slender waist.  “Thank you,” Justin said, as he reached up with his hand to try and bring Brian around so that they could kiss.

“Shouldn’t I be the one to thank you?” Brian replied, as he turned to lean down and kiss Justin.  “Have I told you how much I love you lately?” he asked with a small smile on his face.  

“Not in the last five minutes,” Justin answered.

Brian had made it a point since Justin had awoken from his coma in September to tell the young man how he felt every chance he could.  Now that they were once again lovers, Brian knew that he would be unable to stop.  Now he could also show Justin how he felt, instead of only relying on the words.  “Well I guess we just have to fix that now won’t we?” Brian said, as he picked Justin up and placed the young man on the bed.  Looking down into Justin’s clear blue eyes, Brian knew that he would try his hardest not to do anything to ruin what they had.  “I love you,” he said as he leaned down to lose himself in Justin’s presence.  “Always and forever.”

“I love you,” Justin replied, as they began to lose themselves in each other.

**   
**

_ Can’t Fight the Moonlight _

_ There's no escaping love _

_ Once a gentle breeze (once a gentle breeze) _

_ Sweeps its spell upon your heart _

_ And no matter what you think _

_ It won't be to long _

_ 'Till you’re in my arms _

_ Underneath the starlight starlight _

_ We'll be lost in the rhythm so right _

_ It will steal your heart tonight _

_ You can try to resist _

_ Try to hide from my kiss _

_ But you know, but you know _

_ That you can't fight the moonlight _

_ Deep in the dark you'll surrender your heart _

_ But you know, but you know _

_ That you can't fight the moonlight, _

_ Can't Fight the Moonlight by LeAnn Rhymes _

__

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

During the couple of weeks since their reunion at New Years, Brian and Justin had both been busy. Work had picked up for both of them, and they had been thrown into reality.  Their week alone together had brought them closer, and both wanted nothing more than to stay where they were for the rest of their lives.  Unfortunately, real life wasn’t going to wait for the two of them.  Brian knew that since they had the chance to get one of the largest, if not the largest account, that Vanguard had ever had, they both would be working long hours.  Their time together would be cut, but Brian was hopeful that they would survive _.  ‘After everything we’ve been through, a little break shouldn’t ruin us,’_ he thought.  He knew that Justin didn’t like the idea of spending so much time apart the next couple of weeks – hell Brian didn’t like it either – but that was the nature of the business.  He would just have to show Justin that things weren’t going to change now that they were back into the realities of life.

Brian reached over to the nightstand beside the bed and pulled out a small vial of oil, and rubbed it in his hands to warm it.  Gently, he began to run his hands across Justin’s back, rubbing the oil deep into his skin.  Brian began to massage the tight muscles of Justin’s shoulders and neck, receiving a moan of pleasure from the young man beneath him.  “Fuck,” Justin sighed, as Brian continued to knead the muscles, releasing any tension that was there.  

Brian smiled and leaned in so that he could place a feather light kiss on Justin’s ear.  “Feel good, Baby?”

“Fuck yeah,” Justin breathed, as he felt Brian begin to trail open-mouthed kisses down to his neck.  “Brian,” the man moaned, as Brian lightly bit into the flesh of Justin’s neck.  Brian continued his path down Justin’s back, both with his hands and his tongue – kneading, licking, and biting his way down toward Justin’s round ass.  When he reached his destination, Brian parted Justin, and began to run his tongue across the delicate flesh of Justin’s hole.  “Fuck,” Justin moaned, as Brian pushed his tongue into Justin’s tight hole.  Enjoying Justin’s obvious delight, Brian continued to push in and out of Justin, taking pleasure in the taste of his lover.  

Slowly, Brian removed his tongue, and began to trail it up Justin’s spine to his neck.  “Are you ready, Baby,” he breathed into Justin’s ear.

“Please, Brian.  I need you,” Justin said.

“Tell me what you want, Justin,” Brian asked, as he ran his cock across Justin’s ass cheeks, causing Justin to raise himself further into Brian.  

“I need you,” Justin quietly breathed, trying to force Brian to enter him.

Brian reached over to the side table and ripped open the condom package with his teeth.  After sheathing himself, Brian placed himself at Justin’s hole, teasing the young man.  “You want me inside you, baby?  You want me to fuck you?” Brian teased, letting his hot breath tickle Justin’s ear. 

“Yes.”

“Tell me. . . say it.”

“Fuck me,” Justin hissed, as he reached his left hand behind him to grab a hold of Brian’s hair.  “Fuck me,” he ordered, as he pushed his tongue into Brian’s mouth.

Hearing Justin’s order, Brian pushed himself all the way, deeply into Justin’s awaiting body.  Feeling Justin’s tight, hot hole surrounding him, Brain pulled Justin’s head back by his hair, and began to bite Justin’s neck.  “God, you are so fucking hot, Justin.”

“Oh, god, Brian, harder,” Justin continued to moan, as Brian began to push himself in and out of Justin.  With each stroke, Brian would push himself deeper into Justin, making sure to hit the young man’s prostate with each solid thrust.  “Ahhh, yes,” Justin hissed. 

“Come with me, Justin,” Brian stated as he reached around Justin’s body to wrap his hand around Justin’s leaking cock.  With each thrust of Brian’s body, and each tug on Justin’s cock, Brian felt himself losing the battle – he was going to cum and sooner than he wanted.  _‘It’s always like this with him,’_ Brian thought quickly, then focused on the feeling of Justin’s body beneath his own.  Brian felt Justin’s hold on his cock tighten as the first wave of orgasm hit, causing Brian’s breath to catch in his throat.  Pushing in one last time, Brian finally let go and released his own cum into the condom separating the two.

Spent, Brian laid himself on Justin’s back, and tried to catch his breath.  “I love you,” Justin whispered, turning his head so that the two could kiss.

“I love you, too, baby,” Brian replied.  

****************

Four days later

Justin came into the town home, and made his way over to the couch.  In the past couple of weeks, he had worked hard so that he could use his crutches instead of the damn wheelchair.  He realized that although his hand was still weak, he could get around for short periods of time with the crutches.  Justin was proud of this accomplishment, and couldn’t wait to tell mom about how far he had come.  He knew that he wouldn’t be completely away from the chair, but he felt a sense of freedom in being able to stand and walk that he hadn’t had in a long time.  The past couple of weeks, work had been busy for both he and Brian.  They had the potential to get one of the largest accounts in the history of the firm, and that meant long hours on both of their parts.  It meant that any time the two could spend alone at home was treasured by both.  He hated being away from Brian, but he knew what this account meant to Vanguard, and to Brian.  Justin, Kate, and Rick would work long hours – often starting their day at 6 a.m. and working until 8 at night.  Justin knew that Matt was only technically an intern, so he would help them out where he could, but often was called off to work on another project.  Justin wished that they had more help, but he knew that it wouldn’t be possible. 

And Brian – Brian was being a major pain in everyone’s ass.  Justin knew why, but it still hurt to sit there and get his own ass chewed by his lover.  ‘ _That is definitely not the type of ass chewing I want from him,’_ Justin thought with a small smile.  He would feel differently, he knew, if Brian would just come home and spend some time with him.  But unfortunately, Brian was spending more hours at work than Justin himself was.  He hadn’t thought that it would be like this when they started down this path, but Justin knew that he couldn’t really complain.  They understood each other, and what they had to go through at work.  Justin now knew that Brian’s job was a hard one, and not one to take lightly.  He only wished that Brian would come home more than he did.  He would have to talk to Brian about that, and see what came out of it.  

Justin picked up the phone, and dialed his mom’s number.  Maybe a little talk with her would cheer him up.

*******************

Brian walked into the town home, and threw his coat into the chair by the door.  He had finally had enough of dealing with the assholes in the other departments, and the constant nagging that he was getting from Vance, and he needed to have a break from the reality of work.  He needed his little taste of reality with Justin.  He knew that he had been hard on the young man these past couple of days at work, and the fact that he hadn’t been home in three days hadn’t help matters any.  

Brian spotted Justin sitting on the couch, with his feet propped up on the table and the telephone pressed to his ear.  “Yeah . . . I know, mom . . . I just don’t understand why.  I mean, we had decided that she would come down for Spring Break this year, okay this coming year.  Whatever . . . Why?. . . That’s totally fucked . . . He has no right. . . yeah whatever. . . fine. . . Fine. . . No, I’m not going to talk about it right now. I don’t want to think about it right now.  . . yeah . . . okay, I’ll talk to you later.  Love you, bye.”

Brian sat down beside Justin on the couch, watching the young man run his hands through his hair in frustration.  “What’s going on?” he asked, as he began to lightly run his hand up and down Justin back, trying to calm his lover.

Justin just shook his head, and sighed.  “My dad,” he replied, closing his eyes.

Brian bit the inside of his cheek in order to keep himself from saying what he wanted to say about Craig Taylor.  “What did he do now?”

Justin just looked over at Brian and shook his head.  Brian could see the pain in the young man’s eyes, and hated that Craig could still cause Justin pain even after everything that he had already done to his son.  Brian knew that no matter what, Justin would still be hurt by the man whom he called father.  “He doesn’t want Molly to come down here for Spring Break.  He doesn’t want her to be subjected to this ‘disgusting lifestyle’.  He has joint custody after all and he can say when and where the FUCK she will go.”  Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  He knew getting angry at the fucker now would do no good, so he did the only thing that he knew he could do – he held Justin in his arms until the young man calmed.  “Fuck it.”

“Justin,” Brian said, forcing Justin to look over at him.  When he knew that he had the man’s attention, he leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips.  “We’ll work it out.”

“I know.  I just don’t want to worry about it now.  There’s no point.”  Justin slowly turned slightly toward Brian so that he could wrap his arms around his lover and rest his head on Brian’s shoulder, and sighed.  “So what are doing home so early?”

Brian began to run his hands through Justin’s hair, and lightly kissed his forehead.  “I was hungry, tired, and that damn couch in my office is not comfortable,” he said with a slight smile.  

“Hmmm,” Justin replied.

Brian closed his eyes, taking comfort in Justin’s presence.  Before he could let everything go so he could fall into the deep sleep he needed, the phone rang, shocking them both out of their comfort.  “Fuck,” Brian said, as he reached for the phone.  “Yes,” he barked.  Brian could tell that Justin was trying hard not to laugh at Brian’s usual way of answering the phone.  Hearing the voice on the other end, Brian leaned forward so that his head rested against Justin’s.  “Yes, Mikey.”

Brian spotted Justin reach for his crutches, and make a move to stand.  Brian halted him and looked into his eyes.  He didn’t want to completely lose the comfort he was feeling.  “I’m going to make dinner,” Justin whispered, not wanting to interrupt Brian and Michael.  Brian only nodded in response as he watched Justin make his way toward the kitchen.

“So what’s up, Mikey,’ Brian asked his friend.

“You know, not much.  Just waiting around for my friend to call me like he said he would,” Michael said on the other end of the line.

Brian leaned forward and ran his hand through his hair.  He knew he had blown Mikey off, but damn.  “Well, I’ve been busy as hell lately, I haven’t had a chance to even sleep let alone call you.”

“Not even to just say ‘hey, can’t talk now, I’ll call you later’?” 

“Sorry, but work is picking up and I can’t just tell a client to hold on a minute while I shoot the shit with my friend.”

“We’re best friends, Brian.”

“I know.”

“And we’ve known each other for a lot of years,” Mikey finished on the other end.  Brian tried not to roll his eyes at Michael’s obvious statement.  “And I would think that it would count for something.”

“I know, alright, fuck!”  Brian leaned back on the couch, and kicked off his shoes so that he could rest his feet on the coffee table in front of him.  “So what’s up?”

“I think that Ted and Emmett are having trouble,” Michael informed Brian.  “And mom and that detective are getting a lot closer.”

“No shit.  Since when?” Brian asked.  The thought of Debbie and that Detective getting ‘biblical’ scared Brian to no end.  “Have they done it?”

“How the hell should I know?. . . I think so. . . god, that is not what I want to think about.”

“Fuck,” Brian laughed.  

“Shut up.  You shouldn’t make fun of my torment.”

“So how’s the good ol’ professor?”

“We’re doing okay.  In fact, I’m going to be moving in with him later this month,” Brian heard Mikey explain, obviously happy.

“Well good for you, Mikey,” he stated genially.  He was happy for Mikey.  Brian liked Ben, and knew that Ben was good for his friend.  Ben was definitely better than that damn doctor.  

“So how are things with Justin?”

“They’re going alright,” Brian answered Mikey’s question.  Mikey was asking Brian about what was going on with Justin, and Brian knew that he wasn’t quite ready to share that with his friends. 

“Are you two a couple again?” Mikey asked.

 “Stay out of it, Mikey.”

“But. . .”

“You heard me.  That topic is off limits.”

“Why? I tell you what’s going on between Ben and me.  Why can’t I know what’s going on with Justin and you?  What are you two not working out?  Did he leave you, did you leave him?  What?  Won’t you talk to me about it?”

“No, I’m not discussing that with you or anyone else.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s none of your business,” Brian said as he lifted his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.  He hated that Mikey always wanted to know what was going on between him and Justin.  Mikey was one of the reasons – in Brian’s book anyway – that the two had broken up in the first place.  Mikey had never really liked Justin, and Brian wasn’t sure how the two would get along now.  He just wasn’t ready to find out.

“None of my business?  How can you say that, Brian?  I’m your best friend,” Mikey said shocked at Brian’s dodging of the subject.  

“That’s what I said. . . Jesus, Mikey, it’s not like we’re some old married couple.”

“You sure about that?” Mikey said.  Taking a deep breath, Brian heard him continue – effectively changing the subject.  “So how many hot guys have you fucked down there?”

“Fuck you,” Brian said playfully.  Brian looked up at Justin and saw the young man working hard at dinner.  In his talk with Mikey, Brian had to try and think about what he was saying to the other man.  Brian wasn’t ready to let everyone in Pittsburgh know about what he and Justin had been up to, let alone what their relationship now was.  ‘ _Hell, I don’t even know,’_ he thought.  Brian hated lying to his friend, but he just wasn’t ready to share it with them either.   The fact that Mikey thought that all he was doing down here was fucking around hurt him to no end.  “Listen, Mikey, I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I’ll talk to you later,” he said, as he hung up the phone.  

Brian knew that for some reason, Mikey always had a way of bringing out the worst in him.  Mikey just couldn’t see that Brian had changed, and Brian wasn’t sure that Mikey would ever be able to see it.  He could only hope that Mikey would be able to accept him for who he really was now.  He wasn’t ready to lose the one person who had always been there for him.  He knew he could, as long as he had Justin there to help him through.  “So what’s for dinner?  I’m hungry, then ready to crash,” Brian said as he made his way over to the table.  

************

Brian was sitting in his office, looking over the ad for the Parkerson account.  He was in a foul mood since Vance’s call earlier.  Vance had told him that he would get the account or else.  Brian didn’t know what the ‘or else’ part consisted of, but all he knew was that he was sick and tired of having to prove himself to that man.  He had worked his ass off for him, and before him, Ryder.  He didn’t have to prove himself to anyone – let alone a little fucking weasel like Vance Gardner.  Brian punched the button on his phone summoning Cynthia to his office.  “You wanted to see me?” she asked, as she walked into the lion’s den.

Brian threw the designs on the corner of his desk and looked her straight in the eye.  “Yeah, tell Rick to scratch this fucking design.  It sucks.  Also tell him that I expect THREE new designs on my desk no later than 8 a.m. on Thursday morning.  Is that understood?” Brian said, turning back to his computer.  

Cynthia just grabbed the designs and made her way out of the office.  Once there she sat down at her desk, and picked up her phone to make the one phone call she didn’t want to make.  She knew that Justin would be pissed, and she silently prayed that Justin would come up here and calm her boss down.  Since this account had come in, Brian had been a bear to work with.  She hated what it was doing to him, seeing the “old Brian Kinney” emerging slowly.  She knew that Brian would leave for a couple of hours when he had decided to stay the night there, and he would go out to one of the many bars nearby.  She could only guess as to what he would be doing during his long lunch and dinner breaks,  knowing that Justin didn’t accompany him.  Cynthia hoped that Brian wouldn’t do anything to ruin what the two had, but she wasn’t so sure.  With the pressure that Vance was giving him, Brian was resorting to things that he knew would relieve the stress.  She only hoped that they got this account soon, before Brian did some serious damage to both his relationship, and to himself.

*************

The next day, Justin made his way up to Brian’s office.  He had been working hard with Kate, and Rick trying to get all of the designs done that Brian had wanted.  Luckily they were almost finished, and Justin knew that he wanted to at least have dinner with Brian to see what was going on.  He had been upset with Brian’s attitude toward his group these past couple of days, so he hadn’t made an effort to try and talk to the other man.  Justin knew that if he had, they both would’ve said things that they would’ve regretted.  Now, Justin had calmed down enough that he felt he could talk rationally to his lover – explain to Brian that they needed a break every now and then.  To remind Brian that they were feeling the pressure as well and he didn’t have to take it all out on them.  Justin wanted to talk to Brian about maybe hiring on some new people so that they wouldn’t have to be this pressured.  Justin wasn’t sure that he, Rick, or Kate could take much more of this constant strain.  All of their individual relationships were taking a beating, because they were ‘the best that the firm had to offer.’  They needed a break, and Justin wanted to ask Brian if they could just back off for a while.  Let the three of them relax with something easy just for once.

Justin knew that they were impossible demands, since a lot of their clients wouldn’t do business with anyone but the three of them, but damn!  Justin was not sure he could take it much longer without some sort of vacation.  As he reached Cynthia’s desk, he smiled.  Justin was glad that Brian had brought her with him when he transferred down here.  She was the only one that Justin knew who could put up with Brian at work.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to do it on a daily basis.  Home was one thing – but work?  ‘You couldn’t pay me enough,’ Justin thought.  “Hey, Justin what can I do for you?”  she asked him as he reached her desk.  He had resorted back to his wheelchair, since after working and drawing for almost two days straight, he knew that there would be no way in hell he’d be able to maneuver around with the crutches. 

Justin nodded over to Brian’s door, and shrugged.  “Is Brian busy?  I was going to see if he wanted to grab a bite to eat.”

Cynthia took a deep breath, and Justin was instantly alarmed.  “Actually he already left for dinner.  I’m sorry,” she said honestly.  Justin could tell that she was hiding something from him, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know.  “I’ll tell him you stopped by though.”

Justin just shook his head.  “That’s okay, I’ll just catch him later.  Thanks,” Justin said as he made his way out of the office and toward the lobby where his friends were.  Spotting them, Justin went over to them.  “Brian’s not coming,” he said to them.

Rick only nodded, as Kate placed her hand on his shoulder.  They both knew that the couple hadn’t spent much time together in the past couple of weeks since this account had been thrown at them.  “It’s okay, I’m sure we’ll catch up with him later.”

  
”Yeah, after all of this shit is done,” Kate said.  “Then we’ll have one hell of a party, and get all of our significant others a very expensive present for putting up with our crap these past couple of weeks,” she said with a smile.

Justin knew that his relationship hadn’t been the only one that was suffering, and he was grateful that his friends understood where he was coming from.  “Yeah, but between Brian and I, who would buy the present?” Justin asked shaking his head.  “Fuck it, let’s go eat.”

“Dave and Busters?” Rick asked.  After Justin and Kate agreed, the three headed toward Rick’s car and left to eat.  When the three arrived, they found a table and ordered their food.  Justin began to relax for the first time in days.  He had been upset with the distance that he and Brian had been having lately, but more upset that he hadn’t had a chance to make love to Brian in over a week.  All Justin knew was that when this was over, he was going to take Brian as far away from everything as possible for a little while.  ‘ _Maybe a small cabin up by Lake Lanier,_ ’ Justin thought.  _‘Anywhere that does not have electronics, telephones, whatever.’_

Once the food arrived, the three settled into easy conversation about what they were planning on doing with the bonus money they would get out of this account, and what they would do when this was over.  Justin tried not to smile at Kate’s plans to go to some nudist beach, and get piss drunk.  The image that she had woven caused Justin to cringe slightly, which caused his two friends to laugh at his discomfort.  Trying to hide the sudden blush that was creeping up on him, Justin looked around the room.  Almost immediately he spotted something by the bar that caused his breath to catch in his throat. Standing at the bar, with his arm around someone and a beer in his hand was Brian.  Justin could tell that Brian was on his way to getting drunk, and although Justin had told Brian that he could trick if he wanted to, seeing the signs of it caused a pain deep within his heart.  Looking closer at the two men at the bar, he realized that the other man couldn’t be a trick.  Brian wasn’t acting like he was ‘on the prowl’, and the way that Brian was hanging on the man didn’t appear to be his usual ‘come hither’ look.  

Even though it appeared that Brian wasn’t there to trick, the fact that he had come out without Justin to lose himself in drugs and/or alcohol – hurt Justin deeply.  Justin felt a hand on his arm, which forced him away from the scene before him.  “You okay?” Kate asked.

Justin only nodded, and then took a deep breath.  “You guys ready to go?” he asked.  The sooner he got away from there the better.

He saw Rick look over to where Justin had been looking before, then stand.  “Let’s get the fuck out of here.  I’ll take care of the bill, and I’ll meet you out by the car,” he said, as he left the two to pay the bill.  When Justin and Kate left the room, Rick paid the bill – swearing that he would have a talk with Mr. Kinney, or better yet he would send Marsha over to talk to the other man.  

*******************

Brian walked into the house, and sat down on the couch, ripping off his tie.  All he wanted to do was pass out.  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” came a loud voice from across the room.  

  
Brian sat up straight, silently cursing through his headache, wondering why and how he could’ve missed seeing someone else in the house.  _‘I must be more fucked up then I thought,’_   he cursed himself.  “What the fuck are you doing here?  Better yet, how the fuck did you get in?” Brian said as he leaned back on the couch.  He didn’t want to have any sort of conversation with this person – not when his defenses were shot.  “And will you please keep it down; my head feels like it’s about ready to explode.”

Brian saw the figure move over to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of him, and he knew that whatever she was going to say wasn’t going to be pretty.  If there was one thing that he had learned about this woman, it was that she didn’t hold back.  “I’m here because you need me.  I got in because you and Justin made sure I had a key, and NO I will NOT keep it down.  I don’t fucking care if your head is going to explode, ‘cause mister, when I get done with you. . . you’re going to wish it would.”

“What the fuck did I do now?” he asked.  He really didn’t want to deal with Marsha now.

“What are you doing, Brian?  I want to understand what is going on with you,” she said in a quieter voice, as she laid her hands on his knees.  “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Brian said, as he stood up to get himself a drink from the liquor cabinet.  “Nothing is going on.  We’re just really busy right now with this fucking project, that we haven’t had time to do much of anything.”

“So you resort to your old self.  The same old self that you told me you never wanted to emerge again.  The same old self that you hated,” she asked him.

Brian set the bottle down on the counter without opening it, and thought about what she had said.  Was he resorting back to the comfortable routine of drinking, drugs, and sex?  _‘Okay, so I haven’t fucked anyone, but I can’t say the same about the other two options,’_ he said to himself.  “It’s not what you think,” he said.

“Then tell me.  Something must have happened that made you resort to that old façade that you held for so long.  Something must have pushed you to this place,” Marsha simply stated as she made her way to stand in front of him.  “What happened, Brian?”

Brian closed his eyes, and though about the past couple of weeks.  Before this account came up, he could’ve said that without a doubt, he and Justin would be together forever.  But now, these past couple of weeks, Brian’s old doubts had resurfaced.  Brian walked back to the couch, and sat down, placing his head back on the cushion behind his head.  “This damn account has all of us running around, trying to get things perfect.  Justin and I haven’t had a chance to really spend time together.  Either he’s been working late, or I have.  Fuck, the last time we sat down to eat together was over a fucking week ago.  And don’t ask me when the last time we made love was.”

“Are you feeling neglected, Brian?” she asked, sitting next to him on the couch.

“Yes. . . No . . . Fuck, I don’t know.  It’s just that with this account, and Vance, and Mikey. . . Then with Justin not here. . . Fuck,” Brian cursed as he ran his hands through his hair.  He hated that he had felt so out of control these past couple of weeks.  He had known he was falling back with ease on the ‘asshole Kinney’ attitude, and no matter what he had tried to do, he hadn’t been able to stop it.  “I’m trying to change.  I am.  I’m trying to be more open about things with Justin, with everyone. . . it’s just that it’s not that easy.”

“I know that it’s hard for you to change, Brian.  It’s not easy for anyone, but you need to sit back and think things through.  When you try to go back to what was comfortable before, what do you feel like after it happens?  Especially now that you have already made the steps to change?  What do you feel now?” she asked him.

“I feel like the world’s biggest asshole.  Fuck, if Justin found out. . . “

“He already did,” she answered him.  Brian sat straight up on the couch and looked at her in disbelief.  “He saw you today, at the bar.  Rick called me . . . and here I am.”

“Fuck,” Brian yelled.  “Fuck.  He fucking hates me now, doesn’t he?”

“I wouldn’t say that.  I haven’t talked to him, but I’m sure he’s hurt.  But I know he could never hate you.”

“Why do I always do this,” Brian asked himself.  “Why do I always resort to old comforts when things get tough?  It’s what ruined my relationship with Mark, with Justin before. . . I can’t lose Justin now.”

“Who’s Mark,” Marsha asked.

  
Brian stood and began to pace the small living room.  “He was this guy in college.  We were seeing each other for about a year.”

“Did you love each other?” she asked.

Brian paused in his path to the window, and looked out.  “Maybe, I don’t know.  I cared about him, but I don’t know if it was love or not.”

“What happened?”

“It was my senior year, and I was trying to find a job, get out into the world, you know.  Finals were coming up, and he started to pressure me to move away with him to California or somewhere,” Brian told her, remembering that time so many years ago.  “I was feeling pressure from him, work, school, Lindsey, Mikey, hell everyone, and I just couldn’t handle it.  So I went on a fucking month long binge.  I don’t think I was sober for that entire month.”  Brian turned back to face Marsha and shrugged his shoulders.  “I turned into my father for that month.  I drank, I fucked, I even fucking hit him once.  Anyway, Mark couldn’t handle it – not that I blame him – so he left.  I never saw him again.”

Marsha sat there looking at him with understanding in her eyes.  “Is that why it’s so hard for you to commit fully to Justin?  Because you’re afraid that you’ll do the same thing to him that you did to Mark?”

Brian sat back down on the couch and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  “I don’t know. . .maybe.  I could never hurt Justin.”

“But you have, you know you have.  Maybe not physically, but in a way that is much worse.”

“Fuck,” Brian exclaimed, resting his face in his hands.  “What can I do?  How can I stop this?  I can’t lose him, Marsha, I can’t.”

“Brian,” she began as she grabbed hold of his hand.  “You need to let go.  Let go of your past, completely.  You’re not Jack Kinney, you’re not your mother, you’re not the same person you were a year ago.  Let go of the façade that you want people to see, and let them see who you really are.  You’re not the person that Michael used to know, or who your mother thinks you are.  You’re the man that Justin fell in love with, the man that WE all love and care for.  Don’t allow yourself to fall into the pattern of destruction that you have allowed yourself to live for the past however many years.  You’ve changed; you’ve allowed yourself to change.  Don’t fall back on something that will only destroy you in the end.”

“I don’t know how,” Brian informed her.  

“We’ll help you, I told you that.  I’ll be here for you, helping you through it.  But you have to let us help you.  You don’t always have to be strong, Brian.  You have to let us in.”  Marsha stood and grabbed her coat.  “I think you need to go back to Pittsburgh for a little while,” she said.  Brian looked up at her with confusion in his eyes.  “You need to let go of that past, and no matter what, you can’t do that this far away.  Your past is there, Brian.  This is your future.  You need to let go.  Show them that you are stronger than that.  Show them the real you.  Only then can you put it all behind you, and commit fully to Justin.  If that’s what you want, you have to let go.”  Marsha bent down and looked him in the eye.  “I’ll be there if you need me.  I’m only a phone call away.  Don’t shut us out.  We all love you, Brian, no matter what.”

“Thanks,” he said, as she made her way to the door and left.   Brian sat there the rest of the night trying to decide what he was going to do, and how he was going to change.  He wasn’t sure he could let go of the past – it was who he was.  Could he let it all go, and still be the person he would recognize?  Brian knew he had to think about what Marsha had told him.  If he didn’t at least think about it, he would lose the best thing that had ever happened to him in his 31 years of life.  Was he ready to give up Justin?  That answer was easy – no.  But he wasn’t sure if he was ready to let go of his past.  It would be something that he would have to decide, and soon, before it was too late for him and Justin.

****************

By late Thursday afternoon, Brian had already made plans to start on his new path with Justin.  He had stayed awake the night before, thinking about what he wanted, and after they had gotten the account signed sealed and delivered, Brian knew what he wanted to do.  Vance had wanted Brian to bring the contract to him directly, and Brian knew at that moment that he would have to do what Marsha had suggested.  He only hoped that Justin would understand.  He hoped that Justin could forgive him for the past couple of weeks, and hold off doing anything until he came back from Pittsburgh.  As the two headed down Interstate 400, Brian would glance over at Justin occasionally.  Justin hadn’t said a word to him in the past couple of days, and Brian was beginning to wonder if it was already too late for them – if he hadn’t already lost.

“I have to head up to Pittsburgh tomorrow to give Vance the contracts,” Brian said, hoping to pull Justin into a conversation.

“Oh, okay, whatever,” Justin replied and continued to look out the window at the passing scenery.  

The two remained silent for the remainder of the trip home.  When Brian followed Justin into their home, he took a deep breath, and knew that he wouldn’t be able to get on the plane the next day with the younger man mad at him.  “Justin,” Brian began.  Justin turned to Brian and looked him in the eyes.  “I’m sorry.”

“For what?  You have nothing to be sorry for, Brian.  Forget it.  We’ve both been under a lot of stress and I understand,” Justin said as he made his way over to the couch to lie down.

Brian walked over and sat down on the floor beside the couch so that he could run his hands through Justin’s hair.  “No, it’s not okay.  I’ve been an asshole to you, and Kate, and Rick.  I’ve ignored you, lied to you. . . I started going back to the way it was before.  And for that I’m sorry.”  
  


“It’s okay, Brian,” Justin said, looking up at Brian.

“It’s not.  I had a long talk with Marsha, and I think I realize what happened.  I don’t want to lose you, Justin.  I can’t lose you,” Brian said, laying his head down on Justin’s chest.

“You’re not, Brian.  I don’t think I could live without you.  No matter what, you’re stuck with me,” Justin said as he began to run his hand up and down Brian’s back.

  
”You shouldn’t have to put up with me when I’m like that.  You deserve better than that,” Brian said.  Removing his head from Justin’s chest, he looked the younger man in the eye.  “I love you, Justin Taylor.  And I’m going to try and do right by you.”  
  


“What do you mean?” Justin asked, confused.  
  
”Marsha told me that I needed to let go, really let go.  I plan on doing just that . . . when I’m up there in Pittsburgh.  I need to lay my demons to rest.  I need to let it all go.  If we’re going to survive, I need to do this.  For you, for me, and for us.  Mainly for me.”  Brian saw that Justin was about to protest – telling him that he didn’t need to change – but Brian knew that he had to, for himself.  He had to let go, ‘cause if he didn’t, then he would never be able to continue with Justin.  “Don’t.  I have to do this for myself, Justin.  And when I get back, I promise that we’ll take a nice long vacation, and I’ll make the last couple of weeks up to you.”

Brian saw the tears as they began to flow down his lover’s cheeks, and he reached out to wipe them away.  “I love you, Brian.”

“I love you too, Baby.  Things will be better, I promise,” Brian promised, as he leaned in and lightly kissed Justin’s lips.  Brian leaned his head back on Justin’s chest, letting the steady beat of his lover’s heart lull him to a peaceful sleep.  “I promise,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.

“I’ll always love you, Brian,” he heard Justin reply as he allowed himself to fall asleep in his lover’s embrace.  He’d deal with everything starting tomorrow, but for now, he was happy, and content.  He felt loved.

  


**_For All Time Interlude #6_ **

_ By: Acacia _

__

_ You think you're special _

_ You do _

_ I can see it in your eyes _

_ I can see it when you laugh at me _

_ Look down on me _

_ You walk around on me _

_ Just one more fight _

_ About your leadership _

_ And I will straight up _

_ Leave your shit _

_ Cause I've had enough of this _

_ And now I'm pissed _

_ Yeah _

_ This time I'm 'a let it all come out _

_ This time I'm 'a stand up and shout _

_ I'm 'a do things my way _

_ It's my way _

_ My way, or the highway _

_ \--My Way by Limp Bizkit _

Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

Told in Brian’s POV

The moment I get off of the plane in Pittsburgh, I begin to feel this sudden dread.  I can’t explain it, I don’t even know what the hell it is, or why I’m feeling this way.  Fuck!  I am so fucked up lately that I can’t even think straight.  Marsha made sure to let me know before I left that I could call her day or night if I wanted to talk, and somehow I think that after this week back in my old stomping grounds, I may need a taste of what is important in my life now.  I only wish Justin were here with me, but I know that mentally he’s still not fully ready to deal with all the shit that happened here.  I can’t blame him for that either.  He’s been through so much these past couple of years that it surprises me that he hadn’t tried to kill himself before.   

Just thinking about his suicide attempt scares me to death.  I know that I can’t live without him anymore, and the thought that he was in so much pain that he felt he had no other recourse than to end it all – hell, I don’t know what I would’ve done if he had succeeded.  I guess that’s the real reason why I’m here.  I have to try and get past this – as Justin calls it – **_“Brian ‘Fuck Machine, I don’t give a shit’ Kinney”._**   If I don’t try and put all – if not some – of these damn demons that haunt me day and night to rest, then I can forget about any future with Justin.  No matter what he says, I know that if I go back to the way I was before, then he’ll leave me again.  And that is something that I never want to go through again.  We’ve come so far in these past couple of months – grown closer together, in a way that I never thought possible.  He’s more a part of me than he ever was before.  What’s even more frightening is that it doesn’t scare me like I thought it would.  

At least that was before I stepped off that damn plane here in Pittsburgh.  

So here I am heading through the parking lot toward my rental car, wishing I was anywhere but here.  It’s too late in the day to head to the office, since I’m sure that Vance is gone for the day, and I know that I am NOT ready to face the others yet.  I decide that just going to the hotel tonight is the best idea in the world.  I need to try and decide how I’m going to handle this week with the guys.  I have to confront them, but I don’t know how to do that, or even what to say.  I don’t know why I have this urge to tell them all to leave me the fuck alone, but I know that I can’t live without Mikey.  He’s been there for me for a hell of a long time, and I’m not ready to burn that bridge – I can’t burn that bridge.  But there are things that I have to find out, things that I have to know, and things that I have to tell them all.  I need them – especially Mikey – to be there for me now.  I need them to be able to accept the fact that I’ve changed – that I’m different.  I don’t know how or what I’m going to do, but I can only hope that if they are truly my friends, they will allow me this one thing.  

I head toward the loft – since I never sold the thing when I left here.  I was never really sure if I was going to come back here or not.  I wasn’t sure if this thing with Justin would work out, and I always make sure that I have a back-up plan.  My plans were to rent the space out, and luckily there is no one living here now.  Slowly I open the large metal door and step inside – placing my bags beside the bar, and walk in.  The furniture is scarce, since I had taken all of my shit down to Atlanta with me, but I made sure that there was at least a bed, phone, and couch.  This damn loft has never felt this empty to me.  All I want at that moment is to be back at home with Justin – since this place no longer feels like home to me.  Maybe I have been away too long, I don’t know.  I hate that I had to come up here now, since Justin has a doctor’s appointment on Thursday to see how his leg is healing.  What if it isn’t healing right?  What if he will never walk again?  Why the hell can’t I be there for him during this time?  Fuck!

I go to the phone and dial the number I know by heart and wait for him to pick up.  Despite the late hour – it’s really only 10 – I know that Justin will be up.  I told him I’d call as soon as I got in.  “Hello,” Justin said on the other line.

“Hey, baby,” I say back to him.  

“How’s the weather up there?”  I can almost see him smiling at me, laughing at me.  God, he needs to be punished for that little remark.

“It’s cold, snowy, and shitty.  What the hell do you think it is?  It’s February in Pittsburgh,” I joke back at him.  “So what’s it like there?”  I know full well what it’s like down there.  Cold, but not as cold as here.  It’s most likely sixty or so.

“Not too bad,” he explained.  “I’ve got a fire in the fireplace going, and I’m just sitting here working on my application.”  I smile a little at that.  Justin and I had been talking a lot lately about him going back to school, and I’m glad that he’s going to continue.  He deserves to have an education, and knowing that he’s going back to get his art degree warms me up from the inside.  

“So have you talked to the Dean yet?”

“Yep, this afternoon as a matter of fact.  I can transfer my credits from PIFA down without any problems; I just need to get a copy of my transcripts from there.  But that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.  The Art Institute down here has a little different program, but I think I found the area I need to be in.  We’ll see, though.”

I’m glad that they are going to let him in.  He has worked hard these past couple of months to get his hand back to where – or at least close to where – it was before the accident.  Of course it will never be as good as it was before Hobbs, but to me he will always be the best damn artist I’ve ever seen.  He needs his art, and knowing that he’s going to be able to follow his dream once again is the best damn news I have gotten in a long time.  “I’ll stop by the Institute tomorrow after I get done with my meeting and pick one up.”

“Thanks.”  I can almost hear Justin’s mind working, as he thinks about what he wants to say next.  “So are you going to see the guys tomorrow?”

There it was.  I know he’s worried about me, hell, I’m worried about me – but I know that I have to try and ease his mind.  I’m not going to leave him.  I didn’t come up here to **_‘relive my old days’_**.  I didn’t come here to distance us so that I can go back down there only to leave him.  I know he’s scared, but he has no reason to be.  “I don’t know, maybe.  Don’t worry, Justin.  I’ll be fine,” I tell him trying to ease his fears.

“Brian, you know that you don’t have to do this.  Not for me.  I don’t care about any of that shit.  I love you,” he informs me.  I know he’s right, but what type of partner would I be if I did put him through all of that shit?  What type of man would treat his lover the way I have treated him in the past?  I have to put an end to it before I destroy him, and that’s what I’m going to do.  No matter what the cost.  

“Justin, I’m not doing it for you,” I tell him.  Really, I’m not doing for him.  I’m doing this for me . . . for us.  I have to be the man that he deserves.  I have to at least try.  “Don’t worry about a thing.  I’ll be back next Tuesday, and then we’re going away for a couple of days.  Just the two of us.”  
  
“Any idea where we’re going?  Or are you going to keep me in the dark,” he asked me.  I know that it’s been killing him to be in the dark, since I mentioned us going away.  I have just the place in mind, but I’m not going to tell him that.  Of course I can’t hide anything from him, so he knows that I have something already planned, but I’m not telling him.  “Come on, Brian,” he whines.  God I love it when he says my name like that.  It makes me instantly hard.  Fuck!  Why am I here again, and not there fucking him into the ground?  “How am I supposed to pack if I don’t know where we’re going?  How am I supposed to know what to wear?  Are we going somewhere warm, cold . . . Just tell me,” he begs.  

“Pack warm clothes, and that’s all I’m telling you, so don’t ask again,” I tell him with a smile on my face.  I can just picture us now – walking along the beach late at night, sitting in the tropical sun together.  It should be a very interesting trip.  I can’t wait to take him for a longer trip than just the couple days I have planned now, but that will have to wait until Summer, or at least later in the year.  One day soon, I’m going to take him to Europe; I know he dreams about going there.  But for right now, a couple of days on the beach will have to do.  Especially for what I have planned. 

“You are no fun,” he informs me.  I know he’s joking, but he’s also trying to sound hurt so I’ll tell him.  Fat chance of that happening.

“That’s not what you said last night,” I say back to him.  

“Asshole,” he laughs.

“Listen, I better get unpacked and get some sleep so that I can face Vance tomorrow.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“In whose life?”  I know I should just say good-bye and hang up, but I  can’t bring myself to do that.  I’ve only been gone a couple of hours, but already it seems like forever.  Just a couple of hours back here in this place is draining me – I can feel it.  I don’t want to lose this connection with what I know I have to do – with what I want.  

“You get plenty of sleep.  And Brian,” he begins.  I know what he’s doing, and I’m grateful that he can still see through to what needs to be done.  He can tell that we need to say good night – never NEVER goodbye.  I hate that word.  He also knows that it’s killing me to say it. 

“Yeah,” I ask, wondering what’s going on in that head of his.

“Don’t worry about a thing.  Remember you are doing this for you – it’s something that you feel you have to do.  I’m proud of you for taking this step.”  I can almost feel the tears forming behind my eyes at his words.  Hearing someone say how proud he is of me is something that I haven’t heard a lot in my life.  Someone is proud of ME!  “Just remember, they are your friends, and they love you no matter what.  Don’t give up on them or yourself.  If things get bad, just call me.  Just remember what we have planned for next week – even though you won’t tell me,” he says the last part as a joke.  I have to smile slightly.  He always has a way of grounding me.  “Love you.”

“Love you too, baby.  Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Later,” he says.

  
“Later,” I whisper back.  I hang up the phone, and grab my bags.  After unpacking, I collapse on the bed, wishing for the millionth time that day that Justin was there with me.

**************

It’s early morning when I make my way through Vanguard Headquarters toward Vance’s office.  I want to get in there and get out as soon as I can.  I can almost bet that he’s going to try and get me to work on some fuckup that someone did, or get me to do something that he feels he’s too important to do.  I already told Vance, after he fucking practically begged me – that I would stay here for a week to help him get things finalized on this account, but nothing else.  I just know he’s going to try and get me to do other shit.  That’s just the way he is.  Well, fuck that.  I don’t plan on working long hours this week.  I just want to get this shit over with so that I can go on vacation, especially since Justin and I haven’t been on a vacation ever.  Our last attempt was ruined because of business and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this one get ruined as well.  Fuck that.

I walk up to his secretary’s desk and ask to see my partner.  She checks with him via the speaker, and I am let in immediately.  As soon as I get in, I place the file on his desk and sit down in the chair across from him.  “The Parkerson account just like you asked.  Signed, sealed, and delivered,” I say, trying to keep the smugness out of my voice.  Once again, I saved his ass by getting one of the – no THE largest account this firm has yet to get.  I know that it must eat him alive to know that I have been able to get all these accounts, when in the past he had so much trouble even getting in the door to see these people.  I know that this account was one of the ones, just like Brown Athletics, he was unable to get.  

“Excellent.  I’m sure that everything is in order.”  Vance said as he begins to look over the contract and the copy of the ad Rick had done.  “I received a call from Marcus Franco,” he begins.  Marcus Franco is the CEO of the Parkerson Estates.  They are a world-renowned agency dealing with some high-class travel – the type of people that only the rich and famous deal with.  The fact that they are broadening their horizons throughout the world is an added plus for Vanguard.  “Mr. Franco was quite impressed with the work that you did down there, and was amazed with the talent and class of people who we have in the Atlanta office.”  I could’ve told him that, but I keep my mouth shut.  There are times to be a smart ass and this wasn’t one of them.  He was getting to his point here somewhere, and I would just have to wait to see what he wanted to really say.  “I can say that I am also impressed by the whole campaign.  Who were the ones who handled this account?”

Now I definitely have to watch what I say.  If Vance were to know about my relationship with Justin, I don’t know what he would think.  Not that I really care, but it could reflect badly on Justin, and that’s not something that I want him to have to go through right now.  He has enough problems with some of his co-workers because of his relationship with the ‘boss’.  Besides Vance doesn’t need to fucking know.  “Rick Johnson, Kate Richards, and Justin Taylor.”

“Yes, a fine group, from what I hear.  They have been a great asset to this firm.  And from what I understand they are the very reason why we have some of the accounts that we do.”  Vance just looks at me with his hands steepled together and fingers pressed to his lower lip, deep in thought.  He’s trying to get me to say something, but I refuse and keep the mask of indifference on my face.  Let him try and figure it out.  “In fact,  Mr. Franco tells me that he will work with no one else.  He wants these three to be the only ones to work on his account.”

This news doesn’t really surprise me, since there are a lot of accounts that will not be handled by anyone else but those three.  A lot of the people who come in, come to us because of Rick, Kate, and Justin.  They are amazing; no one can deny that.  “He told me the same thing before he left on Monday,” I inform Vance.  I continue to wonder where the hell he’s going with this, but I continue to keep my mouth shut.  

“I’m sure that they have been working hard on this account for a while now, and we can’t let them get over worked,” he stated.  Now I see where he’s going with this.  

I try not to laugh, cause I know he is trying to figure out a way to keep the three of them with the firm.  He’s worried that they’ll pack up and go to bigger and better things.  Vance sees dollar signs – he sees the three as a solid investment, a way of making more money.  Not that I can blame him, I’ve thought the same thing, but I, at least, see them as people, where he doesn’t.  “I wouldn’t worry about that too much, I gave them all next week off.  They all had brought to my attention their long hours and the effect on their personal lives, so I told them to take a week off to regroup.”  

“Good.  Excellent.  But I was actually thinking of a little more than a week off.”  Okay, now I’m interested.  I had thought about giving them all a raise, but I have to be careful what I do with Justin since I don’t really want people to think that I’m paying him for something that isn’t the truth.  I don’t need people to think that I’m paying him to be with me.  Fuck that.  Fortunately, Vance had already prepared the proper documents to give them all a raise.  I can’t help but think of how Justin and I will celebrate this new raise.  

We continue to talk about what will be happening for the rest of the week, and by lunch time I take my leave for the day.  When I leave the office, I head straight for PIFA to get Justin’s transcripts, then it’s off to the diner.  I know I should wait for this confrontation – the one I know I’m going to have – but I don’t want to put it off any longer.  I have to start to get rid of the old Brian Kinney so that I can begin my life with Justin.  

************

As I walk into the diner, I see that Deb is working – as usual.  She immediately spots me, and starts to make a scene, of course.  Hell, I can’t really blame her; the last time I saw anyone from here was back in September when Justin was in the hospital.  “Well, I’ll be damned.  Brain Kinney coming to hang out with us low folk.”

I walk over to her and kiss her lightly on the cheek.  “You are looking as lovely as ever,” I tell her.    
  


She lightly hits me on the arm, and I move over to the counter.  “No need to try and flatter me.  I know all your games,” she pretends to scold me.  I think she saw the look on my face ‘cause she stopped and bent over the counter to look me in the eye.  “What’s wrong, sweetie?  Is Justin okay?”  
  


I shake my head – clearing my thoughts.  How do I tell them that they don’t know me anymore?  They don’t know who I am now.  I begin to wonder if I can actually do this.  What will they think?  Will they turn their backs on me?  I don’t think I can survive if I don’t have them in my life – even if it is from miles away.  “Justin’s fine, Deb.  In fact he’s going to be going back to school in another month or so,” I inform her.  I am so proud of Justin that I can’t keep it hidden.  I don’t want to either.  I know that Deb loves Justin like one of her own; she always has and always will.  I hope to have her come down one day this coming summer to stay with Justin and I.  I know Justin would like that.  No matter what he may say about not being ready to face them yet, I know that he misses each and every one of them.  Even Michael.  

Deb places a cup of coffee in front of me, then leans forward to rest her arms on the counter.  “So what’s wrong?  Things are going okay for you and Sunshine right?”

“Things couldn’t be better,” I tell her.  So it’s mostly true, but since we got on this subject, I begin to feel a little defensive about my relationship with Justin.  I remember all the times that one of us was getting yelled at or scolded because of something.  I remember all of the looks everyone gave us, all the sighs of defeat.  They have always judged us, and tried to fix us.  That was part of the reason why we had some many problems here.  Everyone tried to fix the problem – even if there wasn’t a problem, we would come up with one ‘cause everyone seemed to think that they had to make an issue out of it.  Whatever IT was.  “I’m here on business, nothing more.  I’ll be here for a couple of days, then I’ll be going back home.”

I can see that she’s pleased with what I told her, at least she’s partly pleased.  I told her I’d be going home.  Home is wherever Justin is for me.  It’s that simple.  Even if we had to live in a box under a bridge – if Justin was there with me it would be home.  But it was the look that she gave me.  The quick flash in her eyes.  The look that said ‘don’t screw this up.’  I want to yell, I want to scream, but I don’t.  Instead, I just level my eyes to her own, and calmly tell her how it is.  “I don’t trick, Deb, so you can forget about it.  I love Justin, and I’m not going to fuck it up.”

Suddenly she reaches across the counter and pulls me into a tight hug, practically crying on my shoulder.  “You little fuck.  I knew you could do it.  I’m so fucking proud of you.”

I feel a little embarrassed as people in the diner turn to look at the display.  “Okay, Deb.  Fuck,” I say as I pull away from her.  “Can we keep the motherly love display down to a minimum?  It’s not a big deal.”

“The fuck it ain’t,” she says, hitting me upside the head.  I try not to laugh.  I forgot what it was like having Deb around all the time, and I find myself missing it.  “You’ve finally grown up.  I never thought I’d live to see the day.”

“It’s no big deal.  Justin told me that he didn’t care, but . . .” I begin.  That was something that had been bothering me from the moment Justin had said that.  No matter what he said, I knew that if I did go and fuck around it would kill him.  Things would never be the same.  I would destroy the one thing in my life that means anything to me, and I won’t do that.  “I can’t do that to him,” I honestly say to her.  I know that Deb will understand.  She may think I’m an asshole, but she has always been supportive of Justin’s and my relationship.  Okay, so she was a little TOO supportive at times, but that’s just the way she is.  Deb won’t let anyone mess with one of her boys, even if it is one of her boys that is doing the messing.  

“Atlanta has been good for you,” she tells me with a sad smile.  I know she misses Justin and I, but she’s happy that we’re back together.

“It has.  I’m happy, Justin’s happy. . . what more could a person ask for?” I say with a smile.  And it isn’t a lie.  I am happy.  I love Justin, and I won’t let anything come between us again.  Especially not my fucked up past.  This is why I really came here.  It wasn’t to see Gardner Vance; it was to try and get support from my family.  It was to let them know that I’ve changed.  Deb can see that, and she’ happy for me.  Knowing that she’s supportive and that she’ll be there for me like she always had in the past, makes me happy.  Deb never let me willingly fuck something up, especially when she knew that I could do better, and deserved better.  She told me once when I was little that one day I would wake up and wish to change my life around – that I would be able to get past all the shit that Joanie and Jack Kinney did to me.  I thought I had done that when I went to college – and after graduation, became a top ad executive.  How wrong I was.  In truth it started to happen the night of Justin’s prom, and finally came to a conclusion when he left my life a year ago.  Justin made me WANT to change, and I think I actually feel better about myself now.

Deb and I talk for a while longer about things.  Before I go, I tell her that I will stop by her place before I leave to talk some more.  It is nice to just sit and talk with her.  She knows everything about me, and she won’t let me fall flat on my face.  I love her for that.  When she moves back to continue working, I try and think of who I wanted to see next, and the answer really is obvious.  I almost kick myself for not going there the moment I got off the plane the night before.  

***********

I spent the rest of the night with Lindsey, Mel, and Gus.  I never thought I would miss my son this much, but holding him, seeing him that night sent a sharp pain straight to my heart.  All night long I just held him close to me, played with him, fed him, whatever I could do so that I was near him in every way.  I talk to Lindsey about them coming down sometime in the coming months so that Justin can see Gus.  I know that he misses him almost as much as I do.  It would be great to see the smile on Justin’s face as we take Gus to the zoo, or to see the laser light show at Stone Mountain.  I miss having my two boys together all the time, and I guess I just want to spend time with the two most important people in my life.  Lindsey says that she’ll come down, and we decide to talk soon about the plans.  

After leaving the munchers, I go home, call Justin and crawl into bed.  It seems strange sleeping without Justin beside me, but eventually I am able to relax enough to get a couple of hours of sleep.  

By mid-afternoon the next day, I was once again finished with work and made my way toward the comic book store.  I had to talk to Mikey, I had to see what he thought of the “new” me.  Mikey is the one that I don’t think I could live without.  He’s always been there no matter what.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when we had both  wanted to kill the other, but we have always come through it with our heads held high.  He’s the one that I need the most to accept who I am now.  I know he doesn’t like Justin that much, he never really did, but I can only hope that he’ll support me.  As I open the door, the little bell goes off.  God, I hate that fucking thing.  I feel like I’m walking into a little antique store or some stupid shit.  Mikey looks up and is in shock.  “Hey, Mikey,” I say, right before I am engulfed in a hug.  I pull back slightly and kiss him lightly on the cheek.  “How’s business?”  I walk over to a bin of comics, and start to look through the selection.  Trying to remain calm and not let him see how nervous I really was was not easy.

“What the hell are you doing here?  Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?” Mikey asked.

  
I cringe slightly at the questions, since I’m not sure myself how to answer them.  “I’m here on business, Mikey, nothing else.  And I thought I’d surprise you,” I say with a little grin.  I didn’t even say anything about this not being home for me anymore; I didn’t think Mikey was ready to face that.  He still believes that I will one day come back here and things will get back to the way they were before.  I know it will crush him to know that I don’t plan on ever coming back here for an extended amount of time.  But I know I need to have Mikey to still be my friend, especially for what I have planned for later on this week.  I need Mikey to be around to bail my ass out of jail if the need arises, and the only way I can do that is to try and get him to accept me as I am now.  Okay, so my thinking is fucked, but since when has it ever been stable?  

“This is a surprise.  How long you here for?” he asks me kinda hopefully.  I know that he wants me to stay here, but I can’t lie to him.

“Until Tuesday afternoon.  Then I catch the fight out to Hartsfield.  But at least we’ve got a couple days to hang out, right?” I state, silently hoping that things are okay between us.

“Tuesday?”  Fuck, he’s not happy.

“Yeah, Tuesday.  I can’t stay here, Mikey.  My job is there, my stuff is there, hell, everything is down there.”

“Justin’s down there,” he states.  The way he says Justin’s name almost sends me leaping across the damn bin to grab him around the throat.  I had hoped that he had let his anger at Justin go, but obviously there is still a part of him that will always hate Justin for what he represents in my life.  

“Yes, Justin’s down there,” I say slowly, as if I’m talking to a child.  I want to get it through Mikey’s head that no matter what, Justin will be a part of my life.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t want Mikey to be a part of it, too.  “We live together, he’s my partner . . . and I love him,” I tell him.  I think that this is the first time that I’ve told anyone from here that.  Well, except maybe Lindz, but I know I have never stated this much to Mikey.  I can see the immediate shock on his face, but he quickly tries to hide it by looking through the bin.  It’s one thing to know it, but it’s another thing to have it verbally stated – especially by me.  “Mikey,” I begin.  I have to get him to understand.  “Look, just because Justin and I are together, and we will be for a long time to come, doesn’t mean that we can’t still be friends.”

Mikey throws one of the comic books down on top of the others and stares at me.  “He hurt you, Brian.  How can you forgive him for what he did to you?”

I take a deep breath, hoping to stay calm.  I know he means well, but I will not let anyone talk badly about Justin.  And truth be told, no one here can say a damn thing about our relationship.  I don’t give a fuck what they think.  Yeah, I want their acceptance, but I don’t fucking need it.  “I hurt him too, Mikey, or did you forget that part?” I begin.  I have to take another deep breath ‘cause I can hear the anger rising in my voice.  Getting angry at Mikey now is not what I had come here for.  “Look, Mikey. . . Both Justin and I have made a lot of mistakes before, but we’ve worked through them.  It’s taken a lot of time to get to where we are at, and I would like to think that I have your support.  I’m fucking new at this whole relationship crap, and I need my friend to help me through it.  To be there for me.”

“I honestly don’t know if I can, Brian,” he tells me.  Well, at least he’s being fucking honest with me.  “I don’t want to see you hurt, and frankly, I don’t trust Justin.”

“You don’t have to like him . . .” I begin.

“It’s not that, Brian. . .Fuck!”  I just stare at him.  I remember all the times that he had told me over the years that Justin shouldn’t be there, that he was just a little nuisance.  How can he say that he likes Justin?  I’m so fucking confused.  “I admit I didn’t like him at first, but I can say he’s not too bad.  I just don’t think that he’s good for you.  He’ll only hurt you again, and I will not stand by and let it happen.”

“What the fuck are you planning on doing about it?” I yell.  “You have no say in what I do, or who I see.  Dammit, Mikey.  For once in my life . . . for the first time in my life, I am happy.  I am completely satisfied with how my life is.  I am in love . . . and I can see myself living out my life with someone.  So what if that person is Justin . . . I thought you’d be happy for me.  You should be happy for me.  You know how hard it is for me to admit this type of shit.  You know what my life has been like.  I’m trying to change for the better, Mikey.  I’ve stopped being. . . at least I’m trying to stop being the asshole that I have been for the past thirty-one years.”  I walk up to Mikey and place my hands on the side of his face, forcing him to look me in the eye.  I have to try and get through to him.  “I love him, Mikey.  I’m happy – truly happy for the first time in my life.  I want you to be happy for me, too.  I don’t want to lose my best friend.  I don’t think I can handle that.  Please don’t put me in the position of having to choose between you and Justin.”

Mikey turns away from me, and I can only stand there and watch him.  I run my hands through my hair in a desperate attempt to calm my nerves, but it’s not working.  I fucking feel raw.  “I don’t know, Brian.  I just don’t know.”

Closing my eyes, I can only nod.  “Please think about it.  I’ll be in town till Tuesday,” I say as I make my way to the door.  “I love you, Mikey.  I always have . . . but I’m in love with Justin, and nothing’s going to change that.  Think about what I said.  If you can’t accept who I am now, then we’ll just leave it here, but if you think you can . . . and you want to continue this . . . you know where I’ll be.”  With that I just walk out of the store without looking back.  I can only hope he thinks about this and decides that he is still willing to be my friend.  I’m not asking him to be Justin’s best friend . . . I just want him to accept ME, the new me.  I want to have my friend there with me, to support me, to laugh with me, or fucking cry with me.  I don’t want to lose Mikey, but I will if I have to.  I won’t be put in a position to where I have to decide between Mikey and Justin.  Mikey, no matter what will always be in my heart, will be a part of me . . . but I can’t live without Justin.  I know that for a fact.  Mikey would lose.  

***************

The moment I walk into the loft, I head straight to the phone, and call home.  Since today was Justin’s doctor’s appointment, I have to know what the outcome of it was.  I am nervous as hell, and want only the good news.  I try hard to put my conversation with Mikey out of my mind, but it is hard.  I can’t let Justin know about the torment that I am feeling right now.  I just can’t.  He has so much other shit going on that he doesn’t need to know about this – at least not yet.  “Hello,” Justin answers.  He sounds like he just woke up cause his voice is coarse.

“Did I wake you?” I ask, looking at the clock.  It was still early evening – only seven or so, and I instantly worry that something is wrong.

“Just taking a short nap.  It’s been a busy day,” he answers.  Already he sounds better to me, and it edges the fear off a little bit.

“So how did the appointment go?” I ask, praying for good news.

“It went,” he began.  “They say that my leg is healing, just slowly.  There’s one section of the bone that they’re a little worried about since it doesn’t look to be healing right.”

“So what are they going to do about it?” I ask.  Not healing right. . . Fuck!  I had hoped that this whole mess could be over with, but then I realize that it only has been a couple of months.  They had said it could take a year or so before he is healed.  Still that doesn’t make me feel any better.  I know how much this hurts Justin – how much that Justin would like to be able to do all the things that he used to do.  What I wouldn’t do to allow Justin to walk normally down the street, to be able to dance at the clubs.  But of course all that was dependent on how quickly and how well his legs healed.  

No matter how much they healed, Justin was still in constant pain.  “They’re not really sure, yet.  Of course there’s always another surgery, but the doc wants to see if there is another option.  I don’t know.  Hell, I don’t know if I really care right now,” Justin told me.  I can almost hear the defeat in his voice.  This whole thing is just dragging him down even more.  We both had high hopes that this whole nightmare would be over soon, but that was being washed away.  “But it’s okay.  I’m fine with it.  We’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out.”

I have to smile at Justin’s attempt to make light of the whole situation.  It’s just like him to try and downplay the whole thing.  He’s always trying to make things easier on me, and I love him for that, even if it pisses me off at times.  Most of the time I don’t WANT him to make me feel better; to make things EASY on me.  Of course there’s not a damn thing I can do about that.  He won’t change and there’s that small part of me that doesn’t want him to.  Fuck, I am so screwed.  “Yeah, we’ll see,” I quietly say.  

“So how are things there?  Did you talk to Michael yet,” he asks changing the subject.  I should feel relieved that he’s changing it, but did he have to change the subject to that?  To the one thing I have YET to figure out for myself?  

“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell him.  And I don’t.

“Brian. . .”

“Don’t worry about it.  Mikey and I had a talk, and . . . we’ll have to wait and see,” I say throwing his words from moments ago back.  

I can hear Justin’s frustrated sigh, and as much as I hate it, there’s nothing I can say or do right now that will change this fact.  “He hates me,” I hear him say.

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Yes, he does, Brian.  You can’t lie about that.  He hates that I hurt you before, and he’ll never forgive me for that.  I can’t blame him.”

I close my eyes trying to come up with SOMETHING to say, but I don’t know what it would be.  I wish that Justin and Mikey could get past this mess and at least be on somewhat civil terms, but I’m not sure that it will ever happen.  “Mikey is only looking out for me . . . doing what he thinks is the right thing to do.”

“I know.”

“Let’s not talk about Mikey right now, okay,” I tell him.  I can feel a headache coming on, and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.  Of course it would be a whole hell of a lot better if I could hold Justin close to me, but right now that’s not possible.  “So what are you wearing?”  I ask, knowing that he will immediately forget anything and everything about Mikey, or the fucking doctors.  If Justin is anything, he is predictable when it comes to sex.  

“You are so full of shit,” he laughs.  I know that things will be alright between us.  I just know it will.

*************

I wait until Friday night to make this little trip.  Hell, the last thing I need is to end up in jail and miss work because of it.  But then again, we’ll see what comes out of it.  This is something that I have wanted to do since forever it seems.  With all the shit this asshole has done, he will sit and listen to what I have to say.  If not . . . well he will sit there.  I was told once that you don’t let an Irishman stew on something, you don’t give them time to sit and think about something.  You just let them go.  If we are one thing it is stubborn.  Okay, so we’re stubborn with a sharp temper – a wicked temper.  And really it’s not our immediate reaction that is bad . . . it’s when we have time to come up with the ‘proper’ response, and reaction.  No, that is something that you shouldn’t mess with.  Of course I’m not really sure if it is all Irishmen, but it sure as hell is me.  And I’ll blame it on the damn Irish blood if I want to.

I step up to the door, and knock.  When the door opens, I try not to show my surprise at the young woman who answers, but I turn on the charm telling her that I’m an old college buddy of our ‘dear friend’ and she let’s me in and leads me to the small den area.  I sit there on the couch facing away from the door, not wanting him to see me before I’m ready.  When he enters the room and spots me sitting casually on his couch he freezes.  Fuck, what I wouldn’t do to have a fucking camera with me at that moment.  The look on his face is priceless, but it disappears quickly as the look of hate fills his features.  Good, let him hate me.  I don’t care.  “What he hell are you doing here?  Get the fuck out of my house!”

I just sit there studying my fingernails, not really paying him any attention, and I know that it’s just pissing him off even more.  “I’m here to talk about your son.  Don’t you care what is happening to Justin?” I ask.  Of course I know that he doesn’t but I just want to twist the knife in a little more.

I want to hear him say it to me.  “I don’t have a son,” he states simply, angrily, and I just fucking want to explode.  “You have nothing I want to hear.  You can just get the fuck out of my house right now.”

“Actually you have a nice house here, Craig,” I say, looking around the nicely furnished – expensively furnished house.  “You’ve done good for yourself.  Too bad you had to spend so much money on this . . . this cheap imitation Italian furniture.  Is this supposed to be Cellini?  Man you got ripped off.  How much did you spend on this?  Never mind ‘cause evidently it was more than enough that you couldn’t spend a dime on your own son’s fucking education.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are to come into my home and insult me?”

I can tell he’s getting angry, and I can only smile.  Let him get angry.  I WANT him angry.  “I think I’m the . . . oh wait what did you say. . .”  I sit there on the couch, and it was a poor imitation at best – and just snap my fingers “trying” to think of the right words.  What a joke.  Like I would ever forget the shit this asshole said.  “Oh yeah, I was that monster . . .that pedophile.  That’s right.  I’m the one who seduced your son, and fucked up your family.”  Before he can say anything in reaction to that, I stand suddenly and get right in his face.  “Let me tell you something, and for once you are going to fucking sit there and listen.  So sit your ass down before I put you down.  Trust me you don’t want me to do that,” I inform him.  All I want to do at that moment is to fucking rip his dick off and shove it up his ass, but then again, he just may like that.  

  
I guess the look on my face told him not to push me, and he sits down in one of the chairs.  “Not such a big man face to face are you?  Not so big now that you aren’t sneaking up on me . . . Are you?” I hiss, leaning down so that I can look him in the eye.  My arms are on either side of him – trapping him in.  “You are a worthless piece of shit,” I tell him.  “I can’t believe that Justin is actually hurt by the fact that you don’t want anything to do with him.  If I had my way you would never have to hear about him again, but Justin still . . . loves you,” I cringe.  I almost feel like throwing up at the thought of Justin still caring for this homophobic asshole, but I know he does.  That’s the worst part in all of this.  Justin continues to be hurt by this man, and no matter what, it’s going to stop now.  I will not allow Craig Taylor to hurt Justin anymore.  I won’t allow it.

“I know all about you, and people like you.  You think that just because Justin likes to suck cock, and take it up the ass that he is the lowest of pond scum.”  Okay, so I’m being a little graphic, but the look on Craig’s face is priceless.  He just gets this look of disgust, and it takes all my power not to dig a little deeper, to push the knife in deeper, and harder.  God, I want him to feel just a fraction of the pain that Justin has gone through.  I want him to bleed.  “Well, let me tell you something.  Justin is more of a man than you EVER have been or ever will be.  Being gay doesn’t mean that you can’t have a family . . . it doesn’t make you any less of a person.  Justin is the strongest person that I know . . . and I know for sure that he didn’t get that from you.”

“You wish that Hobbs had finished the job?”  God, I fucking feel sick just at the thought of that night.  Just the thought of seeing Justin smiling at me as the bat swung.  Fuck, all that blood, the sound . . . it’s a sight that I will live with for the rest of my life.  “Well that little fuck didn’t finish the job.  Justin’s still here.  He survived the attack, and he survived the car accident.  So I guess he’ll be around for a long LONG time.  He’ll be a great artist one day. . . hell he already is. . . and when he does, is that when you’ll care?  Is that when you’ll come to him when you’re old and fucking gray, begging him for money?”  I can almost see Craig turn into Jack.  I can see Craig going up to Justin and begging for money just like Jack did to me all the time.  I will not allow Justin to fall into that trap.  No fucking way.  Justin will not feel responsible and will never give this jackass anything if I have anything to say about it.  And hell, I plan on being around in Justin’s life a long time to come.  

I know that he thinks that there is no money to be made in Justin’s art, I can see it in the man’s eyes.  He just thinks that Justin is wasting his time, so I figure that I’ll go in for the kill.  Let him see that what he wanted for his son, and what his son wants could be the same thing.  Let this jerk see that if he had just thought for once about what Justin wanted, he would’ve been able to see that they both would win.  “But then again, I guess right now he already has that.”  I can see the confusion sneaking into his eyes, temporarily masking the hate and disgust.  “You see, Justin is already not only nationally known and respected, but world wide.”

“What the fuck are you talking about,” he asks, and I know I got his attention.  I grab the small folder that I had brought with me from the couch and hand it to him.  I know that he’s seen some of these ads and I wait to see what his reaction will be.  I watch as first confusion, then shock, and then once again anger all play out on his face.  “What is this?”

“What don’t you recognize your own son’s work?” I ask innocently.  “You see Justin is in business, just like you wanted . . . except he’s also doing his art like he wanted.  And making a whole hell of a lot of money at it too.”

“You’re lying,” he says, but it doesn’t hold the same tone that it had before.

“Don’t believe me, I don’t fucking care.”  I step away from Craig and stand in front of him.  I turn to the door and begin to make my way out, but stop and turn back to him.  “Oh, one last thing before I leave,” I say without turning around.  “If you ever come near Justin again, or try to talk to him again . . .”  I turn to face the man that I hate with a passion.  I know that none of this will make a damn bit of difference.  You can’t change a person like him, but it sure makes me feel a little better.  Knowing that I have shown him that his son is not the worthless piece of trash that he thinks he is.  But as I said, I know that when I leave here, he’ll forget.  He’s just that type of person.  “If you ever . . . well, you don’t want to do it.  Trust me.”

Craig then shoots up out of the chair and comes near me.  I watch as his arm moves back as if he’s going to hit me.  I am on him quickly, reaching out and grabbing his arm, I twist it around his back, and slam him into the wall – hard.  I push his arm as far up his back as I can, almost wanting to feel the bones break beneath my hands, wanting to snap it like a twig.  Instead I lean in real close to his ear, and simply whisper in it.  “If you ever come near Justin again I will fucking kill you.”  I slam him against the wall one more time, then let go and walk to the door.  “Have a nice night,” I say sweetly as I open the door and leave.  

I have to get away from there as quickly as possible before I storm back into that room and really do some damage.  I almost hate myself for letting him off easy.  He never let Justin off easy.  I do however, allow a small smile come out as I think of the slight cut on his lip from where his face crashed into the wall, and the way his arm was being limply held against his chest.  I felt a slight sense of power when I felt the delicate muscles beneath my hands stretch and turn as I twisted his arm.  If he doesn’t have his arm in sling for a couple of days, I’d be surprised.  

  
Damn that felt good.  I finally feel free.  I realized that when I had Craig locked in that hold, I could almost see Jack Kinney calling me worthless, wishing ME dead.  The entire time I was talking to Craig, I could almost see Jack there, saying the same type of shit to me that Craig had said to Justin.  The two men were more alike then I care to admit, but it felt good to finally let loose.  I finally was able to not only cause Craig Taylor some pain for what he had done to Justin, but I got the unexpected relief of finally setting myself free from Jack Kinney.  

I think one more stop is in order before I leave good ol’ Pitts.  I turn the car toward the cemetery, to give Jack Kinney one FINAL fuck you.

*************

Tuesday morning as I look around the loft to make sure that I have everything before I head to the airport for my flight back home, I can’t help but feel a slight sense of loss.  It has been days since I had last heard from Mikey, and I had hoped that we could still be friends.  I can only guess that since I hadn’t heard from him, that he had decided that he couldn’t do it.  No matter how much it pains me, I know that I can’t do anything about it.  I won’t give up Justin like he wants me to.  No way in hell will I ever do that.  I open the door to put my bags in the rental car, I stop at the sight before me.  “Hey,” he says, looking a little lost.

“Hey.  So?” I ask him.  I need to know before I continue this conversation.  I need to know where I stand.  

Mikey just stands there and give me a small smile, and I know that we’ll be okay.  It’ll be a rough ride, but at least we’ll try and get through it together.  “Need a ride to the airport?”

I try not to laugh, and I suddenly feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest.  The same weight that had been there since I had stepped off of the plane here in Pittsburgh.  “Sure, help me get this shit down to the car, and I’ll even make sure that you have money for a cab back to the store,” I tell him with a smile as I just look at him.  I reach across the threshold and pull him into a hug, and lightly kiss him on the lips.  “Thanks, Mikey,” I whisper in his ear, letting him know just how much this means to me.

  
”Don’t get all sappy on me,” he says through slight tears but letting a smile appear on his face.  “You have a plane to catch.”

Grabbing the luggage, I stop to take one last look around the loft.  The same place that started it all.  The place I used to call home.  Setting the alarm, I say good-bye to the past.  I walk out and shut the heavy door, finally able to let go.  It’s time to move forward.

**************

_ and I am aglow with the taste / of the demons driven out _

_ and happily replaced / with the presence of real love _

_ the only one who saves / I wanna dance with you _

_ I see a world where people live and die with grace _

_ the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace _

_ I wanna dance with you _

_ I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds _

_ and lead us back to a world we would not face _

__

_ Dance With Me by Live _

__

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

** *BRIAN* **

“Brian,” Justin began as we moved through the airport toward our gate.  I had yet to tell Justin where we were headed, and I had made sure to keep the young man in the dark the entire time.  I even went so far as to check in all of our baggage, all the while keeping the tickets away from him, which of course irritated Justin to no end.  “Where are we going?  How can I help find the gate if I don’t know the flight number or anything else?”

I tried not to laugh, really I did, as I lead the way through the crowd toward our gate.  “I’m just amazed that we were able to get here since you set off all the damn alarms.”

Justin halted his movements – standing in the middle of the crowded hallway to stare at me.  I turn and look at him, seeing the look of disbelief, and slight irritation on his face.  It is almost enough to make me laugh even more.  “It’s not my fault that the metal detectors didn’t like all the metal in my leg.  I couldn’t believe that they wanted to check my crutches to see if there was anything hidden in them.  I know that security is tight now, but damn,” Justin said shaking his head.  The whole mess at the security check-in had been trying to say the least.  I’m just glad that I remembered to bring a couple of pages out of his medical records to show that what we were telling the guy was true.  The last thing I wanted to do was spend my vacation in fucking jail because the metal in Justin’s leg set off the fucking alarm.  

I can tell that he’s upset by it, so I walk up to Justin and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.  “It was kinda funny,” I finally laugh.  

“Fuck you.  You weren’t the one that they wanted to practically strip search.”

“Could’ve been fun,” I tell him with a slight smile.  I could almost picture it now.  Granted I am glad that it didn’t get that far, I would have hated to have to kick someone’s ass for touching him.  I hate that little jealous streak I have.  Fuck!  “Now, let’s just go.  We have a vacation to get to.”

Justin leaned back slightly so he could look me in the eye.  “So where are we going?”

I lean in so that our foreheads touched lightly, letting our breath warm the other’s skin.  “Fine . . . We’re taking that trip that you won all those years ago,” I tell him with a slight smile.

  
I can’t help but feel the warmth that is being radiated by Justin’s skin.  “We’re going to the Bahamas?”

“Well the King never did get to take his trip, so why not?”

Justin wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling our bodies closer together.  “Thank you.”

“Careful there, Sonnyboy.  Those damn crutches hurt,” and it’s not a lie either.  When he holds me this close, those damn crutches get in the way of what I want.  It’s a pain.  I can say that I am silently thrilled that Justin was so happy.  This would be a whole new beginning for the two of us, and knowing that I was able to put another part of our past to rest was something that I was more than happy to do.  After Justin had won the King of Babylon Contest and the trip to the Bahamas, I honestly had secretly planned to take the young man there for a graduation present – of course that was after I had gotten over my **slight** jealousy over the whole thing.  It _was_ slight.   Really it was.  It was just that when I saw Justin and that trick in the backroom – Justin fucking that . . . that kid . . . I can’t even begin to describe it.  It’s almost the same – okay on a lesser scale – but the same feeling I got seeing Justin in bed with Mikey.  Don’t go there, Kinney. 

Anyway, the trip that I had planned had fallen by the wayside, all because of the swinging of a bat.  

But now I want to give Justin the trip that he’d never gotten to enjoy before.   “Come on, let’s get to the plane before it leaves without us.”

*************

** *JUSTIN* **

I just sat looking out the window of the plane as it started its descent on the small island.  The water looked clear and welcoming as the sun reflected its light across the land beneath us.  This was the trip that I had wanted so badly over a year ago.  Granted, when I had entered the contest I had never once thought about the trip – it was all about showing Brian that I wasn’t going to be second best.  It was about proving to Brian that I was hot – and could get anyone there I wanted.  It was about forcing him to see that I wasn’t going to be sitting around waiting for him any longer.  Of course, it wasn’t until the days that followed that I had even thought about the trip.  I wanted so badly to come here as my graduation gift to myself, sort of a final farewell to my high school days.  It was supposed to be the beginning of a whole new time for me – a whole new **ME**.  But then Chris Hobbs had ruined that, had ruined a lot for me.  

I shake my head, hoping to clear the thoughts that had suddenly come to the forefront, and turned my attention back to the scenery outside the small window of the plane.  “It’s beautiful,” I whisper, and it is.  

As we get off the plane, we quickly retrieve our luggage, and head for the hotel.  Once again I find myself sitting here looking out at the landscape in awe.  It IS beautiful here, and all that I can think of is that I am here with the man I love.  The one thing that I never would’ve imagined when I first thought about a trip to the Bahamas.  Hell, one thing I never would’ve imagined a year ago.  But here we are. 

As we approach the hotel, I can see the large statutes that were before the building.  I have seen the commercials on this place, but I can say that they don’t do this place justice, ‘cause I never thought that it was anything like this.  **_Atlantis, Paradise Island, Bahamas_**.  It is Paradise.  The name of this island is very fitting, in my humble opinion, of course.  I can see the palm trees moving with the gentle breeze that comes across the water, the bright blue sky above us, and the golden, flying horses surrounded by water in the large fountain in front of the hotel.  Granted I wish that I could enjoy all of the waterslides that were in the Mayan temple that I had heard about, but I guess that it only means that the two of us will have to come back here someday in the future. 

After we checked in, we made our way toward the Royal Tower.  I couldn’t believe the treatment that they were getting – it was almost too much.  We were getting treated like royalty, and it was shocking.  I heard someone say something about a private elevator.  Fuck, Brian definitely goes all out.  “You always have to go first class, don’t you?” I ask smiling at my lover.

  
”What would be the point of a fucking vacation, if you don’t enjoy it?  Besides you know I like my privacy.”

I can only laugh and shake my head, all the time wondering what Brian has planned for the two of us this week.  Brian had the whole thing planned out, and I could only stand by and wait for things to unfold.  When the door to our room is open, I quickly walk in and look around.  The room is a large one-bedroom suite with a living room, and dining parlor.  Off to the side I can see a large, full, private balcony facing the ocean.  I walk further into the room past the king-sized bed, and straight into the bathroom.  Inside I noticed the separate shower, and a large whirlpool tub.  Turning around, I smile at Brian who is sitting on the couch.  I can just picture all the fun we can have in that room.  “This is perfect.”

“Well, if you’re done admiring the place, I’m hungry,” Brian said as he stood.  

As quickly as I can, I move over to Brian and reach my hand up to his neck so I can pull him down to me.  “Thank you.  I love it.”

“I love you,” Brian answers as he traces my full lips with his tongue.  “Come on, let’s go eat.”

I shake my head slightly then looked back into Brian’s eyes.  “Fuck that,” I whisper as I pull him down into a deeper kiss and back down onto the couch.  “Let’s order in.”

**************

** *BRIAN* **

“Justin,” I quietly whisper in Justin’s ear.  Of course the only response I get is the slight tightening of Justin’s arms around my body.  “Justin, wake up.”

“No, I wanna stay here,” the younger man mumbles into my chest.  I guess it’s time for some drastic measures.  I quickly throw the covers off of us so I can get up.  I make my way to the bathroom, stealing a glance toward the bed.  I see Justin reach out toward the covers that are now on the floor.  “No,” Justin groans.

“Come on, sleepyhead.  There’s a lot to see.”  Despite the fact that I want to crawl back into bed with him, and fuck him senseless all the damned day long, I do want to do something during this trip.  I did promise Lindsey and hell, Mikey, a little something from this whole thing.  The sooner we get that shit done, the sooner I can really enjoy this little trip.  I shower quickly, and make my way toward the closet to get dressed.  Justin is still lying on the bed with a pillow over his head.  Oh the possibilities.  

What the hell?  I jump on the bed right beside him.  “ ** _Fuck_** , Brian,” he yells into the pillow.  “I’m up, I’m up.”

“Good, now get ready so we can get the bullshit out of the way,” I tell him.  Justin gets up out of bed finally and reaches for the crutches I placed next to him.  I know he hates those things, but I’m not going to have him walking around fucking up his leg even more than it already is.  I can say I’m still pissed that it’s not healing right.  The good ol’ doc went so far as to tell us that they may have to re-break the bone so that they can reset it.  It sure as hell **_sounds_** painful, and I’m not the one who has to go through that.  Just the thought of Justin having to go through that shit again on purpose – it scares the shit out of me.  I want this shit to be over with, but I know it won’t for a long, long time.  

Why can’t our lives ever be easy?

By the time Justin comes out, I’m already dressed and reading the morning paper that was deposited outside my door.  Hey what do you expect for the money I’m dishing out for this place?  I think I could get used to this – what am I thinking, Justin always has coffee and my paper out for me every morning.  It’s just like home.  

“So you never did tell me how things went back in Pittsburgh,” Justin said as I heard him moving through the room.  I know he has been wondering what I had done, who I saw – whatever.  But I’m not really sure what I want to tell him.  

“Did I tell you that you guys -- and I mean Kate, Rick, and yourself -- are all going to be getting raises,” I inform him, halting **_ANY_** discussion of who I saw.

Justin quickly, well as quickly as he could, came out of the bedroom to look at me – eyes wide.  Fuck he can move fast on those damn things.  “What?” he asks.  I try not to smile at my success at avoiding the discussion I’m not ready to have yet.  “You’re kidding, right?”

“Now why would I kid about something like that?  Vance had the paperwork ready when I got there, and he also told me that the three of you were exceptional workers,” I inform him while pretending to read my paper.  I can see him come closer to me, the shock still evident on his face.  

Suddenly the paper is ripped from my hands and Justin sits down partly on my lap so that we’re facing each other.  “He really said that?”  I nod in response, enjoying the look in his eyes – the pure excitement being reflected there.  I want him to always have that look, ‘cause I know I wouldn’t be able to survive if I saw the look I did a year ago in his eyes.  That look of utter defeat and unhappiness.  I **_never_** want to see that look again.  “Holy shit.  Wait until Rick and Kate hear this.  Fuck!”

“You do know, however, that it only means more responsibility.  And the fact that some of our clients won’t work with anyone else,” I tell him.  I know he already knows this, but I also don’t want him to think that things will get easier from now on.  I made that mistake when I became partner.  I thought it would make things easier, but my life has only gotten a lot harder since that day.  

“I know that.  I may be blond but I’m not stupid,” he says with a smile on his face.

“Ah yes . . . what was it?  Mr. _‘I got 1500 on my SATs’_?”  I reach up to lightly run my finger across his cheek as I lean in to kiss him.  God, I could die in his kisses.  I pull back and look him over.  “Ready to go?”

Justin nods and I help him up.  “So what is on the agenda for today?”

“I want to get these fucking presents out of the way,” I tell him.  Justin only looks at me in confusion, and I remember that I forgot to mention to him about Lindsey’s visit soon.  “Lindsey said she’s going to bring Gus down next month, and then of course she fucking gave me a list of things to get them.”

“They’re coming down?” Justin asked.  I was a little nervous about telling him, I admit.  I mean I don’t know how ready he is to see all of them, and of course I didn’t talk to him about it before.  So I’m not real good at this whole relationship thing yet, but I’m working on it.  I look up and see the smile on his face, and I am silently relieved.  “When?”

“We’re not sure yet,” I tell him.  “We’re going to talk about it, see when a good time will be.”

I can’t help but smile slightly at the glow Justin is giving off – definitely showing that Deb gave him the proper nickname.  That fucking smile of his can light up the room.  “So I guess things went pretty well up there,” he states.

  
Fuck, fuck, fuck . . . .FUCK!  I didn’t want to go here yet.  But here I am.  Open mouth and insert foot.  Good job, Kinney.  **FUCK**!  “We’ll talk about it later,” I tell him.  I don’t want to get into it now.  Silently I hope that he can tell I just want to enjoy this time, and NOT think about that shit.  Okay, so in a way I just don’t want him to think about what I did to his father, but that’s beside the point.  I am not ready for lecture number one thousand on ‘I can take care of myself’ BS.  He is going to be pissed if and when he finds out about that.  “Can we go shopping now?”

“Yes, Brian, we can go.  But don’t think that this conversation is over,” he tells me and I know that this is far from the end.  If Justin is anything it is persistent.  It’s the reason why I both love and hate him.

**************

As we walked down the busy streets, I always made sure that Justin was close by.  I’m not sure why exactly, but it seems that since the bashing I don’t want him out of my sight for long.  It would’ve been easier if I could’ve just held his hand in mine as we walked, but since the accident that has been impossible.  I can’t wait until he’s fucking better.  It definitely will make MY life a whole lot better.  He stops in front of a store, and the first and ONLY thought that enters my mind is Deb.  Inside are elaborate displays of the worst fucking things that I’ve ever laid eyes on.  Of course Justin just has to take a look.  I feel like I’ve taken a step back in time, and all I want to do is scream.  Didn’t I just fucking put the past behind me?  Okay so I’m being dramatic, but fuck.  Justin picks up a small center piece, and I’m almost afraid to admit that it just screams Deb.  I can see that awful thing sitting on her table in the kitchen.  Of course we just have to get it for her.  

The things I do at times amazes me.

We continued on our way, stopping occasionally in stores and picking out items that Justin said the others ‘Just had to have’.  Of course I did find a comic book that I know Mikey has been looking for, and a little whip made of some golden-like material that I thought would be perfect for Marsha.  Don’t laugh, that bitch really doesn’t need one, but with what she puts up with me and Justin she needs something to keep us in line.  As I said though, she really REALLY doesn’t need one – but I just couldn’t resist. 

Justin picked up presents for both his mom and sister, and I knew he was hoping that his sister would be able to come down to see us for Spring Break like we had planned.  Of course who knows what will happen now that I had my little ‘talk’ with the one asshole who is trying to stop that adventure.  I really wish I had done more to him then I did.  

With the shopping done we head back to the hotel to grab a bite to eat.  I remember seeing in the brochure this little place in the hotel where you are surrounded by water.  It’s supposed to represent ‘Atlantis’ -- or so it says.  As we sit down it almost feels like we are eating in some underground – okay underwater bubble.  To the side you can see the sharks and fish swim past.  It is almost too strange for words.  I mean here I am eating fish, all the while I get to watch them in their natural habitat.  I am definitely getting old if I’m thinking about that shit.  

Justin and I simply sit there talking about the littlest of things.  Work, friends, what was on that stupid show we watched two weeks ago – anything.  It still amazes me that I never really realized how smart this kid really is.  Okay, I knew he was smart – I mean he was smart enough to know that I cared about him when I didn’t want to admit it, and he is smart enough to get a 1500, but it never really mattered.  I find it interesting that we can just sit and talk about things like politics, the stock market, or hell what the latest fashions are.  I can have real conversations – intelligent conversations with him.  Unlike with anyone else I had ever been with.  I definitely couldn’t talk about any of this stuff with Mikey or Ted or definitely not Emmett.  God, Emmett and fashion don’t even belong in the same sentence.  I can’t help but think of what my life would’ve been like if Justin hadn’t entered it.  What would my life be like?  It scares me to even think about it.  Okay, I admit things would be a lot simpler, but that’s about it.  

I guess that is why we get along so well now.  I know what our problems were before, and we are working on them.  I know that he wants to be an equal partner in this relationship, and I can’t fault him for that.  Of course I never made it easy for him to begin with . . . shit, I made his life a living hell.  No matter how many times I would tell him that it didn’t matter, that he was an equal, he never believed me.  I tried to let him know that when I let him fuck me that time.  Okay, so then I fucked it up almost the very next day, but damn, I never said I was any good at this whole deal.  Mark and I – well we weren’t really what you would call in a full fledged relationship.  Nothing like what Justin and I have.  I know that I could never do to Justin what I did with Mark.  It just doesn’t feel right.  At least not any more.  

I can say that I did do to Justin what I did to Mark, but now . . . now things are different.  I’m different, I can feel it.  

“What are you thinking about?” Justin asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  
I didn’t even realize that I was so caught up in the past that I didn’t hear what he was saying.  “Just things,” I tell him.  

Justin reached across the table to hold my hand, letting me know without words that he’s there for me.  That’s the thing that I never got from Mark.  I never felt this way with him – to where a simple touch could put me so at ease.  “Wanna talk about it?”  
  


Do I?  That is the question of the century.  I know that I need to be more open with Justin, I have to – but it’s still not really easy for me.  I was never one to open up with anyone.  Hell, even Mikey, who knows the most about me, only knows half of the shit I’ve done.  I know that Justin doesn’t expect me to be completely open with him, but I find myself at times wanting to tell him everything.  My whole life story.  “I was thinking about all the shit I used to do to you.”

Simple, plain, and totally half true.  Well at least I’m trying, right?

“Brian,” he says quietly, getting my attention.  I look into his eyes, and find myself getting lost in them.  They’re so clear, trusting, and – fuck -- forgiving.  I really don’t deserve him.  “It’s in the past.  Who cares?  We’re here now.  What happened in the past got us to this point, so there’s no reason to think badly on it.  We’re moving past that, and everything that happened between us only made us stronger.  Individually and together.”

See what I mean?  This kid is smart.  And a fucking romantic.  “Still,” I begin, only to have him tighten his grip on my hand even more.  

“It’s in the past.  Didn’t we agree that we were going to let that all go?  Let it stay in the past where it belongs.”  I wish I could say that I agree with that thinking, but I know that it’s impossible to leave it all there.  Both of us had buried a lot of things, and it’s only come back to bite us right in the ass when we least expected it to.  I know that he realizes it too.  But we both can wish, can’t we?  I mean, I would love to be able to forget all of the shit I had done to him, that he had done to me – but I’m a realist, and so is he.  We know we can’t forget.  “Okay, I know what you’re thinking and you’re right,” he says as if he was reading my mind.  More likely he is.  HE always has a way of knowing what I’m thinking without me even saying anything.  He’s the only one who has ever been able to do that.  I only look at him with a raised eyebrow wondering what is going on in his head.  “We can’t forget it, Brian.  I don’t want to.  But we can forgive.  I forgive you.”

With his words I feel as if a huge bolder has been lifted off my shoulders.  He still has ways of blowing my world apart.  “I forgive you,” I say and I mean it.  I know that he never meant to hurt me with Ethan, but I also know that he wasn’t entirely at fault in that whole mess either.  I didn’t realize that at first, but now I do.  

“Come on, let’s take these bags up to our room,” he says with a slight smile on his face, and I know what he’s thinking.  Not that I mind, of course.  Sex between us has always been explosive.  He’s the only one I know who had ever been able to keep up with me and my appetite.  I guess that’s why we’re so good together.  Quickly I pay the bill and take my little sprite up to our room.  

*************

** *JUSTIN* **

Holding onto Brian is for me anyway, the best feeling in the world.  It’s here that I never doubt what he feels for me.  Of course now I really have no problems with that.  Brian tells me now how he feels, and truthfully it still shocks the hell out of me.  I try to picture the Brian I had first met, or even the Brian of that last year, together with the one holding me now – and I realize I can’t.  I don’t know what made him change – well I have a damn good idea, but nothing concrete – but I’m grateful for it all the same.  Okay so we still have parts of the ‘old’ Brian Kinney still there, and trust me I am glad that it’s still there.  I don’t know what I would think if he completely changed.  He’s still an asshole part of the time, he still drinks entirely too much, and the list can go on and on.  But I do know that he hasn’t tricked in a long time – the one thing that I never EVER would’ve thought possible.  He also tells me now what he is feeling.  I know that was the hardest thing for him to admit.  I always knew it, but I just got tired of waiting I guess.  I don’t know.  I was so screwed up after Prom, that I couldn’t read him anymore.  I had changed, we both had changed that night, and I just forgot.  I forgot a lot of things.

But never again.

It’s funny really.  We’ve actually been talking about the one thing that I NEVER would’ve thought we would ever do.  I mean I know how Brian is.  I know he never wants to put me in any danger, he’s very adamant about that.  But here we are actually thinking about doing it raw.  Of course we both know that if we decide to do that, it won’t be for a while.  I don’t think that either one of us is really ready for that.  I admit I was young, naive, and stupid to even ask him that before.  But to actually even consider it . . . it just blows my mind.  I’m happy, extremely happy.  I know that I never want to be with anyone other than Brian, but we both know how we work.  We have BOTH done some stupid things in our time, both done numerous guys – Brian more than me of course but I’m still young.  If we decide to follow through with it, we will both have to be sure of ourselves and of each other.  We can’t get away from the old feelings of possible mistakes quite yet.  

I mean who’s to say that one of us won’t slip tomorrow, or next week?  We both agreed that it would have to be at least six months with NO tricks, then at least another year before we even consider it.  And of course if during that time we slip, the time just keeps being pushed back.  Neither one of us wants to put the other in danger like that.  It’s too dangerous in this day and age to not be careful.  I know that now.

Of course the sex is still great.  Of course with Brian it always is.  No one has ever made me feel the way that he does, and I don’t think that anyone ever will.  We both know each other so well that it seems like we are one person half of the time.  A touch there, a kiss here – everything and anything that will make the other feel the best possible way that we can.  Sex between us – I realized early on – had never been just fucking.  Okay, so we have had some very INTENSE moments, wild and crazy moments, like in New York, but there was always more than the quick in and out that Brian had always strived for.  We connect on a more intimate level.  It’s almost like our souls connect.  I still remember the first time our hands entwined while he was pounding into me.  Even from the first moment, when he told me that he wanted me to remember that moment no matter who I was with – I knew that it was more.  He had told me that night that I was more than just a ‘fuck’, even if he denies it to this day.  

When he came and he told me he loved me – Brian Kinney’s fate was forever entwined with mine.  That was the moment that we connected.  I know this.  And I like to think that he knows this now too.  No, I know he does.  

Nothing will tear us apart again.  Neither one of us will let it.  This I know for a fact.

I’m finding out more and more about Brian everyday.  It’s like I’m reading a book, a never-ending book, with each new page bringing a new discovery.  He is the most beautiful and complex piece of art I have ever seen.  There are so many layers to him, layers that I have yet to even touch.  No matter how much I want to know everything about him, I know that it will never happen.  I think that is part of the reason why I love him so much.  It’s the mystery of Brian Kinney.  It just isn’t really fair – in my own sick way I guess – that he knows EVERYTHING about me.  Okay, almost everything.  It’s my own fault though.  I just can’t keep anything from him.  How I kept that whole Kip thing a secret is beyond me.  Of course that didn’t last long.  One moment of weakness, one moment of wanting to cause him pain – and everything comes out.  

I hate that moment in my life.  

I hate that I had said all those things to him.  I hate that I had told him things that I NEVER wanted him to know.  Sap, Kip, Michael, everything.  Fuck!  Then of course I had to break down and tell him about my suicide attempt.  Okay, so there are still things that Brian doesn’t know about, things that Marsha thinks I may need to get out in the open.  But a part of me doesn’t want to – if that makes any sense.  I know that I still have a long way to go.  I still have problems sleeping, and hell you can forget about going out to a parking garage late at night.  If I get a certain vibe off of someone, I get away as fast as I can.  That feeling of panic is still with me, and I wonder if it will ever really go away.  Marsha tells me that it may never go away – at least not completely.  I can only wish that I could move past it all, but I know I might never do so.  I can’t until I remember what happened.  Everything that happened those couple of days.  

I never really told Brian what I do remember, and what I don’t.  I have only gotten flashes of things, like watching a teaser from a movie.  You never get the whole story, just enough to make you want to see the rest of it.  

I remember asking Brian to the Prom, I remember asking Daph to the Prom.  I am a little fuzzy on the going away party for Michael and David.  And you can forget anything past that.  I don’t remember Emmett helping me get ready.  I don’t remember Brian walking in, or the dance.  Nothing.  The next thing I get a PART of is hearing Brian’s pain-filled yell, then turning around to see this thing come toward me.  I remember wondering what it was, then the sharp pain -- the blinding pain.  I remember – like running the movie in slow motion – I remember the feeling of my body shutting down.  First everything went dark; I could hear Brian’s footsteps still.  Next my body started to feel cold, and I couldn’t move.  It wasn’t even the feeling you get when you sit for too long, and that little tingly feeling either.  It was as if parts of my body just ceased to exists.  I could hear Chris cry out in pain, something hitting the ground.  I could almost feel my brain shut down, as things started to become hazy.  I knew that I was lying on something, but my mind couldn’t process what it was.  The last thing I heard was Brian’s pain.  I heard him call out in anguish then nothing.  

I pull myself closer to Brian in the bed, wanting him to keep me warm, since suddenly I feel extremely cold.  Just listening to his heart beat beneath my head, and feeling his warm body next to mine, helps me push the feeling of helplessness away.  I still don’t know how I remembered things from the ride to the hospital, or things from the hospital itself.  But I do.  

Of course these are all things that I will NEVER tell Brian.  Marsha is the only one who knows, and I’ve told her that Brian is to never know.  I don’t think that he could handle it.  No, I know he wouldn’t be able to.  He keeps telling me to let him in, to let him help me get through this – but I can’t.  I know he still feels guilt over what happened.  I know it.  No words or amount of comfort will ever be able to erase those feelings from him.  It isn’t in my power.  He needs to be able to fully forgive himself, and I know it’s not within his power either.  

That night changed both of our lives, and not entirely for the better.

I can’t fully complain though.  It was that night that Brian realized that I was more than what he had made himself believe.  And even though I may not remember it – his coming that night to share it with me said more than any amount of words ever will.  

Maybe I’m thinking too much.  Brian has always accused me of that, and he’s right.  I wish at times I could just be like him, and say fuck it, but I can’t.  It’s not in me.  

Finally I decide to just close my eyes, and will myself to sleep.  All of this thinking is giving me a headache, and I wonder why I am even bothering.  Why should I think about all of that shit, when I’m here next to the man I love?  Fuck it, I’m going to sleep.

*************

Since we are only staying here until late Saturday, Brian and I take in some final sights.  We head down to the ‘Dig’.  Brian laughed at me as I almost jumped into his arms –scared out of my fucking mind.  So no one told me that having a large fucking shark slam into the glass or whatever this is surrounding me could make me see my life flash before my eyes.  All I could think about was that I was going to be this thing’s next meal.  Of course I got Brian back, ‘cause I knew he was frightened as well.  Not as much as me, but I did catch the slight catch of his breath as it rammed into the glass.  

The ruins that they had in this area were exquisite.  It really made you feel like you were in the real Atlantis.  Of course my artistic mind is at work on how I’m going to get all of this down on paper, but I know that I’m going to have a lot of things to do when we get back home.  I have to get this all down, I have to draw it all.  Okay, so a part of me is obsessive, but hey, Brian is too.  We all are in some way.  

We go to the spas, and I must admit, I was more than ready to have a little ‘private’ fun with Brian after that.  But I must admit, I do like Brian’s massages a little bit more than the one we got there.  Okay, so I’m biased, but wouldn’t you be if you had someone like HIM giving you the best back rub?  Of course it’s what he does after the back rub that makes it so memorable, but that’s only for me.  

Since we couldn’t go down the waterslides like I wanted to -- not that Brian would let me even if I was a hundred percent -- we went to take a walk along the beach.  Brian can be such a baby at times.  I mean really.  What is a sixty foot drop anyway?  So what if it’s almost a complete vertical drop propelling you at a speed of 35 miles an hour and ending in a clear acrylic tunnel submerged in the shark-filled lagoon.  I mean, where is his sense of adventure?  I know that I just HAVE to come back here to try that one out.  

We eat in a small café on the beach, and stay there sitting on the beach long after the sun had set.  I never realized how much I needed this.  I feel so at peace here, so alive, for the first time in a long time.  I no longer think about what could’ve been – what I lost because of Hobbs.  ‘Cause in truth, I don’t see where I lost anything.  Everything that I had thought I lost, in reality I never did.  My art, my life, my friends, my dreams, this trip, Brian.  It’s all still there.  Hobbs’s hatred had only given me more than I ever could’ve imagined or hoped for.  Don’t get me wrong, I can never forgive him for what he did to me, or Brian, but I have learned to accept it.  Shit happens, and luckily things have turned out alright.  Better in some ways.  

And it’s all because of the love that Brian and I share.  It’s all because we refused to let one act of hatred destroy us.  An act of cowardice made us stronger.  For that I can say that I’m grateful for what Hobbs did.  His act – as unforgivable as it is – forced me to realize a lot of things, things that I never would’ve thought of.  It made me stronger.  Marsha made me see that.  And with Brian’s help, along with my talks with Marsha, I know that I’ll survive.  I will no longer be a victim.  I have control over my life.  

Brian went to Pittsburgh to rid himself of his past demons, and I can tell he made headway in that regard.  I’m proud of him.  

Me,  well, I think that it was this trip.  Finally I am able to put aside one more demon.  I’m not stupid enough to think that I will ever be fully over it, but I’m starting.  I think I’m finally able to start to let go – really let go and move on.  

I can finally move on with my future.  My future with Brian.

*************

*Brian*

I fucking hate waiting, especially at the airport.  It would be better if I could meet Lindz and Gus at the gate, but of course that’s now impossible.  So I have to stand here, by a group of obnoxious teens, talking about some shit I don’t understand – waiting.  Of course it doesn’t make it any easier that Justin is stuck at work, again.  I know I shouldn’t be upset, but damn.  Since we got home from our trip, he’s been working late almost every fucking night.  Alright I admit to myself I maybe a little jealous, but I’ll never admit that to him.  And it’s not that I don’t trust Justin, cause I do, it’s just that I don’t trust that little weasel who is helping them on this project.  That little fucking Matt.  

Alright so I’m a lot jealous.  

I see Lindsey out of the corner of my eye, and I immediately go to her.  She looks like she could use a hand – between caring Gus, and all the carryon bags, she looks like she’s ready to fall over.  “Give me those,” I order her as I reach them.  I take the carryon bags from her, and lean in to give her a kiss.  “What the fuck did you do?  Bring his entire room with you?”

“No,” she tells me with a slight smile on her face.  “We’re going to be here a week, Bri.  And the plane ride was long, so Gus needed things to do to occupy his time.  Besides, I only brought half of his room.”

Fuck!  I am now picturing all of the bags that we will have to load up into the car.  Thank God I finally got me a new jeep, cause I know that all of this shit wouldn’t fit into the Mustang.  I know Lindz, she always packs like she’s moving in.  “So how many bags should I be expecting?”

“Three, Bri.  I didn’t pack everything.  God, when did you get so cynical?”

“I know you, Lindz.  You pack about two pairs of clothes for each day,” I begin.  Looking at her innocent face I have to turn away before I slap that look off of it.  I hate it when she gives me that look, cause despite the fact that I KNOW better, I almost always fall for it.  Fuck!  “And don’t try to play coy with me.  I know you all too well, remember?”

“So where’s Justin,” she asked as we made our way to the baggage claim.  

“Work,” I answer.  I will not get into what I think about that.  Not now.  The last thing I need is anyone thinking that there is a problem between us.  There isn’t.  Justin and I are closer than we have ever been before.  “He’ll be home soon though, so you don’t have to worry.”

“I’m not worried, I just can’t wait to see him that’s all.”  Lindz places her hand on my arm once we reach the baggage area, and I can almost tell what her exact words are going to be.  “Is everything alright, Bri?”  
  


I stand there and run my hand through my hair.  I just KNEW that the question would come up.  I just fucking knew it.  “We’re fine, Lindz.  And for the record . . . I am NOT discussing my relationship with Justin with anyone.  Understand?”

I can’t even look at her right now, I don’t know why.  I’m a little hurt I guess.  I almost forgot how everyone always thought the worst about Justin and I.  They always were so quick to judge.  I mean, I know Justin and I still have things to work out together, things that we still have harbored deep within ourselves – things that hurt, but we are working on them.  And here comes someone – someone I trust – immediately thinking that something’s wrong.  Fuck!  

“Bri,” she begins with her hand still on my arm.  “I believe you.  I do.  It’s just that we don’t see you that often, and we haven’t seen Justin in a long time.  The last time any of us saw him, he was in the hospital.  It’s only right that we’re worried about him. . . about you.”

And I immediately feel like shit.  I forgot that they hadn’t seen or heard from Justin really since the accident.  They have only gotten second hand reports from me, and they have always been sketchy at best.  “Justin’s fine, Lindz.  He’s out of the wheelchair, most of the time anyway, and he’s doing fine.  I’m doing fine,” I answer her.  “Now, can we get this shit and get out of here?”

Luckily Lindsey drops it for now, but I know she’s not done yet.  She’s one of the few people I can trust to not really judge me.  Oh she has kept me in line when it comes to Justin.  Like the time Justin slept on their couch after the Hotlanta trick.  Oh man, I got hell for that one.  The words that were coming out of her mouth.  Granted, I can say nothing was as bad as when she realized I had used her to kick Justin out of my life, and sent him packing with Ethan.  Lindz always has a way of making me see things that I don’t want to see – do things that I don’t want to do.  The little guy in her arms is proof of that.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

*************

When we arrive at home, I see the light on the phone blinking.  I set the bags down and begin to check the messages.  I have try not to smile as I hear the familiar voice of Marsha on the message.  “Brian, just me.  I thought I’d let you know that I’m kidnapping Justin.  I’ll be sure to have him home in one piece soon.  Talk to you later, Bye.”  I can’t help but be grateful for Marsha’s help.  I know that Justin’s still having problems, and he hadn’t been to see Marsha since before we got back, so I know he needs this time alone with her.  Hell I need to sit down and talk to her.  I need to tell her about the shit I went through when I was back in Pittsburgh over a month ago now.  Fuck, has it been a month already?  Justin and I have been so busy since we got back that neither one of us have had time to sit and even think.  

“Justin’s with Marsha.  Most likely he won’t be back till late,” I tell her as I hang up the phone.  “Looks like we’re on our own, Sunnyboy,” I tell Gus.  Not that I think he understands a thing I’m saying but who knows.  He’s almost two and a half now, and it still amazes me that he’s a part of my life – how much my life had changed the night he came into my life.  “So what do you want to eat?”

After dinner, Lindz and I just sit around the living room watching Gus investigate every little thing that is scattered around.  Luckily Justin and I went through the place with a fine tooth comb and made the place child-proof.  Of course any place that they could not child-proof, or anything that could cause Gus serious damage, or our personal toys, were all locked behind closed doors.  The last thing I needed was for Gus to get into some of mine and Justin’s personal belongings.  

Hearing the door open, I look up and watch as Justin made his way into the house.  He looked exhausted, and I wonder what it was that he had talked with Marsha about.  At times I hate that I can’t know what they talk about, since I see the after effects of some of their talks, but I also know better then to pry.  Justin doesn’t ask me what I talk about, so what right do I have to ask him the same question.  However, it doesn’t mean that I can’t worry.  “Hey,” he says as he moves over to the kitchen and pulls out a beer.  

Now I know that it wasn’t a good conversation, not too bad since he’s not digging out the hard liquor, but not real great.  Of course I know that he wouldn’t drink anything heavier than a beer with Gus here, which makes me nervous.  “Everything okay,” I ask as I make my way over to him.

Justin just shakes his head at me, and shrugs.  “Later, okay,” he says.  I stand there and watch as Justin makes his way over to Gus.  Watching Gus and Justin is definitely my favorite thing in the world.  My two boys.  “So what do you want to do, Lindz,” I ask taking everyone’s attention from the sudden tension that had filed the house since Justin came home.

“Bri, we’re just here.  I don’t care what we do, just as long as we all spend time together,” she said.  “Gus misses the two of you.  I do too.”

Justin is sitting in one of the chairs with Gus on his lap.  Just holding Gus brings a smile to Justin’s face, and I am suddenly real grateful that they are here.  “I was thinking that we could take Gus to the zoo, and maybe to Stone Mountain.  You know I think he’d like the little train and stuff there,” Justin said as he starts to tickle Gus.  Gus of course is just loving the attention that he is getting from his ‘favorite babysitter’.  “How about that, Gus?  Huh?  You wanna play on the trains?”  

Lindz and I look at each other.  It is always a site to see the two of them together.  Justin and Gus.  “Twain, twain,” Gus starts to chant.  I smile at Lindsey, knowing that she is seeing what I am – two people who are without a doubt the most important people in our lives.  Okay so she has Mel too, but still.  I honestly don’t know what I would do – what I would be doing – if either one of them weren’t in my life.  Hell, I don’t wan to think about it.  It’s too frightening.  Would I even still be here?  

“Well I’m sure that we can come up with some things for them to do,” I say.  Justin and I have worked out a schedule so that Lindsey and Gus won’t be on their own while they are here.  I’m going to be taking the first half off, and Justin will take the second half off.  Then of course we both are taking the Friday before Lindz and Gus leave off.  This way we will have the weekend, and the Friday before they leave together.  I think that Lindz is planning on taking a trip to one of the malls by herself so that ‘us guys’ can have some time alone, but we haven’t really discussed it at all.  I don’t know for sure what she has planned in her little devious mind, but I’m sure I’ll find out.  If I know Lindsey, she is a little romantic.  I think I’ll take to Marsha and see if she can take Lindsey somewhere special that . . . well somewhere that they would like.  I don’t even want to think about what they would like.  It’s too scary.

“I was also thinking,” Justin began.  “That we can go to some of the small art galleries downtown or something.  You know, just to look,” he says as he looks at Lindz with an almost pleading look on his face.  

“I’m at your mercy,” she laughs.

“Ah, fuck. . . .don’t say that.  We’ll be traveling all over the fucking world if he had his way,” I inform her shaking my head. 

Justin looks at me with a smile on his face.  “Don’t whine, Brian.  It doesn’t suit you.”

“I didn’t whine.”  Whine?  I never whine.  I don’t know how to whine.  Little fucking twat.

Lindsey lays her hand on my arm, and looks at me with a look in her eye.  I hate that fucking look.  It’s the look that says she thinks it’s bullshit.  “Of course you don’t, Brian.  Why would we ever think that?”

“Fuck both of you,” I tell them standing up.  I think I need a drink now.  Fuck, I forgot what it was like to have the two of them gang up on me.  The two people who know me the best in the same place . . . what the fuck was I thinking?  I’ll never survive this trip.  Maybe I can convince Justin to take the week off, and I can hide out at work.

*************

*Justin*

Brian and I lie down for the night, after Gus and Lindsey go to sleep.  All I can think about is that things have been going crazy lately.  I am feeling a little lost and all I know is that I don’t want to ruin anything about this trip for Gus or Lindsey.  I don’t think that I can do that – I won’t do that.  

I know that Brian is worried about me, I saw that in his face when I came in.  When Marsha came into my office, and told me that we were taking the rest of the day off.  I was grateful that she had come, cause I know that I wouldn’t have been able to find the time on my own to see her.   These past couple of days, make that weeks, I have been having these flashes.  I don’t know what they mean, or if they are real, but is tearing me up.  If what I see little glimpse of is true, then I can’t believe that I had actually believed that Brian didn’t love me.  I mean, things would’ve been a lot easier if I had known this before.  That is if it is true.  Marsha is trying to help me see that I can’t live with the ‘what if’s’, and I can’t live in the past.  

She is helping me to see that what Brian and I have now is worth everything.  She told me that things have a way of working out in strange ways.  I can see that what she is saying is true.  I mean, I don’t think that we would be here now if I had remembered, and in all truthfulness I don’t want to be anywhere else.  

I look up as Brian comes out of the bathroom, and I pull the duvet up so that he can slip into bed next to me.   “You ready to talk about it now,” he asks me.  I knew that he wouldn’t let it rest, and in a way I am grateful.  But in another way, I am alittle annoyed.  Brian reaches out and pulls me into his arms, and holds me close to him.  I feel that he is my lifeline.  No, I know he is.  

I put my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his body – pulling him closely to me.  I just can’t fathom my life without him.  I take a deep breath, and try to gather my strength to tell him.  “I just . . . I have been having these flashes,” I tell him quietly.

Brian runs his hand across my back, calming me.  “Of what,” he asks.

I try not to tense up with the question.  I try not to be afraid of his reaction.  I know that Brian would understand, but it is hard for me to talk to him about this.  Yes, he’s the only one who would understand, he’s the only one who would know.  The problem lies with the fact that I know that he is just as injured by that night as I am, more so.  I just don’t want hurt him anymore.  I take a deep breath in order to get things in order in my mind.  “I think that I having flashes from the prom,” I tell him without looking at him.

I feel him tense slightly under my head still running his hand across my back.  “What do you remember?”

I just shrug slightly.  “I don’t know really.  I just get little bits and pieces, nothing too major.  It’s like I’m looking at pictures, nothing more.  I see very little, really.  I don’t know what’s being said, or anything, as I said it’s just like a photo.  You know.  It’s never a lot, but it’s just. . . I don’t know . . . strange I guess.  I don’t even know really what I see, or I can’t even make any sense out of it.”

Brian only laid his head on top of mine and continued to hold me.  “Wanna tell me what it is you DO see?”

I pull away slightly so that I can look him in the eye.  I don’t want to shut him out, but I don’t even know what it is I am seeing.  “Let me try and figure it out first.  Then I promise, I’ll tell you everything.  Okay?”  I know that it hurts him that I’m not sharing with him what I am seeing, but truthfully, I don’t even know anything for sure.  I know I will tell him, I have to – but not yet.  Soon, but not at this time.

Brian only nodded and I move back down into his arms – hoping sleep will come peacefully for me tonight.

******************

*Brian*

I take Lindz and Gus to Centennial Park while Justin is at work.  I figured what the hell since I had to drive him to work anyway, why not take these two around town.  Granted the only thing I can think of is what Justin told me last night.  He is having flashbacks to the Prom. . . that can’t be good.  There isn’t much from that night that was good, the dance and the first few minutes in the garage is it.  That night was hell for me, and it almost killed me when he remembered the actual bashing.  I still don’t think that he remembers that fully, but he’ll never tell me differently.  The worst part is, I know I should get him to open up and talk to me about it.  The thing is however, I am not sure I can.  My own memories of that night are not the best.  No matter how many times Justin tells me that it wasn’t my fault, I still feel that if I had just been two seconds quicker.  

“You seem preoccupied.  Is everything okay,” Lindz asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts of almost two years ago.  Two years, fuck!  Has it really been that long?

“Everything’s fine, Lindz.  Don’t worry about it,” I tell her as I place Gus on the ground.  The little hellion takes off as soon as his feet hit the ground, and I can only shake my head in wonder.  He seems so free, without a care in the world.  I wonder what it would be like to be that free?  I don’t think I ever have been, at least I have no memory of it.  Not with the Warden and Jack around always telling me that I was a mistake, and cursing the day I was born.  I swore the day that Gus was born that he would NEVER have to go through what I went through.  I don’t ever want him to feel that way.  I also hope that he never has to feel the hate that others have toward us.  I know he’ll be treated differently, of that I have no doubt.  Not many kids have two mommies and two daddies, along with the fucked-up family that we have.  But he does have something that a lot of other kids his own age don’t have – something that I never had – he is loved unconditionally and fully.  

I may have given my rights over to Melanie, but I will make sure that he has a better life than any of us ever had.  Nothing will stop me from making sure that it happens.  

“Is Justin alright,” Lindz asks me, once again pulling me out of my thoughts.  I have been doing that a lot lately – losing myself in my mind – thinking about things that I am going to do.

Maybe that’s my problem – I’m thinking too much.  “He’s doing alright.  He just has a lot going on right now.  School is starting up again soon for him, work, me . . . it’s just a lot right now.”

“Bri, you can tell me.  I care about him too, and I worry about him.”

“I know you do. . . . it’s just,” I don’t even know where to begin.  Do I tell her -- should I tell her?  Fuck!  There is a reason why I never believed in relationships before.  But I need to talk about it.  I need . . . I don’t know what I really need, actually.  “He’s having flashbacks to the Prom.”  It’s just comes out of my mouth before I even realize it.  Lindsey always had a way of getting shit out of me that I never wanted to expose.  What is it about here that makes me do that?

“What type of flashbacks,” she asks me.  

We’re both looking out at Gus, and I know that she is wishing the same thing for Gus that I did earlier – that our son will never have to go through what Justin had to.  “He’s not really sure right now, I guess.  He just tells me that they seem like little pictures, nothing concrete.”  I feel Lindsey place her hand in my own, helping to ground me like she did that night.  I know without her and Mickey, I never would’ve made it through those first few hours.  “Before,” I begin.  “When I came down for the fourth last year . . . we met with Marsha and talked about some things that he was remembering, about the nightmares he was having.  He was remembering things – things like the hospital, the ambulance ride, that sort of thing.  I remember wishing that he would remember the good times.”

I close my eyes, and all I can see is that room, lite up in that blue light that followed us across the dance floor.  The look in his eyes as we held each other close, not caring and not seeing the others surrounding us.  “I think he maybe remembering now.  I don’t know.”

“I remember sitting there, helping him get ready,” Lindz began.  “He looked so handsome.  I wanted him to have a wonderful night.  Then we got the call . . . and I just . . . I don’t know.  Then seeing you . . . I didn’t want to believe it when the came call through, but I knew the moment I saw you sitting there in the hallway . . .”

  
I forget at times that the others must’ve been affected by this the same way it tortures and haunts me everyday.  I guess since no one really talked about it – and I was sort of out of it that night – I never really knew what the others thought, what they felt.  “It all turned out okay though,” I say.  For the most part I believe it.

“Yeah it did.  I just wish that he never had to go through that.  I was so mad, so furious at the sentencing hearing.  I have never felt that way before.”

That was a joke and a half – the sentencing hearing.  ‘ _Given the fact that he was drinking – which he should not have been – I can understand how Chris Hobbs can lose control of his better judgment.  Still that does not excuse these actions, and so I have struggled to find the appropriate sentence.’_   All I wanted to do was take that son of a bitch and kill him with my bear hands.  _‘Lose control of his better judgment?’_   what the fuck was that.  Yeah, let’s just give this homophobic asshole a slap on the wrist while a great kid like Justin has to live his life, the rest of his life, suffering.  That asshole’s appropriate sentence at the AIDS hospice was a fucking fluke.  He still had a way to get to Justin.

I still remember the look on Justin’s face when I came back to the loft and he told me that he had seen that asshole.  I thought it was another nightmare, but when he told me he saw him at the hospice, I sobered up right away.  I always wondered what Hobbs had told him, what he had done to him.  The thought that he told Justin that he had hoped he got AIDS and died sent a sudden rash of anger through me.  I was so pissed, but I was just glad I was able to talk Justin into going to Pride.  He couldn’t let that asshole win.  

All I know is that I NEVER want to go through that again.  I never want to have to watch as Justin suffers through anymore nightmares.  I don’t want him to have to think that the only thing he should be proud because he ‘got bashed and didn’t die.’.  Never again.

“At least it’s over,” I tell Lindsey knowing full well that it was a lie.  It will never be over.  The memories of that time will haunt us all for the rest of our lives.  That time changed us all.  

“Yeah,” she whispers, knowing as well as I do that it is a lie.  We both look out at Gus as he makes his way to the lighted Olympic rings at the entrance of the park.  We try not to laugh as we watch Gus stand there, suddenly jumping as the water shoots out toward him.  He looks over at us and laughs, loving the fact that water is coming out of the ground and getting him wet.  This is what every parent wants for their child.  They want their child happy, and to never experience pain, and suffering.  These are the memories of my son that I will cherish forever.  I will kill anyone who ever takes that smile off of my son’s face.  This I know for a fact.

**************

*Justin*

Marsha came by and picked Lindsey up to go shopping, so Brian and I are getting Gus ready to go to the zoo.  I can know that Gus will like it, and I can say that I’m glad that we are being given this opportunity to spend time with this little man who has brought me so much happiness.  Even when Brian and I were having problems, or if I was scared or something, just holding Gus – seeing the eyes that I love so much – everything seemed right.  I try not to laugh of course as I watch Brian try to get Gus ready.  The terrible twos.  Gus is definitely a handful right now, and I am still amazed at how good of a father Brian is.  He’s not getting mad, or angry at Gus as the young guy runs away from his father – his underwear in his hands.  Brian is laughing as he runs to try and catch up with Gus.  I watch as Brian picks Gus up and holds him above his head.  The look on their faces is pure happiness.  I think tonight I’ll have to sketch this picture.  Father and son.

I know that Brian misses Gus, and that it almost kills him to be so far away.  That is why I am glad that Lindsey came down.  Things haven’t been as bad as I thought they would be.  I’m not uncomfortable, in fact I am actually enjoying myself.  I thought that things would be awkward, but their not.  It makes me wonder if I am ready to go back to Pittsburgh and face my final demon, to put all of that shit behind me for good.  I know that I will never fully be able to heal until I confront everything and everyone there.  I think I’m almost ready.

When Gus if finally ready we pack up the jeep and head downtown.  I decided that I would use the wheelchair today, since Gus refuses to have a stroller.  He’s a ‘big boy’ now you know.  He is too big to use a stroller – hence the wheelchair.  I know that part way though the zoo he’s going to get tired, so what better way to give him a break than to let him ride around with me.  Of course this is not something I will ever tell Gus.  Let him think that I have it today because I need it.  Really, I would’ve been fine just to use the crutches, but I know how stubborn Gus can be – he’s too much like his father that way.  

We make our way through the zoo, and I can’t help but watch as Brian and Gus have their moment together.  They are so good together – laughing, playing, smiling.  Their eyes light up as we watch the gorillas play, or the fish swim by.  I can say one thing though, Brian is going to be spending at least 5 hours on the treadmill after today.  Why Brian thought it necessary to get Gus cotton candy is beyond me, but he said that ever child needs to have it when visiting the zoo.  No one would ever believe me if I told them that Brian was sitting on one of the benches eating cotton candy with his son.  Thank god I have my camera, cause I plan on using this for future favors from him.  Hey I have to look out for my best interests right?  Not that anyone else would see these pictures, and there are some that I will not give to Lindsey, but I know that I will cherish these for the rest of my life.

I still can’t believe the change in Brian in the past year.  I mean we always had fun with Gus – just the three of us – but this is different.  Brian has opened up a lot more, and I think that his relationship with Gus will only grow.  He’s talking about when Gus starts school having him come down for the summer to spend it with the two of us.  Brian has all these things planned out – what he wants to do, where he wants to take Gus – everything.  And here he thought that he wouldn’t be a good father.  

“You know we could always try and take him to Disney World,” I tell Brian.

I can just picture Brian standing by Mickey Mouse with those ears – it is just too funny.  “Maybe,” he answers as he picks Gus up and we begin to move again.  Our next stop is the wild cats – panthers, lions, tigers, cheetahs.  This is where I see Brian at home.  He is definitely like one of these big cats.  He is protective, caring, strong, everything that I see looking into these cat’s eyes, I see in Brian’s.  No one messes with what is ‘his’.  I know that for a fact.  Like when Hobbs tried to hit me outside of Woodies that night.  Brian stood right in front of me, protecting me.  I know he’s protected Michael many times over the years.  I hate to be the person who would ever try and hurt Gus.  That is something that I don’t think would end well.  Brian would kill the person – that I know for a fact. 

Unfortunately Gus and Lindsey are leaving in two days.  I wish that they were staying longer, but I am also a realist.  Life goes on, and we can’t live in this fantasy world forever.  And that’s what this time has been like for me – a fantasy.  It feels like Brian and I are a real family – just the two of us with our son.  Okay so I know that will never happen, but it still feels . . . . I don’t know right some how.  

Tomorrow we’re taking the two to Stone Mountain for the laser light show.  Then they will be on a plane back to Pittsburgh.  I don’t want them to go.  Granted if there is one thing I have learned over the past couple of years it is that you cherish the time that you have together cause you never know when it will all come to an end.  You never know what will happen, and if the person will be there tomorrow.  That’s how I’ve been living my life lately.  I try to just take things one day at a time – make the most out of every days, as if it is my last one on Earth.  I know what it’s like to have things taken away, and I made a promise to myself to have no regrets when I do finally leave this world.  I don’t ever want to have my loved ones think that they should’ve done this or done that.  No, I don’t want anyone to have any regrets, not about me.  Live life to the fullest, that’s my new motto.  Live every day as if it is my last.  Cherish every moment that I have with Brian, and make him happy is my goal in life.  There will be no regrets or should’ve done this about our relationship.  I will not allow it, and I know Brian feels the same.  

Never again will we allow our doubt, and fears tear us apart.  We will just take comfort in the fact that we have been given this chance, and we will most definitely make the most out of every moment that we are together.  Nothing will change the way we feel about each other, and nothing will ever tear us apart again.

Looking at Brian as he glances at me, I have to smile.  The love that we share for each other is like a shining beacon in the night.  I am almost positive that everyone walking past can see it.  You’d have to be blind not to.  We are happy, and we are in love.  This is what I had always dreamed of, what I had always wanted.  I think that I’ll have to prove that to Brian tonight – when we’re alone. . . in bed . . .. all night long.  Okay so he is not in doubt, but it’s still fun to prove these things to each other.  It definitely means a lot of sleepless nights – and not in a bad way either. 

We love each other unconditionally.  Nothing will tear us apart again.  Nothing.

I just have to prove that to everyone who ever doubted us before.  I have to show them that this is meant to be.  I have to do that for myself, and our future.

**************

*Lindsey*

We’re sitting here on this little hill facing the mountain side and I can’t help but smile.  Justin and Brian are sitting next to me with Gus, and all I can think of is how much they look, how much we look like a family.  You can see how much they love each other and how much Gus means to them both.  I honestly don’t know how Brian would be if Justin hadn’t come into his life the same night that Gus was born.  Would Brian be like he is now with his son?  Would he have even cared?  I don’t know, and I am glad that I will never find out.  When Mel and I started talking about having a child, the first and only person I could think of to father the child was Brian.  I always knew in my heart that he would make a wonderful father, and am glad that I was right.  

I also know that Justin is a big part of it.  

Justin showed Brian how to open up, something that I was afraid would never happen.  Yes, we had a lot of fun in college, and he told me a lot about his life.  I know he cares about me, Michael, everyone, but it was Justin who allowed Brian to open up enough so that he could show his feelings without being afraid of the consequences.  Something that I was unable to do in the years that I have known him – heck it is something that Michael had been unable to do in the many years that he had known Brian.  I knew from the moment that I had met Justin that he was different.  I mean Brian never would’ve let a trick near his son – he would never had asked for a trick’s opinion on the name of the child.  I don’t know who it was that had convinced Brian to say he liked Gus better.  A part of me likes to think that since I had liked that name better that it was me, but I know better.  It was Justin, of that there is no doubt in my mind.  And when I had found out that they had been together more than once. . . well I knew then that Brian was lost.  

The two of them have been through so much, and seeing them now – happy – I am glad that I had been here to see it all.  If anyone deserves to be happy it’s the two of them.  

Justin is rolling around on the ground with Gus, and I fight the urge to tell Justin to be careful.  I mean he still has his leg in a cast-type thing, he hasn’t healed fully yet.  But I know that he wouldn’t have it any other way.  He wouldn’t stop playing with Gus, even if he was in a full body cast.  That’s just the way he is.  I hope Gus grows up to be like him.  Justin is so strong, so full of life, that I know I want that for my son.  

And Brian – well I can say that NO ONE will ever believe me.  Brian has been so tentive to Gus this past week.  He has done everything to make Gus happy.  Of course I have to find a way to get all this stuff home, but I don’t think that will be a problem.  Between my shopping, and all the gifts that Brian and Justin have gotten Gus, I think I may have to convert my studio into a play room for Gus.  

I know that Mel would never believe that Brian would’ve ever gotten on that train with Gus.  Thank god I have pictures.  Blackmail material is good at times when it comes to Brian.  I have to keep my options open.  But truthfully, it fortifies my knowledge at how much Brian loves his son, our son.  

“So GusGus,” Justin asks Gus as he sits up and hands him over to Brian.  “You ready to see some lights?”

I have heard about the light show that they have, and I know that I can’t wait to see it.  The music and light display is one of the best in the nation from what I’ve heard.  “I know I am,” I say looking at Brian and Gus.

“Light, light,” Gus answers cheerfully as he reaches for Brian’s face.  “Dadda, light.”

“Yeah, we’re going to see some lights.  Aren’t we sonnyboy?”

“Light.”

Brian lifts Gus up and throws him up in the air, catching him on the way down.  I HATE it when he does that.  I am always afraid that he’ll miss.  I know that Brian would never purposely hurt Gus, but still the fear is still there.  As the sky gets darker, the show starts.  I sit there and watch Gus’ face light up and the mountain side shows an elaborate display of lights.  Occasionally he would laugh and point as things lit up the surface.  “Twain,” he yelled as a train made it’s way from one end of the mountain to the other.  Brian said that he was going to get Gus a train set, and I can only wonder where in the world I would put it.  Every now and then Justin or Brian would point something out to Gus, and he would laugh in delight. 

All I can think of as our trip is coming to a close – these are the memories that I will cherish forever.  

Tomorrow Gus and I will be on the plane heading back home.  I’m not sure when I will see Justin and Brian again, but I know that I will do whatever I can to keep them in our lives.  I will not allow Gus to be without either one of them.  This is what family is about.  This is what love is about.

**************

 


	5. Chapter 5

_ Part 8 of For All Time _

_ By: Acacia _

_ Last night I had a crazy dream _

_ a wish was granted just for me _

_ it could be for anything _

_ I didn't ask for money _

_ or a mansion in Malibu _

_ I simply wished for one more day with you! _

_ One more day, one more time _

_ one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied _

_ but then again, I know what it would do _

_ Leave me wishing still for one more day with you _

_ one more day........... _

_ One More Day With You by Diamond Rio _

__

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

** *Justin* **

Why?  

It’s getting late, and instead of getting ready for bed, doing homework, or making dinner for when Brian comes home, I can only sit here on the couch and stare at the phone.  I feel as if everything just stopped – the world just came to an end.  I know something is wrong, but what I don’t know.  And that scares me to no end.  

Can I do it?  Can I go back?  Even if it only to see my mother, and find out what is going on.  Can I go back to that town?  The very place that everything went so wrong?  No matter what, I know I have to; I have to know what is going on.  

When I got home, my Mom had called me.  She seemed distracted, sad.  I remember asking her what was wrong.  She told me that she couldn’t tell me over the phone, she wanted me to come home for a while.  

Come home. . . 

Fuck!  What am I going to do?  Can I face all of them?  What is wrong with my Mom?  

I wonder if my dad did something, said something.  Is he trying to take Molly away from my Mom, that she feels she needs to see me?  Is something wrong with Grandma?  All of these thoughts are running through my head, and there are no answers.  No there are answers, I just have to go back there to find them.  Which leads me back to the question of whether or not I can actually do it.

If I knew that I wouldn’t have to see them, wouldn’t have to talk to them, I think I could do it. . . but with my luck lately, I know that it is an empty thought.  No, I will see them; I will have to talk to them.  I will have to deal with everything that I have tried to push away into the deep recesses of my mind for the past year.  It’s time to face the facts, the past.

Shaking my head I dial the number for reservations.  It’s now or never, Justin.  Quit being a fucking drama princess and face the facts.  Fuck, why is this so hard?

“Yeah, I need to find out when your next available flight to Pittsburgh is.”

After getting the information, I don’t even bother to try and reserve the ticket yet.  I will wait.  I have to wait and tell Brian what I am doing.  Hell, I have to see if I can even get the time off of work.  Why is this shit happening?  Just when things are starting to look up, something comes along and fucks it up for me.  Something comes and throws ice cold water on me, bringing me out of my dream world and into reality.  

As soon as I hear the door open, I know that I can’t wait.  If I see Brian, I will lose any resolve that I may have.  I’ll just say fuck it, and not even go.  I am so afraid that if I go back there, THIS – what I have here – will all go away.  I know it’s stupid, but dammit I don’t know what is going on anymore.  I have always felt that this is just some make believe world, that one day I will wake up and find myself back in Pittsburgh – without Brian.  I would find myself back in the world where everything is so fucked up, that all I want to do is get away.  This past year has been like a dream for me.  It’s what I have always wanted, what I always had craved.  I know I’m being irrational.  I know it.  What Brian and I have is real, and I shouldn’t be worried about going back to that place. 

But why is my heart racing and my palms sweating?

“I need some time off of work,” I state, hoping that my voice sounds strong, and I’m not letting any of my wayward emotions show.

“How much time, and why,” Brian asks.  

I can hear him behind me throwing his jacket into one of the chairs and going through the refrigerator looking for something to eat.  What can I tell him?  “I’m not sure, really.”  Suddenly I see Brian sitting in front of me on the coffee table and I can feel myself almost break down.  “My Mom called and said she needed to talk to me about something.  She didn’t go into what it was about, but I can tell that it’s important.”

Brian just nodded and reached out for my hand.  I feel the phone leave my hand, and I smile slightly.  I didn’t even realize I still had it in my hand.  I guess I even more fucked up than I thought.  “She didn’t give you any clue as to what was going on?”

I shake my head, and shrug.  If I knew what was going on, I wouldn’t be in this spot now.  I wouldn’t be thinking that this is my Mom’s way of trying to make things better, to fix things.  She has been on me for months to come home and see everyone.  I always have an excuse of course – work, school, whatever.  But the tone of her voice this time tells me that I HAVE to go back there, and I think that is what scares me the most.  Something is wrong, and I can’t do anything from here.  I have to go.  “No, but she sounded off.  Something is going on, and I don’t know. . . There’s a flight tomorrow afternoon.  I didn’t get the ticket yet, cause I had to see if I can get off.  I don’t even know how long I’ll be gone, what’s going on. . .I don’t know anything.”

Brian reached out and put his hand on my chin, forcing me to look up at him. I know that I have tears in the corner of my eyes, and I hate it that I am so fucking weak.  Just once I want to be strong, and not let things get to me as much as they do.  I don’t want to be some little faggot who cries at the drop of a hat.  I close my eyes and take a deep breath – hoping to calm my nerves.  “Okay, reserve the ticket,” Brian began taking charge.  How he always seems to be able to do that is beyond me.  It’s what I want to be able to do.  I want to be in charge, to be able to stay clam.  “I’ll clear everything at work, talk to Vance.  You should be able to work out of the offices up there if it takes a while, whatever this is.  I have a meeting up there in a couple of days, so I’ll join you then.”

I can only nod in agreement.  I don’t know what to think right now, and as much as I hate it, I am grateful that Brian is so calm.  “Okay.”  I reach over to the phone and hold it in my hand again.  “I need to call Kate, and Kevin let them know.  I need to get a hold of my professors and FUCK!”  Dammit, this couldn’t have come at a worse time.  I was going to be starting my first term at school, and now I may have to drop it.  This has to be some sort of sign that I was not meant to go to school.  “I need to call Marsha. . . “

Brian reaches and takes the phone out of my hand.  The next thing I know he is sitting next to me and pulling me in his arms.  Why is this shit happening to me?  “Shhhh,” he tries to calm me.  I feel so fucking lost, so helpless.  The only thing I can think of doing right now is hold Brian to me as closely as I can.  I don’t know if I can do this.  “I’ll take care of all the phone calls, you just worry about getting the ticket, and packing.  Okay,” he asks me.  I can feel his lips on the top of my head and with each light kiss I can feel the ground coming back below me.  I don’t know what it is about Brian’s kisses that have a way of grounding me, but I am glad that he is here.  Of course they also have a way of making me enter another world entirely, but for now, I am just happy to be here in the now.

Brian pulled back slightly and looked down at me.  I feel the phone back in my hand, and I smile slightly up at him.  God, I love this man.  “Okay, first you’re going to call and get the ticket.  Then you’re going to order something to eat. . . I’m hungry.”

“Ticket. . .food.  Got it,” I answer back with a smile.  I know that if I can just handle two days without him around. . .just two days on my own.  God I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I won’t let him down.  I won’t let myself down.

*********************

As I sit there watching the plane taxi out onto the runway, I can only think about my Mom’s voice on the phone.  She sounded strange to me.  It has been bugging me since she had called, and I didn’t get any sleep last night.  “Wanna talk about it,” I hear a voice beside me state.

  
I turn to my right and smile slightly.  How in the world Brian convinced Marsha to come with me is beyond me, but I am glad that she is here.  The more I thought about being there alone – the more I felt that I was going to drown.  I feel like I’m walking into the surf during a strong storm, and the water is getting higher and higher – trying to pull me under.  Marsha’s calm demeanor is keeping me afloat, same as what Brian’s was last night.  How many times have I said the two were alike?  “There really isn’t much to talk about.  My Mom called and said she needed to see me.  I don’t know what’s going on,” I tell her.  

Last night Brian told me to get two tickets instead of one, and I guess in my clouded mind it didn’t even register.  After I ordered dinner, Brian took the phone from me and started to make his own calls.  By the time dinner had arrived, I had a traveling companion, school was taken care of, and I would be working out of the Pittsburgh offices until further notice.  I also had the keys to the loft, and a rental car as well.  I don’t know how he does that, but I know that if he hadn’t taken charge, I would still be sitting there with the phone in my hand and nothing being done.  

I don’t know what I would do without Brian in my life.  I don’t ever want to find out.

Marsha placed her hand on my arm, bringing me out of my thoughts.  “Okay, listen,” she said.  I look up at her and listen. . . really listen.  Marsha has ways of getting me to do things. . .think of things that I wouldn’t otherwise think of.  Since I started seeing her she has helped me through the hard times, and I know that with her here that she will help me through this as well.  “First off, you’re going to clear your mind.  You’re thinking the worse right now, and without any information to go on, you’re only going to make yourself sick.  Don’t think about it.  Close your eyes,” she tells me.  

We’ve come up with ways to calm me when I get like this.  Marsha tells me that with the PTSD, I make things a lot worse than they seem a lot of times.  I know that I do, but I can’t help it.  We came up with some relaxation techniques early on in our sessions to help me calm down.  I guess, no I know I get worked up over the little things, stress over things that I have no control over.  But dam, can you blame me?  I mean, I have seen the worse, and I always have this fear that I just wasn’t meant to be happy, I wasn’t meant to be calm.  I close my eyes, and picture myself sitting on that beach that we went to on New Years.  Taking deep breaths, I can almost picture the surf slamming against the rocks, the warmth of the fire, and Brian’s arms around me keeping me safe.  After a couple of minutes, I start to feel the tension leave me, and I smile slightly remembering how that trip ended.  

“Okay,” I hear Marsha’s voice enter into my thoughts.  Her calming voice is adding another anchor to me – grounding me to reality, to sanity.  “Now, open your eyes.”  Reluctantly I do, and I turn to face her – calmer than I was a couple of minutes ago.  “Don’t think about it right now.  Push any thoughts of horror out of your mind.  There is nothing that you can do right now, and you don’t even know what is going on.  When we land, we’ll go to the loft, get settled, then we’ll go to your Mom’s.  Okay.  Don’t worry right now about anything else.  Don’t worry about the others who are there.”  I nod in agreement, knowing that worrying about this isn’t going to do anyone any good – least of all me.  “We’ll deal with all of that later.  Right now, just keep your mind clear, and everything will work out.”

“Thanks,” I tell her.  And I am once again grateful that she is here.  I would’ve been worrying about this, making myself sick the entire trip home.  I give her a small smile and turn to look out the window.  Watching the sun reflect off the clouds, I allow myself to get lost in the beauty of the sight.  There will be a time to get scared, to worry, but for now it is time to just allow myself to get lost.  Right now, no one needs me, so I can allow myself to disappear.  Disappear in the wide open sky – free of everything.  Disappear to a place where there is no pain, no sorrow, no regrets.  I need my strength for when I find out whatever it is that wrong.

****************

The entire trip from the airport to the loft, Marsha and I never say a word.  Trust me, I don’t know what to say, and we both know that I need to keep my wits about me.  I am afraid that if I open my mouth, I will lose everything that I have spent the last couple of hours achieving.  I will lose the calm that I have discovered.  When we entered the loft, I realize that Brian had already taken care of everything here as well.  I wondered the night before what and who he was talking to, but once I stepped foot in the loft I knew.  He had everything turned back on, and the place cleaned up for our unexpected arrival.  I try not to smile knowing that Brian is almost always one step ahead of me when it comes to this.  Where I forget things, he already has them done.  Of course where he forgets, I make up for him.  We are perfect for each other, and this is just another thing that proves my point.  We make up for the other’s short-comings, and we compliment each other so fully.  Neither one of us would be whole without the other.  I’m just glad that he had realized that, when I knew from the beginning that we were made for each other.  

I put the bags in the bedroom, glad that I left the wheelchair at home.  The loft is not made for that type of thing.  It’s hard enough to get around with the crutches, and I suddenly realize how hard it will be at my Mom’s condo.  All of those damn steps.  Fuck!  One thing at a time, I tell myself.  I hear Marsha on the phone, letting Brian know that we made it.  I know that there is no way I can talk to him right now.  I know that if I do, whatever I have gained will be lost.  When she hangs up the phone, we make our way out of the loft, always making sure the alarm is set and everything is locked up.  I learned that lesson.  The only words that are said between us are directions to my Mom’s condo.  

Traffic isn’t too bad this time of day, and we make it in record time.  I take a deep breath as we pull up into the driveway, and get out.  I knock on the door and wait for my Mom to answer.  Seeing her on the other side of the door, I almost lose it.  She doesn’t look well at all, and I can feel the panic rise up within me.  Nothing is said as we all make our way up to the living room.  I know that Molly is at school, so we don’t have to worry about being interrupted.  All I can do now is wait.  Wait to find out what is going on.

“Can I get you anything to drink,” Mom asks us as we take a seat on the couch.  I shake my head, but Marsha asks for a cup of coffee.  

When my Mom leaves to get the drink, I can feel Marsha’s hand on my shoulder keeping me grounded, and I let her comfort me.  All I can think of is that I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m already freaking out.  What will I be like when it all comes out?  How will I react?  Okay, so I’m getting all worked up, and I don’t know what to do.  When my Mom comes back she has a pot of coffee and three cups.  Of course her cup has tea in it, and knowing that things haven’t really changed all that much does bring a small smile to my face.  My Mom still doesn’t drink coffee.  “What’s going on, Mom?”  

Okay, so I’m not really subtle.  I watch as she puts her cup down and turns to face me.  “Sweetheart, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Why is it that every time a parent says those words, it shoots fear through your body?  When a parent says those words – hell when anyone says those words – I know that something is wrong.   “Mom?”

“I went to the doctor yesterday,” she tells me.  Just hearing those words, hearing that she had seen a doctor . . . I fear the worse.  I close my eyes, and try to keep myself calm.  In, out.. . .in, out. .  . I try to command my breathing.   Keep calm.  It’s not working cause all I want to do is yell, scream, ‘Why did you see a doctor?  What’s wrong?’  But I keep silent, knowing that she will have to tell me in her own way. . . on her own time. . .  “Sweetheart, there’s something I need to tell you.  Something I need you to promise me.”

I can only nod, knowing that I whatever it is she’s going to tell me, I will allow myself a while to be sad and angry.  Then I will have to be strong, for her, for Molly.  It’s the least I can do, after all the times she was there for me.  “Whatever I can do, Mom, I’ll do it.  Just tell me what I can do.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I love you,” she says as she pulls me into a hug.  We both allow this slight comfort for a couple of minutes, neither one of us wanting to face reality.  But it is short lived as she pulls away and takes my hand into hers.  “Last week, I . . . uh. . . I found a lump on my breast.  I went to the doctor yesterday, and he confirmed what I had suspected.”

As she tells me, my mind is screaming.  This is so unfair!  It can’t be!  “Tell me,” I whisper trying to get my voice to work through the damn lump in my throat.  

“I have breast cancer,” she states.  I can feel the knife pushing it’s way into my chest with her words.  “They say that it’s pretty far along, and they will have to operate. . . . remove the infected area, and see how far it might have spread.  There will be Chemotherapy, and . . . they say that there is a good chance that they can get it all.”

No. . .. this can’t be happening.  I close my eyes tighter, wanting to disappear.  I want to go back to that place where everything is calm.  “When?”

“The sooner I can get in, the better.”

“What do you want me to do,” I ask.  I know in my heart I will do everything I can to help her.  She had told me on the phone last night that Dad was away on an extended business trip and won’t be around.  I know that someone will have to take care of Molly, and her.  I know that she will want me to do that, to help her and Molly, and it’s killing her to have to put me through this, but I know I wouldn’t be anywhere else.  She’s my Mom, and I’d do anything for her.  

God, why is this happening?

*******************

Marsha and I spent the rest of the day there with my Mom going over what we were going to do.  Tomorrow, we will take Mom to the doctor’s so that she can get the tests done, and prepare for surgery on Monday.  The next couple of days will be hectic as we make plans for Molly, and the surgery.  Everything is going to be transferred to my name, so that if anything goes on, I can take care of it.  What can’t be transferred, I will have the Power of Attorney to help me.  We discuss things that I never thought I’d be discussing with my mother.  Things like what will happen if the surgery is unsuccessful, if something happens to her.  Who will take care of Molly, what will happen to everything else.  During the entire evening I feel myself shutting down.  I know that I can’t break down yet, I have to be strong.  I allowed myself time to be sad before Molly came home, but once she entered into the house, I put on my best happy face and refused to let her see what was going on.  I know that this will be hard on her, but I swear that I will not let anything touch her.  Molly’s young, she is allowed to be sad.  She will need me to help her through this, and I will not let her down.  

When we arrived back at the loft, I finally allow myself the time to grieve.  I call Brian and tell him what’s going on, and I curl up on the bed, wishing things were back to the way they were before.  Wishing that he was there holding me, loving me, keeping me strong.  I allow Brian’s calming voice sooth me, taking me to that place again.  I allow him to take me away from this harsh reality, and into another plain of existence.

I find myself waking up, not even realizing that I fell asleep.  I look up at the clock, and see that it is morning, and the phone is back in it’s cradle by the bed.  I feel different this morning – stronger.  I think I am finally ready to face this thing, do what I have to do.  I sit up in bed and reach over to the table side me.  Pulling out a pad of paper, I begin to write.  There’s so much that I have to do, so much that needs to be done, and the only way I’ll survive this is if I have everything already planned out.  What I will do, what needs to be done, who needs to be told.  Everything.  

Mom’s doctor appointment isn’t until ten, so that will give me time to go to Molly’s school, and get all the papers signed allowing me to pick her up, and for them to contact me if anything arises.  While Mom’s at her appointment, I will stop by Mel’s office and get the power of Attorney written up, so I can get a copy of that over to the bank, and everywhere else that will need it.  Then I will have to stop in at Vanguard so that I can get things set up for my beginning work on Tuesday.  

List completed, I quickly shower and dress.  Thankfully, Marsha is already up and coffee is made.  I think both her and Brian realize that since I am going to have to take care of Mom and Molly that I will most likely not be taking care of myself.  I know this is what will happen, and I guess they had talked last night after I fell asleep about what to do with me.  It’s not like I would intentionally NOT take care of myself, it’s just that when I get on something . . . work on something, I tend to forget certain things.  I just push and push until I get what I want done.  Hey, it worked in getting Brian, so why can’t it work now?

There is so much to do, that I just can’t take the time to worry about anything else.  

We head over to Mom’s and take Molly to school.  I know that we will have to sit down and explain this to her, but right now she’s so happy to see me, that I don’t want to ruin it for her.  Let her have at least a day of happiness before her world comes crashing in on her.  Let her be free of the pain for just a little longer.  That is all I want for her.  I will do everything in my power to try and keep her happy and away from all of this mess.  

I walk her into the school, and then went straight into the main office.  “Can I help you?”

“Yes, I’m Molly Taylor’s brother, and I need to speak to someone about getting some papers changed,” I tell the woman behind the counter.

  
”What is this reguarding,” the lady asks.  I know she is wondering what this kid is doing here asking to change papers, but I was expecting some possible problems.

“Our mother is sick, and I will need to change my sister’s paperwork.  If you can just give me what I need, that way I can take it to my mother it would be greatly appreciative.”  I know that they won’t take my word for it, and that whatever needs to be done Mom will have to sign off on it.  But thankfully by the end of the day everything will – hopefully – be taken care of.  By the end of the day, all my Mom will have to worry about is getting better.  At least that’s my goal.  

The lady gives me the paperwork to fill out, and shows me where Mom will have to sign.  With papers in hand, it’s time to take Mom to her doctor’s appointment, then it’s off to see Melanie.  I know I will have to tell the others, but I’m not sure I am ready for that yet.  They will be asking questions that I don’t know the answers to, and I want to be prepared.  All I want to do is tell them about what’s happening, and NOT get into anything else.  I am not ready yet for everything else to get out into the open.  I am not ready to face all the shit that happened before I left town, and the reasons behind them.  

No, the first meeting with the gang will be only about my Mom, nothing else.  I will deal with the rest later.

******************

I told Melanie everything, and for once I was grateful for the Attorney/Client privilege.  She wrote up the papers and by the end of the day everything was set.  I had a General Power of Attorney, and even through I hated the thought, I also was assigned as Executor of my mom’s living will and estate.  I hope that it won’t come down to using those last two, but I still have them just in case.  I tell Melanie that I want to talk to everyone the next day, and asked if she could get everyone over to her place.  She tells me that she will take care of it, and not to worry about it.  I know she won’t tell anyone what’s going on, and I am glad that she will handle that.  I know I wouldn’t be able to.  

That night Mom and I sat Molly down and told her what was going on.  I held her as she cried, and yelled.  She was screaming at the top of her lungs at how unfair it all was.  She fell asleep in my arms, and I held her all night long.  I remember all the times that she would come into my room after a nightmare or something and we just held on to one another – chasing away all the bad monsters.  We took comfort in each other’s presence, knowing that no matter what happens we will be there for each other.  No one will tear us apart.  

The next day was the beginning of the weekend, and I know that Brian will be coming up here tomorrow afternoon.  I know that I could wait for him to be here with me to tell the others, but I need to do this on my own.  I need to get this out of the way, cause I’ll need him with me more when I actually start to confront the past, but for now, this is something I have to do alone.  Mom and Molly are spending the day alone together, and I know that they both will need that time to themselves.  They are doing a lot of ‘female bonding’ things that I will never understand.  

Marsha follows me to Mel and Lindsey’s house, and I take a deep breath before I knock on the door.  I look around the living room and see that everyone is already there.  They are all shocked to see me, happy even.  I allow a couple of minutes of hugs, and everything before I sit down in one of the chairs.  “I just wanted to tell all of you something, and I guess this was the easiest way.”  I look around and see the confusion in their faces.  We all know that there are things that need to be addressed, but now is not the time, and I need to keep them focuses on what is currently going on.  Marsha is standing beside me, and I use her presence to keep me focused.  “I got a call from my mom a couple of days ago, and that’s why I’m here.”

“Is everything alright,” Lindsey asks.  

I shake my head, and look around the room.  These people are our family.  They took me and my family into their little circle, and they have stood by my Mom through everything.  I turn directly toward Deb, knowing that she is the closest to my Mom, and I close my eyes briefly.  “No, not really.”  I open my eyes again, and look directly at Deb.  I can see that she is worried, and I hate that I’m causing her more pain.  She loves my Mom, and this will tear her apart.  “My mom has breast cancer, and she goes into surgery on Monday.”

The silence is deafening, as everyone processes what I have told them.  Deb starts crying and I open my arms to her.  I don’t know how long we sat there, holding each other, crying, but for that one moment, I feel like I’m home.

*************

_ For All Time Interlude #8 _

_ By: Acacia _

_ (Oh) Let the sun fall down all around you _

_ Let the night surround you in a blanket of starlight _

_ I'll whisper you a lullaby _

_ Let the sun fall down _

__

_ That old dark cloud acts like he knows you _

_ He takes up too much time, time you could be spending holding me _

_ But he can't have you now _

_ It's you and me here in this room _

_ Let the Sun Fall Down  _ by Kim Richey

# 

# 

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

*Brian*

I get off the plane and immediately start to look for Marsha.  When I called her this morning, she told me that she would be picking me up.  Evidently Justin wanted to talk to the gang today, and she would be there for a while, and then come and get me.  She wanted to allow him some time alone with them.  Of course I’m pissed.  Why the fuck she’s leaving Justin alone with them is beyond me.  She knows the hell he went through when he was still living here.  Of course I have to remember that this is Justin we’re talking about, and that does make me feel a little nervous.  

When I talked to Justin last night, I could almost tell that he was different.  Something within him had changed with the news.  It was like he was the same little twink who had captured my heart two years ago.  He was the same kid who was so determined to have me that he would do anything in order to prove to me that we belonged together.  Fuck!  I am happy that the old determination is back, but I am also afraid of what the outcome of this will be.  Justin is strong.  There is no doubt about that in my mind, but he has also been through a lot of shit these past couple of years, and to have this happen. . . I don’t know what this will do to him.  

When Justin called me that night, after he had found out what was wrong – I had to stop myself from getting in the car, or chartering a plane to get here.  If it wasn’t for Marsha telling me that he needed to do this on his own, for his own sake, then I would have.  It kills me that he needs to do this alone, but I’ll make sure that he knows I am there for him.  Of course, if there is anything I can do without him knowing about it, I will do it.  She told me that this would be a test for him, and if he is going to get through it, he needs to feel like he is doing it on his own.  He needs to feel that he is strong enough to handle something like this, without the help of others.  Of course I’ll make sure to let him know that he can ask for help if it gets too much for him, and for MY sake, my sanity, he’d better.  

It’s almost like the past two years have been a test, a trial run.  This is the real deal.  Justin has felt out of sorts since the bashing, and I understand.  He has felt like he has had to rely on everyone else for things, and he needs to feel that he is able to be strong.  From what I understand, he was actually starting to feel strong enough last year, but that was before the accident.  With his current . . .disabilities . . . fuck I hate that word!  With his current problems, he needs to feel like he can do something for someone else, help someone else.  And I’ll let him have that.  I’ll let Justin feel that he is able to handle this on his own. . . but he’s going to know that I’m there for him.  

Justin will take care of his mom, and Molly, but I’m not going to just sit around and let him do it alone.  Fuck that!  No, I’m going to make sure that the others stay the fuck away.  Let Justin handle what he needs to handle, but I will not allow anyone else to try and tell him what to do, what should happen, or hell, what he should be feeling.  No, I know Justin.  Justin will try and keep a strong, brave front with everyone.  He will not allow his emotions to overtake him.  The damn kid is like that. . . I did learn that with the bashing and the accident.  Justin would always show a brave front with everyone, never letting them know when he was upset, but luckily I was almost always able to get past that, and allow him to let it out.  No, the others will not say word fucking one to him about anything.  When I feel he’s ready is when we can let them in, but not a second sooner.  I will not let them hurt him anymore.

I see Marsha and head over to her.  “Where is he?”

“He’s still at Melanie and Lindsey’s.  He told me to come and get you,” she said with a slight smile.  Just the thought of him alone there scares the shit out of me.  I was fine with him being there as long as one of us was with him, but now he’s there alone.  They’d better not say word one to him or there will be hell to pay.  “He’s holding up well, all things considered. . .but Brian,” she begins.  I look over to her and we both know what needs to be done.  Justin needs to let it out, he needs a break.  

I nod, knowing what needs to be done.  Tonight, I’ll send Marsha away so that Justin and I can be alone.  Tonight Justin and I need to escape reality for a while, especially after he’s been there with all of them. . . alone.  Damn, I know they mean well, but they don’t know what they do to him.  They don’t see the scars that their ‘help’ has given him over the years.  They have never seen the bleeding wounds that their ‘help’ has left him with.  They just don’t realize any of it, and that’s what pisses me off the most.  They don’t realize what all their help, **_supposed_** help, has done to that beautiful young man.  They don’t realize that their help is why he ran away.  

I know they believe that they were trying to protect me, but all they did was almost destroy the both of us.  They believe that they were helping us realize things all along, but all they did was make things worse.  “Let’s get over there,” I tell her.  I am NOT leaving him here alone.  Justin is never to be alone again. . .not if I can help it.

***********

I walk into the muncher’s house, and immediately seek out Justin.  I can almost see the relief in his eyes as he looks up at me, and I know I made the right decision.  I know he said he wanted to handle this alone, and that I should wait for him at the loft, but we don’t always get what we want.  To hell with that shit.  Justin needs me, and I’m not going to let him down.  I sit down on the arm of the chair, pulling Justin hand into my own, and look out over the group.  Silently I’m telling them to leave him the fuck alone, to stay the fuck out of it.  For their sake I hope they understand.  “So anyway, everything is basically set, and all we can do is wait,” Justin says, finishing whatever he was telling them before I came in.  I know I’ll get the whole thing from him later, and at least with me he won’t have to hide his feelings.  Just hearing his voice right now, so empty of emotions, scares the hell out of me.  He’s hiding it from the others, and I silently curse them for allowing it to get this far.

Justin is a part of this family, and he should be allowed to feel.  But they have made him feel isolated instead of welcomed.  They have allowed him to WANT to stay closed off from them, and this will definitely be fixed before we go home.  I will not let this continue.  “Is there anything we can do, sweetie?” Deb asks.  

I try not to let my anger show. . .for Justin’s sake.  I mean I know they mean well. . .they really do care about him.  But dammit where the hell were they when he needed them before?  No, don’t think about that right now.  I can’t ruin this for Justin; I’ll just have to deal with the fallout later.  “Mel has already taken care of everything that I need legally, and Molly is taken care of.  Mom has her doctor’s appointments, and everything is already set.  There’s nothing else to be done now except wait.  Wait to see what will happen.”  

I close my eyes as I hear him talk.  Just hearing him talk about this like it was a project at work or something is tearing me apart.  I now know the full extent of what he feels, and what he feels he can’t share with anyone here.  I hate that things are so bad that he feels he can’t share things with these people, this family – our family.  I guess a part of me is finally realizing the full extent of the hurt he went through last year.  What they did – or didn’t do, in this case – to him.  A part of me wishes that I hadn’t let them off the hook as much as I did.  “Can we do something to help you?  Help with Molly?  Anything?” Michael asks.  I can say I am shocked that Michael is offering to help Justin.  Maybe our talk a couple of months ago helped him realize that Justin isn’t going to go away.  I am grateful that Mikey is trying, but I know that Justin will only see it as him trying to interfere again.  

I know how Justin’s mind works.  

“Thanks, but there’s nothing anyone can do right now.  Mom and Molly are spending the weekend together, and all anyone can do right now, as I said, is wait.  If I need help, I’ll let you guys know.  But Molly and Mom will be fine,” Justin answers.

“What about you, Sweetie?” Deb asks.

A part of me is just waiting for the explosion.  Just waiting for Justin to let loose on all of them.  He has been hiding his feelings from all of them for so long, and I know. . . a person can only take so much.  Justin can only take so much.  “I’ll be fine, Deb.  Really.  Brian’s here, and everything will be taken care of.  Don’t worry about anything.  I’m fine.”

And I know he’s not.

Not by a long shot.

**************

*Lindsey*

I pulled Brian off into the kitchen so we can talk.  I don’t want the others to listen in, I guess.  When I was down there visiting him and Justin, I had learned a lot, especially in the day I spent with Marsha.  Justin was really hurt by our interfering before he left, by our attitude toward him.  I don’t blame him; I tried to be kind to him, I did.  And I’m glad that he thought I was one of the ones who cared. . .but it was hard.  I know how much his leaving hurt Brian.  

We did cover a lot of ground between us during my visit.  Justin and I had a long talk, and we have gotten closer than we ever were.  I know that this is just killing him, and instead of saying anything in front of the others, I need to talk to them alone.  It’s up to the others to try and repair their relationship with them, especially with Justin.  If I can, I know they can as well.  But now is not the time to try and bring it up.  Now is the time to be there for Justin, Jennifer, and Molly.  I need them to know that I’m here, for anything.

Brian leans against the counter by the sink, his eyes not leaving the scene in the living room.  He’s keeping an eye out, making sure that no one hurts Justin anymore.  I know he will do anything in his power to protect Justin, even if it means fighting us.  “Marsha’s out there.  She won’t let anything happen,” I tell him, standing next to him and placing my hand on his arm.

“I know,” is all he says.  

“Bri, I just wanted you to know, and if you can let Justin know, I’m here.  If you need anything, anything at all,” I tell him in a quiet voice.  

“Justin knows, Lindz.  But I’ll make sure he remembers.”

We just continue to look out at the living room, and I can see the sad looks on everyone’s faces.  The only other one in that room,  well two people actually, who Justin would accept help from besides Marsha, are Emmett and Vic.  Everyone else, unfortunately, still has a long way to go.  It makes me wonder if we will ever be the same again.  Will we ever be that close family that we were years ago?  Before…?  

Before what, I don’t know, really.  Before Justin came into our lives – no, I know that isn’t right.  Justin helped bring us closer together.  He helped Brian open up, he helped Brian realize he could love.  Before the Prom?  I don’t know.  I want to believe that what happened actually brought us closer together.  It made us all realize that the only ones we had were ourselves, our family.  

Before the ‘Rage Party’?  Yes.  I know for a fact that it was that moment in which we all chose sides.  The only thing we didn’t realize was that there were no sides to take.  None of us saw the real reason behind anything that happened.  It was our fault, not Justin’s.  We didn’t see the pain he was in; we didn’t care enough.  So I guess the real problem, the real change, did happen after the Prom.  We all just wanted to forget, to push what had happened under the rug, and forget about it, and move on like it never happened.  

Except it did.

And Justin suffered for it.

Now, Justin needs us more than ever.  He won’t admit it, and we can’t push him.  But it’s true.  He needs us, even if it is just to sit there and hold his hand, to take Molly to school.  I don’t know if he will accept it, but that is what we need to do.

I turn my attention back to Brian and I can see the worry lines across his face.  Jennifer has been like a mother to him lately.  The two have gotten closer in the past year, and I’m grateful that they have.  Now, not only is Justin having to deal with the possible loss of his mother, but so is Brian.  “How are you holding up?” I ask.  Justin isn’t the only one that we need to help.  

“Shouldn’t you be worrying about Justin?  I’m fine, Lindz,” he says, still not looking at me.

“Bri, I know you, remember,” I say with a small smile.  I see him roll his eyes, and I know that he knows.  “I’m just saying that if YOU need to talk, or if you need a break, let me know. . .I’m here.”

Brian closes his eyes, and I know he understands.  He knows that I can see past his walls and see the real pain he’s in.  “I can’t promise, Lindz.  Justin needs me.”

“And he’ll have you.  I have no doubt about that.  No one here knows what the two of you have gone through down there, what you’ve accomplished.  But I have seen the two of you together, Brian. . . I know.  I’ve seen it.  You love each other, and it’s the type of love that is forever.”  I reach up and begin to rub his shoulder, hoping to ease some of the tension in his shoulders.  “And you love Jennifer.  This isn’t just happening to Justin, it’s happening to the both of you.  What happens to one, happens to the other.  That’s what relationships are all about.  The rest of our family won’t understand, ‘cause they haven’t seen it, they haven’t seen you and Justin together.  I have.  Just promise me, that if it gets too much, that you’ll come to me.  Justin needs you strong for him, so that he can be strong for everyone else.  But you need a break too, Bri.  Let me help you, so that you . . . so that we can help Justin.  Please,” I beg.  I don’t want to see Brian lose it.  If Jennifer doesn’t make it, if something happens and they can’t get all of the cancer, it will kill Justin and, in effect, Brian as well.  

I can’t let that happen.  I won’t.

Brian looks at me, and gives me a small smile.  “I will.”

**************

*Deb*

I can’t believe this. . .Jennifer has cancer.  Breast cancer.  Who’s writing this stuff anyway?  Hasn’t that family been through enough?  I mean, after everything they have been through since Justin came out, haven’t they had enough drama, enough pain in their lives?  

A part of me wants to take Sunshine into my arms and just hold him, protect him from all the horrors that are around.  But I know that I can’t.  From what everyone tells me, he just doesn’t trust us anymore.  He doesn’t feel safe with us.  Damn, how did things get this bad?  How did my family get so torn apart?  

And poor Jennifer.  She’s a strong woman, there is no doubt in my mind about that.  Yeah, so she made some mistakes, but what mother hasn’t? They care for their kids, and want to do right by them.  No mother wants to admit that their kid is grown up.  No mother wants to admit at first that their kid is gay.  But she has pulled through it all, with her head held high.  She is one tough cookie, I tell you.  

But Justin. . .well I admit, we all fucked up where Sunshine is concerned.  We were all too blinded by our own needs, our own wants, to see what was really going on.  We let him down, and I, for one, am going to fix it.  I hate to see Sunshine like this.  He seems so far away, almost like those damn doctors were when he was in the hospital.  I remember that old TV show ‘Dragnet’.  ‘Just the facts, ma’am.’  Just the facts, my ass.  There’re other things to consider here, and it has not a damn thing to do with facts.  It has to deal with people, real people with real fucking feelings.  

Fuck the facts.

“Sunshine,” I say.  I want to see some emotion reflected in his eyes.  Something that tells me he’s there.  ‘Cause let me tell you, he seems like he’s not here at all.  His body is here, but he might as well be back down there in fucking Atlanta for all intents and purposes.  His blue eyes just don’t hold the same sparkle that I know.  His smile – I miss that smile – isn’t lighting up the room like I loved.  No, this man before me is nothing like the Sunshine I remember.  And it’s all our fault.  We pushed him away, and now we are seeing the effects, feeling them.  “I’m not going to say that you should come to us if you need anything, ‘cause I know we have no right. . .”

“Mom,” I hear Michael and some of the others start to object.

“Shut the fuck up.  You know I’m right,” I say to them.  I want to fix this . . . and unfortunately in doing so I need to admit our own fuck-ups.  “Now what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.  I know we have no right, but I want you to know that we’re here, and we do love you.  We were wrong before, and nothing can make up for what we did. . .”

“Deb,” Justin begins.  I watch as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.  I saw the first signs of the old Sunshine reflected there before he closed his eyes.  But when he opened them again, that little spark was gone.  It will take a lot of work, I know it will.  “I don’t want to talk about any of that right now.  Okay?  I’m here because of my mom, nothing else.  Nothing else.  I know that you all want to help, but frankly, I’m sick of all your fucking help.”  I hear Justin’s voice rise a little with each thing he says.  Boy, did I just open a can of worms.  “You all think you fucking know everything.  You don’t know shit!”

I watch Justin’s anger build.  As much as his words hurt, I know that he needs to say them.  He needs to get this out; we need to get this out.  But I just hope that we can all come out of this with our hearts in one piece.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see Brian rush out of the kitchen with Lindsey close behind.  Where Justin’s eyes were blank, Brian’s reflect pure anger, pure rage.  It suddenly makes me wonder if I had made a mistake.  “What the fuck is going on here?” he asks us.  “Justin?”

“All you guys have ever done is ‘help.’  Well I don’t need your type of help.  You think you know what’s going on. . .you think you know what should happen, who’s right, who’s wrong.  You don’t know SHIT!  I don’t need your type of help.  Not now, not fucking ever!”  

Justin is like I have never seen him before.  His eyes show anger and his body is tense.  It looks like he’s ready to strike.  “Alright,” I say.  I know that it’s not alright.  I don’t know if it ever will be, but I want it to be.

“Stop it,” Justin continues.  I watch as Brian lays a hand on his shoulder, and for once I am glad that Brian is there for Justin.  “Don’t fucking treat me like I’m a child.  I’m not.  I know what needs to be done, and I’m going to do it.  I don’t need your fucking help.  I came here to tell you ‘cause I know you care about my Mom, but don’t fucking patronize me, don’t think you know what I feel.  What I’m thinking.  You have no clue.  You never have.”

“Justin,” Brian says quietly.  I feel as if my heart has just been ripped out of my chest.  I look around the room, and see similar looks on the others.  I ask myself again how in the hell did we get here?  How did we let things get so fucked up?  How in the world could we have failed Justin?  “We’re out of here,” Brian tells us.

I sit there and watch as Brian, Justin, and Marsha make their way toward the door.  “I’m sorry,” is the only thing I can say.  I know that they can’t hear me, but I feel like I have to say it.  “I’m so sorry,” I can feel the tears falling down my face.  How could we have been so stupid?

Brian comes back in and looks at all of us, his rage barely contained.  He just stands there looking at each of us, biting his lip.  “Until further notice, if one of you wants to see Justin, you go through me.  Is that understood?”

“But Brian,” Michael begins.  I want to just slap him upside the head.  Now is not the time.  As much as I love my son, and I know he means well, but his timing sucks.

“We care about him too, you know,” Mel adds.

As much as I agree with them, I have to think, do we really care that much?  If we did, then we wouldn’t be in the position we are now.  We would’ve helped when Justin NEEDED our help.  We would’ve been there for him all along.  

Like Brian has.

“You are to go through me,” Brian reiterated.  “No questions asked.  He doesn’t need this shit right now.  When I feel it’s time, then we can all sit down and talk about this shit. . .but NOT until then.  You will NOT talk to him unless myself, or Marsha, are there.  Is that understood?”

“We understand, Sweetie,” I say.  Brian is right.  We have no right to try and fix things now.  We have to work to get back into Justin’s life . . . into their lives.  “Just please let him know that we love him, and we want to try.”

Brian looks down at me and nods his head.   He turns and kisses Gus on the cheek, and heads out the door.  

We have a long way to go, but I know we will get there.  It will just take time.  And I, for one, will do what I have to do.

**************

*Justin*

We didn’t stay much longer at Mel and Lindsey’s house, and frankly I don’t know how much more I could’ve taken.  I was beginning to feel the walls close in on me, and the only thing that was grounding me was Brian.  For once I am glad that he didn’t listen to me, and decided to come to the house.  We dropped Marsha off at my mom’s, since I know that she can do the most good there.  Mom and Molly will need her tonight, and truthfully, I just need to be alone with Brian.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.  I am so scared.  

I know I lost it with everyone.  I know that I broke my own rule and let everything out.  I don’t know what came over me.  “Tired?” Brian asks as we sit down on the couch.  I can only nod in response.  I feel so fucking drained that I can’t even move.  I feel Brian reach over and pull me into his arms.  We move to lie down, and I just curl myself against his body, wanting this nightmare to be over.  “You don’t have to be strong for me, Justin.  You know that.  I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.  Don’t hide behind the walls with me. . .please.  Let me help you.”

“I’m so scared, Bri.  I don’t want to lose my Mom,” I tell him.  I feel the tears begin to build, and for the first time in days I allow them to fall.  I don’t have to be strong for Brian, we don’t have to be strong for each other.  We just need to be there for each other.  That’s all. 

“Talk to me,” he whispers against the top of my head.

“I didn’t mean to lose it there, Bri.  I didn’t. . . I don’t know what came over me,” I admit.

I don’t know what came over me, I really don’t.  One minute, I’m fine – the walls are intact - the next it’s like a wildfire.  

“Justin, you’re allowed to be mad.  You’re allowed to strike out.  You need to.  They need to know what you’re feeling, and what they’ve done.  All you can do now, is just . . . I don’t know, just go with what you’re feeling.  Don’t hold back, don’t second guess yourself.  No matter what, I’ll be here for you.  I love you, and you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

I just lay there, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and I feel all the fight drain out of me.  I feel safe, loved, strong.  “I love you too, Bri.  Thank you. . . for being here for me, for my Mom.”

Brian wraps his arms tighter around me, and I feel better than I have in days.  “I’ll always be there. . . I’m not going anywhere.”

And I believe him.

************

_ Wash Away Those Tears _

_ Part 9 of For All Time _

_ By: Acacia _

_ When the dark wood fell before me _

_ And all the paths were overgrown _

_ When the priests of pride say there is no other way _

_ I tilled the sorrows of stone _

__

_ I did not believe because I could not see _

_ Though you came to me in the night _

_ When the dawn seemed forever lost _

_ You showed me your love in the light of the stars _

__

_ Cast your eyes on the ocean _

_ Cast your soul to the sea _

_ When the dark night seems endless _

_ Please remember me _

_ Dante's Prayer by Laura McKennitt _

__

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

Note 2:  I don’t know a lot about the treatment of Breast Cancer, but the information I have is what a close friend of mine went through.  So I’m not sure if it is the standard procedure or not, but…

*Brian*

I walked into the small waiting room, and immediately spot Justin sitting in one of chairs, with Daphne sitting next to him.  I remember those fucking chairs, how uncomfortable they are.  I refuse to think of the last time I was in this very same waiting room – waiting for word.  I sit down beside him, noting that he is just staring at the pale, off-white wall across from him.  I know what he’s feeling, the not knowing, the pain.  I hate that he has to go through this, and there is nothing I can do.  I can’t change this; I can’t do anything to make this better.  All I can do is be here for him, and Molly.  Last night we moved into the condo so that we don’t disrupt Molly’s life too much.  The loft will be our little sanctuary for when he needs a break, and I’ll make sure he gets that break.  

The other night at Lindsey’s, I tried hard not to get angry.  I tried hard to let Justin deal with it on his own.  But dammit, the shit they were trying to say… the shit that they did say… I wanted to scream.  Michael and Deb…. I know they meant well, I know they care about Jennifer … but they were acting like everything is alright.  Like they care about Justin.  

I think that only Lindsey, Emmett, and Vic were sincere in their concern.  Of course Emmett and Vic just remained silent through the whole discussion at Lindsey’s but Emmett had come by yesterday and Justin was grateful for that.  Those two have a tight bond, one that I’m happy to see.  Emmett has always tried to be there for Justin; he has always taken care of Justin, and cared for him.  The two just sat on the couch and cried, allowing each other to take comfort in the other and in their friendship.  Daphne also stopped by, and I was never happier to see the young woman as I was at that moment.  Out of everyone, Justin feels safe with only the three of us, and possibly Lindsey.  He feels he can open up to us, and right now he needs that outlet.  Daphne’s the only one who I believe truly understands.  She understands in a way that Emmett and I cannot. Daphne has known that family for a lot longer than any of us; she knows how close he is to his mom, and sister.  She knows things about them that I never will. 

Now sitting here in this fucking hallway, waiting for the doctor to give us some news, I look over at my lover.  Daphne is sitting beside him, with his hand in her own.  We give each other a small smile, and sit back and wait.  

Molly went to school this morning, at Jennifer’s request, but Justin and I both know that she deserves to be here with us.  So at noon, we’re going to go and pick her up and bring her here.  The surgery should be over by then or at least close to being over, and I know she never would’ve been able to handle hours of just sitting here.  Hell, I’m not sure I can handle it myself.  I reach my over and begin to try and loosen the tight muscles in Justin’s neck, and I watch as his head tips forward a little.  I know that he’s trying to be strong, and I admire him for that.  I just wish he wouldn’t feel like he had to all the damn time.  I look down the hall toward the entrance, and I spot the ‘gang’ standing there.  Justin looked up at that moment seeing what I was, and closed his eyes.  This is definitely the last thing that he needs right now, so I get up out of the chair and make my way over to them.  

I stood in front of them and nodded toward the front door leading out of the area of the private waiting room.  I see them pause, look in the room, then follow obediently behind me.  The last fucking thing I want right now is a fight in the hospital.  I look up at Marsha who is sitting in a chair in the main room, and I call her over.  Why she is out here and not with us, I will never understand, but she said that she wanted to give Justin the space he needed right now.  She wanted Justin to come to her if he needed her, and not before.  I guess I can understand that in a way.  “We all need to talk and talk now,” I say as I point to the chairs off to the side.  They all sit down and look up at me.  I turn to Marsha, and take a deep breath.  “Go sit with him and Daphne.  I think they’ll need you.”  She only nods her head and leaves the room, leaving me with the group.

Maybe not the smartest move on her part.

At least we’re in a hospital.

“Brian,” Emmett quietly states, and I look at him.  I can see the tears in his eyes, the love for Justin reflected in them. 

I nod to him, letting him know that things are okay, that they will be anyway.  I have to believe that, cause anything else would destroy the façade I have on my face right now.  I can’t let them know how scared I am, I won’t let them know – not right now.  “Right now, I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if you all wait out here.  Justin’s doing fine.  He’s got Daphne, Marsha, and myself in there with him.  He doesn’t need all of you.  I won’t tell you that you can’t be here, but if you want to find out what’s going on, you stay the fuck out here… away from Justin.”

Deb, who I fully believe realizes the mistakes they had all made before, only nods and grabs a hold of Vic’s hand.  “Will you tell us as soon as you hear something?  And let Sunshine know that we’re here… if he needs us.”

“I’ll let him know.  And as soon as we hear something, I’ll tell you.”  I stand there for a second, and think.  I know that Deb wants to try and fix things… unlike some of the others.  Hell, I don’t think Mickey – as much as I love him – I don’t think that he really believes that there is any problem.  Ted, I don’t think he really cares one way or the other.  He and Justin have never really been close, they just don’t have a lot in common.  Mel, well, I know she means well, but her tough exterior isn’t something that Justin needs right now.  “I’ll see what I can do on anything else… If Justin wants to talk to you.  It’s just going to take time, and a whole hell of a lot of talking.  But I’ll see what I can do,” I say, knowing that they need some sort of hope that things can return to normal, at least as normal as we can get.  I don’t know why I felt that they needed it, but just looking in their eyes I can see that they care.  At least most of them.  

********

*Molly*

Brian came and picked me up from school.  Mom said that she didn’t want me to miss any school, and that I shouldn’t sit at the hospital.  She told me that I would get bored, and ‘there is no reason for me to be there’.  But she’s wrong… there is a reason, and Justin understands.  I’m glad that he’s here, I missed my brother.  Justin always had a way of making the bad things go away, and I hope he still can.  Last night, when Mom went to sleep, Justin kept trying to call Daddy.  No one knows where Daddy is, and right now, I don’t know if I really care.  I don’t know what happened between him and Justin, but I know that it was something really bad.  Daddy won’t even mention Justin, and Justin only gets a look on his face when Daddy’s mentioned.  I only know what I’ve heard, and it’s not really good.  

Of course I can’t even begin to think of Daddy saying the things that I’ve heard.  Daddy had always loved Justin… Justin was always his favorite.  I know that my brother is different, I mean who wouldn’t know that.  Come on, I know he likes boys.  But I like Brian, and Justin doesn’t love us any less because he likes boys.  He still will let me lay in bed with him when I get scared.  He’s still my brother.  That’s why I don’t understand why Daddy doesn’t want anything to do with him.  He’s still Justin… he’s still that bossy, annoying guy that I’ve always known.  But he seems to be a lot stronger, you know, he is tougher.  But I’m glad he’s here… with Daddy gone, who would take care of Mom and me?  

  
And Brian… he’s hot.  

I remember when Justin was in the hospital… the last time… Brian saw me sitting with Mom outside of Justin’s room.  Brian told me that we should go out, let my mom have some time alone with Justin.  Of course I knew that Mom didn’t want to be pushy, and she didn’t want to leave me alone, so Brian just told her that I looked hungry and that he was going to take me out to get something to eat.  I tried to put on my best hungry look, knowing that she wouldn’t think anything than what Brian and I had planned.  So we went out and had ice cream, and ate pizza… we didn’t get back to the hospital for like three whole hours.  

I could tell that Mom was happy.  She needed that time with Justin, and I wouldn’t have been able to get her to see him on my own.

I guess if Justin has to like boys… at least he found a good one.

Well and he’s really cute…

Brian takes me in to where Justin is, and he and Daphne leave the two of us alone.  I’m sorta scared.  I don’t want to lose Mom.  I don’t think I could make it without her.  If Mom doesn’t make it, where would I go?  I know they would make me go to live with Daddy, but I don’t want to go with him.  He wouldn’t let me see Justin, and I don’t think that I could do that.  Maybe I need to talk to Justin’s friend Mel.  They say she’s a lawyer… or something like that, she could tell me what I could do.  Right?  

Justin turns to me and he smiles… not that big smile, but it’s a smile.  I lean into his open arms, and put my head on his shoulder.  If I ever get a boyfriend, I want him to be like Justin.  He’s always there when I need him.  Even though he’s like far away now, he still calls me all the time, and we chat on the computer every night.  If I have a nightmare, he always talks me down from it.  He told me a long time ago, that no matter where he was he would always be there for me, cause siblings do that.  I don’t know what I would’ve done if he had died.  Justin told me what happened, even though Mom and Daddy didn’t want me to know.  He told me that this kid from school had hit him in the head with a baseball bat.  Justin never hid anything from me, not like Mom and Daddy.  Justin said that he wanted me to know why he had been acting so strange.  

I remember that time when he had started to throw things in his room.  I was really, really scared.  He sat me down later, and told me what had happened, he told me why he was so sad.  I was happy for him when he was with Brian again.  Brian makes him happy, and he makes me happy too.  Brian is a really cool big brother, but I’ll never tell him that.  He’s still kinda weird on the whole relationship thing.  He’s funny like that.

“Mom made it through the surgery,” Justin told me and I smiled into his shoulder.  “It was worse than they had thought, but in time they say she’ll be alright.  She’ll have to have check-ups every couple of weeks, and she’ll be sick for a while.  She’s going to need your help, Mollusk.”

I could tell from Justin’s voice that he was really sad, and that made me scared.  He said Mom was okay, so why is he so sad.  “What is it,” I ask him pulling my head off of his shoulder to look up into his eyes. 

Justin closed his eyes, and looked at me.  This time he didn’t have a smile, and I wanted the smile back.  “Mom is going to be sad for a while.  The Doctor had to take one of her breasts, so that she would be better.  Mom won’t be able to fly for a while, and she won’t be able to get around real well for a while.  They want to use chemotherapy for a couple of weeks to make sure that they got all of the bad cells.  So we’re going to have to help Mom out, okay?  She’s going to need you to help make her smile, make her happy.  Okay?”

  
”Okay,” I tell him as I wrap my arms around him.  I guess I don’t really understand what is going on with Mom, but I know that if Justin says that Mom will need us, than I’ll be there.  “What about you,” I ask.  If I have to help Mom, what is he going to do?  Who’s going to help him?

“I’m going to make sure that you still have a roof over your head, and food in your stomach,” he joked, tickling my sides.  It’s good to see him laugh, even if it just a little.  

“Hey you eat more than me, Jester.”

“Oh yeah?  That’s not what Mom says.  Plus someone has to pay for that trip you’re class is going on,” he said.  Of course that trip was one thing that I wished that Mom hadn’t told him about.  It was just some stupid trip that my class was planning to some stupid camp or whatever.  I didn’t want to go, but Mom was sooo excited for me.  Why did she have to tell Justin about it?

“Do you have to,” I ask, hoping I could talk him out of making me go.

“Don’t want to go, huh?  I know what you mean.  I remember when Mom forced me to go to it…. I really, really hated it.”

“So please don’t make me go.”  Okay, I’m begging here.  Please Justin, I beg using my best ‘puppy dog’ look.

“We’ll see.  Maybe we can get someone else to take you on a short trip, so that way Mom is none the wiser,” he said with a look in his eye.  

Did I say how much I loved my brother?

********

*Justin*

Mom is still in the hospital.  The doctors want her to stay there during her chemo, especially since she had a bad reaction to it the first time.  Of course while I’m not at the hospital with Mom, or at home with Molly, I’m at work.  At times I wonder how Brian puts up with me.  Molly and I have been doing what we can around the house, and Brian’s been a big help.  God, I don’t know what I’d do without him.  I know I’d go insane.  I’ve been trying to reach my Da… I mean Craig for days.  I don’t know if he really can’t call home, or if he just doesn’t want to talk to me.  Molly needs him, and so does Mom… I can put away my dislike for the man for them.  They need him, so I can swallow my pride and call him.  I guess he just doesn’t want to talk to me.  I can’t help but wonder why he hates me so much.  

Brian doesn’t say much on that subject, he just tells me that I have to do what I have to do.  And if I feel that Craig needs to be here than I should keep trying.  I know that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, that I shouldn’t let him hurt me anymore, but I can’t help it.  No matter what he’s done to me, what he thinks of me, I still remember a father that loved me.  I still remember a father who would do anything for me.  I still love that man.  I wonder what happened to him.  

Brian went to pick up Molly from school when the phone rang.  I had already talked to Grandma earlier, so I know it’s not her.  Of course I did ask her if she could find Craig and tell him what was going on.  “Hello, Taylor residence,” I say.  Hey, this isn’t my home anymore.

“Put Jennifer on the phone,” the other voice states.  

What an asshole, is the only thing that is going through my mind.  “I guess you didn’t bother to check your messages,” I state.  I wonder how long I can keep my tone light.

“What are you talking about?  Put your mother on the phone.”

“Well Craig, I don’t think that I can do that,” I practically hiss.  

“Now listen here, young man…”

“No, you listen,” I begin.  I know that my voice is rising, and frankly I don’t care.  How dare he… where the hell has he been for the past week!  “If you had been able to get your dick out of your secretary’s ass long enough you would know that Mom is in the fucking hospital.”

“Don’t you talk to me like that,” he yells.  I know that the second half of that sentence is only now just registering, and I wait for his reply.  “What the hell do you mean, your Mom is in the hospital,” he asks.

“As I said, Mom is in the hospital.  She found out she had breast cancer, and she went into surgery on Monday.  If gave a damn about your fucking family, like you say you do, then you would’ve known that,” I spit out.  All the time he fucking blamed me for the downfall of the family.  Telling me how it was all my fault, and I actually believed him.  I actually let his words hurt me.  Well look who’s the one at fault now, *Dad*?  It sure as hell isn’t me.  

“What?”

“She had her left breast removed on Monday, and they are keeping her there at the hospital for Chemo.  I would like to think that you fucking care enough to go and visit with her, and maybe even see your daughter.  Molly needs you, and so does Mom.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me,” he asks.  He honestly sounds hurt and confused by it.  

In a way I’m glad, but then again, I know that it’s not really fair to him.  I know he does love Molly, and he did at one time love Mom.  “We tried.  They people at your office said you were unreachable.  No one could get you on the phone to tell you.”

“Where are they at?”

“Mom is at Mercy hospital.  Brian and I are staying at the condo with Molly,” I say letting him know exactly what is going on.  Letting him know that MY LOVER can be here, when HE can’t.  “Why don’t you come and see your daughter.  She’s beginning to think that you don’t care.  I’ll expect you within the hour.  We’ll be here.”  I hang up the phone, not wanting to hear his bitching about Brian being here.  I want to have my talk with the man who called himself my father on my own terms, on my own turf.  

If there’s one thing I learned from my Mom is that you don’t give Craig an inch.  You tell him when and where he’s supposed to be.  If you don’t he won’t show.  Brian can be like that at times, and I sure as hell won’t tell him that.  But he’s getting better, and that’s something that I can say isn’t true of my father.  I hear the door open, and Molly tear up the stairs.  “Do your homework,” Brian calls after her.

I try not to laugh.  I mean, really, Brian being all fatherly and bossy.  I know that it is hard for him to help care for an eleven year old, especially when it’s a girl.  What do either one of us know about girls.  Luckily Deb and Vic are coming over tomorrow night to make dinner for us, and Daphne said she’s going to take Molly out afterwards for a ‘girl’s night out’.  Deb honestly wants to try and fix things between us, and I guess I can try to give her that chance.  We’ll sit down after Molly leaves tomorrow and have a talk.  She had always been good to me, and I want to have her back in my life.  I want to try.

Brian comes into the living room and sits down on the couch, propping his feet up on the table, and his head back on the couch.  I reach up and pull his head into my lap so that I can run my fingers though his hair, and rub his temples.  He looks exhausted, and I know he’s had a bad day.  Vance had decided that since he was here, that he could work on all his ‘old’ clients.  Brian’s been busting his ass working on the Liberty Air, Brown Athletics, and many others… all because Vance says that no one else can do it.  I know that it’s bull shit, but who am I to say anything.  

Of course what I’m about to tell him isn’t going to make him any happier.  Mind as well get it over with.  “Bri,” I begin.  Fuck I do not want to do this.  I should’ve gotten the number where Craig was at so that I could call him back and tell him not to come.  Oh well, it’s too late.  Brian looks up at me, and I try to smile.  “Craig called.”  I can instantly feel Brian’s muscles tense.  “I told him that he should get his ass over here to see his daughter.”

Brian sat up and I instantly miss the loss.  “When?”

“I sort of told him to be here in a hour, I don’t know when exactly cause I sorta hung up on him,” I tell him.

He turns to look at me in the eyes, and I see a small smile appear on his face.  “You hung up on him?  What else did you do, or say?”

“He called and asked for Mom, I told him what had happened and where Mom was at.  Of course he instantly was pissed that no one had told him…. And well I sort of….”

“What did you say,” he prods.  I mumble something under my breath, not really wanting him to know, but in a way I guess I do.  I mean, I’m supposed to be the calm one, the rational one, right?  “What was that?  I didn’t really catch that.”

Okay, I was hoping to avoid this discussion, but he’s just so damn persistent.  “I simply told him that quote If you had been able to get your dick out of your secretary’s ass long enough you would know that Mom is in the fucking hospital, unquote.”  I can see a small smile on Brian’s face as he shakes his head.  

“Oh my little pitbull,” he said laughing. 

“So maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, but what do you expect,” I say trying to redeem myself some here.  “Pitbull?”

“Yeah, you have one hell of a bite,” he laughs.  

“Really,” I ask as I move closer to him on the couch.  “I’ll show you just how my bite is.”  I lean in and begin to nibble on his ear, moving down toward his neck.  Once I reach a spot near his jugular, I bite down a little harder, knowing that I’ll get a solid response out of him with that.

Brian reacts quicker than I imagined, cause within a second he has me pinned down on the couch and is leaning his full body over mine.  “Maybe I should call you a vampire.  That fucking hurt.”

“What can’t take it,” I innocently ask.  “Poor baby, want me to kiss it and make it better?”  Brian’s only answer is to lean down so that our lips are only centimeters apart.  I close my eyes, expecting him to close the distance, but I suddenly feel is own teeth on my neck.  “Ow, Brian… stop,” I say, knowing full well that I really don’t want him to stop.  

He knows it too.  “No,” he breaths against my neck, and I can only close my eyes tighter and enjoy the ride.  I feel myself begin to harden, when I hear a knock at the door.  Fuck, my Dad.  “Fuck,” Brian curses against my neck.  Slowly he pulls himself up and off of me.  “Later,” he promises as he pulls me to a sitting position.  And I know that Brian always keeps his promises.  

“Later,” I agree.  Brian goes and opens the door for my Dad, and I can almost feel the tension between the two all the way up the stairs.  Brian leads him into the living room, and then he heads out toward the kitchen giving the two of us some time alone.  “Craig,” I say.  I will not call him Dad, or Father to his face anymore.  He says I’m dead to him… well my Dad is dead to me too.  

“Where’s Molly,” he asks not looking at me.  He’s looking anywhere in the room except toward me.  

“She’s up in her room doing her homework,” I tell him.  “Can’t even look at me can you?  What don’t want to see your gay son, or is it that you don’t want to see your crippled son?  Which is it?”

“Justin,” he begins, and I know that I don’t want to hear his fucking excuses.  I don’t want to hear his thoughts.

“Don’t even… God!  Where the hell were you?  Mom needed you, Molly needed you… Where the fuck were you?  I know you weren’t on a fucking business trip, cause your work told me so after the tenth time I tried to contact you.”

“I don’t have to clear my schedule with you,” he angrily stated as he finally turned his attention to me.  The look didn’t last long, cause the moment he caught my eye he turned back to look at the fireplace.  “How is she?”

“Like you fucking care.”

“I do care!”

“Bullshit!  If you cared you would’ve let Mom know where you were at.  If you cared you would’ve checked your voice mail.  What if Molly had been in a serious accident, and she needed you for a blood transfusion or something.  What if something like that happened?  Could you have lived with yourself knowing that she would’ve died because you were too busy with your new Girlfriend to find out what is going on with your family.”

“You don’t know anything.”

I take a deep breath, and try to calm myself.  The last thing I need is for Molly to hear any of this.  Hell, I half expect Brian to come out of the kitchen and kick my dad’s ass.  “You’re right, I don’t know anything.  And honestly, I don’t give a damn.  You say that you love Molly, that you want what’s best for her.  You’ve threatened Mom with taking Molly away from her, all because you don’t want Molly to be around me.  You told Mom that you won’t allow Molly to come down to Atlanta to spend time with me, but yet you can go away and not even bother with your family.  Mom needed you.  She needed you to be here to help out with Molly.  But instead she called me.  She called me to come here and help her out.  I now have the Power of Attorney that lets me have a say in Molly’s well being.  I say on whether or not she sees you… want to give me a good reason why I should allow that to happen?”

“You can’t tell me when I can see my daughter, or what I do.  I know now, and I’m here now… I will not let Molly be in this house with …. with the two of you,” he says.  “I am her father, and I think I know what’s best for her.  She needs to be with me, at least until Jenn is out of the hospital.”

How dare he…. He walks in here with the fucking superior attitude, acting like he owns the world.  Well I will not stand by and let him ruin our lives anymore.  Not anymore.  I quickly move so that I can look him in the eye… and realize that it was probably the dumbest thing that I have ever done in my life.  Fuck!!!!  Instantly I feel the pain shooting up my leg from where it had hit the edge of the table.  I bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying out in pain, and close my eyes to try and concentrate on stopping the constant throbbing in my lower leg.  I can feel the tears running down my face, as I fight for every breath that I can bring into my lungs.  Fuck it hurts so bad… “Justin,” I can barely make out my father asking me.  

“Justin,” I hear Brian ask beside me, and I don’t remember him coming into the room.  “What the fuck did you do to him,” I hear him ask my father.  

“He didn’t do it,” I get out.  I can hear the pain in my own voice.  “Knocked it on table,” I manage to tell him.

“Okay, I’m taking you to the hospital,” he informs me as he grabs a hold of my hand.

“No,” I tell him.  That’s the last thing I want to do.  Did I mention how much I HATE hospitals?  

I hear Molly come down the stairs, and I try to compose myself some.  The last thing she needs is to see me in this much pain.  She has enough to deal with.  “Justin…. Brian is Justin okay?”

“I’m fine,” I tell her, grateful that my voice sounds strong.  “Homework done?”  I don’t even try to get full sentences out right now… I don’t know if I’d be able to even if I tried.

“Yeah, can we go see Mom now,” she asks.  

I almost want to say no, but I can almost guess that it won’t work.  It seems that since she had been staying with Brian and I that the two of them have made some sort of secret language.  If it’s not one it’s the other, trying to get me to do something, or to take a break.  They have both been ganging up on me, making me do things that I wouldn’t do with one of them.  I’m helpless against the two though.  So I don’t even try.  “Get ready,” I tell her, resigning myself to a hospital visit.  Not to see my Mom, but to get whatever checks that Brian deems necessary.  Fuck!  As much as I love Brian, he can be such a mother hen at times.

Brian picks me up, despite my protests that I can walk.  I have my crutches after all.  He had Molly take my crutches and he turns to my Dad.  “You coming or no?”

I can see the steam coming out of Brian’s ears.  I know how much those words had cost him.  He is a lion protecting his mate, and I for one wouldn’t want to be in my Dad’s shoes now.  Lucky for my Dad, he gets up and follows us out to the car.  Brian hold me up against the rental, and let’s Molly in first.  He carefully sets me in the passenger seat, and shuts the door.  I hear him asking my Dad if he is going to ride with us, then telling him that he is to keep his fucking mouth shut.  All the way to the hospital, you can feel the tension in the air.  It’s so strong.  My Dad hates Brian and I, and Brian hates my Dad.  Molly of course is trying to make us all laugh with stories from school, or things that we did when we were little.  It makes the ride a little more comfortable, not much but a little.

As soon as we arrive, Molly takes Dad away to Mom’s room, while Brian leads me toward X-ray.  He had called ahead and gotten my old doctor to see me.  Quickly I am rushed off to X-ray, and I can only hope that everyone will still be alive when I get out.

********

Once I get done with the doctor, I look down at my ‘instructions’.  Luckily there was no damage to the bones, and the healing is going well.  At least I didn’t have a setback, cause honestly I don’t think I could handle it if I had to be stuck in a wheelchair again.  Brian and I make our way toward Mom’s room, and Brian tells me that he’s going to pick up my prescriptions.  Great, more pain killers… I hate those damn things.  Granted I hate taking any meds.  I think I’ve had enough to last ten lifetimes.  

As I walk into my Mom’s room, I see something that I never thought I’d see again.  My Dad is holding my Mom in a tight hug, and letting her cry on his shoulder.  I think that this is the first time that she’s cried over this.  Molly is laying on the bed with Mom, resting her head on Mom’s stomach.  I begin to turn, not sure if I would be welcome.  They are the family now… I’m sort of the outsider.  “Justin,” I hear my Dad say.  Turning around I see him open his arm for me to join them.  

I walk up to him, actually limp over, and sit in the chair next to him.  I feel him wrap his arm around me and hold me close.  I feel the tears appear in my own eyes, as I feel something that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  Something that I never thought I’d feel again.

  
The love my father has for me.  

I have my family back even if it’s for a short time.  But I will never forget this moment.  It’s the moment I knew that my father really did still exist...

That my Father loved me.

*********

_ For All Time Interlude #9 _

** By: Acacia **

_ He spends whole life being too young _

_ to live the life that's in his dreams _

_ Then he lies awake and he wonders, why _

_ Can't that be me _

_ Cause in his life he is filled with all these _

_ Good intentions _

_ He's left a lot of things he'd rather not _

_ Mention right now _

_ But just before he says goodnight, he looks _

_ Up with a little smile at me and he says _

_ If I could be like that, I would _

_ Give anything _

_ Just to live one day, in those shoes _

_ If I could be like that, what would I do _

_ What would I do _

_ Be Like That  _ by 3 Doors Down

# 

# 

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

*Justin*

Brian and I head home after visiting Mom, and Molly is asleep in the back of the car, exhausted.   The only thing running through my mind is my dad.  Is he willing to try?  Is he willing to finally accept me for who I am?  As much as I want to believe that he is willing to give us a try again, I’m not sure if I really want to take the chance.  I mean, every time that I attempt to reach out to him, attempt to give him a chance, he stabs me in the back.  I don’t know if I’m willing to be hurt by him anymore.  Luckily, tomorrow Daphne is taking Molly out for a movie, and Dad mentioned taking Molly for a couple of days to “give Brian and I some time alone”.  What does he care about our relationship?  Okay, so I agree that we need some ‘us’ time but to have Craig Taylor offering his help… to a give us the time we need… I don’t know if I can accept it.

I suspect he will try to keep Molly away from me until Mom gets out of the hospital, like he threatened before.  I guess I’ll take the chance; I can always go over there and pick her up when he’s not around.  

Once we reach the condo, Brian picks up Molly and takes her upstairs to her room.  I slowly make my way through the house, making sure that everything is turned off, and then I head up to my room.  I’m glad that Mom kept my old room the way it was before I left.  At least Brian and I have a place to sleep at night.  Brian is getting ready for bed when I get in, and I can’t help but admire his lean form.  He is definitely a god.  I remove my clothes and crawl into bed next to him.  “So what time is Daphne picking up Molly?” Brian asks me.

I try not to smile, knowing what tomorrow night will bring.  It will be the first time that it will be just the two of us since this whole nightmare started.  “Deb and Vic will be here around three, Daph is picking Molly up around 6:30 for the movie, then she’ll drop off Molly at my … at Craig’s,” I reply, still not sure about what he is anymore.  

“I think your Dad is at least trying.  Who knows, he might surprise us all,” Brian says, as he begins to lightly run his hand across my back.

I sit up a little so that I can look him in the eye.  Brian has never lied to me; I know I could trust him enough to tell me the truth.  “Do you think that I’m making a mistake?  Should I give my Dad a chance?”

Brian looks up at me, and I can only stare back at him.  I can almost see the battle going on inside of him.  I mean, my father has attacked him on at least two occasions.  I think Brian has every right to hold a grudge.  “I don’t want to see you get hurt again by him,” Brian quietly says.  I can feel his hand reach up and push a stray hair off my forehead.  “But things like this have a way of changing people.  He seems sincere.  I don’t want you to NOT give him a chance, if this is your shot at having your father back.  I didn’t get that chance with my ol’ man until it was too late… I don’t want you to have to go through that.”  

“Have I told you today how much I love you?” I ask him.  I really don’t know what I did to deserve someone like him.  Brian always has a way to make me think about what I’m doing, helping me to see clearly what I believe.  I know he is right… if I don’t give my dad a chance, I may regret it for the rest of my life.  I will always wonder what if.  

“Not that I remember,” he smiles up at me.  

I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips, then a little firmer.  I pull back slightly and smile down at him.  “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby,” he says, as he pulls me back down to his waiting lips.

************

Deb and Vic arrive just as Molly and I do, so I let them in.  Brian is still at work, being held up in a meeting with Vance.  I quickly change and head back to the kitchen to help with the cooking.  I don’t really know what to say to Deb to make things between us better.  I want her in my life still, but how to accomplish that I don’t know.  Vic is sitting down at the table, while Deb and I move through the kitchen.  I let go of everything and just go with the flow, and it almost feels like it was when I was living with them.  The little banter that we get into, the quick little comebacks and comments come naturally for me.  Time flew for me as Deb and I prepared dinner, and before I knew it I looked over to Vic and spotted Brian sitting next to him.  “Hey,” I say, shocked that I didn’t even hear him come in.  “When did you get in?”

“Just a couple minutes ago,” he tells me but I know that he has been here longer since he has already changed.  I don’t know why it bothers me so much to have NOT noticed him sooner, but I realize that he does have ways of sneaking up on me.  At least this time I noticed him before he scared the shit out of me.  “So what’s for dinner?”

“Deb’s famous lasagna, and for dessert…” I begin moving closer to him.  I lean down and capture his lips in my own, letting him know exactly what dessert for tonight is.  

“Well, there won’t be any dessert if you two boys don’t leave each other alone. NOW!” Deb tells us, as she pulls me away from Brian.  “Let go of his ass so that we can finish up,” she said to Brian, shaking the spoon in her hand towards his face.  Yep, it’s just like old times.  

“Later,” I inform Brian as I smile at Deb and get back to work.  

“You can bet on that one,” Brian slyly smiles.  “So, when does my girlfriend come and pick up the little monster?”

“Hey,” I hear Molly yell as she comes down the stairs from the bedroom.  “Who are you calling a monster?”

“You.   What you going to do about it?” he asks her, and I turn around to see the two of them face off.  

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I just shake my head.  These two in the same house is not the best thing in the world.  It was not one of my brighter ideas.  Whenever those two are in the same room together, Brian acts like a kid – joking, and wrestling around with her.  Who would ever believe me if I told them that Brian was just a big kid? Their new little thing is to play practical jokes on me.  Okay, I mean I can’t get too pissed about it, ‘cause Brian is keeping Molly happy, and that’s what she needs right now.  I know I’m not the best person for that job at the moment, and Brian knows too.  I have to be the adult here; I have to make sure that Molly is taken care of.  But do they have to gang up on me all the time?  

“Justin?”  I immediately cringe.  The way she said my name, I know that she wants something … something that she is not supposed to have.  “Can I take my new portable DVD player with me to Dad’s?”

I knew it.  I just fucking knew it.  “No,” I tell her.  Mom had gotten her that so that she could watch what she wanted IN HER OWN ROOM.  Mom had specifically told me that it was not to leave the house, and here she wanted me to give in.  Well fuck that…  I wouldn’t give in… not this time.

“Please, I promise I’ll take real good care of it.  Daddy doesn’t have a DVD player, and I want to watch my new movie.  Please,” she begs.

“No, and that’s final.”  I am proud of myself for not giving in to her puppy-dog look, and begging voice.  My victory however is short-lived when I feel a presence behind me.   Fuck!  Reason number 2 why I hate having these two in the same house…. Somehow I always end up on the short end of the stick.  I wasn’t going to give in this time.  He wasn’t going to get to me.  “No,” I tell him before he gets too close.

Brian comes up and pulls me close to his solid frame.  I feel his breath next to my ear, and I close my eyes… I can’t let him affect me.  I just can’t.  Brian’s arms come around me, and he puts his head down on my shoulder.  I can feel light kisses on my neck, and I bite my lip.  Oh god… this is torture.  “Please,” his voice brushes against my ear – light and caressing.  “Nothing will happen to it.  You know if she doesn’t get to take it, she’ll refuse to go…and I have plans for you tonight.”  I can feel my resolve weaken as he began to nibble my ear.  “I plan on fucking you all… night…. long.  I’m gonna make you scream and beg.  Can’t do that with her around,” he reasoned.

Fuck!  Note to self never let your lover near your younger sister.  And people wonder how Brian can get me to do things that I wouldn’t do otherwise.  Fuck, put those two together and I am so fucked.  “Fine,” I breathe out, defeated.  I turn slightly to Brian and see a shit-eating grin on his face, and I smile back at him.  “But you’ll be the one screaming and begging,” I whisper to him.  I turn to Molly and look her dead in the eye.  “You can take it, but if something happens to it, you explain it to Mom.”

Molly holds up her hand and places the other on her heart.  “I promise.  Thanks Jester.”

I look down at her with a raised eyebrow.  Letting her know just what I think of that little nickname.  “Careful Mollusk… I can always change my mind.”  Molly at least has the decency to look sorry.  Brian, on the other hand… “And you’ll get yours, so don’t’ think you’re off the hook that easily.”

“What I wouldn’t do to be a fly on the wall at the loft tonight,” Vic laughs.

Deb walks over and places something down on the table.  I look at it, and laugh.  “Twenty bucks on Sunshine.”

“Hey,” I hear Brian protest.

“I have five on Brian,” Molly adds, pulling out her wallet and adding her money to the pot.  “And I still have money for the movie.”

Vic continues to laugh but adds his money to the pot as well.  “Sorry, kid, but I have to go with Deb on this one… Thirty on Justin.”

Daphne had walked in when the betting began and she just looked over at me.  I shrug and turn to get the table set.  “Sorry, Brian… but I have to go with them… well, and I’ve known Justin longer.”

I laugh as Daphne places her money down on the table, and watch as Brian sits down in one of the chairs heavily.  “Traitors,” he mumbles.  

I walk up to Brian and place my arms around his neck.  He tries to move his head away from me, but I know that he’s not as upset as he’s trying to portray.  I lean in so I can whisper in his ear, “We’ll both be winners tonight.  I promise.”

Brian turns his head slightly and kisses me lightly on the lips.  “Believe it, Sunshine.”

***********

Deb and I sit down in the living room as Vic and Brian sit in the dining room talking.  Daphne and Molly just left for their movie, and I know that it’s time to try and fix things between Deb and me.  I’ve had a lot of time to think about things these past couple of days, and I realized that there is no way I can talk to Michael or Ted about what happened.  At least I don’t think I can… I will of course, but I want to fix things between Deb and me first, before I try and confront her son.  I called up Michael yesterday and set up a lunch meeting for tomorrow with him and Ted.  But right now, Deb is the important thing on my mind.  I am nervous, and I find myself wanting the calm that we shared just an hour ago.  I just put my head down and laugh.  This is ridiculous, I mean this is Deb… my surrogate mother, the one who cared for me when no one else wanted me.  Why is this so hard?

Deb, thankfully, starts off the conversation.  Thankfully, ‘cause I wasn’t even sure where to start.  “I’m not going to say I’m sorry, ‘cause it won’t mean a damn thing.  I will say that I wish I had listened to you, that I had actually tried to hear you out instead of accusing you.  I was wrong, I know that now.  Everyone wanted to blame someone, and we blamed you.  I should’ve listened to you, should’ve asked you….”

I can tell that she genuinely feels badly about what happened, and she blames herself.  No one wanted to talk about the bashing after it happened, but she was the one who had fought the hardest out of everyone to try and get things right.  She was the one  who had rushed at Hobbs at the courthouse when he got off.  I know she wanted to do more… but no one wanted to talk to ME about it.  “Deb,” I begin.  “There’re a lot of things that went wrong, and it wasn’t one thing that made me leave.  Yeah, it hurt… it hurt that everyone shut me out when I left Brian.  But that wasn’t the sole reason I left.  Everything just kept getting worse and worse, and nothing seemed to make sense to me anymore.”

“We were all wrong.  We should’ve asked you what YOU wanted, what YOU were feeling.  And if I could go back and change it…”

“But you can’t, Deb.  No one can.  What’s done is done, and nothing anyone can say or do will ever change it.”  I reach across and take her hand in my own.  “You have always been there for me, helping me, advising me… I …. I just wish….”  I close my eyes, not sure exactly what I wanted, what I wished for.  Deb places her other hand on top of mine, giving me support to continue.  “Everything was just so fucked up.  I knew that everyone was hurting, and frankly I was tired of all the ‘attention’ you and Mom were giving me,” I told her smiling slightly.  “I guess I just wanted to prove to everyone that I was fine; that I was better.  I didn’t want anyone to see that I was still fucked up.  It’s not your fault that you didn’t see it: I didn’t want you to see it.”

Deb looked down at our hands, and sighed.  “It’s still no excuse for what we did you to.  How we treated you.”

“No, it’s not.  I thought we were all friends, and I didn’t think that you all liked me only because I was with Brian,” I tell her.  

“That’s not why we liked you.  You became a part of our family, with or without Brian.  You will always be a part of our family.  But that doesn’t excuse what we did.  We should’ve been there for you,” she tells me raising her voice slightly.  “Hell, if I were you, I would never forgive us.”

I turn slightly so that I can look at her in the eye.  “Thanks,” I say to her, noting the instant shock in her face.  I know that was the last thing that she had expected me to say to her.  “You’re right, I probably shouldn’t forgive any of you.  But… I will.  I am willing to give it another try.”  

“Thank you…. Thank you, Sweetheart,” she cries, as she pulls me into a crushing hug.

I pull back slightly, not quite finished.  “But if it happens again, there will be no more chances.  I can’t go through that again.  I won’t go through that again.”

Deb just nodded, and pulled me back into her arms, holding me close to her.  I know she understands, that she’ll try her hardest to make this work between us.  For the first time since I came back here, I am starting to feel like I have a family again.

************

*Brian*

The moment I close the gate to the elevator, I’m on Justin.  Fuck, it’s been entirely too long since we have had a moment alone.  I have missed this, missed him.  Okay, so it’s not like we haven’t had sex, but for me, having sex at his parents’ house is just wrong.  And Molly, bless her fucking heart, has a tendency to start knocking on the damn door right when things just start to get interesting, all because she doesn’t want to be alone.  Okay, I can’t blame the kid, not really.  I mean, her life has just been turned upside down.  But damn, can’t a man fuck his lover in peace?  So tonight, I sent Marsha away to the Muncher’s house, Molly is off at her Dad’s, and Justin and I are finally alone… at the loft.  Thank god for small wonders.  

I push him against the far corner of the elevator, and start to pull his shirt out of his pants.  I can tell you it isn’t easy when he has his own hands down my pants and his teeth on my neck, but I’m determined and I’m fucking horny as hell.  Nothing is going to stand in my way tonight.  The moment I feel the elevator stop, I pull away from Justin, open the gate, and throw his crutches toward the door.  Those fucking things will only get in my way, and I can’t stand to not touch him right now.  I pick him up and carry him to the door.  “Justin, I have to get the damn door open,” I tell him as I try to get the damn key in the lock.  It’s not easy with him attacking my neck and lips.  I’m half tempted to say fuck it and take him right here.  But rational thought triumphs as I finally get the door open.  I kick his crutches into through the door, and close the door behind us.  

The bed just seems too far away; the couch is definitely a lot closer, so I place Justin down on it and climb on top of him.  Clothes seem to magically disappear, ‘cause I find myself feeling only flesh beneath me.  There is no way in hell that this will be slow.  We both have waited too long and wanted each other too much to go slow.  “Fuck me,” Justin whispers against my lips as he hands me the lube.  I watch as he rips the condom package with his teeth, and slowly begins to slip it on my dick.  The way he slowly rolls it down my length almost always makes me want to cum.  I have to close my eyes and slow my breathing to calm myself, and I can only think one thing… payback’s a bitch.  

I look down at him as I open the tube of lube and place some on my fingers.  Slowly I begin to move my hand down between our bodies toward his hole.  I begin to run one finger across the opening, not entering yet, and I watch his face the entire time.  I watch as his pupils dilate even wider, then his eyes roll back as I insert one finger into him – stretching him.  I push another finger in, making sure that I hit his prostate each time I push my fingers in and out of him.  His breath catches and he bites on his lip to keep from screaming out… but I don’t want him to hold back.  Not tonight.  So I remove my fingers and position myself, slamming in to the hilt.  “Fuck…. Brian… Yes…” I hear Justin cry out.  That’s my baby.  That’s what I like to hear.  

I begin to slide out, only to push myself right back in, all the time making sure that I hit that one spot with each thrust.  “That’s it… talk to me, baby,” I tell him.  

“Harder, Brian…. Ah fuck!.... Fuck me harder….”

“You like this?” I ask, knowing full well what his answer will be.

“Yes… Oh god, Brian… Harder….”  And I can’t deny him that.  Suddenly I pull out of him fully, and of course he protests loudly.  “No… Bri…”

“Roll over,” I tell him.  He does so, and I place a pillow under him, then sheath myself into him again.  Hard and fast.

“Ahhhh,” Justin cries out.  I continue to pump into him, feeling him around me, pulling me into him, while trying to push me out at the same time.  I run my tongue down his back, as I grab a hold of his hand – entwining our fingers.  I reach for his hard cock with my other hand, and I wrap my fingers around it, stroking it.  I feel him begin to tighten around me as he reaches his climax, and I feel my own balls tighten.  “Brian,” he calls out.  He erupts in my hand, as I continue to push my way into him, trying to claim him, riding out his orgasm.  But soon it’s too much for even me, and I feel myself lose it … lost in the sensation.

I collapse on top of him.  Turning his face toward mine, I lightly kiss his full lips.  “I love you, baby.”

“I love you, Bri.”  I roll us to our sides, never breaking the contact.  We’re not done for the night… but we both need a little nap before round two, so I allow myself to fall into a peaceful slumber.

*************

_ There You’ll Be _

_ Part 10 of For All Time _

By: Acacia

When I think back on these times 

And the dreams we left behind 

I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed 

To get to have you in my life

When I look back on these days 

I'll look and see your face

You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky

In my heart there will always be a place for you

For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me

And everywhere I am, there you'll be

            _There You'll Be_ by Faith Hill

__

#  Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.

*Mikey*

I talked to Justin on the phone yesterday and he told me that he would meet me at the comic book store around noon today.  Imagine my surprise when Ted showed up as well.  He told me that Justin had asked him to show up also.  I closed up the shop for a couple of hours so that we could have our ‘talk’ in private.  I know that we’re going to have to cover some things, some … disagreements that we had before he left.  I’m not saying that I’m sorry for anything that I’ve done.  I mean … he hurt Brian.  Okay, so maybe I was wrong in not talking to Justin first, and maybe finding out what the real reason was, but I mean come on.  Brian’s my friend … and has been my friend for a whole hell of a lot longer than Justin’s been in our lives.  I was right in telling him….

Wasn’t I?

I don’t really know anymore.  I talked to Brian when he was last here in Pittsburgh, and I know how Brian feels about the whole thing.  I just … I don’t know, I guess I’m not used to this ‘new and improved’ Brian.  Who would’ve ever thought that this …. This kid would be the love of his life, the one who would make Brian change his ways.  Not me, that’s for sure.  Okay, so maybe a part of me will always be holding out hope that maybe… just maybe Brian and I will get together.  But I’ve had that fantasy for years, so I can’t really just give it up so easily.  Right?  

I told Brian that I knew that Justin would hurt him again, and that I didn’t want to stand by and watch.  I still feel that way… at least in part.  I guess I just don’t really believe that what they have will last.  Brian to me… I still have the same idea of him that I have always had… Come on, how many times did Brian tell me that he didn’t do love, and boyfriends, and relationships?  Suddenly this little twinkie comes into our lives, and Brian is no longer the man that I know.  He never did anyone more than once, and suddenly this kid is living with him?  No one can really expect me to accept it all at once right?  I have known him a long time, and suddenly everything changes on me.  He’s not the same man that I’ve known most of my life.  

It’s just really hard to accept.

But I’m trying… for Brian’s sake.

Brian and Justin walk into the store, and Brian just moves to sit in a corner.  I watch as Justin turns to him and gives him a look.  “You can go now,” he tells Brian, and I guess a part of me wants to tell Justin that Brian can be wherever the fuck he wants.  He’s Brian Kinney for fuck’s sake .. But I keep my mouth shut.

“Yes, I can.  But we have plans for later, since I have to head back home tomorrow, and I’m not going to fucking drive around the city wasting time.  I’ll sit here and wait,” Brian says, as he pulls out a comic from the rack and begins to read it.  Not that I think he’s really reading it, but he’s making a show of not caring what’s going on around him.  

“God, you can be such a pain in the ass sometimes,” Justin adds as he turns around and faces Ted and me.  Justin looks at us and rolls his eyes.  “Hey,” he says sheepishly, like he’d been caught with his hand the cookie jar.

“So,” Ted begins, and I guess I’m sort of grateful.  I mean I have no idea what to say, or how to start, so I’ll just leave it up to them.  It’s safer that way.  Of course there is a part of me that wants Brian to leave so that we can really talk.  I just don’t feel right with him here.  There’s so much that I want to say to Justin, but I can’t.  Maybe that’s why Brian’s here.

“Hey just pretend that I’m not here,” Brian tells us, breaking the silence that came across the room.  Yeah, pretend that he is not there … like that would be easy.  

Justin just took a deep breath and blew it out.  The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, and I wish I were somewhere else besides here.  “Look, I know that you don’t like me, that you think that I am going to hurt Brian.  I also know that there is nothing that I can say that will prove to you that I will not let that happen … there is no way I can prove to you that I’m sorry for ever hurting him before…”

“Then you should’ve thought of that before you did,” I hear myself blurt out.

“You’re right.  I should have … but I’m not going to try and justify what I’ve done in the past, because I know now that it won’t happen again.  Honestly, though… I don’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone here.  I don’t have to make anyone here believe me … as long as Brian does, that’s all that matters.  So nothing that either one of you say will make a damn bit of difference.  I know what I did wrong, but I also know where you went wrong,” he said the last part looking directly at me.  

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” I tell him, and I don’t think that I did … not really.  I hear Brian laugh slightly in the corner of the room, and Ted only looked away from me.  “Okay… so maybe we all made some mistakes,” I finally say.  “But I fully believe I was right in telling Brian about you and Ethan.  You went behind his back.”

  
”And how many times did you tell me that he would never change!  That he didn’t do love or relationships,” Justin yells at me.  “And you,” he says looking at Ted.  “You just stood there accusing me of the worst.  Talking shit about me!”

“Justin,” I hear Brian quietly say from his spot in the corner.  

I watch as Justin takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes.  “What I am trying to say is that it would’ve been nice if you had come to me instead of going behind my back and saying shit.  I thought we were all friends.”

“We were,” I say, suddenly feeling like shit.  “But I’ve known Brian longer, and I had to tell him.”  Okay, so that is about as lame as I can think of … but it’s true, in a way.  Yeah, Justin and I had some great times together, working together, hanging out … but I just don’t have the history with him that I do with Brian.  He shouldn’t expect anything else from me.

Justin looks tired as he runs a hand through his hair.  “I don’t even know why I try.  Why I’m even bothering?  I’ve got too much other shit to deal with than to waste my time with some fucking adolescent view of how Brian should act and feel.  Isn’t it enough to know that we have worked things out on our own?  That there were two people who should’ve been in this relationship and that was Brian and I?  Not Brian, me and the entire fucking Liberty Avenue gay community.”

“What do you want from me … from us?  An apology?  We’ll I’m sorry,” Ted states.  “I can’t excuse my behavior and trust me, I got hell about it already from Emmett.  I was wrong… I’m sorry.”

Justin only nods his head and turns his look toward me.  “I’d do it again,” I tell him simply.  I know I would, there is no doubt in my mind.  I will always be there for Brian first and foremost and if Justin gets in the way… then that’s the way it will be.  “I won’t say I’m sorry, I can’t … because it would be a lie.  Maybe I should’ve asked you about it first, but I still would’ve told Brian.  I won’t allow anyone to hurt him like that.”

Justin only stands there, thinking about what I said.  I meant every word of it, and I know in my heart that I will try to ensure that Brian is protected … even if it is from the man he loves.  “All I ask is that you talk to me,” he said finally.  “I don’t have many friends, and I shared things with you, Michael, that I had never shared with anyone.  I would like to think that it means something … that what we had started in the way of friendship means something.  I know that I can never get you to trust me, and I’ll be fine with that, but if you ever stab me in the back like that again….”  He never finished the thought, and truthfully, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to.

***********

*Justin*

Brian left to head back home yesterday, and already I miss him.  I know that it won’t be long before I’m there again … home with the man I love, with friends that care about us, and a job that I love.  It won’t be long.  Mom came home from the Hospital two days ago, and already she is trying to get me out of the house and ‘back where I belong’.  I, of course, told her that I was sticking around for at least another week before I even thought about leaving her.  She seems to be doing alright for the most part.  She is a little depressed, but Marsha is still here and talking to her constantly.  I’m glad that she had decided to head back to Atlanta when I go, and not before.  She even told me that she might stick around for a little while longer if she was needed, but not for too much longer.  She did have a practice of sorts down there that she couldn’t spend too much time away from.  That and, of course, she’s still determined to keep an eye on Brian and me.  

I’m glad that my Mom feels comfortable talking to Marsha, ‘cause god knows I have NO idea what she’s going through.  I don’t know what it’s like to lose a breast, or to have to fight this cancer everyday.  The doctors were hopeful that they got it all, but she will still require tests every three months, and I have her guarantee that she will call me after each appointment to let me know what they say.  Other than that, she seems to be fine.  She’s tired, of course, and her appetite isn’t fully back yet, but I know that it will take time for everything to get back to normal.  Molly has been great, helping Mom out around the house, and with everything that needs to be done.  Deb takes Mom out shopping, and said she will come over to cook for Mom at least once a week.  I don’t doubt that she will, either.  Deb’s great.  

While I’ve been at work and Molly at school, Vic has been coming over and just sitting with Mom.  They have had long discussions… about what I’m not sure I really want to know.  It’s kinda scary to think about what those two would talk about, but I’m glad that he’s helping out as well.  Of course Lindz has been bringing Gus over so that Mom can play … well Mom, or Grandma, which ever the case may be.  She just loves to fawn over Gus.  She spoils the kid rotten.  Of course she told me one day that Gus is the closest thing that she has to a grandchild right now, and I know she’s hinting at me having a child with someone.  I keep telling her that I am nowhere near ready for that type of responsibility.  I don’t know if I ever will be, really.  

I feel bad about having to leave Mom so soon, but I know that I have to get back to my life.  Pittsburgh is nice, but it no longer feels like home… hasn’t for a long time.  The weirdest thing is that my Dad is actually being civil.  He came to dinner with Mom, Molly, Brian and me one night.  Okay, so it wasn’t what one would call a scene out of 7th Heaven… but it was still a shock.  He’s come by every night just to sit and talk to Mom, and they have a ‘dinner date’ this weekend.  So I’m a little scared for her … I mean what’s stopping him from hurting her again?  I know, I promised myself and my Mom that I would give him a chance, but it’s not easy to let go.  I’m trying, though.

In the week since Brian left, Michael and I have been talking about another issue of Rage. He told me how he has had it on the back burner for the past year, and the public wants to know what’s happening in the lives of Rage and Zephyr.  I don’t know.  I told him I’d do it, but that my schedule would be tight.  I still have school to go back to, work, and my relationship with Brian, but I promised him I would work on it as much as I can and we’ll work something out.  It’s not much, but it’s a start.  

Mom is getting a lot stronger, and I know now that she will be alright.  We Taylors are a strong bunch, and it’ll take a lot more than cancer … or a bat to the head … to bring us down.  Deb and I are as close as we ever have been, and Emmett … what to say about him.  Emmett has promised to come and visit again, especially since he had such a fun time last time he visited.  Vic has also promised to come and visit.  Lindsey and Mel have invited Brian and me to Christmas/Chanukah dinner with them in December, and they told us that we just HAD to be there for Gus’ birthday.  

Things actually seem to be like they were before I left … before everything got all fucked up.

But I’ve decided that things will never be the way they were before.  They can’t be.  All I can do now is hope that maybe we can all meet halfway.  My life here in Pittsburgh is over, but I don’t want to give up everything here.  I mean, this is the place where I met Brian, where I fell in love with him, where our lives began.  No matter what happens in the future, I will always treasure my time here.  But Pittsburgh is the past, and I plan on leaving it there – well, with the exception of my friends here; I won’t give them up so easily.  If they weren’t here, I would never bother with this city again, except for my memories.

No Pittsburgh is my past ….

It’s time to go home to my present … my future.

It’s time to go home to Brian.

********

The End…. 

(well until the sequel….)

Thanks guys for all your support and everything …. 

Acacia

©2002


	6. Thanksgiving

FaT Thanksgiving..

This takes place after For All Time

 

_*Justin’s Journal*_

_Hey, it’s been a while, I know, but things have been hectic here to say the least.  Brian and I are doing okay.  We have our problems, but that is to be expected.  I don’t really know what to say, but we’re surviving.  My leg has basically healed, thank-god.  I still walk with a limp, but they say that more than likely I may have that for the rest of my life.  That’s okay, well it has to be okay.  Molly came down for the summer, which was good for my mom.  It gave her a break from everything.  I told her to take a little trip, to heal herself instead of worrying about Molly.  From what she had told me, her and dad are getting along.  It’s good, I guess.  Dad and I are … well we’re talking.  I know that things will never be the way they were with him – there are just too many bad memories, to many things that override the good, I guess.   But we’re talking which is more than I EVER expected._

_Molly… well what can I say about her.  She’s going through the rebellion stage.  Big time, rebellion.  That’s why I told Mom that I would take her for the summer.  Fuck that was the biggest mistake of my life.  Molly had been causing problems for Mom, and it wasn’t helping Mom’s healing at all.  Dad wasn’t too big of a help, cause frankly Molly was worse with him.  I guess I thought that things would be alright for her down here… that we could handle her… man was I wrong.  Not that Brian had any problem… no Molly and Brian got along fine… She was just pure hell for me.  We got into so many fights that I almost threw her out of the house one night.  She started hanging out with the wrong people, going out, drinking, whatever else.  I couldn’t believe it… she was only 12!!!!  I NEVER would’ve thought to do that shit when I was that age._

_I don’t know how Brian was able to get through to her, but we finally sat down near the end of her visit and hashed things out.  We cleared a lot of things up, and I can tell you it was an eye opening experience.  She blames me for a lot, and I told her a lot of things that she never knew.  I thought she did, but I guess Mom and Dad kept her guarded from a lot of things.  We’re closer now, thank god, than we ever have been before.  For that alone, I am glad that she came.  We talk now, almost every night.  Just about things, you know._

_Work has been a pain as well.  It’s never ending.  The accounts, the trips, all the damn shit that I used to get pissed at Brian for, well I’m going through it now.  Lucky me I guess.  He sits back and laughs at me when I go on one of my little tyrants about something.  He thinks it’s funny!  Of course he hasn’t had it easy either.  I mean Vance has been a pain in his side for months about one thing or another.  But lucky for us, we have learned that the moment we step in the house… work is gone.  We try to never bring work home… it’s been a lot easier on our relationship, and on our own peace of mind._

_Brian and I went back to the Pitts for Gus’ Birthday.  We decided that we had to… not only for Gus but for ourselves as well.  I keep telling Brian that it’s our anniversary, and he of course rolls his eyes at me.  He keeps telling me that if we had anymore damn anniversaries then we would be having a party every day of the year.  Hey, I don’t mind…  But Brian is different.  Yeah, he’s changed in the past year or so, but he’s still Brian.  He’s a little better on the celebration type things, but in part he still thinks that they are bullshit.  I can’t really fault him for that.  There is only one anniversary where we shut everything and everyone out, and that’s the one of my Prom.  This year we went as far away from civilization as possible and celebrated life.  That’s the only way I can really describe it… we were both just happy to be alive._

_Not much else is really happening.  Marsha is in a relationship.  Her partner is a lot of fun.  The four of us often just hang out.  Rick and Nichole are now married.  They got hitched back in September.  It was a small wedding, but nice.  Kate is still dating this asshole, and Kelly is throwing herself in her work.  I don’t know if she has fully gotten over her brother’s death… well not to the extent of what we would like to see.  Her parents have been total assholes to her, still claiming that Nate was not their son.  So she has been effectively disowned by her family, and I think that has almost crushed her.  She really needed them after Nate’s death, and she still needs them… but they are too set in their ways.  So Brian and I have sort of adopted her into our family, and we often spend time together.  I think we all need that… at least Kelly and I do.  Brian calls us Siamese twins, cause we are never far apart from each other.  And Kevin and Mark are finally a real couple.  They moved in together in a small apartment downtown.  They are both still working hard at the Rainbow House._

_Now… let’s see… oh yeah… Matt…. God what can I say about him.  He’s irritating as hell?  He keeps trying to hit on me, and I keep having to tell him that I’m in a relationship and to leave me the hell alone.  Of course it bothers Brian more than it bothers me, but I try to stay away from him at all costs.  The last thing I need if for Brian to get all possessive on me again._

_Brian had a slight relapse a couple of months ago… and to say that I was pissed would be an understatement.  I wasn’t sure if he was still turning tricks occasionally, or not.  I mean I knew that he was trying, he really is, so I can’t really be too pissed about it.  I just don’t know for sure yet why he felt the need… but I don’t know if I ever really will.  I mean, he went so long without slipping, and for that alone, I am proud of him.  I can’t really say too much about it, since I have found at times myself wanting something a little less…. I don’t know… passionate?  No that’s not the right word.  I don’t really know how to describe it really, but I have seen a guy at times and told myself ‘man what I wouldn’t do to have a piece of that!’ but I quickly stop myself.  Brian… well Brian has been exceptional.  I know that there are times even now after his slip that he feels the slight pull, and I know that it will take time for him to completely stop, and he’s getting a whole lot better as time goes on.  So I can’t complain.  I know that one day I will be the only one for him.  I know it now._

_So let’s see the present… Brian invited Mel, Gus, and Lindsey down for Thanksgiving… so of course the whole gang will be here.  Cause of course they mentioned it to Deb, and Deb mentioned it to Emmett, Michael, and Ted… well you get the idea.  Then my Mom and Molly will be here as well.  So with the gang from Pittsburgh, and the group here… I don’t know where we’re going to put everyone!  Luckily I guess, Deb, Vic, Lindsey and my mom have all but told me I am NOT going to be allowed in my own damn kitchen that day.  Of course I won’t tell them how pleased I am about that one!_

_Shit… Brian just came home, so I’ll let you go.  We have to get ready to pick up the gang from the airport tomorrow morning, so we have to get the house ready for whoever decides to stay here.  The rest can stay at the hotel down the way…_

_Until later,  Justin_

 

*Justin*

 

Brian walks up behind me as I close my book and set it on the table.  His arms go around me, and I can feel his lips on my neck.  “Hey,” I say as greeting. 

 

“Is that all I get,” he asks, and I answer him by turning around on the couch to kiss him fully on the lips.  I pull on him enough to where he climbs over the back of the couch and lays on top of me.  If it’s on thing that I will never tire of it’s the feeling of him towering over me, with his lips and hands on me.  No… I will NEVER tire of that.  No matter what problems we have, no matter how pissed off at him I get… I know that he will always love me.  I begin to slowly unbutton his shirt, exposing his well defined chest to my hands.  He pulls back a little, and just stares down at me.  “You know if we keep this up, we won’t be ready for everyone tomorrow.”

 

I wrap my legs around his body, bringing us closer together, and pull him down for a kiss.  “Everything is as ready as it’s going to be,” I tell him as I begin to nibble on his ear.  “So why don’t we just enjoy our last day of being alone for the next week?”

 

Brian looked down at me and smiled.  “So you think that you’ll get some tonight, do you?”

 

I answer him by pulling him back down fully on top of me.  “Fuck me, Brian,” I breathe in his ear.  Before I could say anything our lips were locked together, tongues dueling each other for superiority.  Granted this is one battle that I don’t care if I lose.  I love Brian’s kisses, his touch.  He always puts his soul into everything that he does, wanting to be the best that he can be.  Sex is no different, and believe me, Brian is most definitely the best.

 

*******

 

After Brian went to work the next morning, I figured that I might as well get everything around the house set.  Mom had told me that their flight would be in around 10 and they would head directly here.  I still have no idea who will be staying here at the house, but I’m not sure I really want to worry about it now.  The food’s been bought, the tables are downstairs, everything is ready except for the guests.  Fuck, why did I ever let Brian talk me into doing this I will never know?  All I really wanted was a nice quiet Thanksgiving with him… not him and the whole fucking gang.  

 

The doorbell rings and I rush down the stairs as fast as I can with this damn limp I still have, and open it.  Before I can get anything out of my mouth in the way of greeting, I find the whole horde making their way into the house.  Fuck, I am so not ready for this.  Thank god I love Brian so much, or else I would most likely be in jail for committing homicide.  As each person passes I either receive a kiss, or a tight hug.  I wasn’t sure if Deb would ever let go, but thankfully Gus wanted attention and she had to let me go.  

 

“Hey Gus,” I say as I pick him up into my arms.  I look over at the group of people littered throughout my living room and give them a small smile.  “Hey.  How was the flight?”

 

Everyone starts talking at once, and I have a hard time to decipher what the hell any of them are saying.  And I honestly wanted to work things out with all of them.  I must really need to be in a mental institute.  I answer all the questions, and everyone starts to go about their things… whatever that is.  I watch Deb, Vic, Mom, and Lindsey all head to the kitchen to see what needed to be done for tomorrow.  I know that I will not be allowed anywhere near there for the next day or so.  

 

It seemed like forever before Brian came home, and it was not a moment too soon.  I mean, it’s not like I’m NOT happy that everyone is here, but damn!  I still have been having some issues, things that have never been cleared up, and I’m not sure that they will ever be.  But things have been going good with them, and I can tolerate them… at small intervals!  God, I feel like I’m ready to explode – just tell everyone to get the fuck out of my house, and never show their faces here again.  It would’ve been a lot better for me if they had only showed up a couple at a time.  

 

I had moved to my small office upstairs, not wanting to be subjected to all of that any longer when Brian comes up behind me.  He places his arms around my shoulders and kisses me lightly on the cheek.  “That bad huh?”

 

“You don’t know the half of it.  I was kinda hoping that they would show up a couple at a time… not all at once, Bri.”  I know I shouldn’t be complaining.  It’s the holidays, and I should be happy that everyone is here… but dammit things have been hectic to say the least lately, and I’m not ready to face all of this.

 

Brian turns my chair around and kneels down in front of me.  “I’m sorry, baby.”

 

I lean my head against his and run my hands through his hair.  “It’s okay.  I’m just stressed, and I have a little headache is all.  It’ll be okay.  I promise.”

 

I know that Brian worries about me and my health, and he’s been trying to make things easier on me.  Work these past six months has been hell, and I’ve been working non-stop it seems.  Between going on long business trips, and working my ass off at the office, Brian and I hadn’t had much time together.  Hence his little slip.  He honestly thought that I had been cheating on him, and he resorted to his old method of pain relief.  We sat down and talked about things, and I know that he hates it when I’m so busy… but he does understand.  I mean really… like I would fuck Matt!  Please!  We can laugh about it now, thankfully.

 

The only thing is… work is the problem, not us.  Brian and I agreed that when we are in this house, or out together… there will be NO talk of work.  When we are together, it’s just the two of us.  It’s the only way that we can make this relationship work, and we’re both determined to do that.  I can’t tell you what a relief it is for me to not have to have that sort of pressure anymore.  I was becoming soo stressed out, working my ass off, I actually had another nervous breakdown.  Needless to say it freaked Brian out, and changes were made.  The doctor told me that I really needed to take it easy for while, less stress.  Not that he thought that it was possible, but he said that I needed to take time out of each day to just relax.  If not… he wasn’t sure how my health would suffer.  Of course all Brian heard was high blood pressure, ulcers... you name it he heard only the bad.  So we change our lives around.  

 

What’s really funny is that I’ve been trying to get Brian to calm down for years, and all it took was the doctor to say one bad thing about what the stress was doing to me to make him change.  If I had known that was all it took… I would’ve done it a long time ago.

 

“Most of the gang headed to the hotel,” he told me running his hand across the back of my neck, while his other hand is lightly tracing the bracelet I still wear.  “Hungry?”

 

I look at Brian like he’s lost his mind.  “Like I would be allowed in my kitchen.  I think that Deb and the others have confiscated everything.  I’m not even allowed to look in that direction.”

 

Brian stands and takes my hand in his own.  “Well, we’ll just have to go out to dinner or something.”  Have I mentioned lately how much I love this man?

 

***********

 

*Brian*

 

Thanksfuckinggiving.  How totally fucking pathetic!  I can’t believe that I honestly thought that this would be a good idea.  Here I am in my own home, and it seems like world war three has just hit.  What used to be a nice quiet place where I could relax has turned into a fucking diner.  Chairs and tables littered the space, despite my suggestion that we could very well eat outside.  But NOOOO, Thanksgiving dinner needs to be eaten inside.  Fuck!  I’m half tempted to follow Justin’s example and head upstairs to our office.  Luckily I guess for Justin anyway, Gus looked tired and needed to go down for a nap before this whole mess started.  So what the hell does Justin do?  He fucking takes Gus and disappears, leaving ME to deal with all this shit.  Oh he’ll make up for this tonight, I can tell you that much.  He’s going to owe me big time. 

 

“I hope you guys are planning on cleaning all this shit up,” I ask Deb, looking over what used to be a kitchen.  Pots, pans, dishes, fuck everything was spread out over all available space.  All of our friends here each brought a small dish, so of course Deb had to make room for it on one of the counters.  When the kitchen was too full for anything else, they started in on any counter space elsewhere in the house.  I can feel a migraine coming on and all I want to do is get this day over with.  

 

Deb.  As much as I love her, and I do, she always seems to think that you have to have enough food to feed an army.  I’ll be having leftovers for the next fucking year at the rate they are cooking.  “Of course we will sweetie… don’t worry about a thing.  Now get out of the kitchen and go help Michael get the tables ready.  Dinner should be ready in a hour.”

 

I have to bite my tongue from coming back with some sort of smartass reply.  I’m being told what to do in my own house.  Justin is the only one who can get away with that, and he doesn’t all that often, thank you very much.  Fuck!  Now why did I think this was such a good idea?  Instead of going to help Michael I head outside to grab a quick cigarette.  I see Kelly sitting down on one of the chairs outside having a smoke herself, and I move to sit by her.  “It’s a fucking zoo in there.  Remind me next year that if you plan on doing this again, to not come,” she said with a smile.

 

“If I think of doing this next year, I won’t come either,” I reply pulling out one from the pack and lighting it.  I take a deep breathe and exhale slowly, feeling the smoke fill my lungs, calming me.  “You could always help you know.”

 

“Yeah right.  I think your friends have confiscated every square inch of that house and claimed it as their own.  Hell the room I use is even converted into a play room,” she laughed.  I try not to laugh, but I can’t help it.  She’s right.  I guess I’m glad that she hasn’t been over to stay a couple of nights with us lately.  If she had, then we would definitely been shit up a creek.  Kelly had claimed the room that Gus and Molly are staying in as her own, since she often needs a break away from her roommate and Justin and I let her stay here.  

 

“Well they will all be gone soon, and you’ll have to come over to help us get the place back to normal,” I tell her.

 

“Oh I see how it is,” she looks over at me.  “You only want to use me for a house cleaner.  Well let me tell you something, big man, I don’t think so,” she says with a smile.  “You’re on your own on this one.  You wanted them to come… you clean up the mess.”

 

“Thanks for nothing,” I say as I snuff out the remainder of my cigarette.  “Dinner should be ready soon.”  I head back into the house and make my way over to Mikey.  I might as well get this shit over with.

 

**********

 

With everything on the table, and our friends gathered around, I finally allow myself to relax a little.  I glance around and take note of everyone who has touched Justin and my life.  Our friends both from Pittsburgh and here in Atlanta, all gathered around, talking, eating, just enjoying being together.  Family.  That’s what this is.  Never before in my life had I felt this way… like I’m actually a part of a family.  Well with the exception of Justin that is.  I look over at Justin and he smiles brightly at me.  

 

I realize that all the shit that we have gone through, all the shit that we will go through, is just that… shit.  We’re together.  A hell of a lot longer than either one of us would’ve thought possible, but we are together.  We survived, and we will continue to do so.  I reach for his hand and take it in my own.  We both turn to look back over the group that has gathered and I know that Justin feels the same way I do.  That no matter what the world throws at us, we’ll get through it.  We’ll get through it because we have people who will help us through it, and make sure that we make it.  

 

Cause that’s what family is all about.

 

********

FIN

 


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